Make some notes about the situation and your feelings. Write about where you are, where you want to be, and how you might get there. Consider the best, worst, and probable outcome to your circumstances. Finally, before you hold a difficult discussion, you should ask yourself the following 12 questions:

Are you willing to risk damaging or losing the relationship? If not, you may not want to engage in this conversation. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube, and you cannot take back your words once you have shared them with someone else.

Is this a relationship that you want or need to save? If not, you may not want to engage in the discussion. It may be better to just move on.

Are you going to ask the person on the other side to change? If you are, you may want to think twice. It's difficult to change even when we are highly motivated. It's almost impossible to change when the stimulus for change is coming from an external force.

What is the best location to hold the discussion? Is a comfortable, neutral meeting location available?

What political forces are sustaining the conflict? Who needs to be involved in the discussion? And, who needs to be involved in the implementation of any possible resolutions?

What are the possible consequences of admitting a mistake, losing emotional control, or exposing a personal vulnerability?

What level of confidentiality is reasonable to expect?

Should any topics or solutions be off limits?

How can the situation be framed as a mutual problem?

Should there be any guidelines or ground rules? Personally, I am not a fan of guidelines. Some people will rebel at the mere mention of the word. Typically, business meetings do not need guidelines; we just assume that everyone will act in a reasonable and mature manner. However, if you believe that you need to lay out some guidelines before beginning your difficult discussion, make sure you avoid framing them in the negative (no name calling). Instead, stay positive (a commitment to show each other respect).

How long should this discussion be? Do you want to set a time limit or just let things flow? Setting a time limit provides structure and a way out. Leaving things open-ended, however, often allows for a critical unfolding of thoughts and feelings. There is no one-size-fits-all format. Consider all possibilities.

Does the person on the other side know that there is a problem? Do they know that something is bothering you, or will this conversation come as a surprise?

Be willing to come to the table and stay there. The other side will come if your message is "I want to find solutions that work for both of us." If you cannot carry the message, find someone who can intervene on your behalf and get you both to the table.

Sit down at a time when you are both clear headed and able to give this important conversation the time and energy it deserves.

Do not point fingers of blame. Instead, focus on finding solutions that work for both of you. This is collaboration. Make sure that your attitude reflects the fact that discord is simply a natural by-product of close human connection and almost always presents an opportunity for mutual learning. The following set of questions can be used to guide an effective discussion under stress:

Listen as if you are an outside observer with no prior knowledge of the situation. 25 years in the mediation business has taught me that there are at least two sides to every story. You may be very surprised when you hear the rest of the story.

Time gives you a chance to think, process new information, and cool down. If a discussion escalates so that people are no longer listening to each other, call a time-out. If stories are inconsistent, suggest wiping the slate clean, putting the incident in the past, and starting anew. If you are stuck and unable to find a solution, suggest writing down your perspectives of the dispute and some recommended remedies. Then, read each other's writings.

Under almost every human conflict, someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. These are the emotions that fuel our feuds. Sometimes, just defining that emotion and realizing that everyone involved feels somehow devalued is enough to resolve the dispute.

The closer the relationship, the more likely you are to have stepped on each other's toes. If you cannot bring yourself to apologize for anything specific, at least apologize for the distress that the other side has been living with and anything they believe you did to contribute to it. When you are willing to apologize for your errors and the stress that the situation has caused the others involved, they will usually find it difficult to continue arguing. Additionally, the apology can serve as the pivot that gets everyone to stop looking towards the past and move instead into the solution-focused future.

An agreement to disagree is resolution. On the other hand, leaving a conflict open-ended sets you up for future fights. End your conversation by shaking hands and signing off on a written version of the agreed-upon solution. Include some kind of formal or informal follow-up in the agreement in order to avoid a recurrence of the conflict. (A follow-up should be a key component of any difficult discussion.) Don't expect to find flawless solutions. A solution that can be revisited and readjusted may be a great first step.

Often, an outside opinion sheds light on your blind spots and helps reach an agreement. Consider bringing in a mediator if you need additional help with an important relationship.