In this fairy tale triangle of villain, victim, and hero, the victim is under attack, powerless and inclined to withdraw. When we play the victim, we absolve ourselves of responsibility. After all, as an innocent person, the conflict is not our fault. Rather than meeting the situation head-on, we justify inaction by telling ourselves that the other person is the villain and needs to change or be stopped.

Sometimes, we shift into the hero mode to protect ourselves, defend our interests, and even the score. It's a role full of courage, selflessness, and the dramatic seeking of justice. Of course, the darker side is that as heroes, we can become self-righteous, manipulative, and controlling. Bringing in the hero usually heightens the conflict.

While we have no difficulty pointing to the villain when we find ourselves in conflict, ironically, the villain usually views himself as the victim in the conflict, and like us, conjures up his own hero to fight back.

This concept may be easier to understand if you think in terms of good and evil. When I am in conflict, I see myself as good and my adversary as evil. On the other side, my adversary sees themselves as good and me as evil. Each one of us strikes out in order to protect ourselves and annihilate the evil perpetrator on the other side. In truth, none of us are one sided. Simplistic, black-and-white worlds and characters fit in fairy tales but not in a complex real-life setting. In fact, the old adage, "it takes two to tango" holds very true when it comes to conflict.