Are you uncomfortable with the idea of an angry exchange? Many women feel this way. And angry exchanges at work are often the ones we fear most. Sadly, this aversion to disagree can bring more negative consequences than the original disagreement. Failing to speak-up when someone has stepped on your toes can lead to bloody feet (metaphorically) and destructive resentments. It is possible to overcome your fear of fighting and become skilled in the art of productive disagreement. This section will teach you what you need to know in order to become confident in your ability to fight smart and fight fair.
Action Point
Before you even think about bringing up an unpleasant issue, rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Things that don't rate as an 8, 9, or 10 are usually not worth arguing about. Instead, ask yourself: 30 minutes, 30 days, or 30 years from now, will I still care about this? If not, let it go. If you will care, you need to focus in on Who? What? and When? The next section will tell you how.
This is a three-part process. First, pick who you are fighting with, then pick what you are fighting about, and finally decide when to bring it up.
Make a note
If someone is a lunatic, don't waste your time. Instead, stay as far away as possible. Minimize your dealings with crazy people. This will save you time and money. I repeat, do not argue with crazy people. Even if you win, you lose.
Before you engage in any argument, make sure you are dealing with the right person. Does this person have the authority necessary to give you what you want? Do not waste your time and energy on a substitute or stand-in. It's almost always a good idea to wait for the real decision-maker to show up before you start listing your complaints.
Getting the Who? right can be a challenge. In the workplace, an employee may turn on a supervisor who is just following orders instead of going after the boss who is setting down the rules. This is not productive. It's easy to misdirect negative feelings onto someone who is an easier mark. But choosing the right person is critical to fighting smart and fighting fair.
Only argue over things that can be measured. Do not argue over values and beliefs. Yesterday, I got myself in an uproar trying to convince someone that her political beliefs are full of holes. HELLO! I should know better. Ultimately, if she feels better believing stories that seem to be designed to manipulate the masses with fear, who am I to point to the alternate reality? Values and beliefs are not negotiable. Only argue over things that can result in an action plan: you will do this, I won't do that, and so on. Leave the rest of it for the pundits.
If you are sure you want to go forward, think about the consequences of bringing up the topic. Timing is critical. Ask yourself if this is the best time to make your point or if it would be better to shut up now and bring it up later. In any event, avoid arguing in public at all costs.
List
There are four simple rules for a fair fight:
- Fight in the here and now. Do not bring up things that happened in the distant past.
- Listen to each other. Do not talk over someone. Instead, take turns speaking, even if you have to use a timer to make it happen.
- Keep the focus on yourself; use "I" statements to avoid pointing the finger of blame. It's not important what percentage of fault each of you contributed to the creation of the problem.
- Avoid threats, name-calling, contempt, nagging, whining, and any other communication strategy that could be seen as manipulative.
Find commonalities. Seek out similarities. Building your discussion on a foundation of points of agreement allows you to move on with a better – more harmonious – perspective.
What's in it for them? Instead of focusing on what you want, focus on what features and benefits the other person will receive. This is somewhat of a paradox but it is truly easier to get what you want when the person on the other side sees that you are trying to satisfy her also
Look at the big picture. Once you have outlined the big picture perspective you can focus in on the details.
Clearly state what you want or need. Move beyond the story and the past. Instead, create an outline of what you want and why. Once you have outlined your priorities and goals, it is easier to be future focused. We cannot negotiate what happened in the past, it's done. But, we can negotiate the future.
Stick to the facts. Your opinions and beliefs can muddy the waters. Facts are facts.
Give everyone time to think, process the information, and cool down. Everything looks different in the morning.
Speak in a language the other person understands. Don't talk feelings to your accountant. (Unless your accountant likes to talk about feelings.) This is not an excuse to be condescending or inauthentic. If you are not genuine you will come across as untrustworthy. So, seek out a balance between your state of mind and theirs.
Get positive closure. Each argument ends with one of three possible outcomes:
- Agreement
- Agree to disagree and move on
- No agreement and horns still locked
The final outcome is the resolution you don't want. Of course, just because you're here now doesn't mean this is where you'll stay. Remember, there is a HUGE difference between going away unhappy and going away so angry that getting a gun sounds like a good idea. If you "win" and the other side goes home and gets his gun, you lost.
Finally, be comfortable apologizing. A genuine apology can bring about profound change and healing. It is one way to give the "loser" an opportunity to save face. Often, you can come out the big winner when you apologize. We will discuss apologies in the next section.