5

Committing to Change

Those who manipulate believe the more you ask for a commitment, the greater your chances of success.

Those who influence believe you earn the right to ask for someone’s commitment.

So here we are—after methodically creating trust, we earned the right to enter into a conversation—to a guarded area many don’t allow us to enter. Once allowed in, we not only asked questions so as to identify this problem, we carefully, and empathetically, dug deeper. As a result, we allowed those who were feeling this pain to understand the true ramifications of their actions, and thus we created urgency. Take a deep breath, because you’re on the cusp of applying influence and changing another person’s mind. Did you miss it? Take a look at the definition that appears in the first chapter of this book.

At its core, when you are applying influence and changing another person’s mind, you are taking an idea, planting that idea in the other person’s brain, and making the person feel as if he or she thought of it.

People don’t just show up ready to put a patch on their arm to stop a cigarette habit that has consumed them for a lifetime. Let me take a moment and connect the dots for you.

In the decision cycle you learned that the problem shapes the need. A cigarette smoker doesn’t wake up, yawn, and announce he’s kicking the habit. When someone experiences a problem keeping up with his children on the playground, or with his friends in a pick-up basketball game, he starts asking about suggestions to kick the habit.

When you learned about the key elements of trust, among other things, you learned to aim your questions and begin with the end in mind. That means entering into conversations about problems we know we can solve. In the smoker’s case, it means asking about the physical activity that he is currently engaged in.

When you learned the blueprint for changing minds, you learned how to take these issues that may appear to be mildly annoying to another person, and to go deeper. That means asking developing probes that track the problem further, and impact probes that allow those we are attempting to influence see the ultimate consequences of their actions. You learned to create urgency.

At this point in the conversation, needs are beginning to appear in the other person’s mind, and you have been anything but a passive observer in this process! You have been instrumental in influencing the need that is appearing in that other person’s mind. What’s more, because we have these conversations around issues we know can influence, these developing needs have occurred naturally around the particular strengths we’ve been aiming at all along. The other person is about to cross a critical decision point: a decision for change.

Is what I’ve just described influence, or manipulation? Once again, let’s use intent as our filter. We can wait for a spot on our loved one’s lung to appear, or we can have a conversation about it. I ask again, is what I’ve just described influence, or manipulation? I proudly and without hesitation stand on the side of influence.

This one decision point is a critical hurtle for us all, and one that many struggle with for a lifetime. Well, like watching the dawn of a new day, change is just about to occur.

The most important question that’s never asked

When it comes to asking for committing questions, we’ve heard them all:

“What’s it going to take to get you into this car today?”

“Is Tuesday good, or is Wednesday better?”

“Other than price, what would keep you from buying this toaster today?”

“If I could prove that our vacuum cleaner is better than any other on the market, would you buy one today?”

They’re all interesting questions, and each may actually have its own place in a particular conversation, but there’s one question that no one asks. Ironically, if you are trying to commit someone to the change she is contemplating, there could not be a more important question. The question is simply this: “Are you committed to making a change?”

There are a few other ways to ask this question including, “Is now a good time to look at some alternatives?” “Do you think it’s worthwhile looking at some alternatives?” and “Do you want to fix this or not?” If you want to take the temperature in a particular conversation, this question will let you know exactly where you stand.

Don’t think for a moment this question is coming from left field. Tracking that decision cycle once again provides the logic behind this question. Remember, coming out of the acknowledge stage, the first decision someone goes through, like crossing a line in the sand, is, “Do I want to make a change or not?” If you’ve worked your way through trust and urgency, you’ve moved with the person to this part of the cycle and earned the right to ask that question for him. “Are you ready to do something about this issue?”

If the answer you receive is no (quite frankly that answer is rather rare when you’ve taken the time and the trouble to ask the more difficult questions that create urgency), we’ll stop right there. It would be a waste of time to offer a solution to a problem someone has just admitted he still doesn’t want to fix. We’re not giving up yet because we can still tackle this as an objection later in this book. However, if the answer to the question is yes, congratulations, you’ve just changed someone’s mind, and psychologically committed him to that change. Something tells me we’ll have a solution that will address the needs that are now appearing.

We’ve finally arrived at the solution. How exciting! Strangely enough, I have little interest in the solution. Imagine that; we’ve finally arrived at a solution, and it’s almost irrelevant to me. Anyone can offer solutions. When you learn how to change minds, you learn that the struggle lies in trying to get another person to commit to solving the problem you want to solve. Ironically, when I conduct two-day workshops, I spend only about fifteen minutes on the actual solution. I spend the rest of the sixteen hours working on teaching the various tactics of influence, on getting people to commit to change, and on what to do after people have made that commitment. However, when you do discuss a solution, there are two pretty important words I’d like you to remember. Then we’ll go for the real close.

Two Taped Words

When I worked for Xerox as a sales trainer, like all the other sales trainers, I watched a lot of role-plays. Most classes I taught were two weeks long, and consisted of six students for every trainer. Every morning began with a filmed role-play that was followed by a coaching session with the trainer. There was a lot of pressure on these role-plays, so, to compensate for this, Xerox created small role-play rooms containing a desk, two chairs, and a camera. This allowed each role-play to be performed in relative privacy (that is, not counting the monitor in the classroom where the rest of the class sat and watched the role-play, but I digress).

I experimented with all sorts of things I could post in that role-play room to help students. I tried tacking up key words, inspirational sayings, and even a picture or two of beach scenes designed to be calming in nature. Then I finally arrived at two words that did the trick. I taped these two words to the desk so the person selling could see them throughout the role-play. The words were “you said.”

Those words were my reminder that we ask questions, listen, and let those we are communicating with paint their own picture. We work meticulously to allow the people we are communicating with to own the conversation we are having. It’s not about us; it’s about them. If we do this, when we get to the solution, we get to use the words “you said.”

The solutions we bring to the table are not coming from left field, and just in case the person sitting across from us needs a reminder, there’s nothing like saying, “Another reason I’m making this recommendation is that you said you were looking for a simple way to accomplish this goal. Let me tell you exactly how simple this is.”

The words “you said” have an amazing way of putting someone right back into the conversation. These words act as a reminder that the solution isn’t for you; it’s for her. Think for a moment the last time someone was talking to you and you heard the words “you said” inserted into the conversation. Assuming you did say it, that person sure got your attention!

At this point we’ve done an amazing job gaining a commitment to change, and offering a solution that addresses someone’s specific needs, but it’s not time to celebrate just yet. I’ve spent thirty years of my life watching this story unfold, and guess what can often happen next? Nothing. And the reason nothing often happens is that, although we’ve gained a commitment to change, and shown a logical solution, we never really close the deal. Well, let’s fix that right now!

The whole concept of asking for a true commitment from another brings with it many misunderstandings. The confusion runs deeps within industries that have dedicated personnel obsessed with selling and gaining commitment. I believe many, including me early on in my own career, are sometimes a little reluctant to challenge the old conventional methods of gaining commitment. So let’s start by offering a few facts and some rather strong opinions that should do away with some of these ridiculous old myths.

Myth 1. The more you ask someone to commit to a change, the greater your chances of success.

Interesting statement. So much has been written about the theory “more is better,” when it comes to gaining a commitment. It’s been said by many that the more you do this, the greater your chance of gaining that commitment. Sales teams for decades have preached “Always be closing” as a kind symbolic mantra. I have one small issue with this theory: It could not be further from the truth.

I suppose there was a time, when orange leisure suits roamed the earth, that this approach to gaining commitment might have worked. But if by chance it ever worked back then, it sure doesn’t work now. In fact, I believe constantly asking someone for a commitment can backfire.

One of my favorite studies, conducted by Xerox, took dead aim at this particular myth. The study found that when someone was asked for a commitment, and that request was followed by the answer “no,” the chances of gaining a commitment fell by 24 percent. Personally, I’m surprised it wasn’t even higher.

Why, you ask? A lot of it has to do with ego. No one wants to feel manipulated. A “no” is usually a “no,” particularly when there is an emotional issue on the table. In fact, I believe once we say no, there is a quiet chant running through our heads saying, “I said no, and I meant no, and I’m not letting some fast-talking, manipulative person change my mind!”

I just can’t get behind the notion that continuing to pound away by asking someone to commit to something, and believing the more you do this, the better your chances become, can ever really work. All you are doing, in this case, is forcing the person you are hoping to influence to dig his heels in even deeper.

Watch a good negotiator, and you’ll see more proof of a methodical approach to avoid backing anyone into a corner. Asking someone to commit over and over again simply hardens the position of the person whose mind you are trying to change. A lot of care needs to be taken when asking for a commitment, and it begins with being well aware of the fact that you won’t have multiple opportunities.

Myth 2. There are a thousand effective ways to gain a commitment, and each is good in its own way.

Why is it that so many of us believe that more is somehow better? There sure are a lot of books on the subject of gaining commitment, and most boast of the vast number of ways to do this. Again, many believe that there is somehow strength in numbers. I say that this is a myth and nothing more.

I have not only seen, but have been recruited many times to deliver, programs that teach only the skills involved in gaining commitment. The money is good, and the misguided audiences seem to show up. The problem for me is the ethics involved in teaching these ridiculous programs.

I mention ethics because the mere fact of obsessing on this final part of the process of influence demonstrates a lack of any persuasive skills whatsoever. You earn the right to ask a person to commit to change. Why in the world would you want to spend an entire day learning the “tricks” of how to ask someone to change? I would rather spend an entire day learning a process and path to earn the right to ask someone that question.

The Trainer Who Went to the Dark Side

Back in the mid-1980s, while working with Xerox, one of my jobs was to supervise and teach every new sales trainer the company hired. We had a reputation for some of the finest sales training and trainers in the industry, and I was fiercely proud of my contribution.

We achieved our reputation because we broke every part of the selling process down to a series of tactics. These tactics would ultimately lead a seller to an actual close. In a typical two-week program, we spent about nine days teaching a student how to get to the close, and about ten minutes on the actual close.

Everything was first rate, even the facility where we taught. Xerox Document University (XDU) and its 2.4 million square feet of office space, sat on 2,400 acres, housed more than 1,000 students, and was state-of-the-art from top to bottom. We were considered the “Green Berets” of sales trainers and that reputation was both a blessing and a curse. Hiring companies and headhunters were always lurking, trying to lure one of our sales trainers away from our company.

During my time as supervisor, I lost only one sales trainer to another company. This sales trainer left Xerox to teach one-day closing seminars across the country. His loss was a double blow to me, and I took it personally. It was bad enough to lose a high-level performer in whom we had invested a lot of time and energy, but losing him to teach closing seminars? I would have preferred he go sell for another company, or manage for another company, but teaching one-day closing seminars? It went against everything I was taught to believe in.

I took the loss of this person personally. You earn the right to ask someone to commit to a change. When you use the skills that are necessary to influence change, there are many steps involved. Asking for a commitment is the easy part; earning the right to ask for that commitment is the hard part. That’s where the work, study, and elbow grease come in. We at Xerox laughed at these other programs and looked down our noses at those who taught them. Now, under my watch, we were losing one of our own; it bothered me then, and it bothers me to this day.

I don’t know whatever happened to that Xerox sales trainer, and I honestly don’t even remember his name because from that day on I have simply referred to this person as the “trainer who went to the dark side.” My guess is that after the closing seminars dried up, he spent some time teaching one more one-day program on objection-handling skills. When all you do is hammer people with closing tactics, you better be well versed in objection-handling skills!

Look closely at this snake oil that is being peddled, and what you will really find are a couple of legitimate tactics sandwiched within a number of approaches that look more like con games than commitments.

There is no need to obsess on this stage of the process, and there are not a thousand ways to gain commitment. There are more like four, and I’ll show you one that should make this final step to influence a whole lot easier.

Myth 3. You don’t really need to ask for a commitment to gain a commitment.

Hmm. Just imagine.…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, because you’ve learned the lesson taught in this book, you will no longer have to ask someone to commit to anything! Now that you’ve learned how to change minds, on their own, and with no prompting from you, people will commit in droves to whatever you wish!

Asking a person for his or her commitment is not only a natural part of the persuasive process, it’s a necessary part of the process. It is ludicrous to risk all the work you have put into influence in the search for vague “persuasive signals.” No, there’s one true way to find out if another person is committed to change, and that’s to ask.

Myth 4. There’s only one thing worth gaining a commitment to, and that’s a commitment to change.

If I agreed to that one, I would shoot down any credibility I might have established. It is just not true. When seeking a commitment, the goal is to search for the highest realistic level of commitment.

This is not to suggest that this highest realistic level of commitment might not be a little more creative than you are accustomed to. It seems that often the commitments we seek are just not as black and white as we would hope for. This book outlines numerous scenarios that require the skills of influence to help you change minds. You can help a loved one realize that smoking is unhealthy, change a friend’s outlook on his risk-taking behavior, help a client see the long-term effects of treating her financial planning as a hobby, improve a child’s homework habits—the list goes on.

Even when adhering to all the tactics you’ve learned about when influencing behavior, flexibility can be one of your strongest weapons. Sometimes the commitment you may be seeking will be achieved by taking smaller steps. The goal is to achieve the highest, most realistic level of commitment.

THE SUMMARY COMMITMENT

Now put the myths behind you and prepare yourself for a simple, four-step approach to asking for a commitment. I have chosen this approach because, as you will see, it is a natural fit to finish off the process you have learned, and there is a lot of room for personalization.

The Summary Commitment

Background: Homework time has never been the most pleasant time in your house, but lately it has become a huge source of stress for you and your child. Intimidation didn’t work, and neither did punishment. As a matter of fact, it created even greater tension in the family, and an even greater disdain for homework as a whole. Fortunately, you’ve committed to learning how to change minds, and after following the processes we’ve outlined, you have successfully led your child to buy into a solution, and there are hugs all around.

The Tactic: Now comes perhaps the most important step of all, and that’s not only gaining a commitment to change, but making sure that the commitments are kept. You’re so close to change you can practically taste it!

Step 1: Confirm benefits

The first step of the summary commitment involves one last check with the person you are trying to persuade. Most people do not understand just how powerful this last check can be. Let me show you what I mean. Read the next statement, stop, and without reading any further, try to anticipate what the next step of this process would be.

Don’t you agree that by doing your homework, you are going to see the results you said you were looking for?

Okay, now what do you think my next question will be if the answer received is yes. I believe most people will assume a question requiring a commitment is sure to follow, and, in my humble opinion, that’s the genius of this first step. No one would dare answer yes to that question if he did not intend to go ahead with a solution.

Uh, yes it does everything I want it to do, but, uh, no, I don’t want to change.

That, my friends, happens to be the biggest strength of the summary commitment. In a sense, confirming benefits provides a trial close to your conversation. If there is an objection, the person you are seeking a commitment from will push back right here. It does not make me happy to hear a “no” at this point of the conversation, but so be it. At least you won’t be battling an ego as well as the objection. Remember, you have not asked for a commitment, nor have you backed anyone into a corner. You merely asked if the solution talked about was an appropriate one. If it wasn’t, we’ll clarify the issue, move to our objection tactics, and give it our best shot.

If the answer is yes, then we’ll smile. Why would you hesitate now? There are never guarantees, but I would feel pretty confident at this point and would consider the chances of gaining a solid commitment extremely high.

Confirm Benefits

The Need: You have created trust, urgency, and put forth a solution that lines up with the problems you are helping your child solve.

The Tactic: You want to transition and gain a true commitment from your child.

The Examples: “Don’t you agree that by doing your homework, you are going to see the results you said you were looking for?”

~Or~

“Wouldn’t you agree the solution we’ve come up with will not only improve your grades, but will make things a lot easier for you down the road?”

What most people do not realize about confirming benefits is that by asking this first question, you are actually taking the temperature of the situation. That summary packs quite a psychological punch!

Step 2: Ask for a commitment

Well, what do you know? At last, it’s time to ask for the final commitment. It’s amazing how easy gaining a commitment really is when you’ve earned your right to ask the question. As I mentioned before, your strategy here should be to aim for the highest realistic level of commitment.

But how do you ask for a commitment? What words do you use? My recommendation would be to do it as simply as possible. This is a natural step, and the person you are influencing expects you to ask, so do it!

I’m always surprised when I work with people who persuade for a living; it seems that few of them have a favorite way of asking this question. I’m not a person who is very fond of canned or scripted responses, but I would recommend that you not search for your words here. There’s a lot on the line, and you don’t want your words, tone, or even facial expressions to betray you.

THINK IT OUT

Salespeople are a curious lot. Sit down with a few hearty souls who have made a living in this profession, and you’ll pick up on all sorts of idiosyncrasies. Many will have a favorite place to meet clients, a favorite time of day to call clients, and even a favorite pen to use when they are trying to ink a deal and gain a commitment. With all these favorite moves and quirks, I’m always surprised, when I ask if they have a favorite way to ask a person for a commitment, that the answer is no.

It surprises me because there’s a lot on the line here, and I have no idea why anyone would want to be searching for words here. Imagine how you would feel if you were on the doorstep of making a decision for change, struggling with the fear that goes along with it, and you heard this: “Don’t you agree that by doing your homework, you are going to see the results you said you were looking for?” So far, so good, and let’s assume the answer was yes. It’s the next question that concerns me.

“Great, then I’d like, I mean do you think, well, uh, what I’m trying to say is, uh, will you do it?” Imagine being on the receiving end of that mess! Even if you had been on the verge of committing to making a change of some sort, I’m pretty sure you’d be backing out now.

There is a lot at stake here, and you’ve worked too hard to present an unsure side of yourself to the person you are influencing. If you’re unsure of the solution you are asking someone to commit to, you can be sure she will be, too.

Remember, the summary commitment merely provides a structure that you can use with your favorite technique. There are many techniques used in asking customers for commitment in the business world; these same techniques can easily be applied to situations you face every day. Realistically, there are about a dozen legitimate approaches possible. Below are my four favorites.

Ask for a Commitment

The Need: You have confirmed that the solution you’ve proposed does in fact address your child’s needs.

The Tactic: You want to seek the highest, realistic level of commitment you can from the person you are communicating with.

The Examples:

Assumptive: “When would you like to get started?”

If/then: “If we start with ______, then we can move to _______.”

Alternate: “Would you like to start with just math, or would you prefer we approach your other classes this way too?”

Direct: “I’d love for you to get started with this today.”

Once you understand what your highest realistic level of commitment is, you’ll be in a better position to tailor your approach and the words you choose around that commitment.

Step 3: Discuss logistics

With a commitment in hand, you must stay focused and finish strong. The only thing left is to work out the logistics to implement the commitment that has been made. I have seen months of strategy go down the drain for lack of a proper follow-up after a verbal commitment was obtained.

Having conducted seminars for over thirty years, sometimes I feel like I’ve heard just about every question when it comes to teaching audiences how to change minds. Want to know one of the most frequently asked questions? “What’s the most forgotten step of the process?” That’s an easy one; it’s forgetting to go over what happens after someone agrees to a change. The repercussions are serious because without this conversation, guess what often happens after someone agrees to change? We have good intentions to change, but buyer’s remorse kicks in, a touch of fear of change joins the mix, and nothing happens.

There is a sense of euphoria that sweeps into the conversation when change is promised, and the actual logistics are often left behind. These logistics should not consist of your dictating the next moves, but rather a give-and-take regarding the next moves to be made. It’s critical that you remain focused and continue along the path of influence.

Discuss Logistics

The Need: You want to build a path from agreement to action without getting lost in the excitement of an agreement.

The Tactic: A careful conversation regarding what happens next.

The Example: “That’s great! So where do we go from here?”

~Or~

“Fantastic. I’ll help set up the study environment you discussed, and I’ll make sure everything is in place from this end. Then how about we sit down a week from today, double back, and see how things are going?”

If this doesn’t persuade you, perhaps I should remind you of what comes next in the decision cycle of those you are influencing; it’s the dreaded buyer’s remorse! The smoother and better thought out you are here, the greater chance you have not just to change someone’s mind, but to maintain the commitment you’ve earned.

Step 4: Reassure

Gaining a commitment from someone who is truly looking to make a change can be emotional. I have to admit that, although I felt it was a good idea to reassure the people I wanted to influence, I didn’t add the reassure step to the process until years after I began teaching my methods. I’m not sure if it was that I just assumed most people did it, or that I had a blind spot. However, I’ve seen so many shaky decisions get reversed over the years by people who talked themselves out of commitments that I won’t leave it out again.

The Most Forgotten Step in Closing

After teaching sales to many clients over decades of delivery, I think one of my favorite seminars was the hostage negotiation seminar I conducted in Baltimore twenty-two years ago. It was an exhilarating experience as I connected the world of selling to the world of hostage negotiation. My audience was receptive and engaged, but the presentation turned on a dime when I approached the concept of comforting those we are gaining commitments from.

I casually mentioned reassurance, and that I liked to reassure the person I’ve gained a commitment from. I never before placed that step in my materials, nor had I ever really pushed that hard for others to do this. I could hear my New York Life manager telling me, “Jolles, once you’ve made the sale, get out of the house!” The thinking was, if you had a commitment, any further conversation could only lead to disrupting the agreement you had already achieved. In the situation with the hostage negotiators, however, I felt that the risk of a buyer’s remorse was worth the risk of throwing in a few comforting and reassuring words.

I guess you could say this was a hunch of mine, and the response was clear with one, dramatic story from a participant in the audience. Once I finished throwing out this final idea, a participant walked up to the microphone and began to speak.

Mr. Jolles, I happen to agree with your suggestion. Two months ago, I was on the phone communicating with an individual for almost forty hours. After twenty hours, I got the children out of the house. It took me ten more hours, and I got the wife out of the house. Ten hours later, I was able to reach an agreement to get the suspect out of the house. His last words to me were this: “I’m coming out, but not without my gun.” It was the best I could do, and my last words to him were “Just go slow.”

The suspect stepped out of the house onto the porch. I moved up the driveway slowly with the SWAT team by my side. The suspect looked out, he looked back, he looked out, he looked back. Then he blew his head off.

I had spent forty hours on the phone with this person and I can tell you that this was not the kind of person who intended to come out and put on a show. In an instant, he changed his mind. I will always wonder if I could have handled this differently. If the last words out of my mouth had been, “You are doing the right thing. I will be here every step of the way and everything I promised you will happen, I can assure you,” I wonder if I could have saved his life.

Needless to say, this was an emotional moment for everyone at the seminar. I swallowed hard, finished the seminar, and since that day I have never again referred to this step as optional in the closing process.

The message is clear: People who have changed their minds will reconsider and wonder about the decisions they’ve made, particularly when these decisions required significant change. People fear change. Rather than hope they don’t reconsider, give them something to think about when they do. Not if, but when, they reconsider, let them hear your voice in their minds telling them they made the right decision.

Reassure

The Need: You want to cement the commitment made with a careful statement that reassures your child.

The Tactic: A well-worded conclusion is needed.

The Example: “The hard part is behind us. Now comes the easy part, which is getting you up and on your way. I’ll be here every step of the way to help you in any way I can. I’m so glad we were able to have this talk.”

With the summary commitment now broken down for you into four manageable steps, I hope this portion of persuasion no longer gives you unnecessary anxiety. Here are four additional things to watch out for so you can add polish to what I hope will be a stellar finish to your conversations.

1. Watch your tone. By tone, I am referring not just to “what” you are saying, but to “how” you are saying it. Up to now, I have only discussed the words involved in gaining a commitment. There are a lot of emotions involved in changing someone’s behavior, so the way you say things goes a long way to making this an easier process.

2. Watch your face. You have lined up your words, and your tone supports your words, but you must be on top of your facial expressions. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy. My suggestion is, be in the moment. If you are feeling understanding, be understanding. If you look unsure, those you are conversing with will feel unsure. If you look confident, others will feel confident.

3. Watch your finish. Another pitfall to avoid involves how you finish your conversation. When you ask someone for commitment, make sure your words are short and to the point. Remember, you have just finished a rather lengthy conversation. Therefore, there is certainly no need to go over a list of long-winded explanations once again. You’ve made your case, you’ve gained your commitment; don’t linger!

4. Watch your transition. You might be surprised by what gives most people difficulty in asking someone for a commitment. Over and over again, it’s the transition to the commitment that trips people up. In a sense, we flounder about, hoping a moment will just magically present itself, the sea will part, and the moment will be there for us! I say, let’s stop waiting, and let’s create our own moment instead. My suggestion is to move into that commitment with three simple words: “Don’t you agree?”

There is no real secret to gaining a commitment, nor need for you to obsess about it. Earning the right to ask someone for a commitment by logically walking in someone else’s shoes and following that person’s decision cycle should provide you with all the confidence you need. Now all we have to do is figure out how to get this conversation started.