The more we rub, the more likely combustion will occur. Years ago, my husband, David, committed an atrocity, and I was furiously angry. (Right now, amazingly, I don't remember what he did, and for the sake of my sanity, I won't work too hard to recall the memory.) Anyway, after a long drawn-out discussion, I wanted him to promise that he would never do THAT (whatever it was) again. He said he would do his best, but while he was committed to making all efforts not to repeat this particular offense, he was sure that he would otherwise hurt or disappoint me again. He was right. How could it be otherwise? People who are close to one another, physically or emotionally, are much more likely to bump into and rub up against each other. Someone who is just a bit player in your life doesn't really have the ability to devastate you. However, those people who are closely connected to your career, which involves professional identity (the way you see yourself), professional reputation (the way others see you), and income, as well as the people you really care about in your personal life, do. So, even little slights, when they come from a primary player, can be excruciatingly painful.

Frequently, psychological forces are operating beneath the surface of a given conflict. The process of projection may be used to explain the dynamics in some conflicts. Projection is a method of emotional self-preservation that allows us to place or project our own unacceptable, threatening, or repressed attributes, thoughts, motives, and emotions onto someone else. We then start to believe that these things are accurate. An example of projection is the woman who has secret fears of being incompetent. She buries and denies her fears and then concludes that her boss is incompetent.

There are three different ways conflict plays out in our lives. The three categories of conflict are as follows:

Task and process conflicts can be very productive as they are rooted in finding best practices. These are the conflicts that are opportunities to expand perspectives and investigate new options. Warning! Task and process conflicts, when ignored for too long, can be misinterpreted and inflamed. The end result is that they can become destructive relationship conflicts, full of suspicion and competition.

Relationship conflicts (the proverbial personality clash) revolve around personal attacks that seem to pop up on their own. Parties embroiled in relationship conflict will often engage in mean-spirited behaviors aimed at fulfilling individual agendas or discrediting the other party, who is designated as "the enemy." When faced with a relationship conflict, your first task is to stop the situation from escalating further.

Early in this chapter I explained that conflicts play out in two ways. Sometimes we are the main characters in a conflict and sometimes we are drawn into someone else's conflict as a third party supporter. I wish I could honestly tell you that after reading this book, you will be able to manage all of your own conflicts, avoid dangerous emotional triggers, and never get your buttons pushed again. However, if I said that, I would be lying. On the other hand, I can tell you that a third person who is brave enough to intervene in someone else's conflict can bring about miraculous results. When a willing mediator is able to create a safe environment, emotional triggers can lose their charge. As the mediator gently pushes people in conflict away from emotional mayhem and into rational thinking, magic happens. Unfortunately, it is impossible to be both a mediator and a participant in a conflict. So, please share this book with a friend. We can—we must—act as each other's mediators.