Chapter 4

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Patience

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

— Buddha

When one thinks of patience, major league sports fans do not come to mind, especially when their team is losing. Imagine now what it was like to be a Detroit Tigers fan in 2010, witnessing pitcher Armando Galarraga being robbed of his perfect game—one of the most sacrosanct feats in all of sports—thanks to a bad call by umpire Jim Joyce. However, it wasn’t the missed call, dubbed the worst call of the ump’s decades-long career, that people still remember most; it’s how both men chose to respond to the media frenzy.

After Joyce reviewed the replay, he knew he had botched the call, publicly admitting, “I just cost that kid a perfect game.” Galarraga appreciated the gesture when Joyce asked to see him in the locker room immediately after the game. “You don’t see an umpire after the game come out and say, ‘Hey, let me tell you I’m sorry,’” Galarraga said. “He felt really bad.”¹

This is not to say Gallarraga didn’t blow up in the ump’s face when the bad call was made, but afterward it didn’t take long for Galarraga to forgive Joyce. “I say many times, nobody’s perfect,” Galarraga said. Certainly an ironic statement from a pitcher who had pitched perfectly that day.²

An inspiring simple sports metaphor this is not. Major League Baseball is huge business. With each player acting as his own franchise and corporation, players are only as good as their last seasons. Could such a blatantly bad call, and one that Joyce openly took the heat for, have affected Galarraga’s stock? The answer really doesn’t matter. The fact is: People who do business together, whether on a field or in a boardroom, expect they are getting the best and most accurate work from one another. In this case, Galarraga got less than he deserved and expected, but still had it in him to chalk it up to just being human.

In business nobody is perfect and nothing is perfect. In fact, entrepreneur guru Neil Patel says, “If you wait to start your business until the time is right, the situation is perfect, and the stars are aligned, you will never begin. And then once you do start, nothing goes as planned. Most businesses lurch into life with a rough start and little to no semblance of perfection.”³

This is precisely why one of the main currencies of kindness is paid with patience—lots and lots of it. From dealing with angry customers to forgiving bad calls made by umpires to having the will to continue even after another year in the red, patience is not just a virtue, it is vital to success.

We exude patience, or our lack of it, through our interactions with others, in our body language, our tone of voice, how angry we get, whether we listen well, our tolerance for mistakes, and in the mere determination we muster day in and day out to keep fighting the good fight. Patience is what keeps a sturdy bridge between people; impatience sends connectivity and the bonds we most desire in life toppling down.

It is in the workplace, perhaps more than anyplace else, where our patience is tested with colleagues, subordinates, superiors, and ourselves. The words we speak out of impatience can cause so much harm to human beings and our capacity to do good work. In his book, Patience: A Guide to Peaceful Living, Allan Lokos writes, “The workplace is one area where a person trying to diminish the harmful effects of anger and backbiting chatter can find things tough and chewy, meaning too many mouths spewing too much malice.”⁴

Our lives are lived in relationship with others, which is why many spiritual practices place importance on the way in which we speak to one another. “Probably nothing could improve the quality of our relationships…[than a] greater awareness of the words we speak,” writes Lokos. “This is how we develop skillful speech, a revered quality among wise beings.”⁵

But come on; when someone’s opinions, values, work ethics, or personality, are different from our own, we feel impatient, threatened even, and we tend to lose our cool rather than gain composure. Lokos argues that impatience has a close relationship with anger, which is even more of a reason success in business relies on the practice of patience. It develops the skill of listening with an open mind and heart, and respond in kind. There is much at stake as we strive to meet our business goals, but there is no greater predictor of failure than succumbing to the fear, anger, and lack of control that are at the heart of the loss of our patience.

The Myth of Perfection

One of the many reasons perfection is unattainable is because our desire for it relies on the delusion that we can control things. Although we can control how disciplined we are, whether we dedicate our time to our work, or even how we treat others, let’s face it, controlling the daily goings-on is not just a myth, it’s a pipe dream. Could I control the fact that the signal on my cell dropped while in the middle of a long-awaited consultation? How about when a client decided to terminate our contract a few months early? Or when I had a lunchtime lecture set up with no venue in which to eat?! If I could control everything, then yes, most things would be perfect, but I’ve learned to leave control and its cousin named perfection checked at the door. Next time you find yourself starting to lose patience, take note that it is most likely at the same time you are fearful that you are losing control of a situation. So, then the antidote to impatience must be to simply stop trying to control everything. You know that’s a joke. If you are reading this book, you are a business person, and that means you are fully aware that we aren’t naturally patient. In fact, our impatience and the fast pace in which we think, act, and create is often one of the main reasons we are good at what we do. But the truth is, not everyone is going to meet your pace, and we must develop the patience and understanding that we are who we are, but can’t expect everyone to be just like us!

So at the very least, we need to be patient, and that means finding empathy and compassion for the point of view of a disgruntled client and reacting rationally and immediately. To be patient means to be flexible with people when they are late for a meeting or have to cancel appointments due to sudden circumstances. Patience means we learn to not take things personally and to remember to speak with our heart and not our egos. And, if attacked verbally, people with patience have developed the skills to avoid stooping to a level that is dysfunctional and always futile.

Fear leads to impatience, impatience leads to anger, and anger leads to a really poor business model and lack of leadership. While describing the teachings of Shantidava, the 8th-century Indian philosopher and teacher, regarding anger and patience, Lokos writes “Patience is our ally as we endeavor to undermine the energy of anger.”⁶

I had the honor of speaking with Adam Markel, CEO of New Peaks, best-selling author of Pivot, attorney, husband, and father. He is a man of true self-actualization and who knows the power of skillful speech, and practices it personally and professionally. In fact, I was moved when he told me how he and his company put words of kindness and love to good use. At his events, he says he provides a love ball, on which people write beautiful messages with indelible ink. “The love ball is floating in my pool. All this love writing on it, that was put there as part of a celebration of one of our programs,” Adam told me. “When we are done with events and the love ball is covered with love messages and kind words, the love ball goes to a charity or good cause—maybe a children’s hospital, where people can receive the energy of that kindness, and can feel it and absorb it and maybe be healed by it.”⁷

Practicing Patience

By now, we know the importance of patience, but how do we go about practicing it? Well, it’s going to require effort and it will be difficult to maintain unless we commit and motivate ourselves to keep anger and frustration at bay. Lokos suggests that every day for a week, we sit quietly for five minutes and observe our reasons for wanting to become more patient. He suggests we examine our personal experiences. “Look deeply at what matters to you,” he writes. “Reflect on your relationships, both personal and professional.”⁸

Can you think of times when your impatience might have influenced your staff, customers, or vendors? How does your impatience or anger affect your ability to focus, be efficient, innovate, encourage, and/or inspire those you work with and for?

Lokos reminds us that “Unskillful speech destroys motivation and does not produce better results. People want to feel appreciated. Correcting error with patience and encouragement has consistently been shown to be the most effective approach.”⁹

Try to spend a two-to four-week period working on preventing the damage that can be done by a single burst of anger. Each day, think of the word patience while you are about to engage in your business activity. This exercise is presented by Lokos as a way to repeatedly bring the word patience to mind.

Every time you are about to press the “Send” button on an email, think patience.

Just before you dial the phone, think patience.

While opening mail and reviewing reports, think patience.

When you are asked many questions and expected to have answers, think patience.

When you feel as if you are the only one doing all of the work, think patience.

If you are leaving a voicemail message for the umpteenth time to no avail, think patience.¹⁰

Building a business has never been for the faint of heart. There will undoubtedly be factors, challenges, mishaps, and run-ins that will test your patience on a daily basis. Now that you know how crucial patience is to interpersonal relationships, let’s explore how productivity and patience intermingle. For many entrepreneurs and small business owners, life is very isolating and you don’t feel understood or as if anyone can relate to the stress, anxiety, pressure, or frustrations. The vacuum that many of you operate in spurs lack of control and fear, and that’s when impatience rears its ugly head. In his article “Top 9 Things to Know About Starting Your Own Business,” Neil Patel shares some of the harsh truths about being a business owner.¹¹ I appreciate his candor because, although difficult to hear, being informed and prepared for the realities of business ownership will keep you on the offense and in control, which keeps your patience sturdy. Here are some of the bigger-ticket items that I find likely to test your patience.

1. The looming threat of doom. The overall estimated rate of failure for a business by year five is 50 percent. After 10 years, cites Patel, about 75 percent to 90 percent of small businesses will close their doors.¹²

2. You must coexist with competition. Instead of thorns in your side, competitors can be blessings in disguise, acting as beacons of information, new ideas, pivots, guidance, and support, as long as you have the patience to develop that lens on the relationship. Neil also suggests that competition keeps entrepreneurs from becoming lazy and/or apathetic.¹³

3. You’ll need to be schooled again and again. You began your business or earned that place on the corporate ladder because, well, you knew what you were doing. But at a certain point, we peak and need to have the patience to learn from likely and unlikely sources. There is always something new to learn!

4. You will need funds that you probably don’t have. It is natural to want to give up, especially when the Amex bill goes unpaid, or you haven’t yet paid yourself for the week. If you are seeking financial aid in the form of loans or investors, you will need to armor yourself with patience. Carefully writing business proposals for others to judge will no doubt test your fortitude, and hopefully you can get used to revision after revision, as it is common to be expected to jump through hoops galore. Some people will say they “get it,” and still not want in; others will never connect with your mission, even though it is plain as day (at least to you); and others will be enthusiastic, yet you’ll still walk away without the funds you need. When it comes to making your business work, minimal capital, frequent disconnect, and frustration abound, but practicing patience by being optimistic and trusting yourself will see you through, and then one day, it will happen. Everything will fall into proper alignment.

5. Your face will be bruised from all the doors slamming shut on it. Rejection is not only expected, it is most likely going to dominate your business life—at first. The patience to stay positive, to believe in your business, and to reassess in order to figure out your next move will protect you from damage.

6. You are not going to make everyone happy. Once you develop patience, you will understand that customers aren’t going to come running to your business. You will have to do some hard investigation to figure out your target customer base, and then focus on them. If you expect your doors to open to a rushing crowd like outside Macy’s on the morning of Black Friday, you will be disappointed. Patience to build your business, client base, and patronage will keep you focused, grounded, and moving at a steady pace.

How to Mix a Patience Potion

Patience is like a potion. It’s the main ingredient; however, it requires a few other elements to get it bubbling. In order to make a potent patience potion, you will need to include into the elixir pinches of optimism, humility, and forgiveness.

Optimism

Optimism means you allow things to come your way without forcing it too much or giving up too quickly. Optimism is knowing and trusting that you are going to continue, no matter what, despite the rejection and failure yet to come. Optimism also helps you not focus on the one rejection or negative comment, which we tend to do. It never fails: Instead of being grateful for the 20 five-star reviews I receive on a speech I gave, I lament over that one negative comment. As an optimist, a shift occurs; we are now able to think about our challenges clearly and come up with solutions. In that sense, optimism allows us to create our own reality.¹⁴

Optimism, when done right, helps us see things clearly, enabling us to say to ourselves, “Things will be bad, and we will get through this.” But as we discuss in Chapter 8, Stockdale’s Paradox says optimism can work as long as we are simultaneously confronting the reality of a predicament.¹⁵ In this way, seeing the glass as half full is not the same as looking at life through rose-colored glasses, naive and self-delusional regarding the challenges of being a business owner. When we integrate this kind of realistic optimism into our lives, we resist less, and that makes being patient much easier.

Humility

As a business owner, you are putting yourself out there; this means you are vulnerable and susceptible to negativity. Anybody doing anything bold will be judged, rejected, and criticized. With a large ego, this stuff can be really distracting and detracting from your more important goals. With a humble nature, you will find you take things less personally, and therefore are resilient to negativity.

Additionally, because there is no such thing as the lone entrepreneur, humility enables leaders to be great team builders and team players. Lazlo Bock, Google’s senior vice president of People Operations, says humility is one of the characteristics he seeks in employee candidates. “Your end goal,” said Bock, “is what can we do together to problem-solve. I’ve contributed my piece, and then I step back.” And it is not just humility in creating opportunities for others to make an impact, says Bock—it’s “intellectual humility. Without humility, you are unable to learn.”¹⁶ We can’t know it all, nor can we do it all, and once we accept that, our patience will increase.

Forgiveness

We previously spoke about forgiveness in the chapter on compassion and empathy. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not the offender, and it keeps you from being resentful. To forgive is to let go, and when you practice forgiveness, whether it is self-forgiveness or forgiving a stranger or a close associate, you will find your patience is kept in check. What many people get tripped up on is the idea that the other person has to know we have forgiven them; that there is some sort of confrontation or exchange with the trespasser. Fred Luskin, the author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, says forgiveness is something we can do in our hearts and privately. Deciding on a personal level that we are moving forward without being dictated by the actions of the other person is in itself the act of forgiveness. “Forgiveness helps people control their emotions so they maintain good judgment,” writes Luskin. “They do not waste precious energy trapped in anger and hurt over things they can do nothing about. Forgiveness acknowledges we can’t change the past. Forgiveness allows us not to stay stuck in the past.”¹⁷

By freeing ourselves from negative emotions through forgiveness, it becomes clear how patience is strengthened.

How to Pack Your Patience

Patience is like good health: You can never have too much of it. We can all stand to work on developing more patience. Personally, I have to make conscious efforts every single day to practice patience, which means I have to also be hyper aware of the opportunities to flex my patience muscle. A waiter forgetting to bring my food out after several reminders becomes an opportunity to improve my patience skills. A client who missed our second rescheduled call is an opportunity to turn patience into a professional practice. An internet company that puts me on hold when the Wi-Fi keeps going out is also an opportunity. An important thing to remember is that patience is a skill; we aren’t born with it, but with reinforcement and training, it gets stronger and stronger. Think of it working the same way exposure therapy does for an arachnophobic who surrounds herself with spiders. In order to develop patience, we need to put ourselves out there, in the thick of what tests us most. That’s why I choose to look at all of those annoyances and inconveniences as opportunities, because without them I would never be able to increase my patience threshold. Instead of resisting the bad moments, be grateful for the opportunities to cut your teeth on some pesky interactions. After all, the more you sit on hold listening to Muzak, the more you will be able to tune it out. Long lines at the grocery store become no big deal, and the more traffic you endure, the more acceptance you will have for the fact that the roadwork won’t be done any time soon, so you should just enjoy your satellite radio.

What’s even more critical to remember is that the ability to recognize the situations in which patience will be your only problem-solving source enables you to witness the cyclical nature of patience. Responding with patience is the epitome of kindness. It shows others you are composed, respectful of them regardless of differences, and want to solve a problem without finger-pointing. Founder of Purpose Makers, Ole Kassow, uses the example of a woman offering an old man her seat on a bus to say “Typical thinking would say she’s worse off, but he’s physically and mentally better off, and she’s also better off. All the other passengers witnessing it experience an emotional elevation as well. This why a kindness movement can spread. People get inspired when they see other people do kind things.”¹⁸ So when you practice kindness you can see it benefiting not only you but the other person. That is quite powerful.

I have never known anyone to be punished when acting with patience. In fact, as a customer and patron who has had to complain for various service problems, I have been rewarded for my patience. Most of the time when a manager says “Thank you for your patience,” it is followed by retributions and extra special care. Patience is extremely memorable because, unfortunately, it is so rare.

What I have found is that practicing patience, whether as a business owner or a patron, is a pathway to getting what you want. Patience allows me to seize the moment and ask for what I need. I call it being “patient in action.” You can be patient, but ask the question, “What are you going to do to solve this?” I am able to say, “You’re welcome. Now, this is what I need from you…” We can do this with employees, vendors, and clientele, just as they can do it to us.

An initiative to be environmentally responsible led the parking lot at my local airport to offer free battery charging for electric cars. So, when I return from business trips, I can be sure that the car is all juiced up to take me home—except for that one time when I got off the red eye. I was fuming as the parking attendant broke the news that my car was dead, but somehow I dealt with it patiently. I called Uber to take me home, and the next day I spoke with the owner of the parking group. The owner was patient with me, as he validated my feelings of anger and made me feel heard, and that alone went a long way. He was apologetic and grateful for my patience, telling me to send my receipt for Uber and consider it reimbursed. He also threw in a week’s worth of parking on him. Problem solved, relationship maintained. Most of all, I felt like I mattered.

Similarly, at a new restaurant hot spot, I waited for my dinner for far too long. The party I was with had almost finished their food while I began to feel nauseous from a hypoglycemic attack. After several failed attempts to light a fire underneath the waiter, I went to speak to the hostess. I was angry and not feeling well and was not very impressed with the place, which I had never been to before. The hostess patiently listened and allowed me to vent my frustration, and minutes later, the manager was at my table. He explained that the waiter was new and still training, but it was still no excuse for what happened. The entire tab was covered by the restaurant with his sincerest apologies. We were square, and I felt good about it. And then the restaurant owner came out, which was completely unnecessary, especially since the issue had been resolved, but he wanted us to know that he was saddened that our experience at his establishment was not a positive one, and wanted us to return to give it another try. Therefore we were welcome back any time as his personal guests. Then, he thanked me for my patience and for my willingness to give the hostess feedback about the waiter. Although it’s hard to hear complaints, they are gifts to business owners because criticism allows them the opportunity to tend to glitches and make improvements where necessary. My complaints were going to help the waiter in training, and that was a good thing, the owner told me. By the way, this is also a perfect example of how patience and humility intersect. Because the owner was humble and realistic that he is not above slipping up, he is open to criticism and admitting mistakes. The aplomb, patience, and humility of the hostess, manager, and owner still resonate with me, and not only will I return to the restaurant, I will recommend it to others.

A Note About Patience

Patience doesn’t act like a numbing agent. You will still feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, or inconvenienced. People often mistake the virtue of patience as being synonymous with “unaffected.” What patience does is allow you to experience those emotions without getting emotional. Because your speech (that skillful speech we discussed earlier in this chapter) is not emotionally charged, you become a better communicator of those feelings, a better facilitator of a solution (that is, getting what you need), and even provide better training opportunities to your own staff and the staff of others. You can be patient, but still ask to speak to the people at the top and speak the truth. And if you are the person at the top, patiently taking complaints, the best thing is to respond by saying, “I understand. This must be difficult. Let me see what I can do.” If you are not saying these words or aren’t hearing them, you are not participating in kind and patient business. Ultimately, you will be rewarded with customers’ return business, no matter what the issue is, if they feel engaged in a healthy relationship—that, is being heard, felt, and acknowledged by you.

How to Talk Yourself Off the Ledge

Just when you are making great strides with practicing patience, in walks that guy. The one who is never satisfied, the one who never thanks you for going above and beyond, the one who you wish would fire you already and quit making you feel like garbage. You think you might blow this time. After all, you are human, and you have your limits. You’ve tried the patient route before, but it’s to the point where it feels flat-out toxic to keep doing business with this one. You’re confused. Maybe you should fire him, you think—or maybe not. You decide that while the option to no longer do business with a client is sometimes necessary and fair to both parties, you take your realistic optimism and decide this most challenging patron is offering an opportunity to learn, grow, improve, and build up your patience even further. What can you do to keep from blowing your top when your patience really is at risk? Remember the following thoughts:

1. Business is about relationships. Without relationships, there is no business. And relationships are made of people—very fallible people. And if to err is human, why shouldn’t we expect a few bumps in the road along the way?

2. Don’t shoot the messenger. Usually the effect of whatever happened is not the responsibility of the person in front of you.

3. You reap what you sow. I think to myself, if I go into impatient mode, so will they. What you need least when trying to solve a problem is a complete breakdown in communication.

4. This is an opportunity to give your feedback. “Here’s what I need” is a versatile line, handy for when you need to be patient yet stern with an employee, vendor, or client. The owner of the restaurant might tell the waiter who didn’t service me properly, “It’s okay, but here’s what I need from you moving forward.” Or give feedback such as “You had me on hold too long.”

5. Plan for your non-negotiables. No matter what, some of us just can’t fight the urge to scream over our pet peeves. For me, I can’t stand being put on hold. I have physiological reactions from impatience and anger, so I know I need backup. Be prepared. If you know being on hold is the bane of your existence, ask an assistant to make the call for you and patch you in when the person is on the line. If voicemail overwhelms you, use the option through your cell phone provider to read voicemails instead of listening to them.

6. We learn more from our screw-ups than our successes. It’s tragic, but true. We truly learn more when receiving and giving constructive criticism. Remember: You are providing great training opportunities when you are truthful with someone.

Patience Requires Self-Care

We lose patience a lot more quickly when we are feeling tired, frazzled, stressed, and anxious. In fact, it is impossible to be patient when we aren’t at our peak. I know I have to take care of myself first in order to have the patience to do good business day in and day out. So although the previous tips are practices I have in place, self-care is a much broader and personal approach to maintaining patience.

None of the practices we have in place to protect our patience—self-talk, optimism, humility, and forgiveness—will work if we don’t know how to breathe. Breathing is critical when the blood pressure feels like it is rising or you are preparing for an interaction that you know will be tense. The kind of breathing I practice is called rhythmic breathing. It is a deeper, more disciplined and mindful breathing technique than shallow breathing. The difference is how deeply we inhale and then how we hold our breath before we exhale. According to yoga-for-beginners-a-practical-guide.com, “Rhythmic breathing involves breathing in a fixed rhythmic pattern where ratio of inhalation, retention, exhalation, and retention is of 2:1:2:1. For beginners, count while you breathe in four parts:

1. Inhalation 1-2-3-4

2. Pause after inhalation 5-6

3. Exhalation 1-2-3-4

4. Pause after exhalation 5-6

Simply observe the breath, do not force the breath.”¹⁹

I accompany my breathing with a visualization, using color. The air I inhale is the color blue for calming, while I envision the air I exhale as being green, releasing all the toxins from my body and my mind.

I also try to get out in nature as much as possible. Connecting with the surrounding beauty helps me ground myself in what is important in life, and that usually makes my problems and challenging relationships seem insignificant in comparison to the vastness of the landscape. Sometimes, out in nature is where I will practice rhythmic breathing, and other times I walk and hike, as exercise is also a critical element to our mental health and physical self-care. If we feel we are taking the time, even 20 minutes a day to tend to our muscles and joints, the chemicals released will relax us, which naturally helps us regain our patience.

Spiritual practices, including meditation, are very important to me. I schedule them in my calendar, just as I do phone calls, meetings, and business trips. The time to care for myself is literally blocked off, and except for those rare occasions, it’s sacrosanct. So when I am scheduling my day, week, or month, I already know that there are certain times of the day that I just cannot allow business to interrupt. This guarantees that I never cancel the important appointments I make with myself.

Finally, create transitions. It’s hard to go from work to play to home to work again. I know many people who say that when they walk through their front door, they need a half hour of quiet time before greeting the family. Other people have shared that they pull up to their driveway and sit in the car before going inside. Driving to work in the morning, or taking public transportation to the office, provides an opportunity to transition from home to the office. Some people insist on hitting the gym before work or after work, before going home, to transition. Working through the stresses you deal with at the office before you make the switch to your other role in your personal life, will keep work where it belongs—at work! This will help you become more patient with the demands waiting for you at home. And transitioning from home to work enables you to keep the personal stuff from affecting your business.