As we discussed in Chapter 1, All About Conflict, my 25 years in the mediation business has taught me that under every human conflict, someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. Sometimes, this sense of being devalued cannot be traced back. You might know that you feel it and not know where it came from. Other times, the root cause is a difference that can be easily identified.
Defining and understanding the root cause of a conflict often allows a shift away from right/wrong thinking and towards a more inclusive, bigger picture. This section will show you how to identify conflicts that are based in culture, communication, values, vision, and appreciation style differences. Once these conflicts are better defined, they can be more easily defused.
Each of us has personal biases, prejudices, and styles that are the product of our individual natures, personal experiences, and backgrounds. Our preferences grow out of the cultures we identify with, the interaction and communication styles we are naturally comfortable with, our values, our visions for the future, and how we show others that we appreciate them. When these differences clash, conflicts often blossom.
If you can point to (or define) a specific difference, people in conflict can sometimes see that their differences do not have to be resolved with an either/or. Instead, they can often accept that their differences may be able to exist simultaneously, and they can just move on.
When you want to analyze a conflict, it can be helpful to consider differences in:
List
Culture
Communication styles
Values
Vision
Appreciation styles
Generally, once you are able to define these differences, those involved will be better able to accept them and move on.
Culture is more than nationality. No doubt you have already experienced the significant cultural differences between women and men. Likewise, millennials are culturally different from baby boomers. Often, an employee who has been indoctrinated into a corporate culture that stresses conformity to corporate policy and rules may confuse a more entrepreneurial coworker, who makes snap-decisions as she searches for innovative ideas. Members of specific cultures and subcultures have their own sets of values and norms. When people from different cultures and subcultures come together in the workplace, friction, blowups, and misunderstanding may ensue.
Culture affects the way people view and deal with conflict. Some cultures normalize high emotion, while in other cultures, people are expected to be rational and courteous even when they are embroiled in conflict. These differences may leave people feeling confused, intimidated, repulsed, or unwilling to trust the sincerity of the person on the other side.
Think back to the communication differences we discussed in Chapter 3, Workplace Conflict in the New Normal – The Reasons and the Costs. In David J. Ludwig's faith-based marriage-enrichment program "The Power of We," he described two communication types: pointers and painters. Pointers get to the point. Painters, on the other hand, want to paint a detail-filled picture. To the pointer, bringing up certain issues may feel like an attack. So, the pointer's natural response is to withdraw during times of conflict. Painters do not withdraw; they do the opposite, revisiting issues over and over again, overstating for effect. Clearly, when a pointer and painter work closely together, the seeds of conflict are ripe. When you understand and spot this dynamic, it becomes clear that this is a communication style difference, not the result of malicious motives.
Make a note
Keep in mind, however, that the painter-pointer classification is often not crystal clear. I've noticed that some big talkers can be painters when speaking and pointers when listening.
Values are the principles and standards that guide us as we move through life. Our values direct our actions, judgments, attitudes, and decisions about what is good, bad, right, and wrong. For most of us, our values are fluid—they change as a result of the changes in society and our individual situations.
When we are able to look behind the details of a conflict story, the warring parties' underlying motivations may be similar or opposite. This motivation, which is often expressed as intentions, hopes, dreams, or commitments, usually points to their core values. It's hard to hate someone when you share and understand their motivation. When two people share values, it's almost always a unifying factor that they can call upon to guide them in their interactions and decisions.
Make a note
Organizational psychologists have concluded that when workers share values with their supervisors and organizations, there are higher levels of satisfaction and productivity. On the other hand, a lack of shared values can tear an organization, friendship, or family apart.
Think back to the visioning exercise in Chapter 3, Workplace Conflict in the New Normal – The Reasons and the Costs. Your vision is your plan for the future; it's what drives where you go and how you get there. A vision that is connected to a sense of purpose is the most powerful motivator—much stronger than money. Look at Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, or Nelson Mandela. Could you pay people to do that? No. When people share a common purpose, their conflicts take a back seat.
Each of us openly express some parts of our life's vision. We all keep other parts more private, acknowledging them only as dreams for the future, if at all. When people come together with different expectations for the future, they can become discouraged by the difficulty of bringing their visions into alignment and reality.
Make a note
Often, people with competing or conflicting visions perceive the other as a threat to survival. This threat triggers the fight-or-flight response in the reptilian brain as discussed in Chapter 1, All About Conflict.
You may have to dig, but when you can find and define common aspects within peoples' visions, it becomes easier to move them towards unity and away from disharmony. Even the hint of a shared vision can get disputing parties back into more conscious thinking, which happens in the cerebral cortex of the brain. With a shared vision, the potential for the creation of a grander picture of the future exists. At the very least, a path to move on without stepping on one another's toes can emerge.
In his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman says that there are five styles people use to convey and receive love. Most of us will have a natural preference for one or two of the styles and not really connect to the others. Understanding these styles and how they are expressed in close relationships (not only romantic relationships) can help you define a conflict's root cause. We already know that conflict is often a response to one's sense of being devalued. When two people who work together face persistent conflicts, it may be because they are failing to convey or translate a sense of value or appreciation to one another.
Using Chapman's ideas, we can understand how messages of appreciation can become lost in translation when two people use different styles to express that appreciation. Chapman identifies these five languages:
- Words of affirmation. People who prefer this style show others appreciation with unsolicited compliments and praise. Likewise, hearing these words of affirmation from others will speak loudly, making their hearts sing.
- Quality time. People who prefer this style show appreciation with shared time and availability for connection and memory building. On the flip side, they will become angry and insulted when someone is distracted or misses appointments.
- Gifts. As Chapman explains it, this is not about materialism. Instead, for those who prefer this style, the thought and effort put into selecting and giving the gift are what shows that the giver understands and values the receiver. Likewise, a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift can spell disaster.
- Acts of service. People who prefer this style will do their fair share of the tasks at hand and then go the extra mile. In return, they want others to show appreciation by easing the burden of their responsibilities. When this doesn't happen and they believe that someone else is lazy, breaking commitments, or making more work for them, they feel unappreciated and angry.
- Physical touch. Appropriate in some relationships, not appropriate in others, physical affection can convey a powerful message of comfort and soothing. Acts as small as a pat on the shoulder, a handshake, or a hug can be big to people who prefer this style. In the workplace, however, physical touch can be a time bomb. Only touch others when you are sure that it is welcome and appropriate.
Action Point
When you want to know which style will convey a message of appreciation to someone, just look at the style they use to convey appreciation to others. Most of us will "speak" in the style that we find easiest to hear. For example, If someone frequently uses words of praise, they will probably be receptive to hearing your praise for them. On the other hand, someone who never uses words of praise may find your compliments insincere.
Carole and Amy have been business partners for the last 13 years. Carole's preferred languages of appreciation are words of affirmation and gifts. She is a master at gushing, heaping compliments and gifts upon those she cares about. On the other hand, Amy is a little too caustic for compliments. She tends to talk to the broken parts, looking for improvement. She just doesn't get the whole gift scene. Amy says:
"I have enough junk in my garage; if I want something badly enough, I usually find a way to get it, and if someone gives me a gift, I feel the need to reciprocate. Reciprocating takes time, the one thing I don't have enough of. I love spending time with the people I care about. It doesn't matter what we do, sharing a meal or taking a walk is all it takes. The connection built in time spent makes my heart and soul sing. Likewise, acts of service speak volumes to me. I want to share what I know with those I care about. If one of them can do something for me that I would otherwise have to do for myself—from making me a cup of tea to fixing my computer—it is really, really appreciated."
Can you see how Carole and Amy might have some issues in showing each other appreciation? Without this appreciation, little things can start to snowball. Knowing that they are drawn to different appreciation styles has helped Carole and Amy clarify their expectations and made their relationship easier.
Make a note
When we analyze a conflict by pointing out the differences in culture, communication, values, vision, and appreciation styles, people in conflict are often able to see that neither of them is right, wrong, better, or worse. They are just different. Once they accept this fact, they can usually disengage, agree to disagree, and move on.