As human beings, we are groomed by evolution to protect ourselves whenever we sense a threat. In our modern context, we do not fight like a badger with a coyote or, run away like a rabbit from a fox. But our basic impulse to protect ourselves is automatic and unconscious. We have two amygdalae; they are responsible for detecting fear and preparing our body for an emergency response. When we perceive a threat, the amygdala sounds an alarm, releasing a cascade of stress hormones. Adrenaline and cortisol immediately flood our system preparing us for fight or flight. When this deeply instinctive function takes over, we have been triggered. The flood of stress hormones creates body sensations like a quivering in our solar plexus, limbs, or our voice, increased heart rate or sweaty palms, rapid and shallow breathing, heat flush, throat constrict, or the back of our neck tighten and jaw set. The active amygdala immediately shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal cortex (the rational brain), so we become disoriented in a heated conversation. Complex decision-making disappears, as does our access to multiple perspectives. As our attention narrows, we find ourselves trapped in the one perspective that makes us feel safest: I am right and you are wrong--even though we ordinarily see more perspectives and our memory becomes untrustworthy. The brain drops the memory function, altogether, in an effort to survive the threat. When our memory is compromised like this, we cannot recall something from the past that might help us calm down. In fact, we cannot remember much of anything. We are filled with the flashing red light of the amygdala indicating Danger, react! Danger, protect! Danger, attack! In the throes of an amygdala hijack, we cannot choose how we want to react because, the old protective mechanism in the nervous system, does it for us even before we glimpse that there could be a choice. That is why when during a fight with your partner or friend, you literally cannot remember a positive thing about them. Ok Emilia! All that amygdala hijack sounds terrible, so what can we do to stop it or prevent it? You can learn and practice Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the perfect awareness technique to employ when a conflict arises. Practicing mindfulness in the middle of a conflict demands a willingness to stay present, to feel intense, to override our negative thoughts, and to engage our breath to maintain a presence with the body. Like any skill, it takes practice.

Let's learn the steps to use mindfulness during a conflict:

1. Stay present: By default, our mind is running in auto-pilot so that it becomes more difficult to be mindful. But with daily practice we can turn our default mode to be mindful, be present. In the beginning when you are being emotionally triggered, you may notice a change in your tone of voice, griping sensations in the belly, or a sudden desire to withdraw. In the moment that you feel you are being triggered, breathe deeply and bring to your mind an image that gives you inner peace. Stay put and present, to be curious and explore our experience. My visual cue to help me calm down is a mental image of my Reiki students during the practicing classes--as it is an image of pure love, serenity, kindness, and compassion. It helps me to immediately relax.

2. Stop the judging mind: You need to completely let go of the judging mind. When we feel threatened, the mind immediately fills with all kinds of difficult thoughts and stories about what is happening. To stop the feedback loop between your thoughts and your body you need to forget the story just for a minute. If the negative thoughts persist, so do the stressful hormones.
3. Focus on your body: Body Scan Meditation is a great tool to practice focusing on feeling and exploring whatever sensations arise in the body. We allow the mind to be as open as possible, noticing the different places in the body where sensations occur, what is tight, shaky, rushing, or hurts. We pay attention to the different qualities and textures of the sensations, and the way things change and shift. We can also notice how biased we are against unpleasant or more intense sensations. Feel your sensation naturally, just as they are, don't try to control or change them.
4. Breath: Rhythm and Smoothness. If we focus on these two dimensions of breathing, even for a few short minutes, the production of the cortisol and adrenaline will stop. Rhythm--inhale, counting 1, 2, 3, and 4, and then exhale, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, then inhale again, counting 1, 2, 3, and 4, and then exhale again, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6; this establishes rhythm. Smoothness at the same time, the volume of the breath stays consistent as it moves in and out, like sipping liquid through a narrow straw. If you manage those two qualities for just a few minutes, the breath assists you in staying present with intense sensations in the body. Paying attention to our body re-establishes equilibrium faster, restoring our ability to think, to listen, and relate. Each time we succeed in being mindful of our body in moments of distress, we develop our capacity. Before we know it, our old habit of fight or flight is changing, and the world is a safer place.