Emotional self-control is the ability to manage disturbing emotions and remain effective, even in stressful situations. The key is managing, not suppressing emotions--to stop and think before acting. Daniel Goleman in his book, The Brain and Emotional Intelligence, talks about the amygdala hijack to refer to the situations when we lose control. During the so-called amygdala hijack, you cannot focus on the work at hand--your brain is highly focused on the threat, and your memory also changes to survival mode, only remembering what is important to keep you safe from the threat. Your old neurological pathways of fight or flight become your default way of acting therefore, you lose the ability to learn new solutions, be innovative, flexible, and change.
How to have self-control:
- Mindful breathing: Everybody knows that it helps to breathe. There are many different qualities of the breath, but we only need to learn about two: rhythm and smoothness. If we focus on these two dimensions, even for a few short minutes, the production of cortisol and adrenaline will stop:
- Rhythm: To breath rhythmically means that the in breath and out breath occur repeatedly at the same intervals. Inhale, counting 1, 2, 3, and 4, and then exhale, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Inhale again, counting 1, 2, 3, and 4, and then exhale again, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 this establishes rhythm.
- Smoothness: At the same time, we should invite the breath to be even or smooth, meaning that the volume of the breath stays consistent as it moves in and out, like sipping liquid through a narrow straw. If we manage those two qualities for just a few minutes, the breath assists us in remaining present, making it possible to stay with an intense sensation in the body.
- Reflection: To help you identify where your strong reaction is coming from. Take a moment and ask yourself the following questions: Is this situation really a threat? Our knee-jerk reaction may be an over reaction. Take a moment to determine whether or not there is really a threat to something you value. Is the severity of your reaction truly warranted? What action would be best in this situation? Identify the action or behavior that would be best in the situation. It might be taking a break, taking a walk, having a conversation with the other person (or people) involved, apologizing, calming down and then coming back to listen, or it might be just walking away. By identifying what you should do, you are also identifying what you should not do. What do I need in order to be able to take that action? Do you need more time? More information? Do you need to de-stress? You don't want to attempt to take the right action if you aren't in the right mindset or don't have all the tools you need in order to be successful.
- Reframing: In order to change your self-talk around the situation. With strong emotional reactions often comes negative self-talk. You can start to practice positive self-talking by using the following positive sentences: "I made an honest mistake. That's frustrating, but I can certainly fix it," "I need to take a break so my frustration doesn't prevent me from doing a good job," "I'm not in a good mood today," "My ideas aren't always the ones chosen. I need to get honest feedback on that last idea," "Let me make sure I have fully understood the goal," "What can I do to help get us there," or "She might be someone who doesn't want a friendly relationship with me, and that's OK."
- Rehearsal: Helps you mentally prepare for the action you need to take in order to manage your emotions. A good tool to use is to rehearse your action and behavior in your mind and out loud. Consider how you would like the action to take place in detail. For example, if you are going to have a serious talk with your team manager about a problem you are having with another teammate, what would be the best environment to have the talk? Will you sit or stand? How will you start the conversation? What should your body language look like? What about your facial expression? What are the important points that you need to make, or what are the key pieces of information that you need to get? If it is helpful, you can write an outline or list in order to assist you with your rehearsal.