To gain a perspective on helping, let us listen in on a session between a helper and an adolescent helpee who is plagued by physical illnesses:
| Helpee: |
Things are so bad. |
| Helper: |
You’re really desperate. |
| Helpee: |
I’m afraid I may do something bad to myself. |
| Helper: |
You’re scared because you’re at the end of your rope. |
| Helpee: |
I’ve lost all my friends. |
| Helper: |
You’re lost and alone. |
| Helpee: |
I’m failing at everything that I’m doing. |
| Helper: |
You’re losing control of everything. |
| Helpee: |
Now everyone sees me only in terms of my illnesses. |
| Helper: |
You’re furious because they don’t treat you as a whole person. |
| Helpee: |
I admit that I haven’t managed my own illness. |
| Helper: |
You’re disappointed because you haven’t man-aged your part of the treatment. |
| Helpee: |
But I can’t stand the doctor—going to her place is like going into a “hell hole.” |
| Helper: |
You actually feel terrified by her treatment program. |
| Helpee: |
I feel myself being pulled in deeper and deeper into the “hole” by the “whirlpool.” |
| Helper: |
You feel hopeless—like no one can help. |
| Helpee: |
I’m willing to work on myself, but I don’t want to be treated like I’m a “nobody.” |
| Helper: |
So you’re willing to work on your part of the bargain. |
| Helpee: |
I promise I’m going to work on it. |
| Helper: |
You’re committed to your responsibilities but you want to work with someone who accepts you. |
| Helpee: |
I know I can do it if someone doesn’t reject me for who I am. |
| Helper: |
So I’m available and I’d love to work with you. |
That night, the helper had a dream from which he awoke with a “searing headache.” He had fallen into a deep abyss, a “hell hole.” He had been pulled under by a “whirlpool.” Finally, before waking violently, in his dream, his own mother had “rejected” him vehemently.
The helper has incorporated the helpee’s experience. He has taken on her fears as if they were his. He has become a “true helper.”
The foregoing is a verbatim session of helping. I know because I was the helper and my distressed granddaughter was the helpee. Her crises were my opportunity to help. I had to draw upon the same basework of empathy responding and operational initiative that are proposed in this text:
• Attending to facilitate involving;
• Responding to facilitate exploring;
• Personalizing to facilitate understanding;
• Initiative to facilitate acting.
These are the basic skills of helping. They are operational and, thus, learnable and repeatable. They are impactful and, thus, measurable and growthful. They will change your lives and those of your loved ones as they have changed mine and my loved ones.
