“You can’t get there from here.” Behaviorally, the simplest step, attending, is also the step where most people fall down. Our entire cultural conditioning teaches us not to attend. That way we will not let our personal involvement get in the way of what we have to do to our “competition.” By not attending, we communicate that others do not matter. We also fail to learn what it is they have to offer. Inevitably, non-attending is selfdefeating. We are all losers!

NON-ATTENDING NON-ATTENTIVENESS

“You can’t get there without it.” The significance of attending is that we cannot help without it. In its broadest sense, it simply means “paying attention.” By the principle of reciprocity, it means that people to whom we attend will, in return, attend to us. In other words, we communicate our interest in each other and the problem at hand. Now, attending has profound implications. My friend, Dr. Berenson, used to recommend that we assign counselor trainees an animal or a plant to keep alive for a year before working with humans. When we think about the requirements of animal and plant life, we begin to understand those of human life.

ATTENDING PAYING ATTENTION

But the real function of paying attention is learning. We can learn most of what we need to know about any phenomena—human or otherwise—by using our senses as “dedicated processors.” If you want to understand how one data element relates to another, then become one. If you need to understand an animal’s frame of reference, then get on your hands and knees and view the world the way an animal does. If you want to understand human experience, then try becoming one—at least for a while! Assume the posture of the batter: “Is the child trying to hit the ball or get out of its way?” Observe the appearance of the learner: “Is the student focused upon the learning material or upon disappearing into the woodwork?” Listen to the grumblings of your peers: “Are they talking about what they seem to be talking about or are they actually talking about themselves in relation to you?”

PAYING ATTENTION HUMAN LEARNING

Now think about what you can learn from the appearance and behavior of your helpees. There are only three behavioral courses open to any person at any choice point in their lives: flight, fight or relate:

•  Flight — Are they moving away from you?

•  Fight — Are they moving against you?

•  Relate — Are they moving toward you?

Are your helpees inclined to flight? Most are! Can you find the clues in their appearance and behavior? Are your helpees disposed to fight? Some are! What are the cues, or signals, of aggression? Are your helpees ready to relate? Few are! Their progress depends upon your skills.

HUMAN LEARNING HUMAN RELATING

Attending is the necessary precondition of helping. To experience its critical nature, turn away from others in your presence; then ask yourself, “Am I communicating interest in the others?” A more important question follows: “How do I learn about others or from others?” As you gradually turn back toward the others, you will learn about them. You will learn primarily by what you see and what you hear.

Attending skills posture the helper to see and hear the helpees. These skills involve preparing for attending, attending personally, observing and listening. Attending skills serve to involve the helpees in the helping process. When the helper is fully attentive, the helpees too may become fully attentive and engaged in the helping process.

ATTENDING INVOLVES THE HELPEE