4

The Blueprint for Changing Minds

Those who manipulate put their faith in the right argument.

Those who influence put their faith in the right question.

Influence may begin with trust, but it can go nowhere without urgency. To learn the art of influence, you must learn the art of urgency. Remember that fifteen years of research tells us that eight out of ten people are aware they have an issue but they just don’t want to do anything about it. Well, I’m only allowed to say this once, so I’ll say it now: If you master any techniques from this book, master the techniques taught in this chapter. Clearly, I’m setting you up for the most important part of the process here, and yet, as important as I feel these tactics are, that doesn’t mean these tactics don’t elicit some emotional feelings. If ever there was a spotlight on the precarious line between influence and manipulation, it sits right here.

Please Welcome … the Scab Picker

Some years ago I was sitting in a green room, getting ready to speak at a financial conference. Another speaker was on stage, and he began to speak less than glowingly about me. Then I heard these immortal words: “Today we’re going to hear from someone I call a scab picker—a man who believes that you must continue to ask people about their pain!” A few minutes later I took to the stage, grabbed the microphone, and introduced myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rob Jolles, and I am a scab picker. I consider the greatest act of compassion one human being can extend to another is to move someone past fear of change, and help him or her avoid the tragedy of procrastination. I do this through the act of questioning, to create a sense of urgency in an empathetic, and honest, manner. And I’m proud of it.

If people are so intelligent and know fully about their problems, how come they take so long to do anything about them?

We have come to a crossroad. Those who can move individuals from understanding they have a problem to actually wanting to do something about their problem can influence. Those who cannot may be successful at some things but will struggle when put in a position that requires the skills to influence. I may be a bit biased, but I’m not sure I can come up with a role in life that does not require some ability to influence. It is no coincidence that this part of learning the art of influencing without manipulation is the most challenging. However, if you need a little influence yourself, I believe learning to do this will serve you well for the rest of your life.

The Blueprint for Changing Minds

Background: You are a financial analyst who has met with a particular client twice now. Both meetings seemed to go well, but ended with, “Let me think about it.” Your client treats his financial planning more like a hobby than the potential life-changing event you feel it has the long-term potential to be. He has dreams of retirement and the responsibilities of three kids’ educations, yet he has met every solution you offer him with procrastination.

Change Needed: You want to get him over his fear of change, and create urgency regarding his financial picture. You know all too well that the path he is on, chasing stocks and following various fads, will end in disaster. Today you want to change his mind.

If you study this chapter carefully, and immediately try to practice what you have learned, you will succeed. When you learn to create trust, you learn to avoid problems at all costs. When you learn to create urgency, quite the opposite is true. You’ve earned the right to enter into a conversation about someone else’s problems. Now all you have to do is convince him or her to make a change.

Those who manipulate tell others about their problems.

Those who influence allow others to tell them about their problems.

There is a repeatable, predictable approach to creating urgency. It should come as no surprise that this process involves questions, lots of questions. As a matter of fact, it requires a sequence of questions that fit into three simple steps, which I’ll delineate now.

Step 1: Identify the problem

I refer to these questions as identifying probes because that’s what needs to happen first. Until someone understands or admits he or she has a particular problem, there is no logic in working to solve it. This can be difficult. Most people will resist admitting to others they have a problem—especially when they think that their problem is mild. If they do admit to having a problem, they often fear they will somehow have to commit themselves to doing something about it.

However, once there is trust, if there is a problem, people will not hesitate as much to admit it. The problem is, they often do not understand how severe the issue may be or has the potential to be. Many will not admit to the size of a problem simply because they have never sat down and carefully analyzed it.

Identifying Probes

The Need: You have created trust and need to have the person you are influencing acknowledge there is a potential problem.

The Tactic: You want to move from the trust-based questions you have used thus far to the problem-based questions found in the identifying probes.

The Examples: “What challenges have you experienced with some of the more aggressive moves you’ve made in the market?”

or

“What kinds of concerns do you have regarding the lack of time you have to fully investigate some of the decisions you have been making?”

Once again, it is critical for you to use open questions. You are beginning to tread on sacred ground here, and you definitely do not want to be perceived as pushy.

“I object, your Honor; leading the witness!”

If you ever want to see the two concepts—easing into identifying probes, and the importance of asking open questions—watch a good trial lawyer in action. This lawyer will not step up to cross-examine a witness by jumping directly into the issues at hand. She will strategically lay out many questions to ease into the issues. However, even after she’s into these issues, you won’t hear questions like, “Isn’t it a fact you were irresponsible?” or “Wouldn’t you agree that you were irresponsible and negligent?” Such questions will be met with a robust, “I object, your Honor! She’s leading the witness!”

An objection like this is often sustained, and the questions must be rephrased. “Mr. Johnson, would you please explain exactly what you did once you entered the house?”

The irony is the objecting lawyer is in fact helping the opponent by reminding her to open up her questions whereby a lot more information can be ascertained and a witness can wander into areas he or she had not been prepared to discuss if this happens.

If you can keep your questions open, there’s a good chance you’ll get the conversation started in the right direction. However, there’s another problem you must avoid, and that’s saying the word “problem.” People seem to really hate that word. Do you have a problem with that?

Here are some words that you can substitute for the word “problem”:

Concern

Difficulty

Dissatisfaction

Challenge

Barrier

Limitation

Obstacle

Trouble

Issue

These words will swap nicely for the word “problem” and allow you to get the person you are conversing with to identify or admit he or she has a problem. Sometimes, people need just one more little push.

Those who manipulate “push” a person through his statements, telling him about a problem that may exist.

Those who influence “push” a person through his questions, allowing that person to discover the potential of a problem that may exist.

This “little push” involves spelling out more of the problem than I would prefer, but sometimes it is necessary. Some people would rather not deal with a particular issue or problem until it actually occurs. It is not a reflection of stubbornness to procrastinate and avoid the thought of serious problems. It is human nature. The words you are looking for are, “What happens if … ?”

What Happens If … ?

The Need: You want to move the conversation to a problem that has the potential to occur.

The Examples: “What challenges have you experienced with some of the more aggressive moves you’ve made in the market?”

“None; I haven’t really been burned by any decision I’ve made up to this point.”

“What happens if one of these products does blow up on you?”

“Uh, well, that would be an issue because I’m counting on these funds, but, well, uh.…”

WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING

As a life insurance salesman, my phone rang exactly twice in close to three years of selling. The first time it rang I was thrilled! The second time it rang, I responded by asking, “What did the doctor tell you today?”

It doesn’t take a genius to apply influence to another who is looking for change whose what if has become a what is. It takes someone who is skilled in influence. You could certainly ask someone what concerns she has about her health, but don’t be surprised to hear, “I have no concerns; I’m as healthy as a horse!” That’s when a simple, “What happens if?” does the trick.

Now we have ourselves a problem to work with. Watch the temptation to overuse the phrase “What happens if?” because you don’t want all your questions to start sounding the same. The irony is that it’s often the what if that truly saves another individual.

The intent of learning to influence is to protect someone from what if, not what is.

Okay, so now we have identified a concern in the mind of the person we are looking to influence. Where do we go from here? Well, I can tell you where 99 percent of people in this same position would go from here. Right to a solution:

Client: Uh, well, that would be an issue because I’m counting on these funds, but, well, uh, I mean it isn’t my entire nest egg.

Financial Analyst: Well, if we work together, one of the first things I think you’ll appreciate is the asset allocation models that we use. What that does is allow us to balance your portfolio while at the same time key into market leaders who traditionally.…

And so on. This probably looks like a familiar conversation to you if you work in the financial industry. It may also look familiar to you if you work with professionals within this industry. It may be familiar, but I can assure you that it’s useless.

The real problem is that whatever is concerning the person you are looking to influence does not concern him or her enough. The enticement to launch into a solution tempts those who try to influence the way a mouse is tempted by cheese in a mousetrap. Neither scenario tends to end well.

In fact, attempting to provide a solution, or fixing someone’s problem here, often results in a lack of urgency by those being influenced. If there is an actual monetary price involved in the decision, it’s not uncommon for price to dominate our decision-making. However, the truth is, there is always a price to be paid for living with problems and not addressing them. The price paid in our financial example may be a life-changing experience for other family members involved, and a potential nasty spiral for a husband and wife. One final price to be paid when there is no urgency is for the possibility for change to be lost in a sea of procrastination. Fortunately, the next step of the process addresses this very point.

Step 2: Develop the problem

It is not easy, and not instinctive, and, sadly for many, any opportunity to influence is lost right here. Your temptation is to move on. To influence, you must stay put. You need to ask more questions—questions that go deeper. I refer to these questions as developing probes because, quite simply, you must develop the problem more. The way you develop a problem is to continue to ask questions about it.

Often, people do not want to talk much about their concerns. If I’m there to influence, I do. People will avoid thinking about the long-term effects a particular problem might have. If I’m there to influence, I won’t. People shy away from contemplating “what if.” If I’m there to influence, that is precisely what I will do! After a person has experienced a major problem, there is no longer a need for influence. It’s too late to help. Sadly, the only thing you can do now is help pick up the pieces.

The art of using developing probes boils down to this: You have to be more curious with those you are looking to influence. Once the problem has been defined, stop allowing those you are looking to influence to run away from it! Stay put. Stay curious.

Developing Probes

The Need: You have identified the problem with the person you are influencing. Now it’s time to study the problem further.

The Tactic: Developing probes are needed to get this person to see the size and scope of the problem.

“What challenges have you experienced with some of the more aggressive moves you’ve made in the market?”

The Examples: “How much have you lost up to this point?”

“What had you intended to use that money for?”

“And?”

Key words used in developing probes are not quite as simple to track as the other probes because the art of using developing probes requires extending the conversation and is not necessarily triggered by one specific word. Remember, you are simply trying to extend the conversation.

When in Doubt, Throw an “And?” Out

I learned a wonderful lesson from a student I was working with in Birmingham, Alabama, on how to use developing probes. After I completed the program, he offered me a lift to the airport, and during our drive, he shocked me with his simple lesson. He was quite courteous as he expressed his gratitude for what I had taught him and told me this story.

You know, before you came to town I used my own method. It’s probably not as good as yours, but it sure is easy. As a matter of fact, it has only one step to it. You see, when I’m in the bank and someone tells me they have a problem, I just say, “And?”

I am not saying the “And?” method is right for everyone, but it does have a place in my world of influence. If you are having difficulty using developing probes, you might want to remember our friend from Birmingham who used the simplest developing probe I’ve ever heard of. Here are some other words that might be of use from time to time:

React

Link

And

Respond

Relate

Tell me more

Feel

Think

Reply

We can wait for a problem to devastate someone, or we can have a conversation about it.

Make no mistake—these probes can be disturbing. In a sense, a problem exists symbolically as a wound exists. The more pain the wound creates, the closer a person is to doing something about it. If you want to influence behavior, I implore you not to rush in to put a Band-Aid on this wound. Avoiding the more difficult questions and telling someone what to do about his or her problem does just that.

To me, the art of influence can be compared with a good professional fight. (I’ll find a kinder, gentler analogy to work with in a moment, but stick with me for now.) Think about what happens in the first couple of rounds of a fight between two respectable fighters. As a fight fan, I can tell you in one word: nothing. In fight terms, the first round is often referred to as a “feeling-out round.” The idea is to study your opponent and to try to identify your best fighting strategy.

Consider what happens early on when you are attempting to influence. Your initial trust-based questions represent that feeling-out round. It also provides an opportunity to identify your best influencing strategy, providing a gauge regarding where to throw your punches—and how.

After a couple of rounds in a professional fight, it is not uncommon to hear a corner man tell his fighter, “It’s time to throw punches with bad intentions!” This tells the fighter basically to take what he has learned and fire some more meaningful punches, which will definitely get the opponent’s attention.

When you are attempting to influence another person, that is exactly what you are doing. It is time for you to throw your probes with bad intentions. That is where the initial identification probes come in. These questions are not as easy to answer, and often disturb the person you are looking to influence, but they will definitely grab the person’s attention.

Now, our boxers teach us another critical lesson. Think about what happens when a good boxer actually lands a solid blow and hurts the opponent. Sometimes, it even cuts the opponent a little bit. I have never heard a boxer say, “Gee, I’m sorry. I seem to have cut your eye a little bit. I’ll aim for the other eye.” I have never heard the boxer’s corner team working with the fighter who has landed the punch call out, “Leave him alone! Stay away from the cut!” In the fights I have seen what is communicated has been quite the opposite: “Stay on him! Don’t let him breathe! The cut! Go for the cut!”

When the person you are attempting to influence admits to a problem, you too must “go for the cut.” This is no time to be squeamish. Remember, you are frequently dealing with a person who has put off change, so she will wait and wait until the problem she has been avoiding blows up. Often, by then it is too late. If you believe in what you are influencing, you must not be afraid to ask the more difficult questions.

One of my mentors in learning how to influence was my dear friend Larry Domonkos. Larry once gave me this little pearl of wisdom as it relates to customers. He said, “Jolles, if they cry, they’ll buy!”

I know that I may have offended some of you who are reading this, but it goes to an important point that needs to be made, so hang in there. I can assure you that I fully intend to illustrate this point in a more positive light. However, before I do, let me take this point one step further in the final step of this process.

Step 3: Determine the impact of the problem

So here we are. The person you are looking to influence has seen his predicament methodically expanded using developing probes that better illustrate the potential, true size of the problem. Now it’s time for one last question.

These questions allow the person you are influencing to reflect on the big picture involving his problems. In short, the identifying probes allow someone to recognize he has a problem, the developing probes allow someone to understand the potential of the problem, and now the impact probes will allow someone to understand the ultimate consequences of the problem. Here are some key words to focus on when using impact probes:

Consequences

Impact

Ramifications

Repercussions

Results

Effects

Outcome

Backlash

Implication

You may find some of the questions I’m suggesting a little over the top. You have your own style and can adapt these questions, but don’t forget that until someone decides to “fix” an existing problem, whatever solution you have up your sleeve will be of little interest.

Those who manipulate passionately explain the impact of not acting on their recommendation.

Those who influence compassionately listen to another person explain in his or her own words the impact of not acting to solve an existing problem.

It can be painful to assist someone to look at the potential ramifications of his or her problems. I am empathetic to this dilemma. It is human nature just to roll the dice, so to speak, in hopes that our problems do not get worse. In reality, you have two basic choices when you try to influence behavior: You can either wait for a problem to explode, or you can have a discussion about the problem before it explodes. If you believe in the decision you are influencing another person to make, then you need to get your hands a bit dirty now and then.

It’s a stumbling block for all of us, but sometimes we have to ask questions that may cause pain. Instead of feeling bad about this immediate discomfort, you need to believe in something bigger.

IS IT MEAN, OR IS IT MERCIFUL?

There’s no sugarcoating it: The most challenging part of influencing is asking the more difficult questions. These are the questions that are sometimes referred to as “pain” questions. In the end, success or failure often comes down to one thing: Can you create pain without creating conflict?

I received an email from a former client I deeply respect. She wrote that she had just asked some of those “pain” questions to a client, successfully. The process of forcing her client to look at the most difficult aspects of his resistance to change, however, made her “feel a little mean.”

Those four words made me stop what I was doing, take a deep breath, and swallow hard. At that moment, I had to accept the fact that I had failed my client. I had failed to teach this person the most important lesson I could ever teach her. When you force someone to answer a difficult question—a question that makes another person feel the pain of not taking action, you are not being aggressive. You are, in fact, being empathetic.

I’ll go a step further. I firmly believe it’s one of the most sincere acts of kindness you can offer another human being. We’ve all seen people who are struggling at home or at work, and we want to help them. Anyone can come to the rescue with his or her wonderful ideas that dictate what the other person should do. It’s a comfortable conversation, but it never creates change. It’s the tougher road, but ultimately, the one that gets you to your destination.

It hurts to be asked where their children are when people are fighting with their spouse, but the answer can lead a couple to therapy. It hurts to be asked what impact not supporting a corporate directive could have on a new, starry-eyed manager, but the answer can save a career.

The process of influence isn’t ruled simply by a tactic. It must be accompanied by an emotion. That emotion is one of empathy. You have to believe in the tough questions you ask, and then you will succeed. You’ll succeed in the art of influence, and you’ll succeed because you are exemplifying the art of caring about another person. When you ask difficult questions, it is never out of meanness. Think of it as compassionate and possibly life changing. Once confronted with the tragedy so many endure because of their inability to make tough decisions on their own, you see that these questions are, in fact, merciful.

If you can cross this bridge, and believe, then in the end you’ll get to do what so many cannot: You’ll save things. You get to save both people and businesses, because the path you took required discipline and courage. The results you initiated changed another person’s life. You were the one who helped someone move past his or her fear of change, and into the future. Doing something like that is never mean. It’s quite the contrary. It’s merciful, and it is something to be profoundly proud of.

Never call another person’s baby ugly!

Make no mistake about it: There is a fine line between “helpful” and “obnoxious.” If you are not careful, you will find yourself telling the person you want to influence what his or her problem is. That would be the equivalent of calling someone’s baby ugly! The steps in this process, and the questions that support it, are designed to let the person you are influencing define his or her own problem. Wouldn’t leading someone to find his own solution through the use of your questions be a better alternative?

Think like a therapist

When’s the last time you went to a therapist? Having never been to one myself (he says, nervously), my guess is that with a good therapist you probably experienced many of the concepts we discuss in this book being played out in your sessions.

Let’s start with your first visit. A good therapist doesn’t typically open up the conversation with a handshake, a smile, and a hearty, “What seems to be your problem today?” That question has to be earned. That’s where the strategy of asking open questions, actively listening, aiming your questions, and avoiding problems come in. Adhering to this strategy establishes trust, and a good therapist will start right here, just like us.

Once trust is earned, a good therapist will gently begin to move toward the problem through his or her questions. There won’t be a lot of guesswork here because while earning trust, he or she is gathering information, and trying to identify the challenges you are struggling with, just like us.

Most importantly, however, good therapists begin to distinguish themselves when they don’t just successfully uncover the problem that has probably been told to many others before this visit. They distinguish themselves when they avoid the temptation to “fix it,” and instead ask more questions, seeking to help both of you better understand the problem, just like us.

The funny thing is, I’m willing to bet most good therapists have a pretty good idea of your problem before you even get comfortable in your seat. I suppose they could go ahead and address it, and tell you what to do about it, but do you really think that’s going to help you discover something you didn’t already know, or provide any real chance of bringing about a significant change in behavior? Of course not!

We don’t need to think of this process as some aggressive or mean-spirited conversation. We can think of it as a conversation we would have with someone we truly care about and want to help. We can think like a therapist. It’s a shame that so frequently we don’t.

Each and every question within these three steps, in its own way, serves to move an individual deeper into the problem. A great example of this point can be illustrated in a proverb called “For Want of a Nail.” Various versions of the proverb have appeared through the years, from Richard III of England all the way back in 1485, to Ben Franklin in 1758, to right here and now. I have carried this proverb with me for over twenty years because this poem represents exactly what I am attempting to teach you.

FOR WANT OF A NAIL

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.

For want of a shoe, the horse was lost.

For want of a horse, the rider was lost.

For want of a rider, the message was lost.

For want of a message, the battle was lost.

For want of a battle, the war was lost.

For want of a war, the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a nail.

People do not look at the impact of most of their problems. If they did, if we did, we would all make different decisions in our lives.

You must learn to get the people you are looking to influence to look down the road further and deeper at their problems. Using a sequence of questions referred to as identifying, developing, and impact probes does just that.

Enterprise and the Vinnie-Mobile

I’ve never been one for big cars; I just don’t feel right in a big car. I’m a compact man. But when I flew into Albany one day, and bellied up to the counter for my Enterprise compact, a friendly fresh face who had other plans greeted me. His name was Vinnie, and as a twenty-five-year veteran sales trainer, I was looking forward to the conversation.

Vinnie looked up my reservation, smiled, and with my license and credit card in hand, we started the process of getting me behind the wheel of his small car. After all, I am a compact man.

There was some idle chitchat, and then a harmless question. “Where will you be taking the car, Mr. Jolles?” A harmless answer followed. “I’m heading to Keene Valley to conduct three days of sales training in the Adirondacks.” I thought I saw Vinnie smile, but that might have been my imagination.

“Have you checked the weather report, Mr. Jolles?” Of course I had. (I not only have over two million miles of air travel under my belt over my career, I wrote a best-selling book on travel!) What self-respecting road warrior goes on a trip and doesn’t check the weather report where he is traveling? I could sense where this conversation might be going and I wasn’t having any of it.

“Yes, Vinnie, I’ve checked the weather. Why do you ask?” The small grin was gone, and a sincere look took its place. “Because there’s always a chance the weather can change, and I think you might want to rent something a little bigger. I think you might want to rent a four-wheel-drive vehicle.”

This kid was overmatched. I had looked at the weather report carefully, and seen that there was nothing more than rain predicted. I was curious, just the same, so we spoke about price. The vehicle was significantly more than the one I was planning to rent, but Vinnie seemed sincerely concerned. He offered to drop the price a little bit, but I still wasn’t biting. Then Vinnie asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. It was simple and yet brilliant. He calmly asked me, “What if the weather changes?”

I looked at him somewhat dumfounded, and he went on to say, “Well, I ask you that question because I was born and raised here in Albany. I know the Adirondacks well, and I know Keene Valley. The weather can be very volatile there and can change rather quickly. What if the weather changes on you, Mr. Jolles?”

I stammered a bit, and Vinnie bore in. “You will be driving well over 100 miles each way. What effect do you think this will have on your business trip, and the next location you might need to get to if you are driving a compact car?” Not only was I concerned about the safety of the compact I was considering, I had concerns about getting home to see my daughter performing in a play. It was a one-night performance, and I had never missed a performance. Getting back to Albany was critical. I told Vinnie I’d take the bigger four-wheel-drive vehicle, moved past the price issue, and headed to the mountains.

Well, the weather did change and it snowed, for three days. The snow total was between 16 and 20 inches. My big four-wheel-drive Ford seemed almost to laugh at the snow. I felt safe in what I was now calling the “Vinnie-Mobile,” and the trip was a success. I made it out of the Adirondacks, and I had no trouble getting back to Albany to catch my flight.

By asking me that simple question, a question I conveniently avoided asking myself, an Enterprise employee saved me from missing a life event with my youngest child. While he was at it, he helped me avoid other costs a delay would have incurred, and ultimately saved me money. The Vinnie-Mobile may have been a few dollars more a day to rent, but it became the best bargain on the road to drive. Vinnie also earned a client for life, my respect, and my appreciation.

The “Vinnie-Mobile” dug out and ready to go!

FOR WANT OF AN UPGRADE

For want of an upgrade, the flight was lost.

For want of a flight, the play was lost.

For want of a play, the moment was lost.

For want of a moment, the memory was lost.

For want of a memory, the bond was lost.

For want of a bond, the relationship was lost.

And all for the want of an upgrade.

Impact Probes

The Need: You want to finish this sequence of probes off with one, final question that allows the person you are influencing to reflect on the problem as a whole.

The Tactic: With the problem identified and developed, you have one final question: an impact probe.

Identifying: “What challenges have you experienced with some of the more aggressive moves you’ve made in the market?”

Developing: “How much have you lost up to this point?”

“What had you intended to use that money for?”

“And?”

The Example: “What would be the consequences of experiencing multiple losses like this on your portfolio as a whole?”

So there you are. You have your teeth into a problem, and like a Doberman, you won’t let go. I have seen others who have been so excited with the progress of their questioning that they had trouble containing themselves and started smiling.

You are experiencing strong emotions. Now is not the time to show your joy with the newfound skills you have acquired! Watch your body language, your tone, and, for goodness’ sake, your facial expressions. The probing sequence can be traumatic, and your ability to mirror the expressions of those you are communicating with sincerely will serve you well.

Those who manipulate inadvertently display a sense of satisfaction when hearing of another person’s pain. It represents a personal triumph.

Those who influence display empathy when hearing of another person’s pain. It represents trust, and they too feel that pain.

A POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE

Until now, I have not presented the most positive slant to this most difficult task within the art of influence. In the past when I encountered someone who felt my suggestions were too negative or aggressive, I passed it off as someone who simply missed the point of my message. People are motivated by the consequences of their actions. That’s a fact—not a feeling.

When changing a person’s behavior, consequence is more powerful than value.

I have also had some healthy debates regarding the possibility of showing value through my questions as opposed to consequence. I resisted. “Is a cigarette smoker unaware that he will feel healthier if he stops smoking?” “Is a struggling employee unaware that his quality of life will improve if he works harder to get along with others on his team?”

Consequence Is a Very Powerful Motivator

My dad was a smoker for many, many years. As he told me one day, “When I joined the navy at sixteen (he and his father lied about his age), I wasn’t a smoker for about an hour. When the first cigarette break was announced I continued to swab the deck. An hour later I grabbed a cigarette like everyone else.”

Thirty years later we were begging my dad to give up his two-pack-a-day habit. We tried everything possible, meaning we tried every solution possible. He just couldn’t stop.

My father was one of seven brothers. When his first brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was angry. When his second brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he took his cigarettes and threw them in a bush and never smoked again. Consequence is a very powerful motivator.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it! Think back on most of the decisions you have made recently. Did you buy that last car because you had an irresistible urge for that new car smell, or was it because you just finished picking up the old car from the shop—for the third time in three months—and gasped when you saw the bill? Did you change jobs because you just had to experience the joys of meeting new people, or was it because you were fed up trying to reason things out with your existing boss? I rest my case … sort of.

Can it be argued that some people are motivated by positive consequences as opposed to negative consequence? It took me about a decade to admit it, but the answer is yes. There are those who are motivated by value. I want to go on record to tell you that many more of our decisions are based on consequence than on value, but I can no longer ignore the fact that there are those who base certain decisions strictly on value.

For instance, if you ask someone who retires and moves to Florida why he made that decision, he may tell you, “If I had to go through one more lousy winter up North I’d go crazy!” Sounds like a decision based on consequence. However, others may say, “I came down to Florida some years ago to play golf, and I had such a great time I decided someday I’d move here!” Sounds like a decision based on value.

Fortunately, from a process angle, little changes in the way you work with someone who is motivated by value. The same three question types apply with one, slight, positive change. Instead of asking about the negative effects that can be expected, the questions move to the positive effects that can be expected. In other words, rather than asking someone, “What other concerns do you have about not solving this?” you might ask, “What other benefits do you think you’ll gain by solving this?”

Please remember, the decision you make to influence based on consequence or value is not yours. It is irrelevant if this is the way you would like to be influenced. What is relevant is the way the person you are looking to influence is affected by your questions.

Well, that’s it. What you have read is crucial when engaging in the art of influence. A lifetime of working with this process permits me to say that the steps contained within this stage are far more difficult to implement than you might think. That’s just fine! The final chapter of this book outlines the actual implementation of this process, so fear not. With hard work and repetition, the process will become muscle memory before you know it.