44

When you want to have good two-way conversations

Have you noticed how some people don’t have good conversations? Instead, they take turns to monologue:

Alice: I had a good meeting today. Sally signed off my project.
Bob: I did too. We had the most effective Board meeting we’ve ever had.
Alice: I know what you mean. I was dreading asking Sally. You know what she’s like.
Bob: I know. And our Board meetings always drag on.

At first glance, it looks like Alice and Bob are chatting. They’re not. They’re discussing totally different things.

When we chat, we should – as Dr Stephen Covey said “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. A better approach would be:

Alice: I had a good meeting today. Sally signed off my project.
Bob: Great – tell me what happened.
Alice: I was dreading asking her. You know what she’s like.
Bob: I know. So, how did you convince her?
Alice: Well, I . . . [tells story].
Bob: And how did you feel?
Alice: To be honest, relieved. I . . . [tells story].
Bob: Well done. I had a good meeting today too.

This version is much better. Bob listened to Alice. He responded to what she said, rather than waiting for his turn to speak. She, in turn, is now more likely to show interest in his topic. After all, when both parties listen, both parties benefit.

Which of the two conversations sounds like you? If it can be the former, the good news is that this is one of those important areas that’s quite easy to fix, in that you “just” have to do three things:

1. Talk less: if you’re talking, you’re not listening. So, when you think it’s your turn to speak, remember to WAIT, which stands for Why Am I Talking?
2. Ask more: when someone says something, rather than giving your point of view, ask questions to uncover more.
3. Remember to do it: this is the hardest – partly because the first two aren’t hard, but mainly because it’s hard to remember when it matters in a conversation. To help with this, you can:
when talking on the phone, write “Ask” or “WAIT” in big letters on your notepad; and/or
insert a weekly diary reminder called “Which meetings shall I ask more/talk less in this week?”

And, of course, you can tell when it isn’t working, because a conversation won’t be going as planned.

When this happens, simply ask yourself “Am I talking too much/asking too little?” If so, start asking the other person to explain what they’ve just said, to give more detail etc. You’ll find the benefits of doing so far outweigh the problems if you don’t.

c44-fig-5002

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