Chapter 8

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Positivity

How to nurture a positive attitude when all the statistics say you’re a dead man? You go to work.

— Patrick Swayze

It has been said that one of the most important personality characteristics of an entrepreneur is the understanding that failure is part of the game, and going to work anyway. Among some of the other commonly shared traits of successful businesspeople, labeled by Entrepreneur magazine as the “Seven Traits of Entrepreneurs,” are tenacity, the willingness to start from square one (without being compelled to jump off a bridge), passion, vision, self-belief, tolerance for ambiguity, and confidence.¹ Quite lofty attributes, no doubt, especially all at once, but that’s the goal. How do we acquire these traits? What drives them? How are they nurtured, and, even more difficult, how can they be sustained? Anyone who has been in business in one form or another has questioned the presence of these characteristics, doubted themselves, and cursed their ideas. But then they move on, they persist and pursue, and that resilience, that kind of strength, is the quality I personally appreciate most and why I love working with businesspeople as much as I do. It is what makes entrepreneurs both enigmatic and familiar.

There were times when I questioned my ability to continue, when I became so tired emotionally and physically from the ever-present feeling of defeat that I thought perhaps all of my qualities that helped me build my business were a figment of my imagination.

When my mom needed care and was dying, my priorities and commitments clearly had to shift. I had been a long-distance caregiver for my mother for seven years, but when she took a turn for the worse, my presence became necessary, and off I went to Las Vegas. I had a hard time keeping up with my work commitments, family ties, and the extremely fatiguing and frustrating process of navigating the medical and insurance red tape. I was worried and scared on all fronts—for my mother, for my livelihood, for my clients, and for my personal relationships. I remember one particular moment driving my mother around in my rental car, which would not cool off in the 110-degree desert heat, no matter how high I blasted the AC. My mother had recently suffered a diabetic seizure and was not in the best of moods, and I was in search of a higher level of care for her needs. My mind was reeling. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Crying, I called my partner Steve and lost it.

We all have similar stories. One day we are up on our feet, standing strong, invincible, and energized, and then…life happens. Every day life happens, filled with triumphs and tragedies, sick parents and needy children, cash flow problems, product recalls, cancelled orders, dried-up business—it’s a ubiquitous wave, and we either ride it or we wipe out.

After I threw my fear-ridden tantrum, I hung up the phone and surprisingly found myself already recovering, looking up at the crest of the wave and deciding I wanted back up. You see, I come from a long line of worriers. It’s in my DNA to worry about things that I can’t control, and to focus on the future so much that I miss out on the happy little moments of the present. I recognized early enough in my career that if I wanted to succeed in business (and frankly, in life), my worry-wart disease needed to be inoculated. With what? Positivity.

And as it turned out, the hard work of finding positivity and keeping it constant in my life also enabled me to embolden the seven other necessary characteristics mentioned by Entrepreneur magazine. I knew that without staying positive, I wouldn’t have the wherewithal to continue, to press on, to engage and think, create, and believe in myself and my clients. I needed an attitude adjustment and decided to turn the notch up all the way up to positive. Having a positive attitude doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s a choice I make, and a commitment I keep to myself because I have seen its magic in action. In the introduction of this book I shared my story of being bedridden and the kindness my coach showed me. When you witness that kind of loving-kindness, that kind of connection with another human being, it is impossible not to be shot with a healthy dose of positivity. And once I experienced that high, I wanted more, and now I am addicted to that kind of positivity. It had changed my life once, for the better, showing me the silver lining when it was raining down self-pity. With my mother’s life on the brink, I remembered that I had been blown over before, so I trusted I could bounce back yet again. Today, practicing that type of positivity continues to shape my life in forms that I could never imagine.

Admittedly during my brief lapse into panic mode in Las Vegas, I had veered a little from my commitment of positivity, but just like any good habit, it came right back to me. Be positive! We are going to create a solution for this, I thought. This proactive mindset has been my biggest reward from positivity. Being positive takes me out of reactivity and into productivity. We are going to create a solution for this. This becomes so empirically evident to me, once I conjure up my positivity, I feel empowered.

When we worry and feel the fear of not being in control, we react. It’s a biological urge that is fueled by hormones. Fight or flight are two reactions, and let’s face it: We are toeing that fine line on a daily basis in business. Ironically, the rush of adrenaline is part of what we crave, but if we let it take us over, we lose productivity along with all the other qualities we need to keep consistent in our life. Really, being reactive does nothing.

Reactivity is what led me to scream over the phone to Steve. It’s what made me have words with my mother and siblings. It is what made me feel as if I should shut down my business after my legs were broken. Reactivity is a cancer to communication, connection, compassion, flexibility, gratitude, and generosity. Reactivity eats away at kindness, and in order to counteract its insidiousness, we must be positive.

Yes, easier said than done, but truly it all begins with just a thought. As I remained sweaty and tired in the car with my mother, I changed my thoughts: I am going to get more clients, my cash flow will come back, Mom is going to be okay, the air conditioning will start cooling down this car. Strangely, it did cool down because I had cooled down.

Water Up, Fire Down: The Science of Positive Energy

She’s got a fire in her belly, he’s cool-headed. These aren’t just sayings; these are truths that make positivity worth practicing. One of the principles of positive energy is known as Water Up, Fire Down, which refers to the natural and optimum flow of energy. “Usually when we think of fire, we imagine it going up, like flames. When we think of water, we think of it coming down, like rain. But if we look at the non-visible world, we can see that the opposite also exists,” teaches Ilchi Lee, best-selling author and founder of Power Brain Education.²

Mr. Lee uses the example in nature of the Earth’s water cycle. When the sun produces fire energy it shines down on the Earth, the water energy formed by oceans and rivers rises to form clouds. “This natural flow of energy keeps the system in balance,” writes Lee in his book The Power Brain: Five Steps to Upgrading Your Brain Operating System:

This principle can also be seen in the human body. In the body, the kidneys generate water energy, while the heart generates fire energy. When our body is in a healthy state, warmth from the lower abdomen sends heat to the kidneys, which sends water energy up. This cools the heat in the heart so that fire energy moves downward. When the water energy travels up the spine, the brain feels cool and refreshed. When the fire energy flows down from the chest, the lower abdomen and intestines become warm and flexible.³

When we are stressed, this natural flow of energy becomes disrupted, leading to a heated brain—“a hot head,” as we call those who get carried away by worry. In order for the brain to be healthy, it has to remain cool. “The state of Water Up, Fire Down optimizes brain activity, imparting vitality and the cool wisdom and judgment of a peaceful state of mind,” according to Lee.⁴

Have you experienced the reverse when fire energy moves up while water energy moves down? You get that horrible rush of heat to the cheeks, get a clammy feeling in the stomach, and get a stiff neck and shoulders? When the energy is not positive, you may feel weak-hearted or lethargic, usually both. In this state, many people experience problems with digestion and circulation.

Having a positive attitude to keep your head cool and belly hot requires practice and discipline, but as we have just read, maintaining a positive energy flow will not only help you become less reactive, and therefore more productive in business, it can prevent you from becoming ill.

Positively Peaceful

In my good times and my bad times being positive and saying to myself, Okay I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and do it well, and have a great attitude and stay positive, has made a difference in my life. What you focus on is what you create. I didn’t want to be the person who shuts down when stressed, worried, or challenged. I wanted to practice positivity so that I could keep my state of mind peaceful. No longer did I want to believe I couldn’t solve problems. Being positive requires positive action of some kind. Whether it is a positive thought, breathing, meditation, or a kind act or kind words, positive action stops the inertia that forms when you are stuck in the rut of negativity. Nothing gets done if you think catastrophically. For instance, I really believed I didn’t know what I could do to help my mother, but calling and reaching out to Steve allowed me the room to vent, so that I could free up the real estate in my head for positive self-talk. Then, I experienced a bit more motion when I called a social worker and learned some options available to me. If had stayed in freak-out reaction mode I would never have gotten anything accomplished. Remaining positive is hard, and it’s not a state of mind that I naturally walk around in, but even when it seems impossible to maintain positivity, I remind myself how it always seems to get me to the next level, how it allows me to clear my mind just enough to think about the next thing that needs to be done. I find peace in knowing and trusting that fact. It makes the world a much better place.

My secret to managing a state of positivity is breathing. I could be in the middle of a crisis, in the middle of a disagreement, or in the middle of traffic; deep breathing transcends all kinds of negativity and combats reactivity in the moment. For me, I take four deep, long breaths. Four breaths give me enough time to calm down before I say or do anything regrettable. If I don’t breathe and keep cool, I know that negativity will get my cortisol levels rockin’ and rollin’. But in the four-breath-long pause, I stop for a moment before the moment stops me.

Somewhere in there you possess the seven traits that make you a great entrepreneur and businessperson, but if you try to build them upon one another with the mortar of negativity, your ladder of success will tumble down. You cannot build anything, acquire anything, maintain anything, or bounce back when you are in a mental state of disarray. Creating your own practices of positivity will provide you the peace of mind necessary for success in all your endeavors.

The good news is you could be plagued by the bad habit of harried thinking, like I used to be, or you can teach yourself some new tricks. I asked Sandra Yancey, CEO and founder of eWomenNetwork, her thoughts on keeping a positive attitude, and just like a magnetic leader, she captivated me with her ideas. She describes eWomenNetwork as a value-driven and value-based organization, with one of their core values as “giving first and sharing always.”

It is an act of kindness to be positive toward others and to help others. “My mother always told me, ‘give without remembering and take without forgetting,’” Sandra told me. “We give and we extend kindness in terms of offering positive support in business.”⁵ When I asked her what one of the most important things about fostering a positive attitude is, she said:

I don’t think you can ever underestimate the power of a smile. It can shape not only the other person’s day but your own. I believe that in many ways, your day will go in direct proportion with the corners of your mouth. You have to be kind to yourself as much as you have to be kind to others. When you smile, you tend to see things a little bit differently, and that is an act of kindness that is easy enough to give to yourself.⁶

Sandra knows how hard running a business is, especially one as groundbreaking and successful as eWomenNetwork. She was blunt when she told me that entrepreneurs need to be a little bit gentler and kinder and graceful as they try things. “Not everything is going to work, and our stinkin’ thinkin’ can prevent us from taking the necessary risks that help us move the next step forward to growing our business,” she said. “There is a direct correlation between our mindset and the money we make. It has a lot do to with positivity and self-kindness.”⁷

She explained that positivity includes the kinds of words we use toward ourselves and others. In fact, Sandra said she has found that kindness through positive words creates confidence.⁸ As you are kind to others, you show them you appreciate what they’ve done, you give them the attagirls, attaboys that fuels the fire in their bellies.” Positive communication, according to Sandra, can be maximized and made more effective by taking it out of email or verbal form. “I have been struck by the realization that if I take words of positivity I just said aloud and write them down in a card, the impact of those kind words increases tenfold. The notes I have given over the years wind up on people’s cork boards, a permanent keepsake of kindness.”⁹

We can never underestimate the power and the residual effect of being kind. Confidence gives people the belief in themselves and that gets tied to the effort of going the extra step and doing a little bit more. Being positive makes people feel secure and confident. “The power of feeling confident is that you feel seen, appreciated, and valued. When you give that gift of kindness to others in the form of positivity, that creates a culture that becomes contagious in positivity.”¹⁰ Sandra certainly infected me with her positivity. How can we become contagious so others get infected by it too? Sandra had some great strategies for practicing positivity in her office. “It’s not just about getting the work done, it is about getting the work done in environment that is fun, and reminds you that happiness is a part of the work you do.”¹¹ In order to accomplish this, Sandra says she treats the staff to lunch on the last Friday of every month. She certainly doesn’t have to do it, but she wants to, and she brings lunch to create camaraderie, eating together in the conference room.

It is a simple treat that I believe pays dividends over and over again because people feel appreciated. The consequence of being kind has a lot to do with how people see themselves, see each other, how they perform, how they desire to do better. Huge financial impacts result.

It starts with yourself. Little pebbles build up in our heart. People who are heavy-hearted have an energy of sadness and negativity about them, you can see them physically slumped over. When you are kind to yourself, forgiving of yourself, or whispering praise, you learn to be grateful for what you have and who you are, what you have achieved, and even for what you failed at. There is a correlation between gratitude you have for yourself and the gratitude you have for others.¹²

Sandra also says that keeping a gratitude journal is a way to generate positivity.

Try journaling not just what you are grateful for; journal about the best thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours and just relive it, re-experience it, and notice how that practice alone makes the events vivid and gets you closer in touch with the beauty and kindness and love of life. Some days we need to reach pretty hard and pretty deep, but the fact that we can try to see these things is very important. Then you really see the world, and it’s brighter.¹³

Positively Powerful: When You’re Positive, You Can…

Say No More

I know it sounds like a total contradiction, but have you noticed that the most positive business people are usually terrific motivators? They are magnetic. People want to be around them and want to be led by them. And somehow, they make the word no sound like a tune you want to whistle. I know a business person who is revered and loved by so many people, but according to him, he says the word no 75 percent of the time. When he says no to people, it doesn’t sting, it doesn’t discourage, it doesn’t feel personal. You almost want to thank him for the rejection—except it doesn’t feel like rejection at all. That’s the power of positivity. As leaders we know we need to say no 75 percent of the time minimum, and we can learn to say no more and nicely when we make positivity a personality trait.

Find the Yes

In her best-selling book, A Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life, entrepreneur Bethenny Frankel credits her accomplishments as the reason she learned to be open to new challenges and to all possibilities. Instead of shutting out potential by defaulting to no, she says she comes from a place of yes.¹⁴ Positive people can come from a place of yes more often because they trust. They trust that whatever door closes, saying yes to opportunities, especially the super scary ones, keeps new doors opening. A positive cycle follows: Positivity allows you to find the yes, and finding the yes makes you feel more positive. You learn so much more about yourself when you come from a place of yes, and you come extremely close to your own flaws and limitations.

When you come from a place of yes, you give other people courage. Your staff, colleagues, network, your clients, customers, vendors, the postman—they all feel competent and capable, and that makes them want to be around you, and that is a terrific opportunity to influence and lead. Conversely, when you can’t find the yes, you just make other people miserable. Even if you can’t solve a problem, don’t make it such a negative event. It’s all in the presentation. I recently checked into a hotel at which I am a rewards member. To say I was greeted by the reservation clerk is a far stretch. Let’s just say she looked pissed off at my existence and her own. I asked for an upgrade and she flat-out told me no. I can’t help but associate this person’s attitude with the attitude of the corporation that employs her. All I remember is being denied a request and that I wasn’t helped or assisted at all. When you travel for a living, I can’t afford to be infected by negativity in the very place I am going to rest and have respite. And when your job is to make me comfortable, making me uncomfortable with your no is unforgivable.

Now, if she would’ve smiled, explained to me that I had unluckily checked in the same week as a large wedding party, made a joke and shared a laugh with me, or even gave me a breakfast voucher, I would’ve been happy to hear no. My advice in business and something that I practice a lot is to find the yes, even when you are saying no. I never like to react if someone says something a little harsh to me or makes a request I think I cannot accommodate. What I have learned is you do not have to answer everyone in the moment. You can always say, “Let me get back to you on that.” It keeps things positive and holds off any reactivity that can deter your relationship.

Seek Counsel

That’s right: When you’re positive, you seek counsel. First of all, you probably have a positive network if you practice a positive attitude, and when you are positive, you are productive and look for support when you need it. We aren’t meant to live alone. We are a species that needs the support and bonds of one another. Just like I did with my mother’s tragic situation, you too can reach out and talk to people who are dealing with what you are dealing with. This is why I have coaches and mentors. If something weird is going on, I can call them and say, “Help!”

Resolve Conflicts

Can you tell the truth to others when you aren’t happy about what is going on? It’s great to be positive and I believe in it, but if you need to talk about something it becomes a positive move just to get through it, even if it doesn’t feel good or positive in the moment. Linda Kaplan, who coauthored The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness calls such a delivery a “Yes Sandwich.”

“We encourage people to…say what they feel, but to do it using what we call a ‘Yes Sandwich,’” she told American Express Open Forum. “That might mean telling someone no, but in a way that encloses it in a way that is positive and empowering.”¹⁵ So if a client, a vendor, a customer, and an employee is always messing up in one way or another, start off with a compliment or something you are grateful for. And never use the word but when delivering constructive criticism, lest you destroy the efficacy of your Yes Sandwich. For instance, “Maria, your creativity is invaluable to this company, BUT, you’ve been missing deadlines.” All Maria heard was the negation of the compliment and will walk out of your office believing that you think she sucks. And according to Kaplan Thaler the quickest way to get your walking papers is by putting someone down. “You can’t have a negative vibe in a company where ideas are currency,” she says.¹⁶

Marc Allen, internationally renowned author and president and publisher of New World Library, uses positivity to help him resolve conflicts because it keeps the lines of communications open. In business and in life, there are differences between people, big and small, and when you are positive, you trust in yourself and the other person to find a solution to a dispute. He cuts problems off at the pass using positivity.

I’m getting close to 40 years in this company and twice in my life I’ve been in situations where people got upset with me, but didn’t speak to me. They spoke to lawyers. The first situation, I picked up the phone and heard a rude voice tell me, “I now represent so and so,” and he went on to say that after she had left the company, she wasn’t happy with her severance.¹⁷

Marc answered with something unheard of in the world of litigation. He said he was going to talk to her himself, because she was a friend of his. He didn’t know she felt that way. But the lawyer insisted that he had to get a lawyer himself regardless of their past relationship.

Marc called his friend anyway, and with the positivity that comes from trusting a relationship and knowing how to positively communicate, Marc helped his friend and colleague share her feelings honestly. She told him how she felt, and he listened compassionately. “We settled it right there on the phone, and we were both satisfied,” Marc said.

So the next time he had another person who wanted to go through a lawyer, he knew it would turn something minor into a fight. Marc suggested they work through a mediator instead, who keeps things positive and encourages the partnership model that he so much believes in and uses in his own business. “Our mediator chose mediation because it is a system not based on struggle and conflict—a win-lose battle—but on a respectful model that results in win-win. We each made a list of what we wanted and we both got what we wanted on the list.”¹⁸

That kind of positivity makes a very drawn-out and stressful situation tolerable. Positivity removes the drama and the tension because it isn’t ego-based, and in the end, everyone stands taller with their pride, morals, and core values intact. What Marc shared as the result of positivity is we do not veer from our integrity just to win, and we all feel a little bit better about ourselves and each other in the long run. Nobody likes to believe they had to stoop below their level just to prove something.

Get Rid of Toxic People

When you’re positive you know that being around negative people is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes no matter what kind of mediation or positive communication you adhere to, you still can’t work with some people.

I have a toxic history, and I don’t want to repeat it. I must remind myself I can’t control everything, especially other people. Clients will be not positive all the time, but I have learned to deal with the situation the best way I can by leading with positivity. And that might mean telling them how I feel about the situation or behavior and then choosing to no longer work with that person. Positive people need to be surrounded by positive people, so positivity in the long run makes you hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive to whom you do business with.

I recently had an email correspondence with a woman who was very nasty. From the words she chose to the accusations and assumptions she made, the whole letter was filled with contempt and reeked of misery. My partner, Steve, wrote her back, simply stating “You don’t need to be reacting in this way.”

Sometimes you have to “know when to hold them and know when to fold them,” as Kenny Rogers famously sang. We folded the relationship that day, while holding on to my dignity. When people are being unreasonable, you don’t have to deal with it. You don’t have to deal with negativity.

Positive Communication

What is it about a person that leaves you smiling and walking with a pep in your step? Most likely they are positive communicators, genuinely exuding that they respect you and are interested in you.¹⁹ When doing business with anyone, we should be aware of how well we communicate. Are we connecting? Are we clear and concise? Are we in partnership? Here are some quick and dirty tips you can use to make sure you click with people in ways that are authentic and lasting.

1. Paraphrase and summarize. After a person finishes talking, let them know you really heard them by repeating back to them what they said.

2. Use people’s names. I know so many people who proclaim “I am so bad with names!” Well, that is not an option in business. You must remember everyone’s name and then use it when speaking to them. On the receiving end, I have found hearing my name or seeing it in the middle of a sentence snaps me back to attention, and I feel as if the person is really trying to engage with me. Instead of “Thank you for coming,” try, “Mrs. Smith, thank you for coming.” It just feels completely different to say it and hear it.

3. Smile. In Ron Gutman’s book Smile: The Astonishing Power of a Simple Act, I learned that we can detect smiles at double the distance from which we can distinguish other facial expressions.²⁰ We gravitate toward people who are smiling. That’s because of the hormone called dopamine. The level of dopamine that is produced from one smile is equivalent to the dopamine level produced by 2,000 chocolate bars. Dopamine is also the neurotransmitter of addiction, which is probably why we feel happier after we leave a smiling happy person. Did you ever have your mood changed just by seeing a smiling friend meeting you through the doors of a restaurant? To be an impactful leader and businessperson, get your clients, customers, and staff addicted to you simply by smiling, even when you don’t feel like it. Brain science shows us that we can trick our brains into thinking we are happy, even when we are not, by forcing a smile. Smiles change our moods and change other people’s moods. To keep from crying, smile. The whole world with smile with you.

4. Look at people when they are talking. If you want to annoy someone and completely turn someone off, stare at your phone while they are talking to you. Nothing frustrates me more than talking to the crown of someone’s head. I usually shut down and stop talking. And the bad taste in my mouth stays for a while. In fact, I’ve had people recognize they’re not looking at me, apologize, and put their phone away, but I still have a hard time getting back to connecting.

5. Mirror body language. Body language experts report that we are more likable to people and can connect more deeply when we mirror the body language of another person. Nicholas Boothman, author of How to Connect in Business in 90 Second or Less calls this “synchronizing body language.” “For one day, synchronize the overall body language of the people you meet,” Boothman writes. “This is the fastest way to build trust and communication…. We naturally synchronize our tone of voice and body language with our friends and people we trust.”²¹ Further, Boothman says that the synchronization of our voices and body language sends a message of “I am with you. I’m on the same page now.”²² When on the phone, synchronizing your voice is a great strategy for connection.

Positive Leadership

General positivity keeps me buoyed. And anyone who practices positivity knows it is not easy to keep it consistent in one’s life. For me, when I am feeling depleted and need some inspiration, I go into nature. When I am feeling down, I go inward. I don’t answer the phone or check email. Instead, I know the warning signs of when I need to practice some of that self-care Sandra Yancey spoke of earlier in the book. I try to exercise, walk, and do anything that keeps me in a positive space, maybe even engaging in uplifting events and keeping positive company. To me it is not a choice, because it isn’t an option to be negative. What’s the point of anything if you just walk around in bitterness and upset? And being negative all the time will repel your customers, your staff, and your vendors. They will not support you, connect with you, or be compassionate toward you. You will destroy what you are trying to build.

When I spoke to Lindon Crow, president of Productive Learning, he reminded me of the term “spheres of influence.” We cannot influence anyone without positivity. Lindon knows this to be true because, since 1992, Productive Learning’s mission has been to help people develop their innate ability to create and live the life they truly want. They do this by providing interactive experiences in which they discover and nurture the necessary thinking to see what else is possible. And what is possible is only noticed when you are positive and finding the yes in all things.

“I am sure you understand the idea of spheres of influence,” Lindon told me. “My goal is to influence my staff so much that they can influence their clients or prospective clients. Regarding myself, I think: How am I coming across to my staff so that it is leaving an impact on them so they can impact the clients they are bringing in or maintaining?”²³

Lindon recognizes the power of our attitudes on others and how contagious our moods are. When managing people, there are many moving parts, and lots of questions, personalities, and challenges all coming at you. This can become a slippery slope that sends you either down the path of negative reactivity or positive proactivity. Says Lindon,

I can take requests and questions in two ways: One is to become irritated and think of the request as a burden, as a drain, and make decisions coming from that place. Or I can present myself in a way that leaves some type of impact on my staff, which in turn has a similar impact on their clients. What I understand is that it is not so much how am I benefiting from this positivity directly, but how am I giving it out to my clients and my staff and what is that behavior then pushing out into the world? If you are pushing something out that is attractive, of course, there will be some type of return to your bottom line.

As a leader, the way in which I walk into the door has an ability of leaving a trail of carnage or a trail of inspiration and motivation. My goal is to inspire my team to lead the lives they see as part of their mission, drive, and passion. If I can do that by living out mine, which my own personal values are—respect and a place of safety—then I believe they can foster their own missions. If I can foster my employees’ mission of kindness by offering them safety and respect, then I can inspire them to bring out the best in themselves, and if they do that, I know the influence they will have on our clients and their ability to meet the needs of our clients. And that will start our cycle of growth and our cycle of a currency of kindness.”²⁴

John Kotter and James Heskett conducted an 11-year study to see if there were any financial benefits to companies that used random acts of kindness in workplaces; the kind of acts that are centered on positivity, gratitude, respect, and fun. What they found was that when employees receive this kind of leadership and work in a culture of positivity, revenue growth was six times greater than companies devoid of this culture, and stock appreciation became 10 times greater.²⁶ Lindon’s description of his company’s culture seems to correspond with these findings.

I think the culture and the morale of my employees and my team demonstrates whether or not we are on and creating the outcomes that we want. For instance, when the team feels distracted or there are changes being made and they are not sure of the outcomes or they’re not happy with the results, their attitudes and feelings are going to be put forth toward our clients. That I know will not have good returns toward our business. It is a daily watch: Are we living out the daily goals, and if not, what are the things we need to do to get back into that head space? But when kindness can be blended throughout the company on a daily basis, whether through acknowledgment, praise, respect, or creating the areas for safety, I know our ability to create and manifest our business goals and our own personal goals jumps extraordinarily.²⁷

The Paradox of Positivity (Especially in Business)

At the very least, I hope this chapter acted as a pep talk, because I know in business, we all need one daily, if not hourly. We are in a precarious situation when we begin our business journeys, and we are often challenged as we try to expand our endeavors and go bigger and better. Our necks are stuck out there, and we feel it: Vulnerability and the fear of failure live in our hearts and in our heads. Sure, we’re positive and we practice self-kindness, but the threats are still all around us. That’s not negative thinking; that is reality. What I want to end this book with is something that is quite helpful to me when I want to come from a place of yes, a place of positivity and keeping the doors of opportunity open: Stockdale’s Paradox. I honestly don’t remember where or when it was that I first stumbled on this term, but it impacted me greatly. It was named after James Stockdale, an admiral in the United States military, who was held captive during the Vietnam War. For eight years, the admiral was tortured and wasn’t left with any indication that he would survive and ever go home to his family. But he famously told Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end.”²⁸

Where’s the paradox? Admiral Stockdale told Jim Collins that he trusted in the unforeseen future, but his fellow prisoners who practiced the utmost optimism were the ones who died in captivity. “And they died of a broken heart,” he told Collins.²⁹

What Stockdale’s Paradox teaches is that when we are up against a wall and we need to muster some of that positivity necessary to feed all the other traits we need to maintain, we must approach our adversity with acceptance of the reality of our situation. To put it bluntly, positivity is not about throwing around optimism. Optimism like that prevents us from sticking our heads out of our shells; it’s false hope. Positivity, however, gives us the strength to look at the most dismal circumstances, and rather than pulling our heads into the sanctuary and darkness of our protective shells, we find the solutions for survival. Jim Collins and his research team noticed the same kind of mindset in companies that went from good to great, writing, “You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time…you must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality.”³⁰

This brings us full circle back to the Patrick Swayze quote I chose to open this chapter with. No matter what, how good or bad, when the odds are against us, we keep going to work. It’s what we do.