If you expect one thing, and your coworker expects something else, chances are each of you will come to assume that your individual needs are not going to be met. When this happens, instinctively, you are each pushed into a fight-or-flight survival response. The part of your brain called the reptilian brain becomes activated. As you kick into high emotional gear, another part of the brain, your limbic system starts producing adrenaline and other powerful hormones. The reptilian brain and the limbic system are stronger and more automatic than your cerebral cortex, the thinking (or reasoning) part of the human brain. As the limbic system rushes hormones through your body, you intuitively move into defense mode. A desire for blood, vengeance, or validation may be evoked. Alternatively, you may want to rush and hide under the bed. Either way, physical symptoms such as a rapid increase in heart rate and blood pressure, excessive or shallow breathing, sweating, and trembling may become evident.
Make a note
Until you can bring your physiology under control, your ability to negotiate, reason, and empathize is reduced.
This physiological fight-or-flight response may have served our prehistoric ancestors as they ran from wild animals or fought with neighboring tribes. However, it does not serve you well in the modern workplace. Without a sense of safety, it is likely you will react to perceived threats in this primordial way; it's programmed into your biochemistry. STOP!! This can be detrimental to your career.
Make a note
Don't do anything while your reptile brain is in charge!
It is possible to calm your reptile brain and limbic system and move back into your cerebral cortex where you can reason and be reasonable. Mediator Stephen Kotev believes that we can train our bodies to more effectively manage the symptoms of the fight-or-flight response. He teaches body-awareness skills that are derived from the Japanese martial art of Aikido. For most of us, learning Aikido is not an option. However, there are some body-awareness techniques you can utilize when a perceived threat moves you out of your thinking brain. These include deep or focused breathing, reading your body, meditation or prayer, and journaling.
One of my favorite breathing techniques is heart-breathing. This method of focused breathing can help you relieve physiological symptoms in a matter of seconds.
Action Point
Focus your attention on the area around your heart and breathe into that space. Then, breathe out from your heart. As you slowly breathe into and through your heart, in your mind's eye, visualize something or someone that you are very grateful for. Hold this image as you take some additional breaths.
You will be amazed at the difference this can make in a very short time.
Action Point
Quietly sit or stand. Feel your feet firmly connecting to the ground beneath you. Beginning with this sense of grounded feet, slowly scan your body from the inside out. What sensations do you feel as you make a toe-to-head assessment? What hurts? Where is there tension? Try moving and stretching to loosen up the parts that are holding tension. If you are feeling strong emotions, it's often wise to simply sit and let the emotional energy pass through you.
It has been said that prayer is talking to God, and meditation is listening to God. Many people find one or both of these activities comforting.
Action Point
Even if you are not drawn to either prayer or meditation, you may still find it soothing to repeat a positive affirmation to yourself over and over again. My favorites are "I love and approve of myself" and "I am safe and all is well in my world."
Stream-of-consciousness writing is unstructured, unedited writing that explores your perceptions or feelings about a certain person, event, or situation.
Action Point
Just grab a pen and paper and start writing. Let it all out. Hopefully, when you are done, you will experience a sense of clarity or cleansing relief. Most of the time, it is best to keep this writing private. If you decide to share with a trusted confidant, make sure they understand and are in agreement regarding the level of confidentiality that you expect.
These techniques will not work unless you practice them. The time to practice is not when you are in the throes of a fight-or-flight reactive response. Instead, experiment and find the calming activity that works best for you when there is no perceived threat. Frequent practicing will make moving into your activity easier when your reptile brain and limbic system get fired up and start pushing you into survival (also known as lunatic) mode.