HELPEE PROCESSING/
HELPER RECYCLING |
TYPE OF RESPONSE |
| Tom: |
“You know, I’ve tried to work things out with my parents. But things haven’t worked out the way I rehearsed them.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re pretty upset because your rehearsals didn’t pan out.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“Yeah. Maybe I didn’t check myself out while I was attending to them, but I was really trying.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re also upset because some check steps got left out.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“Yeah. But I’m most disappointed in their reactions to me. I was really trying to attend to them like we practiced, but they kept holding me off.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re disappointed that they didn’t receive your attentiveness.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“Maybe they’re just not ready for it. Or suspicious of it.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re unsure because they may think you’re only attentive to set them up for something bigger.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“It’s true. I often did set them up in the past. Maybe they’re just not ready for a change in me.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re really sad because you’re left out of their lives.” |
Personalizing Meaning |
| Tom: |
“Maybe it’s me.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re really disappointed in yourself because you didn’t bring it off with them.” |
Personalizing the Problem |
| Tom: |
“My parents do mean a lot to me.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re committed to working things through with them.” |
Personalizing the Goal |
| Tom: |
“Yeah. I’ll revise my program and build in some more check steps. I’m gonna make it work.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re determined to follow through with them. Maybe we need to work on a step that lets them know that you’re really trying to change—to help them become attentive with you.” |
Initiating a Step Program |
| Tom: |
“I just wish my parents could get into listening instead of yelling at me all the time.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re saying that your parents holler a lot and don’t pay much attention to what you have to say.” |
Responding to Content |
| Joan: |
“His parents and mine, too. Honestly, they treat us like we were little kids!” |
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| Helper: |
“You feel pretty angry with them.” |
Responding to Feeling |
| Tom: |
“They’re living in a dream world.” |
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| Helper: |
“It bugs you that they’re so out of touch.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“Yeah, and I just wish they’d let up on us.” |
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| Helper: |
“You really resent that they’re always on your back.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Joan: |
“We both do. See, we’ve been making some plans of our own. Only they won’t believe that we’re mature enough to handle things.” |
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| Helper: |
“It’s frustrating when your parents don’t accept your capabilities.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Tom: |
“You know it! I mean, all we want to do is live together. That’s no big thing today, right? But they act like such jerks, they think we’re going to ruin our lives!” |
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| Helper: |
“You feel furious because they won’t let you make your own decisions.” |
Responding to Meaning |
| Joan: |
“Exactly! We’ve tried to show that we’re responsible people, but it hasn’t helped. I don’t know how we’re supposed to convince them that we can handle it.” |
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| Helper: |
“What it comes down to is that you are both fed up with the fact that they want you to live by their policies and you want to live your own lives on your own terms and not theirs.” |
Personalizing the Goal |
| Tom: |
“It’s really a messed-up situation any way you look at it.” |
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| Helper: |
“It’s a lousy feeling because even though you’re pretty mad at your parents, you still care a lot about how they feel.” |
Personalizing Meaning |
| Joan: |
“Yeah, I’ve thought about that a lot.” |
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| Tom: |
“And now, because of all their negative comments, we’re starting to wonder if they could be right. How can we help but wonder when our parents are making us look at the bad side all the time.” |
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| Helper: |
“So you’re kind of uneasy, too, because you’re not confident enough in yourself to be sure that moving in together would definitely be the right thing.” |
Personalizing Meaning |
| Joan: |
“For me it’s like—well, when my parents tell me what to do, it makes me very defensive. But when I’m alone—I don’t know— what if we went ahead and then found out we were making a mistake?” |
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| Helper: |
“It concerns you because you can’t figure out for sure what’s the best thing for you both to do regardless of what others want you to do.” |
Personalizing the Problem |
| Tom: |
“Uh huh. I mean—well, I love Joan too much to want to do something for the wrong reason—just to get back at my parents, for example.” |
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| Helper: |
“It’s scary because you can’t be sure you’re doing the right thing for the right reasons.” |
Personalizing the Feeling |
| Joan: |
“That’s just it. I’m not sure we would even be so ready to live together if our parents weren’t so set against it.” |
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| Helper: |
“You feel confused right now because you can’t stop living in reaction to your parents even though you want to make decisions that reflect who you are.” |
Personalizing the Goal |
| Tom: |
“Yeah, we’ve got to be ourselves.” |
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| Helper: |
“You’re certain you want to be yourselves even though you’re sometimes not sure what that really means.” |
Personalizing Meaning |
| Helper: |
“It sounds to me like your goal isn’t really to live together—but that you really want to find a way to make decisions based on your own values, rather than just re acting to others. What that means is being able to use your personal values to decide whether or not to live together.” |
Defining the Goal |
| Tom: |
“Yeah—but that’s just it. Even when I know something is important, I can’t seem to figure out what to do about it.” |
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| Helper: |
“It’s irritating when you can’t figure out how to live by your own values. The first thing you might do is explore your values and make a list of all the things that are important to you.” |
Initiating the First Step |
| Joan: |
“Sure—but how’s that going to help us know what to do?” |
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| Helper: |
“Well, once you know what’s important, you can prioritize your values by deciding which one is most important, next important and so on—then you can use all this information to make the decision.” |
Initiating Intermediate Steps |
| Tom: |
“So you mean that some of our values ought to influence our decision more than others and that we have to know those values so we can make the best choice.” |
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| Helper: |
“That’s right. When do you think you could make up a list of your values and priorities so we could get together and talk them over?” |
Initiating Schedules |
| Joan: |
“We can get that done this afternoon and tonight.” |
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| Helper: |
“O.K. If you do that, then I’ll meet with you both again on Thursday to review what you’ve done and to show you how to use those values systematically to make the best choices for you.” |
Initiating Reinforcements |
| Tom: |
“I think we’re going to feel a whole lot better once we’ve worked this thing through.” |
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| Helper: |
”You already feel better just knowing that you’re going to be able to make the best decision based on the things that are really important to you.” |
Personalizing Meaning |
HELPING