Preface
If I could show you a way, with 100 percent certainty, to maximize the odds of your ability to change another person’s mind, would you jump at the opportunity to acquire these skills? Take a deep breath, and consider these words for a moment, because that’s exactly what I can do. But there’s a catch. Along with the skills you harness when you learn how to change minds comes a moral responsibility. In the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, and even Stan Lee (to mention a few):
With great power comes great responsibility.
Within the pages you are about to read, I am confident of two things. First, you will find a process that is repeatable, predictable, and allows you the best opportunity possible to change another person’s mind. Second, you will find yourself in a front-row seat peering over a thin line that separates influence from manipulation. At times that line can become so thin that the only thing that distinguishes one from the other is sheer intent.
It will be my job not only to show you how to change minds, but to draw the boundaries between influence and manipulation. To succeed in such lofty goals, this book will have to deliver on four separate fronts: (1) It must be applicable to all, (2) it must be ethical, (3) it must be measurable, and (4) it must be something you believe in.
IT MUST BE APPLICABLE TO ALL
After nearly three decades of teaching people to sell, and transferring these skills to those who don’t necessarily sell for a living, I’ve learned that the topic of persuasion can create some immediate anxiety. There are two questions that should be on your mind, to address right out of the gate.
The first is, Do you have to be a salesperson to use these skills? It would be trite to repeat the words you’ve probably heard over and over again: “Everybody sells.” However, for many who simply want to apply selling skills to a child being parented, a cherished friend who needs to change his or her ways, or a manager who wants to change the ways of the team, this question can be haunting.
The processes we will explain are demonstrably and effectively used by professional salespeople. However, for decades I have conducted workshops and taught selling skills to NASA engineers, hostage negotiators, artists, parent groups, and many more. Learning how to change minds is not an exclusive skill available only to those who sell for a living. The act of influence has no boundaries.
The second question you should ask is, Do you have to possess certain natural skills to be effective at influencing others? This question can be rephrased many different ways, for example, “Are you born a salesperson?” or “Can anybody do this?” But any way you slice it, the question remains essentially the same: “Can I learn to do this?” If I had a nickel for every time I have been asked this question, well, let’s just say, I’d have a heck of a lot of nickels!
I didn’t know the answer myself until I was fortunate enough to meet one of the greatest salesman who ever lived. He wasn’t a big-shot author (a fraternity I know all too well). No, he was a rather quiet, unassuming man named Ben Feldman.
It’s Just a Question of Style
You probably haven’t heard of him either, so let me introduce you. In 1979, my first year out of college, and my first year with the New York Life Insurance Company, Ben led the industry in sales. Actually, it is inadequate to say he led the industry. He dominated it, with a lifetime total of $1.6 billion in sales. Out of a pool of close to a quarter of a million salespeople, the sales numbers of the top nine agents were fairly close to one another. Ben Feldman’s totals were triple those of his next closest competitor.
I had never met Ben, but I imagined him to be outgoing, tall, and aggressive, with a big, booming voice. I guess I saw him as a collection of every stereotype I had been led to believe comprised an effective salesperson. The day I had the rare pleasure of meeting this man, he changed my life.
Ben Feldman stood about five feet three inches, a somewhat large fellow, with hair a little like Larry from The Three Stooges, and he spoke with a heavy lisp—not quite what I had expected. Within seconds, however, I was drawn to Ben Feldman’s unique style. He had none of the more conventional strengths that we associate with his kind of success, yet he remained true to his style, used his strengths, and was a giant in his field.
That was the moment I learned the most valuable lesson I would ever receive in my life regarding personal style. I could not be Ben Feldman, but I could focus on his technique and continue to ask myself, “How can I do that so it sounds like me?” What is my personal style? My strengths aren’t Ben’s strengths, but then again, Ben’s aren’t mine either.
Ben Feldman didn’t just inspire a 21-year-old kid trying to find his way in the world of selling, he inspired the world with one simple message: If you remain true to the unique strengths you possess, and follow sound, proven techniques, there is no style of communication that cannot be successful.
Ben Feldman passed away in the summer of 1994, but not without leaving us a few final gifts. Ironically, he did not leave much in the way of process behaviors (a series of predictable actions), behind. His actual selling techniques were not well documented, and the rare speeches he gave provided more inspiration than instruction. However, in my mind, his greatest gift may have been one he never articulated. He taught us that if you commit to your own personal style, you can become as great as you want to be. “Can anybody do this?” Absolutely! The key is to separate style from technique.
IT MUST BE ETHICAL
There is a lot at stake as we continue to work our way through the act of changing another person’s mind. My focus will be on the moral tug of war between our desire to influence change and our will to preserve our personal ethics.
Webster’s defines the word “ethics” this way: “a system of moral values.” There isn’t a whole lot of gray area here. Either you adhere to a system of moral values, or you don’t; it’s as simple as that. Or is it? When we are emotionally invested in creating change, even the most well-intentioned individuals can inadvertently struggle with the choices at hand.
Rather than ignore this potential conflict, I want to examine how well-intentioned people can find themselves challenged to do the right thing. By doing so, I believe we can step out of the shadows of feeling that changing someone’s mind by applying the skills of influence is somehow a bad thing. It isn’t. In fact, it can provide one of the greatest acts act of kindness one human being can extend to another. On the other hand, changing someone’s mind by applying the skills of manipulation can be a despicable act of selfishness, and that’s why we must start here.
You see, most of us don’t wake up one day, stretch, grab a cup of coffee, and say to ourselves, “You know, I feel like being unethical today.” It’s a little more complicated than that. In fact, it begins with another word we’ll now introduce. The word is “justification,” which Webster’s defines this way: “a reason, fact, circumstance, or explanation that justifies or defends.”
As a professional speaker and author who studies and writes about human behavior, I can tell you that people do not set out to be unethical. However, when you have a lucrative, possibly career-changing sales contest victory within an inch of your grasp, the line between influence and manipulation stands out in boldface. When you have a companion whose change of behavior would result more in our personal gain than in his or hers, that line appears again. Mix in the word “justification,” and you have a recipe for unethical behavior.
The line is easy for you to distinguish, you say? Well, we all have our ethical thresholds. For instance, if you were in a library and found a beautiful Montblanc pen that had been left behind at the table, would you take it to the Lost and Found? Maybe. Now let’s sprinkle in a little bit of “justification.” What if you had been given a beautiful Montblanc pen as a token of thanks for your participation in a meaningful event, and you had left it behind a month ago, and it had not been returned to you? As you sit in the library and roll this new pen between your fingers, will you still run to the Lost and Found to return it? After all, someone took your beautiful Montblanc pen; shouldn’t you be able to keep this pen, to replace it? It seems only fair. That’s what I mean by justification.
One of my unique clients was a group of more than 650 polygraph examiners. I learned from these fine folks that regardless of the crime, the confessions always contained an almost bizarre sense of justification. “I know I embezzled the money, but I had two tuitions to pay, the owner has more money than he knows what to do with, and he left the safe open!” I know it’s easy for you and me to see this for what it is, which is stealing, but the person who was confessing justified this lack of ethics and saw it as a way to survive.
It is clearly the norm, not the exception, to justify any questionable act we may engage in, and this dilemma is by no means new. Case after case throughout history highlight this issue. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated our beloved President Abraham Lincoln, did not in any way perceive his actions to be unjust. History tells us that Booth felt justified in his horrific act, believing that his actions would not only turn the tide of the Civil War, but would eventually make him a celebrated hero to all humankind.
We all need to be on guard when our inner voice of ethical guidance is countered by another voice that tries to rationalize a set of behaviors that, deep down, we know is not right. So our second hurdle will be to provide a line between when the skills of influence are appropriate, and when we cross that line into manipulation. This is why there will be reminders emphasizing just where lines between influence and manipulation exist, with the intention of protecting and guiding against inadvertently straying over the line.
IT MUST BE MEASURABLE
As you read this book, you’ll find out soon enough that I enjoy telling stories, and at times I hope you find this book entertaining. Other times I think you might find what I write can be inspiring, and still other times you might even find it motivational. But if that’s all, I’ve wasted your time. There’s simply too much at stake here.
You see the problem at hand: I want you to demand more from me. Entertaining, inspiring, and motivating you are easy. Teaching you exactly how to change minds using the skills of influence without manipulation is the tough part. But that’s exactly what you’ll find within this book, and you’ll find these tactics defined in an exact process.
When you have a process, you have a way of measuring what you are doing. When you can measure it, you can fix it.
Finding the Right Measurement
Selling for the New York Life Insurance Company was my first job out of school, and I think back fondly on those early days. I was young and motivated to succeed. The measurements that were laid out for me were simple ones. “Two sales a week, ten sales a month, and don’t let us catch you hanging around the office waiting for the phone to ring!” I guess you could say that’s one form of measurement.
Interestingly enough, by that form of measurement, I was a darned good insurance salesman. Some months my numbers were really good, and management would tell me, “Whatever you’re doing, just keep doing it.” Some months my numbers were not very good, and management’s remarks weren’t quite as generous. I had a nagging feeling there was something I was missing, but I also almost always hit those numbers by the measurement that was established for me, and I was therefore defined as a good salesman.
I had a good career with New York Life, and I will always be grateful to that company for giving me a chance to sell. However, it was frustrating to chase those numbers without really understanding what I was doing right or wrong, from a process standpoint, and eventually I left the company and joined Xerox.
New York Life taught me to love to sell, and then Xerox taught me how to sell. At Xerox, it seemed like you didn’t tie your shoes without some kind of measurement, but therein lay the genius of Xerox.
Xerox was obsessed with the mechanics behind what we were doing at all times. Initially, they had no interest in how many sales I was making, but rather in the process I was following to make those sales. As a matter of fact, during the initial sales training with Xerox, which was considered some of the finest in the world, we never mentioned a copier. For training purposes, we sold answering machines and airplanes. The theory was, to perfect the process, the product itself was irrelevant.
With a repeatable, predictable, and, above all, measurable process in place, I no longer had the nagging feeling that I was missing something. When I sold well, I could tell you why, and when I didn’t, I could tell you why. I have never forgotten the lessons Xerox taught me, and today I base a lot of what I teach on the principles they instilled in me.
The ultimate test of what you will be learning will not be whether you can understand what is being taught. The ultimate test will be whether you can implement what you have learned, and— with a repeatable, predictable, process that you can measure—that’s exactly what you will be equipped to do.
IT MUST BE SOMETHING YOU BELIEVE IN
When you stop and think about it, having the ability to change another person’s mind is pretty heady stuff. That’s why the moment we end this preface, we will start a conversation designed to help you understand exactly why it takes courage to use these skills. I suppose it would be easy to step away from the controversy of influence, and let people simply change their minds and behaviors without our help. But doing so leaves people vulnerable to one of the most pervasive fears anyone can face: the fear of change.
Years ago, The Book of Lists* produced a rather famous collection of fears that surprised many of us when the top five turned out to be:
1. Speaking before a group
2. Heights
3. Insects and bugs
4. Financial problems
5. Deep water
Newer lists have come out since, with few changes, other than the fear of flying, making their way into the top five. However, I maintain there is another fear that doesn’t appear on any list and yet is a stumbling block for us all. What’s more, it is a far more personally destructive fear. I’m referring to the fear of change.
Think back on your life and how often you have been faced with a challenging decision. You no doubt weighed your options, and both logic and instinct presented you with a solution. Then, you did what so many of us are guilty of doing: nothing. The fear of change not only overpowered your reasoning, it left you with a frustrating reminder when you finally did get around to making a decision. Your souvenir was the phrase that came out like a mantra: “I wish I had done it sooner.”
The fear of the unknown often outweighs the pain of the present.
The solution comes from your ability to stay away from solving others’ problems for them, and focusing instead on leading them to solve their own problems. People rarely look down the road at the impact of their problems; if they did, we would not have to engage in these challenging conversations. We would not have to seek someone out, set up a meeting, or plan a phone call, because those you would be aiming to influence would be calling you. There is a solution. If you want to defuse fear of change, it all hinges on your ability to embrace the skills of influence.
You don’t need to apologize or excuse yourself for leading someone on a path of change. As you will read in the pages that follow, under the proper circumstances, guiding people past their fear of change can be one of the most meaningful acts of kindness you could ever offer another individual. Still, some people just don’t get it.
Some years ago, minutes before a keynote speech I was to deliver, I had an interesting, perhaps even inspirational, moment. As a creature of habit, before a presentation I typically like to pace around quietly and keep to myself. While outside getting into my speaker zone (if you will), I ran into an interesting individual.
I was alone in the hallway except for a woman who was also pacing around a bit, and she didn’t look very happy. I was curious, so I struck up a conversation. I asked her how she was doing, and that’s all it took to get her going.
“How am I doing, you ask? I’m miserable. In about five minutes I’ve got to go into that room, sit for an hour, and listen to some jerk talk to me about selling! Can you believe it?”
Before I could even speak, she just kept going. “I wouldn’t be here if my manager wasn’t making me attend this fiasco. I’ve never liked salespeople, and now I’ve got to sit and listen to someone who actually teaches salespeople. What a colossal waste of time!” At that point an announcement interrupted her diatribe.
No, I did not single this woman out and confront her in front of 500 people in that hotel ballroom. Please, I’m a professional. However, I always speak with a wireless microphone so I can move around the room, and for some reason I not only wandered to exactly where this woman was sitting, but I delivered about 55 minutes of my 60-minute keynote address about a foot and a half from her ear.
Late that night, on a red-eye back to the East Coast, I found myself going back to that moment in the hallway. It bothered me to know that not only did this woman not really understand how vital to society those who know how to change minds are, but that she was by no means alone in her misconception.
The tray table came down, the laptop opened up, and the words began to fly as I began to craft my rebuttal. To this day I’m not exactly sure what I created. It’s not exactly a story, and not exactly a poem. That’s why I’ve always called it my “sto-em,” and you can find it on page 165, where it can serve as a succinct summary of all the guide-posts this book is about to describe, for influencing without manipulation.
You’ve done your job. You took a leap of faith, and you bought this book. Now it’s time for me to do my job. Keep going, and you won’t just be learning a new set of skills. You will be learning exactly how to assist others who struggle through change. It’s time to learn how to change minds.