This book is designed to build on your natural attributes and talents and the skills and knowledge you have acquired and developed through other life experiences. Having read this far, you are already knowledgeable about conflict dynamics, aware of the styles individuals use to manage conflicts, and acquainted with the key methods that can be used to resolve or manage conflicts.
This chapter will take you to the next level and enable you to sharpen three key skills: conscious conflict ownership, negotiation, and listening. These are critical as you become an expert in conflict prevention and conflict management. At the end of this chapter, you will understand:
- The conscious conflict ownership mindset and four things you can do to achieve it
- The negotiation process and how you can prepare yourself for masterful negotiations
- Effective listening strategies and how you can use them in your conflict-management toolbox
Our conflicts are our best teachers. Few of us grow, change, or learn in the absence of conflict. Conscious conflict ownership is the ability to look at your conflicts and clearly see how you created or co-created the situation, where you are, and where you could be. Like a mirror, conscious conflict ownership, helps you see your blind spots and unconscious patterns. This reflection allows you to gauge your position and posture, and adjust and improve your standing.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin
Conscious conflict ownership is about accessing information at a deeper level. This information can bring you a sense of connectedness as well as an inner knowing that allows you to see beyond your blind spots. Today, the concept of conscious awareness is being embraced as a powerful tool to transcend unconscious patterns. Even people who would have previously dismissed the idea as flakey are now open to becoming acquainted with what is going on at deeper levels.
Conscious conflict ownership is conscious awareness that enables you to look at your conflicts through a sharper lens so that you can see how your decisions and actions interact with other factors and forces. It is about seeing the previously unseen and recognizing how your thoughts, feelings, and actions impact others. Conscious conflict ownership enables you to see your own conflicts from different perspectives, grasp the lessons these conflicts can provide, and incorporate those lessons into your life.
When we are involved in conflict, sometimes, it is possible to unravel and sort through the conflict on our own. In fact, the person on the other side may never even have to know that the conflict exists. Conscious conflict ownership occurs when you are able to look at an existing conflict, see your contribution to it, and change your position, attitude, actions, or reactions. When you find that a conflict has gone away entirely, seemingly on its own, you have probably experienced conscious conflict ownership.
There are four main components to conscious conflict ownership, as follows:
List
Take a Step Back and Reflect
Don't take it personally
Be aware of your physiology
Keep moving forward, with heart
Now, let's understand each one.
When you step back from conflict you can see the bigger picture and reflect upon your part in its creation. Doing this will help you develop your insight and critical thinking and increase your willingness to be accountable for your own actions and reactions, rather than blaming others.
In The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz, a leader in the conscious awareness community, tells us:
"Don't take it personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
It's easy to fall into the take-it-personally trap. In reality, other people are acting and reacting based on what is best for them. Everyone is focused on their own little world. When we are able to accept things as they are and recognize that when someone else's actions irritate, hurt, or annoy us, it's not about us, but about them; the benefit is a sense of freedom.
Physical sensations and emotions provide important messages. But we have been programmed to ignore them. The subtle rumblings of feeling dismissed, discounted, disrespected, disenfranchised, or otherwise devalued can build-up to the point of no return. However, when you address these sensations, which are actually part of the fight or flight survival response in your nervous system, before you are propelled into explosion, you can avoid conflict drama and come out the winner.
Acknowledge your mistakes, make positive suggestions for the future, follow up when appropriate, and ultimately learn from (and avoid repeating) your missteps. When you engage in this forward motion, without harsh self-talk, you will find yourself open to the lessons that your conflicts can provide.
Yes, aligning your mindset to embrace Conscious Conflict Ownership is no small task. But, it's worth the work. When you are able to look at an existing conflict, see your individual contributions to it, and change your position, attitude, actions, or reactions, you may find that the conflict has gone away entirely, seemingly on its own. Ultimately, Conscious Conflict Ownership will bring you pay-offs that include improved relationships, a reduction in the amount and intensity of your conflicts, and a better understanding of yourself and your world.
Action Point
When you have time and space, write down or otherwise recount the story of a significant conflict you faced from the perspective of the person on the other side. Think of this as a role-play exercise; you are an actor, playing a role. Imagine what this person might say about what they saw, heard, or felt. Consider all the factors that this person lives with. Describe how the stressors of their life might have impacted them. Think of ways in which they could justify their actions based on their circumstances.
Next, figure out what the two of you have in common. Is there any place that your goals complement one another? For instance, in the workplace, you may both be perceived as childish or catty if you continue to fight. If you can put your differences behind you, both of your reputations will benefit. Knowing that you both want the same thing—for instance, to look good to the boss—doesn't mean it's an either/or. You can both accomplish this goal. Conscious conflict ownership involves the willingness to see options that have been beyond your vision until now. Believing there is enough to go around will enable you to stop fighting for crumbs.
When your mindset is aligned with conscious conflict ownership, the payoffs include increased trust, a bridging of the gaps between different perspectives and cultures, engaged stakeholders, and sustained collaboration, all of which are increasingly important in business.
Make a note
On a personal, tribal, or global level (think of your workplace as a tribe), conscious conflict ownership enables you to better understand yourself and your world.