6

Initiating Change

Those who manipulate see an opening as a way to mislead someone into engaging in a conversation.

Those who influence see an opening as a way to determine if there are mutual benefits in engaging in a conversation.

As the shampoo commercial states, “You only have one chance to make a first impression.” When preparing for a critical conversation that involves the influence of another person’s opinion or behavior, that “one chance” usually boils down to about forty-five seconds. These are precious seconds and should be handled as carefully as possible.

When I think of an opening, I think of it as a topic sentence. A topic sentence is intended to serve as an overview of the paper you are writing. Your opening should act like an overview of the conversation you are about to have.

The opening tactics I will be showing you are flexible and can be applied to the opening of any conversation, regardless of your relationship with those with whom you are communicating. The verbiage will change, but the process will not. Personally, I think the most difficult conversation to initiate is one with someone who doesn’t know you very well, so, to make my point, this chapter will focus there.

Be warned: It is not easy to initiate a frank conversation that will ultimately require the change of behavior in another individual. There is no “magic pill” here, but rather a set of actions, which, if adhered to carefully, should maximize your chances of having a conversation. This, in turn, will allow you the best opportunity to influence another.

Let’s face it. If you can’t get past the opening, you won’t have much use for everything we’ve covered thus far. Let me show you the simplest approach I know to get people to allow you to peer into their lives.

Initiating Change

Background: You’ve been married for ten years. There was a time when you used to talk, but the first child came, and then the second. After that there were a couple of promotions, two cars, and a mortgage. Now, a decade later, you and your spouse seem to be sharing separate lives.

The Tactic: You want to open up a conversation, but you want to proceed cautiously. This has never been an easy conversation between the two of you.

Step 1: The introduction

This first step is rather basic. It is not exactly rocket science to tell a person who you are and what organization you represent. This is obviously not necessary in a close relationship or with someone we know well, but with those we do not know well, this step can be a little tricky.

How much do you want the other person to know? Perhaps you are the largest dealership in the area. You could make this a part of your introduction. Perhaps you are experienced in the topic you are about to discuss. This would certainly contribute to your credibility. My suggestion is to tread lightly, providing just enough information to create credibility, but not too much information so as to overwhelm the other person. Remember this important rule:

The most powerful benefits are the ones people discover on their own.

The key is this: It is more advantageous for you not to tip your hand as to your solution within your opening. In some situations, this cannot be helped, but even in a worst-case scenario, take it easy with going into detail about how wonderful your solution or your company is. The art of influence involves drawing others to your solution, and making that solution their own. For the sake of this case study between a married couple, no example is necessary. However, if you are applying the principles of this book to those who do not know you, a simple who you are, and where you are from should do fine.

Step 2: The hook

Remember, if someone can’t wait to have a conversation with you, the opening will not be as critical as I seem to be making it, but if you are trying to initiate a conversation involving a sensitive subject, or a conversation with someone who barely knows you, this is the most important step you will learn in the opening. At its deepest level, the hook provides an answer to a critical question that most of us have on our minds. It provides a WIFM, which stands for “what’s in it for me?” This little acronym, in my opinion, requires a great deal of skill and attention.

To better explain the hook, let me offer a quick lesson in human psychology. The simple truth is that most people in this world are motivated by greed. Now this statement comes from yours truly, one of the most optimistic people you will ever meet.

Ask yourself why you bought this book. Did you feel sorry for the book? I’m assuming you bought this book because you felt you could learn some ideas relating to the act of changing another person’s mind by using influence instead of manipulation. I think you did that because you believed this would help you become more successful. Your definition of success may have little to do with money, but may, in fact, relate to happiness, personal satisfaction, or simply bettering yourself. I don’t want to burst your bubble, but I would call that greed.

Is greed a bad thing? Actually, it is just the opposite. You see, once you understand that most people desire to be more successful, you also begin to realize how much easier they are to influence. Consider these two different scenarios relating to a person whose mind you want to change.

SCENARIO ONE

This first person could care less about his own personal success or failure. What’s more, he’s not particularly concerned with his own health or his family responsibilities. What exactly would be in it for him, to consider change? You might find him easy to meet, but to initiate change, let alone change his mind, might be extremely difficult. There’s nothing in it for him even to consider change.

SCENARIO TWO

This second person is much different. This person has a driven desire for success. Her family is precious to her as is her relationship with her husband. Furthermore, she is well aware that her personal health is vital to protect all that she loves. She may not be the easiest person to meet with, but if you can connect what you want to talk about to what’s in it for her, your chances are good that she’ll sit down and talk with you.

Which person would you rather meet when attempting to initiate change? Greed really isn’t a bad thing at all, now, is it?

The Hook

The Need: You want to get your spouse to sit down and calmly discuss your relationship; not typically an easy topic for your spouse.

The Tactic: You want to use the hook to get him to sit down and have a sincere and open conversation regarding your relationship.

The Examples: “Pat, I really want to sit down and talk about something that’s not just important to me, but that will make our relationship stronger as well.”

The challenge of writing an effective hook is to provide just enough information without giving away too much information. Enticing someone with a well-worded hook sometimes requires a rather creative balancing act.

It is really not a question of good or bad luck for most people who successfully initiate a conversation. It is often a question of appealing to someone’s desire to be more successful. Try to figure out what would be an effective hook for the person you are looking to persuade, and see if this doesn’t contribute mightily to getting that conversation started.

Step 3: The process

Imagine, if you will, that you are about to be approached by someone who you suspect is going to try to convince you to do something you don’t really want to do. Your stomach starts to churn as you prepare for what is sure to be a lecture. Oh boy, you know just how this conversation is going to go.

When we are put into a position that requires the influence of another, we are guilty until proven innocent. If the last conversation you had was with someone who had no interest in listening to you, or asked you no questions, or dumped a solution on the table with a dozen boring reasons as to why it would benefit you, it would only be natural for you to assume the worst.

Therefore, if the the hook is the most critical step of the opening tactic, the process is certainly a strong second. People need to know up front, in the first forty-five seconds, how you intend to proceed, and that is the exact intent of the the process for your opening.

Telling someone up front that you intend to listen to her and ask questions sets a completely different tone from what most people are accustomed to. Why would you want to keep this a secret? Here is an example of the process step within an initial conversation.

The Process

The Need: You don’t want to sit and beg your spouse to make changes in your relationship. You want to use questions that will allow him to arrive at this decision, and own it.

The Tactic: Because you frequently dictated the changes you wanted your spouse to make in previous conversations, these talks did not go well. This time you want him to understand not just what you want to talk about, but how you would like to talk about it.

The Examples: “I don’t want to tell you what to do, Pat. I simply want to talk about it, and that means I need to ask questions and listen.”

You are in control of the process. If you intend to take notes, and if you want to demonstrate visually that you intend to listen to someone, all you need to do is ask.

Guilty until proven innocent? Fine. Clear the air up front and let others know exactly how you intend to proceed. This will eliminate many unspoken objections and prepare all involved for an intelligent and productive conversation.

Step 4: The time

This final step is intended to provide an exact sense of how long the conversation will take. It is simple and fast but controversial. Allow me to present two views to you.

One argument is to eliminate this step completely. Why lock yourself into a specific time constraint when you could potentially be shortening your own conversation? It is a simple question that raises a very good point. Often you will be eliminating your own chances for a longer, more comprehensive conversation. Argument made and understood.

The other side of the argument is even more basic, however. If you were to eliminate time, you would be forced to say things like, “Can I have a few minutes of your time?” Remember, the process step that preceded this step makes the point that we are guilty until proven innocent. With this in mind, you must ask yourself, What does “a few minutes” really mean from someone who is going to try to change your mind? “I need a few minutes” is often answered with a roll of the eyes and a quick excuse as to why this isn’t a good time to talk.

The Time

The Need: You are trying to demonstrate that this conversation will not be an endless emotional appeal, but rather a sincere, and controlled, conversation.

The Tactic: You want to be proactive and put the issue of time on the table.

The Example: “All I want is fifteen minutes of your time, to have this conversation.”

One quick word of warning: You must stick to whatever amount of time you establish. I know that’s tough, and exceeding those fifteen minutes in this particular case might not be the end of the world. But consider this: You made a deal. You made a deal regarding time, so in a sense, you made a promise. If you want that spouse to trust you and take your conversations seriously, you must keep your promise. With a game plan that involves a whole lot more than pleading for someone to change, you may be surprised at how quickly those fifteen minutes can pass. But regardless of how far you get, a promise is a promise.

For conversations with clients and people you have never met before, this might be the first promise you have ever made. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you broke the first promise you ever made?

That said, I see no harm in telling someone, “I promised you that our conversation would last no longer than fifteen minutes, and I want to keep that promise. Would you like to continue this conversation or pick another time when we can meet again to discuss this?” If you are controlling the conversation with your questions, and moving through tactics that are creating both trust and urgency, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how many people will surprise you with a desire to continue the conversation.

The bottom line is this: If you can’t get a conversation started, nothing else matters. I am not thrilled having to shorten my time either, but for the more difficult conversations, the most important task of all is to get the person you want to influence to agree to meet with you.

WRITE IT OUT

I have never been a fan of scripts; for the most part, they are too constricting. But let me offer an exception to the rule. A lot is riding on the first forty-five seconds of your opening tactic; this is not the time to have to search for your words. Write out your opening and then wordsmith it and practice it. Take a few minutes to choose your words carefully.

I don’t recommend taking the paper with those words on it with you into the conversation you are about to have, nor do I recommend memorizing them, exactly. I recommend writing out what you want to say, and practicing it until you’re comfortable and natural saying it. If this is a type of conversation you will be having frequently, write out three or four of these openings. This way you’ll have a store of phrases you can draw on, and no two openings will sound exactly the same.

AN OPENING FOR ALL OCCASIONS?

There are all kinds of different conversations that involve change, and each can require its own opening. Up until now I’ve been highlighting an opening to initiate a conversation with someone you have never spoken to before, or broaching a topic you have not spoken about before. Interestingly, the process doesn’t really change, but the words do.

For instance, let’s say you’ve had a successful conversation with an individual whose mind did change, and an agreement was made to meet at another time to monitor the progress that you’ve made. Which part of the opening should we drop out?

The introduction? How many times have you met with an individual a second time and not remembered his name, so that you responded to his warm greeting with a resounding, “Hey there, uh … buddy!” We’re not referring to a close family member in this instance. In business, it never hurts to extend your hand, throw out your name, and slide that card across the table. This action often prompts your client to remind you of his name, which you can then use, to personalize the conversation. So whatever else you do, be sure not to leave sharing your name again out of the conversation.

The hook? What exactly could be the harm in spending a moment explaining to someone the value of meeting again, and monitoring the progress that has been made? If someone was motivated to meet again, I don’t think this would discourage her. If she was not motivated to meet again, being reminded of the value of meeting again is not likely to demotivate her. It seems rather obvious, doesn’t it, and yet about 90 percent of individuals I’ve observed in meetings ignore this step thinking it isn’t necessary. I think we better keep the hook right where it is.

The process? The same rules apply here. Who wants to sit down in a meeting with another individual having no idea what you really want to do in that meeting? It’s a common courtesy to remind someone exactly what you want to accomplish in a meeting, regardless of where this meeting takes place in the decision cycle. When influencing another person initially the process may be to ask questions and listen, while later in the decision cycle the process may be to explain a solution, or to monitor progress. The words may change, but the act of explaining what will be done in that meeting will not. Nope, I think we better keep the process here, too.

The time? It’s a polite thing to do, and quite frankly I don’t care where you are in the decision cycle, many people appreciate it. It stays.

So you see, no matter where you are in the decision cycle, the components remain the same. The words within each stage change, and your success or failure may not weigh quite as heavily as that initial opening, but it would be a mistake to ignore the steps because you are planning a comfortable conversation.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

I can’t stress enough the importance of a solid tactic to assist you when you need to win those first forty-five seconds and enter into a conversation that requires the changing of another person’s mind. The tactic I’ve outlined represents the best approach possible to begin to initiate change, but, that said, some pretty stubborn situations still require you to dig down a little deeper. In fact, those first forty-five seconds might need to be trimmed even tighter leaving you to struggle with the first few words.

THE FIRST FOUR WORDS

Sometimes when attempting to change another person’s mind, the conversation can be a challenging one, and both parties know it! Even getting started in those first forty-five seconds can be a little tough. In this case one of the most difficult tasks may very well be finding an effective transition to the opening itself. I’ve always been a fan of asking for help.

How many times have you sat across from another individual desperately looking for an opportunity to move the conversation in a more challenging direction? Sometimes we wait for an opportunity that will never come. I think you can make this move in a proactive way by using these four simple words.

“I need your help.” By beginning your discussion this way, you reduce the feeling of a straight confrontation. In addition, you begin to set the stage for a frank conversation. Finally, taking the element of chance out of the picture, and learning these four words will reduce your anxiety in having the conversation altogether. When there’s a lot on the line, I’ll take preparation over chance in a heartbeat.

VALUE, NO VALUE

Many salespeople find one of the more difficult challenges to be setting the expectations within a meeting. Often the intentions are so subtle, and the transition to business so difficult, that the results are mixed.

When attempting to engage someone in a conversation that involves change, you must often battle a silent objection to value. If the person you want to speak with perceives no value in having a conversation with you, he may lob endless excuses your way. Rather than hope this doesn’t occur, or kick the dirt if it does, let’s figure a proactive move around it.

I recommend giving a choice to the other person. In fact, I think we should give him two potential outcomes.

“I don’t want to tell you what to do, John. I simply want to talk about it, and that means I need to ask questions and listen.”

Those choices that follow would sound something like this:

“At the end of our conversation, you will either find value in what we’ve talked about, or you won’t. If you don’t find any value, I ask only that you feel comfortable telling me so. I don’t want to waste either of our time going over solutions that hold no value to you. Does that sound fair?

On the other hand, if you do find value, and the conversation we are having does make sense, I ask that you… Fair enough?”

On the other hand, if you do find value, and the conversation we are having does make sense, I ask that you truly consider the issues, and we plan a time when we can sit down and talk further about this. Fair enough?

This is a strong tactic because it provides a way out for the person you are trying to communicate with, a reassurance that this conversation will in fact have an ending. I don’t recommend this tactic for every conversation, but when you know that getting someone even to sit down and talk with you will be a challenge, this tactic can be extremely effective.

When All Else Fails

I very much enjoy working with wholesalers from the mutual fund industry. These salespeople, among other prospecting activities, frequently move unannounced through the hallways of financial institutions, quickly trying to set up meetings with brokers. The brokers can be a little cantankerous, and are not always receptive to uninvited “drive-by sales calls.”

One day, while working for a mutual fund company in the Midwest, one of my wholesaler students asked me a rather interesting question. He wanted to know if I thought a technique he was using was okay. The question, and tactic, went something like this:

Mr. Jolles, when I go through the hallways knocking on doors, it seems that the toughest offices to get an appointment with are the big brokers. Often, before I can even get a word out I’m told, “Move on! I’m not interested in talking with any wholesalers!” I respond this way: “Fair enough. Please allow me simply to double-check the contact information I have for you, so I can call my home office and make sure we no longer bother you with any information from our company.”

When I asked him what the response was to this exchange he said, “About 99 percent of the time I hear, ‘I didn’t tell you I don’t want any information from your company. I just have no time to meet with you now!’ I then ask them when a good time to contact them might be, and more often than not I set an appointment on the spot.”

Clearly, you have to have the right personality to launch into a tactic like that, but I can’t argue with this tactic’s success. We’re very close to that manipulation line here, so I’d be careful with a tactic like this, but let’s put this exercise through the litmus test regarding influence and manipulation. Is this client better off getting information from this wholesaler, and will the lack of information he has to distribute be a detriment to the client in the long run? I say this tactic stays on the influence side of things, but it is awfully close to that line.

WATCH OUT FOR THOSE BUZZWORDS

Many people create openings with good intentions but they find their success is not improving as dramatically as they would like. Believe it or not, often their lack of success can be tracked to a few harmless buzzwords they don’t even realize they’re using.

For example, when a salesperson says, “I want to tell you about … ,” it sounds like he is going to give a lecture to his customer. For an initial call, the salesperson should not “tell you” anything. I would prefer words like, “listen to you.”

Buzz Word	Replace With
Discuss	Ask
Tell you	Listen to you
Just a few minutes	Fifteen minutes
I need to talk to you	I need your help

Many view the way you begin a discussion as the most crucial part of any conversation. Depending on the scenario, they might be right. A well-thought-out, carefully planned, first forty-five seconds can sure help, a lot. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill. What I do offer, instead, is a sensible approach that provides you with the best opportunity to begin your conversation with an articulate, complete process.