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Establishing Trust

Those who manipulate don’t ask for trust.

Those who influence don’t need to ask for trust; they earn it.

It all begins with trust. Nothing else really matters, nor will any other tactics that are taught really matter, if there isn’t trust. Can the art of creating trust be learned? Yes. Is there a process that can be defined for creating trust? Yes.

THE OLDEST LESSON IN TRUST

For over twenty years, I have been marching into training rooms all over the world, asking audiences to help me figure out what makes people trust other people. I word the question this way:

I want you to think of someone you trust or have trusted in the past on a very deep level. This could be a parent, a teacher, a colleague, a manager, or anyone else you can think of. Start by telling me how this person makes you feel.

Typical responses include:

He makes me feel important.

She makes me feel intelligent.

He makes me feel as if he cares about me.

She makes me feel as if she is interested in what I’m saying.

All good responses. The next question I ask is this: “Now tell me a little more about the person you are describing.”

She is honest.

He is empathetic.

She is interesting.

He seems to know what he is talking about.

Again, terrific responses. Then comes the best part. I follow up with one more question. It’s a simple little question, but the response never ceases to amaze me: “Tell me what they are actually doing that makes you trust them so much.” Things get awfully quiet when I ask that question. People seem almost dumfounded, if not exasperated, often repeating what they have already told me. “Uh, they just seem like they can be trusted!”

The irony is, I’ve watched for decades as people struggle to answer this question, and yet what they are searching for is not only a simple answer, it’s something that almost everyone has learned at some point in his or her life. Unfortunately, although we all may have learned it, we seem to have systematically forgotten it. So what does everyone learn but quickly forget? You want to create trust? Ask questions, and then listen.

My Father-in-Law

I’ll never forget the first time I met my future wife Ronni’s father. I was understandably nervous, but Ronni kept insisting, “You’ll like him. Everyone likes him.” Everyone likes him? Perhaps, but this did little to ease my apprehension.

Then came the big meeting. He warmly shook my hand, and we began to speak. To my surprise, it was one of the easiest conversations I had ever had with a person I had never met. I looked up at the clock and couldn’t believe we had been speaking, freely and effortlessly, for over thirty minutes. I was elated, and told Ronni, “Boy, you weren’t kidding, I really like him! He’s so easy to talk with!” She nodded her head and smiled.

A few weeks later, I met Ronni’s father again, and once again was astonished at how easily the conversation seemed to flow. I could spend all day talking to this man! Once again I told Ronni, “I love talking to your dad!” This time I looked a little more carefully at her reaction and saw her slightly roll her eyes when I reacted the way I did.

When I questioned her about her reaction she smiled and said, “I know you like my dad; everyone likes my dad. Do you know why you like my dad so much? Because he never speaks. He asks questions, and he listens to the answers.” That was the first time it dawned on me that throughout our conversations, these conversations I enjoyed so much, he never told me a thing about himself. He dialed his questions into me. Not only did these questions make me like him, they made me trust him.

We communicate in three ways: We listen, we ask questions, or we make statements. I believe that asking questions and listening are the driving forces behind that trusted person list you just looked at. And we can thank Xerox for taking this hunch of mine and proving that it’s a fact. About a decade ago, Xerox sent out over 5,000 surveys to its clientele and posed this simple question:

Given the fact that there are only three ways we can communicate with you, would you please rank these three types of communication regarding how you want us to communicate with you?

The answers that came out of this survey were staggering. Not only did asking questions and listening come in at almost a dead heat as the number one answer, what was truly amazing was what happened to the response, “making statements.” It was nonexistent! It fell off the radar. No one selected it as his or her number one response. Does that really surprise you? When asked how he wants to be communicated with, who in his right mind would respond, “I want someone to create trust with me by meeting me and then telling me all about himself!”

The more the people you are communicating with talk, the more they like the person they are talking to.

If this is so obvious, why do so few people ask questions and listen? There are a few theories out there, but I’m going to tell you what I think is the biggest culprit. You might not like it because the answer may be peering at you from your mirror. It involves our thirst for knowledge.

THE BATTLE FOR KNOWLEDGE

If you ever want to start an argument with another person, particularly someone who prides himself on his wise thoughts, tell him you feel knowledge is overrated. This comment drives self-proclaimed wise people crazy!

When you stop and think about it, many of us have invested a lot in the pursuit of knowledge. It begins with our first trip to nursery school, and progresses through elementary, middle, and high school. For many it continues into college with the pursuit of an undergraduate degree, a master’s, and sometimes even a doctorate. Doctors learn to heal, accountants learn to balance numbers, lawyers learn to interpret the law; the list goes on and on.

Then we go to work, and the first thing most of us experience is the pursuit of knowledge of an entirely new kind, one based on the specific requirements of our job. Many occupations require a constant upgrade in our job knowledge through continuing education requirements. The accumulation of all this knowledge takes years of dedication.

That’s why educated people often take exception to a simple statement I make when conducting workshops: “Knowledge? It’s overrated.”

Before you, too, throw up your hands and roll your eyes, I want you to think for a moment about those who have earned your trust, and whom you deeply respect as communicators. Did they earn this lofty status by their display of intelligence, or did they earn it through their ability to make you believe that their actions were in your best interests? I’m guessing these people you trust and respect knew how to ask questions and listen.

Think about the last time you were led to believe in a solution because you felt comfortable with the person you were communicating with. Did he or she earn this level of trust by bowling you over with knowledge, or was it by asking questions and listening?

I am not asserting that knowledge is not a necessary part of who we are. What I am saying is a lot of smart people in this world struggle mightily with their ability to get people to believe in them. What I am saying is that knowledge is necessary; it’s just a bit overrated.

It was either Albert Einstein or I who once said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” (I’m pretty sure it was Einstein.)

THE SECOND OLDEST LESSON IN TRUST

We now know for a fact that we create trust and lay the groundwork for influence by asking questions and listening. But how many questions do we ask? What types of questions do we ask? Let me introduce you to the second oldest lesson in trust: You must learn the difference between an open question and a closed question. Let’s start with a quick definition.

An open question is simply a question that cannot be answered with a yes or a no. Open questions

Get people talking.

Open up people who are a little more reserved.

Start your questions with words like the ones you see below, and your questions will be open:

What	When	Describe
Why	Where	Tell

A closed question is a question that can be answered with a yes or a no. Closed questions are not necessarily bad questions to ask, but not now, and not when you are trying to establish trust. Closed questions

Can shut down a talkative person.

Confirm or test information.

Start your questions with words like the ones you see below, and your questions will be closed.

Are	Will	Can
Would	If	Did

It’s not an interrogation; it’s a conversation.

Sometimes, when using these probes, you have to be careful not to pump your questions out too quickly. And do not overuse closed questions. Watch a good court trial someday, and you will know what I mean. By avoiding closed questions, you will reduce your chances of “leading the witnesses.”

I’m about ready to leave these two classic ideas behind, but not without a commitment from you. Here’s what I’m asking you to do. Carefully read the short declaration on this page. If you can’t agree to it, send me an email ([email protected]), and tell me why. If you do agree with it, then commit yourself to it. And if you do, you’ll have taken one of the most important steps in learning not only how to establish trust, but also how to influence behavior.

A Declaration

People aren’t going to remember what you said, or what you did. In the end, people are going to remember how you made them feel.

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE

Imagine for a moment you were attending a program I was delivering and you heard me say,

If you remember nothing else from the hours or days we spend together, I ask that, whenever in your life you are communicating with another individual and attempting to influence his or her actions, you commit yourself to asking questions and listening. If you do this, this will be the most valuable workshop you will ever have attended in your life.

Of course I follow this up with a reminder that we are just scratching the surface of influence, and new and wonderful lessons are about to come. However, I mean what I say. If you remember these first two lessons—(1) to ask questions and listen, and (2) to understand the difference between an open and closed question—the results will have a profound effect on your life.

THE FOUR A’S OF TRUST

Now that you have the two oldest lessons under your belt, let’s start working on some new ones. But before we do, I think it’s important to tell you that as simple as they may appear, they are often overlooked. Don’t believe me? I was part of a pretty high-powered think tank that did an amazing job of missing these critical lessons.

Without trust, there is no influence

I remember well the first sales process I ever helped to create. We threw everything but the kitchen sink into this process. Yes, sir, we were going to leave nothing to chance, and the sixteen-step process we created would prove that every tactic involved in selling was in this process. What I realized later was that we were almost right. Every tactic involved in selling was in the process except the most important one: attention to trust.

Oh, we talked about trust, and we told stories about trust; however, we didn’t apply one repeatable, predictable step to the process we were working on that actually taught trust. In our defense, we felt that trust was a given; we felt it was obvious; we felt it was somehow intuitive.

How wrong we were. We built an amazing process that spelled out every move a person could make other than the first move to be made. Sadly, without trust, the rest of the process becomes anemic. We went back and performed our own version of a retrofit to the process, but I still think back with amazement on how we could have missed it. How could we have assumed trust is easily earned, and intuitive? Without trust there can be no influence.

Correcting that mistake has become a twenty-year passion, so let’s correct it here and now. Keep these “four A’s” in mind, and you’ll be on your way not only to creating trust, but also to influencing behavior.

CASE STUDY

As we look into the various processes that involve change, I believe it’s easier to understand the steps by providing case studies, and tracking the relevant responses. That said, here is your first case study.

The Art of Trust

Background: Your spouse loves that motorcycle, and you’ve been trying to get that motorcycle retired for years.

Tactic: The words of a friend keep ringing in your ears: “There are two types of motorcycle riders—them who have been down, and them who are going down.” You would desperately like to change the mind of your spouse and influence the retirement of that motorcycle, but so far the conversations have ended in frustration and anger.

ASK OPEN QUESTIONS

I’ll bet you saw that one coming, but I can’t tell you how often I work with people who treat a conversation like a game of Twenty Questions. I’ve given you the reasons for asking these questions, as well as how to ask them. It’s all about trust now, so make no mistake about it, here’s one of the most important times to keep your questions open.

The Best Question I Ever Heard

I recently had a conversation with my buddy Bubba, a salesman I’ve known for over twenty years. He is one of the best salesmen I’ve ever met. We were talking about questions that help build trust between people and allow us to learn volumes about another person. He shared the best question I’ve ever come across.

We know that if we are going to use questions to create trust, the initial questions are critical. That’s why the simplicity and effectiveness of the following question resonated so deeply within me. The question was this: “Everyone has a story. What’s yours?”

You would be amazed where this question can lead. The answer can provide an instant window into another person’s personality, just by the depth of his or her response. The answer can provide information that someone may rarely tell another individual. The truth is that people want to tell their stories. The question is completely nonthreatening; people can answer with as much or as little depth as makes them comfortable.

The next time you are in a situation where you really want to get to know another person, and you want to begin to create trust, ask that question. Then settle back, and listen carefully. There’s no telling where the story might end up, but the conversation will end in a deeper level of trust.

ACTIVELY LISTEN

So you are now prepared to ask open questions. The problem is, this first tip doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t listen to the response. And don’t just listen (as in not being the one doing the talking); truly, actively listen!

I’m not talking about blankly nodding along, prematurely offering solutions, fidgeting, doodling, texting, contradicting, or looking at your watch. I’m talking about making eye contact, focusing, taking notes, dialing in, and really listening.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt found the polite small talk of social functions at the White House somewhat tedious. He maintained that those present on such occasions rarely paid much attention to what was said to them. To illustrate the point, he would sometimes amuse himself by greeting guests with the words, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.” The response was invariably one of polite approval. On one occasion, however, the president happened upon an attentive listener. On hearing Roosevelt’s outrageous remark, the guest replied diplomatically, “I’m sure she had it coming to her.”

Like so many people, I struggle with being a better listener. I try, I really do. I’ve read about being a better listener, I’ve attended seminars about being a better listener, I’ve written about being a better listener, and I’ve even put a module in two of my training programs, which means (gasp) I’ve even taught people how to be better listeners. So, at the risk of appearing slightly hypocritical, let me take an unconventional approach to trying to solve this problem.

Rather than join the masses and tell you what you need to do to improve your listening, I’d like to take a contrarian view of this issue, and tell you what not to do to improve your listening. Some years ago I attended a listening seminar and was intrigued when presented with a list of habits to avoid. I liked this angle, and felt I could certainly identify with it, so I set out creating my own survey. For over a year I polled my seminar audiences about the most annoying listening habits they observed in others. Here are the top ten answers I received.

They

1. Interrupt me.

2. Make no eye contact.

3. Check email or text messages.

4. Jump in as if to make their point before I’m finished making mine.

5. Appear distracted or uninterested.

6. Show no expression.

7. Turn everything I say into a story involving them.

8. Look at their watch while I’m speaking.

9. Ask a question to which I have just given the answer.

10. Visually drift off, looking and studying things around them instead of looking at me.

I’ve always liked this list because in a sense, by learning what annoys others, we get a blueprint of good listening habits we should try to incorporate.

Listening is crucial—and I mean complete, undivided listening. It’s hard to do. What’s more, contrary to popular belief, in no way is it an instinctive behavior; it requires mental discipline that rivals some of the most challenging behaviors we’ve attempted to master. But the results are amazing.

AIM YOUR QUESTIONS

When you set out to influence behavior, you need to begin by figuring out what your ultimate goal is. It sounds easy, but don’t be deceived. I think it’s one of the most challenging aspects of learning to influence behavior. When I refer to aiming your question, I don’t mean standard rapport-building questions such as, How are you doing today? and Did you see the ball game last night?

Let the other person paint the picture.

I’m not saying you won’t build rapport with aimed questions; I am saying there’s a lot more involved in asking them. Remember, we are not just establishing trust here; we are laying the foundation for change. When you learn to aim your questions, you need to have a goal, or an end, in mind toward which to move your conversation.

IT BEGINS WITH KNOWING WHAT YOU’RE AIMING AT

Through the years I’ve conducted workshops for many different companies, but one of my favorites has been Toyota. I’ll never forget the first time I met this client. I was summoned to a meeting with high-level Toyota executives at Toyota University in California. Toyota was trying to determine which of a handful of vendors would conduct their training.

I don’t often feel intimidated walking into a room, but that day I did. I began to talk about the art of influence, and made the point that questions needed to be aimed, and that the aiming of these questions begins with a clear understanding of the conversation’s goal. I inadvertently asked a question that seemed both to stump them and to bother them. I asked, “Given the fact that there are many cars on the road, in a perfect world, what do you want potential customers to want when they walk onto your showroom floor?”

The room grew eerily quiet. I stammered a bit, and followed my question with, “Well, I’m asking because I can’t begin the process of influence until I know clearly what I want the solution to be.” More blank stares, until finally one of the most senior people in the room spoke up and said, “Could you please give us a few minutes to provide you with a response to your question?”

I was then led out of the room a bit disheartened, thinking I had blown my opportunity to work with such a wonderful client. A few minutes later they called me back in. When I walked into the room I was handed a small piece of paper. On it were three clear strengths that were unique to Toyota as a manufacturer. I looked up, smiled, and said, “Perfect. Does anyone else know what’s on this piece of paper?” The group collectively shook their heads, and I said, “Well, that’s where we would begin.”

Two days later they awarded me with a contract, and I’ve maintained a relationship with Toyota ever since.

AVOID PROBLEMS

Who wants to admit to a problem they have no intention of fixing? Learning to avoid problems early in the conversation provides us with an explanation as to why so many people will deny they have a problem to begin with. Imagine if you were trying to create trust in a conversation regarding the motorcycle case study, and you asked a question like this: “Do you have concerns about riding your motorcycle?”

Such a question sets the mind of the person you are trying to influence racing, and what’s going through it sounds something like this:

Do I have concerns about riding my motorcycle? Let’s see. If I answer that question yes, there will be no getting out of this conversation. If I answer that question yes, I will probably have to commit to something. Heck, I’m not sure if I have concerns or not, but I don’t want to get rid of my bike, so I know one thing for sure—I’m not admitting anything right now!

The answer you hear is a simple no, which will probably be followed up with an excuse or a lie as to why he or she doesn’t want to make a change. What’s worse, you are the one who initiated that lie.

You have probably told quite a number of these little lies yourself. The art of working within this stage involves getting a person to trust you. Avoiding that person’s problems in the beginning can go a long way toward earning the trust that you will need if you wish to influence a change.

There is a process for trust. It requires the blending of old lessons with a few more detailed reminders: (1) ask open questions, (2) actively listen, (3) aim your questions, and (4) avoid problems. It’s not a perfect science, but each of these steps represents critical reminders.

Applying the Four A’s of Trust

The Need: You want to create trust with the person you are communicating with.

The Tactic: You create trust by asking open questions, aiming those questions to a particular strength of your solution, avoiding problems, and actively listening.

The Examples:

“What type of roads do you typically ride on?”

“What kind of weather conditions do you typically ride in?”

So our journey continues. Without a foundation of believing in what you are about to influence someone else to do, there is nothing to build on. Without understanding the process people go through when they make decisions, there is no logic to the tactics you use. Without trust, there is no climate in which to change another person’s mind. Now it’s time to continue our journey, to add the steps necessary to create the most difficult move of all. It’s time to create urgency.