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When you want to understand what really motivates people
People see things so differently from us, that it can be hard to understand their thinking.
I was reminded of this the other day when I told my three-year-old I’d brush her hair. She patted my arm and said in a very patronizing voice: “No you won’t. Daddies don’t brush hair. When you’re older, and your eyebrows are smaller, then you’ll be a woman. And then you can brush my hair.”
I’m not quite sure where she got this new view of human biology from, but I await my forthcoming female years with interest . . .
This story is an example of how people can read all sorts of weird and wonderful things into what they hear you say. It can sometimes be baffling how much they misinterpret you. It’s not their fault. It’s not yours either. The communication just hasn’t worked.
But, to get a “yes” from them, it’s important to understand what drives them. And this often isn’t what you think it is. Keeping with the hair theme:
To a wig salesman, I appear an ideal customer (one quick glance at my photo will explain why).
Except I’m not.
You see, hair and I don’t get on. Never have. I’ve no interest in owning a wig.
Even though I need one, I don’t want one.
Instead, a wig salesman’s best bet is to find someone who wants a wig. This could well be someone who already has lots of hair.
So people’s decisions are often motivated – rightly or wrongly – by what they want, not what they need.
This means that trying to persuade by explaining that someone needs something often doesn’t work. It’s better to show your idea helps them get more of what they want:
- “You need to send me your update” is not as effective as “Let’s get this project off your desk as soon as possible. To help me do this, please could you send me your update”.
- “You need to attend that meeting” is not as persuasive as “I want to make it easier for you to make quicker decisions. To help with this, there’s a meeting next week which . . .”
- Instead of “You need to reply to my proposal”, try “To make sure you achieve your objectives as quickly as possible, please can I ask you to hit reply and . . .”
Communicating like this can sometimes feel weird, especially if you’re convinced they do need it. But, communication’s all about the audience, not you. And when people email me saying they “need me” to do something, I’m always tempted to reply (but am yet to do so) with “Well, I need you to learn some manners”.
This chapter’s useful in that it helps explain what motivates people. The next chapter builds on this, by showing what to say, so you actually do motivate them.
