Chapter 2

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Connection

It takes teamwork to make the dream work.

— eWomenNetwork motto

Within the word kindness is the word kin. “Kin” means there is a relationship between people, indicating a group is made up of the same kind. Kin is the word to use when you want to describe people who are connected. In business, you can’t have kindness without connection, or connection without kindness. The fact is we are kindred spirits in business.

The human species is designed to be in sync. We move to the rhythm of others, mirror the actions and moods of others, gravitate toward likeminded peers, and align with people who have the same sense of humor, beliefs, and values. When we are with people who are like us, we feel comfortable. Or as Nicholas Boothman aptly wrote in his book How to Connect in Business in 90 Seconds or Less “When you say, ‘I like you,’ chances are that what you are really saying is, ‘I am like you.’”¹

However, connecting in the business world is very different than the manner by which we connect in our personal lives. For the most part, in our personal lives we have the freedom to choose our friends, to identify ourselves through familial bonds, and join groups with people who share our hobbies and interests. When it comes to business, we are well aware that we can’t dismiss colleagues or kick clients out, tell off the boss or choose our cubicle mates. We can choose our friends outside the office, but in the office we get what we get. We can’t click with everyone, so in some instances we might need to learn strategies to help us get along, and there are ways to enjoy some very rewarding connections with our business cohorts, even if we don’t particularly like them. For instance, we can connect simply based on the fact that we are invested in the mission of the same business or that we have a passion for our chosen domain.

No matter what, connection is vital in business and comes in many forms. The people who get ahead know how to understand others. They are usually quite compassionate and empathetic to the plights of others, giving them the ability to really get to know and even anticipate another person’s motivations, thoughts, and actions. And what research has revealed about compassion and empathy in the workplace is that people enjoy it and relish in it, and are fueled to act similarly toward others. Beyond connection fostered through compassion and empathy, we can connect in a number of ways.

We connect with a company’s mission and brand, and hope to attract customers and staff who are also strongly connected, or engaged, with what we stand to accomplish. Connection also happens in the workplace, between colleagues, departments, and vendors, which establishes a common purpose and loyalty, even if everybody can’t be best friends. Additionally, an engaged workforce is directly linked with a positive customer experience: driving sales and revenue, improving the reputation of a company, and increasing performance. Then there is the all-powerful connection with our customers. Even if we never meet our customers personally, we can connect with them by intimately knowing who they are, investigating what they need, observing how they change and behave, and asking the right questions in order to ensure our business stays relevant and provides quality and satisfaction. Last but not least is our professional network and how we connect with other entrepreneurs and business leaders in order to extend our networks and gain prospects, new opportunities, and industry support.

It has been estimated by some experts that 15 percent of our financial success comes from our knowledge and skills, while 85 percent of financial success is born out of our ability to connect with other people.² That’s because when we connect, we create a relationship of trust and respect, and those are the kinds of relationships that enjoy longevity, consistent support, positive feedback, and word of mouth. These are benefits that I have been personally and professionally privileged to receive through my longstanding, active memberships to networking organizations like CEO Space and eWomenNet-work. Berny Dohrmann, who we will get to know in the chapter on generosity, founded CEO Space more than 20 years ago, embracing his vision for entrepreneurial collaboration. Similarly, Sandra and Kym Yancey founded eWomenNetwork in 2000, and today add hundreds of new members monthly and produce more than 1,500 women’s business events annually through 118 U.S. and Canadian chapters.³ In fact, the organization is the largest women’s business event company in the world. Sandra and Kym know that connection through a dynamic community of women business owners and professionals is the most effective way to promote one’s knowledge, talents, products, and services.

“eWomenNetwork exists to help women and their businesses to achieve, succeed, and prosper,” Kym Yancey, co-founder, president, and chief marketing officer of eWomenNetwork told me in an exclusive phone interview. “If you were to ask some people, ‘What does it mean to network?’ they will tell you it’s about getting something from someone—an opportunity, a lead, a connection. We, on the other hand, lead with kindness. Networking is about giving and sharing. Nothing is stronger in our opinion than the kindness of giving to someone. Transparency, authenticity, and teamwork are our core values.”⁴

The connections for which the eWomenNetwork has been responsible due to its core values has not only connected professionals to one another, to prospects, and to clients, they have connected nonprofits to funding. Through their generosity and philanthropic spirit, eWomenNetwork has given more than 100 cash grants to small but important nonprofit organizations that wouldn’t otherwise get noticed to receive funding. One of their mottos is “Lift as You Climb,” and this philosophy is embodied in the scholarships and mentoring young emerging leaders receive. The mentoring is truly magical; older women act as wings of support, lifting the younger women as they climb.

“I think kindness is like a lubricant to us,” Kym said. “When you bathe your actions and your interactions and the intention behind what you are doing with kindness, no one will ever accuse you of being too kind. Even when you give to someone else, he or she receives it, but as the giver, you receive it twice as much. You get the good feeling and the sense that you are a good human being. Your internal spirit feels uplifted that you are good human being on this planet.”⁵

We all want to make money, but we need to be good people first. When you establish a vibe of emotional connection it drives people to your business.

Social Networking Is Sensible Business

Professional networking organizations like eWomenNetwork and CEO Space are invaluable resources when it comes to connecting and sustaining relationships with professionals, but so is social media. In fact, some experts have found that the number-one social media network for employment purposes is Facebook. The following list contains other interesting stats regarding employment and online networks.

1. Ninety-four percent of recruiters currently use or plan to use social media for recruiting.

2. Use of social media led to a 49-percent improvement in candidate quality over candidates sourced only through traditional recruiting channels.

3. Seventy-three percent of millennials (18 to 34 years old) found their last job through a social network.

4. Seventy-three percent of recruiters report that they have hired someone through LinkedIn.

5. LinkedIn users performed 5.7 billion professionally oriented searches.

6. Candidates sourced from social networks were rated by 59 percent of recruiters as “highest quality.”⁶

The Connection Culture: Attachment and Engagement in the Workforce

We know that humans require bonding to survive and thrive. In Chapter 1, we discussed how Abraham Maslow theorized that working together harmoniously is a basic human drive, a survival need. Additionally, John Bowlby, an English psychologist, believed that our emotional bonds are as necessary to our survival as food and water. Bowlby’s work focused on attachment theory, specifically on the study of how infants bond with their parents, what conditions need to be present for proper attachment to occur, and what happens when attachment doesn’t happen.

According to Bowlby, the attachment system in an infant alerts him to consider whether his mother (or attachment figure) is in his proximity, if he can get to her easily, and if she is tending to him. If the infant perceives these things to be true, then the child feels secure, confident, and loved. He feels connected and therefore likely to explore his surroundings, socialize with others, and take more risks. On the other hand if the child feels these conditions are not present, he experiences anxiety and is likely to disengage and experience despair and even depression.⁷

When we are attached, we are connected and engaged. If we compare my explanation of infant-parent attachment theory to the workplace, it becomes clear how a workforce that is connected to a company’s mission, product, or service, would be more productive, innovative, and happier. Too many of us either know someone or have personally been disconnected from work, and therefore felt depressed, anxious, and full of dread. When we consider these realities, our act of instilling connection is an act of kindness, because we show our colleagues and clients that we care about their basic human drive to connect. In sharing that need we become kin, because emotional connection is what we want too.

“Workforce engagement” is yet another one of the buzz terms of the business world, but it shouldn’t be reduced as such. Engagement makes or breaks a company. Workforce engagement has been defined as “the outcome organizations achieve when they connect employees both professionally and emotionally with the organization, the people in it, and the work they do.”⁸

According to Gallup, disconnected and disengaged employees cost organizations productivity, innovation, and ultimately lots of money—approximately $250 to $300 million in the United States alone.⁹ In their book The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite, Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work, Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer looked at a number of businesses ranging from entrepreneurial startups to large, established organizations and found that people’s productivity and creativity surged when they experienced more positive emotions. Positive workplace interactions also improve employee health!¹⁰ Emma Seppala’s research led her to discover that employees who experience interpersonal connections in the workplace had a lower heart rate and blood pressure along with a stronger immune system.¹¹ Adam Grant, author of Givers Take All: The Hidden Dimension of Corporate Culture, reports that Philip Podsakoff’s studies show “…frequency with which employees help one another predicts sales revenues in pharmaceutical units and retail stores; profits, costs, and customer service in banks, creativity in consulting and engineering firms, productivity in paper mills; and revenues, operating efficiency, customer satisfaction, and performance quality in restaurants.”¹²

According to Gallup, companies that engage their employees and their customers experience a 240-percent increase in performance-related results. Disengaged employees cost the United States about $450 to $550 billion annually.¹³

Positive social connections increase business success on all levels, so how can we create a connected culture to ensure we connect with our team members while connecting them to our mission, brand, and each other on a daily basis?

1. Communicate to your employees what your company does for the world to make it a more positive place and let your employees understand their place in contributing to the company’s mission. According to a Harvard Business Review study, 95 percent of employees do not understand how their daily actions add to the strategy planned by the executive team.¹⁴ As Suzy Welch says, leaders need to become Chief Meaning Officers. They must show employees how their work connects to the company’s mission and what they get out of it. A study found that when managers in a call center highlighted how the company’s products and services make a difference, employee productivity increased by 28 percent every shift!¹⁵

Marie-Claire Ross, founder of Corporate Culture Creator, has seen great leaders take the time to really define their organization and to continually communicate that and keep it fresh. “They use stories, metaphors, and visual cues to help employees feel, hear, and see their future. Emotion matters in every type of business, and the more sensory interaction in the employee experience, the better.”¹⁶

To emotionally connect your workforce you need to communicate the meaning behind the work to make team members feel stimulated and goal-oriented. If not connected with the meaning of their work, the attachment bond breaks down, and that means frustrated, confused, and insecure employees, which dwindles engagement and efficiency.

2. Keep people challenged. Challenging work is important to employees. They want to feel as if they are growing through their work, not withering away. Providing challenging work pushes people to go higher and to want to do more. This translates into a strong worker who isn’t afraid to think outside the box, feel trusted, and inspired to innovate.

3. Give people your attention.¹⁷ This is easier said than done, for sure. But does a person who is spewing out orders without even looking you in the eye motivate you to get the job done? What if you wanted to pitch an idea to the boss, but she kept looking at her emails and answering phone calls while you were talking? You might as well just give up. When people feel ignored, dismissed, or generally unimportant, they will not go the distance for you.

4. Foster autonomy. When people feel they have the leverage to solve problems, they feel connected to the company because they take ownership. When people are owners, they connect to the corporation because they don’t look at it any longer as a place they work at; it is no longer separate from them, because the work is theirs. Things also get done much more quickly when employees have decision-making power.

5. Be seen more.¹⁸ Mingle in the break room, buy lunch on the first Friday of the month and eat together in the conference room, or show up for birthday wishes over cupcakes. Avoid becoming the enigmatic boss and enjoy being part of the team. Ask questions such as “How are you” and “Do you have plans over the weekend?” This kind of talk might sound small, but it reaps big rewards. You will notice people approaching you more easily and keeping the lines of communication open, which is a necessity for connection.

Second that Emotion

Emotionally connective workplaces are in demand. With just a few clicks of the computer, people can find out how high a company rates as a good place to work. A Fortune study showed that 56 percent of employees will evaluate whether they want to work at a company based on its reputation for being a great place to work.¹⁹

And with Millennials entering the workforce, it is certain the emotionally connected workplace is here to stay. It has been widely reported that this generation doesn’t just work for money, as their parents do, and aren’t interested in a fat paycheck to acquire material things.

Instead, they are focused on making an impact socially and professionally and ensuring that their employer’s ethics and practices are in line with their personal beliefs and goals. According to a 2014 survey by Nielsen, 67 percent of participants said they would prefer to work for a socially responsible company. Similarly, purpose-oriented employees are 54 percent more likely to stay at a company for more than five years and 30 percent more likely to be high performers.²⁰

According to Marie-Claire Ross, who teaches business leaders how to make positive shifts in their workplace cultures, there are four areas through which leaders can instill personal meaning and a sense of purpose in their team members:

1. Tell them the purpose of what you’re doing or changing (how your product or service improves people’s lives).

2. Tell them where the company is going (how the world will look and feel like).

3. Tell them how the company is going to get where it is going (what needs to be done).

4. Tell them what’s in it for them (employees get autonomy along with a sense of achievement).

Writes Ross, “It’s also imperative that leaders continuously frame the context around all outcomes including the setbacks and successes. They understand that success breeds success in the same way that failure breeds failure.”²¹

Products and services that sell well are the ones that emotionally connect with their customers, so our goal should be to create a work environment that connects to employees. If you have read any of the books about iconic businesses like Google, Southwest Airlines, Starbucks, and Facebook, you are aware of the long line of applicants dying to work there. So companies that establish emotional connection to customers also happen to be connected to its employees.

The Connected Leader

How does attachment play out at work? If workers feel valued, heard, and safe, they are more productive. People often choose to work for a company for less pay in order to be in a supportive and fulfilling work environment. Pulling together all of her education and experience, a Harvard MBA, a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, a Bachelor of Science from Parsons School of Design, and a member of a blended family, Trevor Crow has developed a world view on the importance of relationships. A coauthor of the book Forging Healthy Connections: How Relationships Fight Illness, Aging and Depression, she has written extensively on attachment and how companies can show they value employees and acknowledge them. Crow dives deeper into attachment and leadership, referring to psychologist Mary Ainsworth’s attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and chaotic. It is through the “attachment lens” that Crow helps us see that the attachment style of management can have an effect on the workplace. In her article “Workplace Leadership: Emotional Connection Leads to Higher Employee Productivity,” she offers the following definitions of leadership attachment styles.

1. Secure: Shares power. Excellent mentors. Solve problems with team approach. Addresses emotional underpinnings of situations.

2. Anxious: Can’t share power. Micro-manages projects, fears mentoring.

3. Avoidant: Can’t connect emotionally to employees. Goal-oriented and project-focused.

4. Chaotic: “Come to me, go away” leadership style. May react kindly or nastily.²²

We must be secure leaders in order to have secure workers, and in that security lies connectivity. While figuring out our own attachment style, which is something we develop through nurturing as children, is beyond the scope of this book, it is important to be aware of how we lead, especially when stressed, and to understand that we fit into these styles. Awareness is key when it comes time to take a hard look at what we are doing wrong and what we can do better. Management is tough business, certainly not something that comes easily to everyone. Perhaps by viewing leadership through this special lens of connection—how deeply and emotionally you connect—will help you begin to instill the connection culture that makes the currency of kindness so valuable.

Connections With Your Customers and Clients

I have had the luck and opportunity to be a published author four times, and still the publishing world is quite enigmatic. Anyone who has written a book, or has thought about doing it, is familiar with the arduous process of finding an agent and then a publisher. Each one of my books, Get Noticed, Get Referrals; Networking Magic; Guerrilla Publicity; and of course, this book, were pitched to many publishers via a sales tool called a book proposal. A book proposal is like any other business plan, except much longer. The document is basically a conversation starter, a means to open a dialogue about what you are “proposing” to write and why the publisher should support it. In the publishing industry, the proposal is the first means of making a connection between an author and an editor. The way I went about pitching my book is no different than how you will pitch yourself and your business to your customers.

First, put yourself in your customers’ shoes. They have limited time, limited funds, and limited attention, so what about you or your business is so appealing that it would make them forego those things and hire or buy from you? This is especially true when your product or service is not a necessity like toilet paper. When proposing each one of my books, I would put myself in the publishers’ position: In an industry more crowded than ever and at a time when marketing and selling books is tougher than ever, why would a publisher dare spend a dime to pay me to write a book? With all the books they have published in the past, and the ones to come in the future, why this book? Why should they expect to sell this one, this year? And to whom will they sell? And why am I the right person to write a book about any of the topics I have written about? I had to ask myself these questions in order to refine my message, which ultimately led me to connect with the concerns of publishers, which then enabled me to successfully connect my goal to the goal of the publisher.

In this scenario with the publisher as my customer, I must also consider who my target customer is. Obviously, it would be best to be with a business publisher, as my end reader is likely to be an entrepreneur or corporate business leader. So, am I pitching my book idea to the right customers, or am I wasting precious time and energy pitching editors who don’t publish business books, only to look like I didn’t do my homework? In your business, when you don’t know your customer, and you try to sell to all people, you will look negligent. To know that you are in the right market that is looking for your product or service shows customers you put connection with them high on your priority list, and that means they will emotionally connect with your product. When you go wide, pitching to everyone, you look like you’re in the game solely for profit. Nobody trusts a one-dimensional salesman.

Then, I must consider where my readers look for me and when they look for me and why they are going to choose me. In fact, when it comes to book proposals, these are the most important factors. You too must communicate to your customers that you know where they live, what they need, who they care about, and what they hope for, and because you know these things, you are best suited to help them. This takes time and strategy, but people notice when you put time and hard work into your message, and they will correlate that work ethic with you truly caring about them.

Finally, let your customers know how to engage your services. Letting them know how you want to correspond is very important. Although we would hope that everyone wants to purchase what we have to offer right off the bat, that isn’t usually how sales happen. There is a trust that needs to be established, and the way we build trust is through communication. Do you want them to sign up for your newsletter, call the office, visit your website, or follow your blog? Letting them know how to keep in touch with you will keep you fresh in their minds, so when they are ready to make a purchase, they know how to easily do so.

Connections Within Your Network

Tim Sanders famously said, “Your network is your net worth.”²³ What does he mean by that? He is talking about social capital and how your ability to build and establish connected professional relationships with authentic people is worth more than financial capital. It means that if you squared the number of people in your network, it would equal your net worth. If you have 100 people in your network, your net worth is $10,000, and so on.

Beyond the dollar signs, there are a host of reasons that connecting with your network is a secret to success. I speak about connection and teach it in my speaking engagements. Connecting with your network will result in more referrals, prospects, and work, for obvious reasons. However, your network will also keep you staying positive and proactive. It helps you solve problems and expand your ideas, and generally brings you joy through camaraderie. We’ll talk much more about the personal and professional value of your network in the chapter on positivity. Now let’s spend some time talking about how to connect and stay connected with the professionals in your network.

Getting connected and making connections can seem like a second job. I’ve heard stories of people sinking into the black hole of social media, losing time keeping up with everyone’s news and updating their own. But it doesn’t have to be time-consuming and all-consuming.

How to Connect in a Cinch

The first rule is quality over quantity. Sure, you can’t contact everyone, but you can maximize the short amount of time you have with people in very simple ways. In my book Get Noticed, Get Referrals, I write about the Who Question. “Who do I know who can help me with ABC?” And if you don’t have an answer, follow up by asking, “Who do I know who can introduce me to someone who can help me with ABC?” Our business-life success is based on connection. It is who you know, but it is also who knows you. If you are not out there, you will not be able to get to the people who can get you where you want to go. That is what publicity and networking do: they connect people who know people who wind up knowing you, until you are part of a circle of success.

Rule number two is to always have a card on hand with testimonials on them. It is a great tool and a great connector, because you are bringing your credibility directly to the prospect. Don’t make it a job fit for a private investigator to learn more about you after the meeting is over. I learned through CEO Space to keep a postcard with my photo, contact information, and testimonials—a portable billboard. Even if they don’t visit my website or look elsewhere, I am confident they have all they need to know in the palm of their hand.

The next rule is to know your request. People are busy. Whether at a trade show or a luncheon, a networking event or workshop, you don’t have time to waste playing guessing games. Be prepared with a script. Know your request and how you are going to request it. So many people go into events not having a clue as to what they are asking for. This prevents a connection from happening. In fact, knowing how to communicate what you want quickly is something that is appreciated in the world of business, and is a connector in and of itself. This also goes for email communication. Just come right out with it; if you make specific requests, people will be able to help you!

Number four on my list is to keep it simple. Make it easy for people to connect. Give people something as a takeaway, so helping you doesn’t seem like work or a burden to their already full plate. For instance, upon meeting someone, virtually or in person, having that person go to your website is not a good way to connect. If you want someone to like your Facebook page, send them the link. Don’t ask people to do things for you; make it easy for them to do them. If you want someone to connect you with someone else with a specific skill set, ask directly “Who do you know who can help me with ABC?” Or if you have access to their network and can see who is in their network, look for someone with the skill set and after identifying that person, ask if you can be connected. It saves your contact some leg work.

The fifth rule is to have what author Mark LeBlanc calls an advocate strategy.²⁴ The idea is to show support to your advocates, those people who are relentlessly championing you, referring you, and working with you. Once a month I send something to 25 of my top advocates—a fun story or a card thanking them for their continued support. If you don’t have 25, then pick 10. The point is to consistently communicate. Stay top of mind with people by being consistent and persistent in the marketplace. At minimum once a month, your clients need to hear from you. I try to communicate once a week. I feel strongly that you need to vary your methods of connection, though, because people have their preferred methods. Find out how your client most typically connects. It will vary depending on your business. When people register for my publicity crash course, we make a phone connection, but sometimes we go through Facebook and LinkedIn, if that’s how they most frequently correspond. In terms of being flexible, you have to amend your preferred method. And then once the relationship is sealed, you can tell clients how you like to connect. This will facilitate better communication, and communication leads to deeper connection.

Last but not least, keep with your kin and use everything you have when you are with them. It is important to be a part of your own community. Connecting with others based on who you are is one of the most obvious, yet overlooked strategies of networking. There are networking groups and organizations that are dedicated to certain ethnicities, sexualities, religions, and lifestyles. These are the places made up of your people that will support and connect you to your audience and to the right network. Many corporations now have women’s groups to connect women entrepreneurs who understand the nuances of being a woman in business today. Boeing, Hewlett Packard, and UPS have diversity groups as well, all in the name of supporting people in their connections.

The Power of Partnerships

Connection is all about partnerships with customers, vendors, colleagues, and prospects. I sat with Marc Allen, an internationally renowned author, president and publisher of New World Library, which he co-founded with Shakti Gawain in 1977. He has guided the company from a small start-up with no capital to its current position as one of the leading independent publishers in the country. Marc credits kindness through the creation of partnerships as the key to success in his business life. Marc has many claims to fame, one of which is bringing Eckert Tolle, first a Canadian-published author, to the United States. Thanks to Marc, we have been enlightened by important books such as Tolle’s The Power of Now, as well as The Ten-Percent Solution, and Marc’s own The Greatest Secret of All.

As I think about it, the word kindness gets down to the essence of what is important in life. Even Aldous Huxley at the end of this life wrote, “It’s a little embarrassing that after forty-five years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other.” But what he says really gets down to the essence of the partnership model. Working in partnership with each other is so much more important than the competitive model.²⁵

When Marc was first starting his company, he discovered that working in partnership with people is the best way to run a successful business, calling the decision a no-brainer.

You can choose how you look at the world, and as you enter a business, you could look at the world as competitive, or you can choose to look at the world as a wonderful abundant place filled with wonderful people. You can choose to decide to respect everyone and be nice and be kind to everyone and that will make your business thrive.

I don’t worry about any competition because everything I do is unique. I don’t have to worry about the things I publish being up against other things. I don’t have to compete with the big or other really good publishers that I admire and respect, like Hay House and Sounds True. We are working together to launch hundreds of wonderful great new voices into the world and that are changing the world. I love my competitors, because they are not really competitors, but partners of mine.

There is a great Buddhist teaching about the different types of wisdom. One wisdom says “We are all the same, all one.” Then there is another wisdom that says “We are all very different.” They both exist. They both are absolutely true. We have the same desires, needs, chemical structures, the same bodies with the same organs, yet we are all vastly different…unique geniuses. Both of these wisdoms—that we are the same and that we are different—are what connects us. To work in partnership with people, even during disputes, produces a win-win for both parties. Mom was right when she said fighting doesn’t solve anything. Win-win partnerships and mediated conflict resolution are more powerful than any structure that uses exploitation, domination, and conflict.

I remember growing up in the Midwest there was a radio DJ who always signed off saying “And remember, it’s nice to be important, but far more important to be nice.” It doesn’t matter how important or how wealthy you are, at the end of your life, what will be important?²⁶

Connection.