Work Off-line

The next time you need to work on something important that demands your full attention, set limits by working off-line. Especially during your power hours (chapter 3), turn off notifications or even turn off internet access if that keeps you from being tempted. If you are in a meeting that you’ve predetermined serves your highest and best use (chapter 2), then give the meeting and your colleagues your full attention by putting your phone on airplane mode and closing your laptop.

Take Single Steps

Bring your focus from the mountain to the molehill. In other words, attend to one and only one step at a time until the task is complete. If you start to think of all the things you must get done and the sheer volume starts to feel overwhelming, gently bring your attention back to the present moment, the current step. You can only do one step at a time anyway, so give each successive one your full presence and your highest and best effort. As Lao Tzu said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Give Yourself Fifteen Minutes to Get into It

If you find yourself avoiding tasks or really resistant to a project, you can say to yourself: “I just need to get through the first fifteen minutes.” As with exercising—a challenge for many of us—the first fifteen to twenty minutes are often the hardest. But if you can get yourself over that initial hump, you’ll eventually realize you’ve hit a point of deep focus and flow. You may even start to enjoy the feeling of getting something done and genuinely get into the task you were dreading.

Stay Anchored in the Physical

If you find that even after fifteen to twenty minutes, tolerating the discomfort isn’t working and you’re still drawn to surf the Web, check your email, or get up for a third snack, try anchoring yourself in something physical. Your head is trying to convince you how terrible and onerous this task is, so aim to get out of your head and into your body. A few examples include:

• Literally look down at your hands at the keyboard and feel your fingers tap each key.
• Feel your feet on the floor. If it’s possible, take a moment or two to feel your feet in your shoes or on the ground.
• Notice where your body contacts your chair.
• Bring attention to how you are sitting. Shift your position if necessary to ensure good posture.
• Sit up straight and take a few deep breaths.
• Imagine lifting your chest up to the sky, creating a little more openness and space, then keep going.

Use a Grounding Visualization Technique

You can also use a visualization technique to bring your attention and focus to the body. One great example of this comes from Loren Shuster, chief people officer at the Lego Group, who explained that when he has important meetings or presentations, he takes five minutes to ground himself in his body by visualizing coming fully alive in each cell. “When you’re not grounded, when you’re not connected to your body and surrounding environment,” he says, “you don’t have a strong sense of direction or purpose. You’re just floating. The smallest thing can distract you. This grounding technique helps me clear my mind, recharge my energy, strengthen my instincts, and calm my emotions.”²

Step 1: Spectate: Observe Yourself and See the Patterns at Play

In the introduction, I talked about the idea of being a spectator and being able to observe yourself while in action. Now we return to that concept and focus on how to build this capability further.

Move from Self-Aware to Spectator-Aware. As we’ve discussed, self-awareness is a critical part of leadership and coming to understand what feeds your own version of Leader A. Now, let’s be clear on what distinguishes what I call “spectator-aware” from just “self-aware.” There are three defining characteristics:

1. YOU ARE IMPARTIAL AND NONJUDGMENTAL. Spectating is impartial. Its fundamental purpose is to observe yourself and your experiences—not to blame, explain, criticize, or make excuses. This kind of self-observation constitutes the foundation of mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, widely considered the godfather of contemporary mindfulness practice, has described mindfulness as one’s ability to assume the “stance of an impartial witness to your own experience.” He says we must always practice mindfulness “with an attitude of non-judgment.”³
2. YOU MAKE WHAT IS SUBJECTIVE MORE OBJECTIVE. Spectator-awareness is more powerful than self-awareness because as you maintain an impartial stance, you are increasing your ability to take what is normally a subjective thing—yourself (the subject) and your thoughts, emotions, actions, and experiences—and become open to examining them in an objective and nondefensive way. Bob Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey at the Harvard Graduate School of Education describe this as building subject-object capability. This is our ability to “stand back from [our] own filter and look at it, not just through it.”⁴ The analogy that Kegan and Lahey give is that it’s like taking an X-ray of a person’s thoughts and actions and putting it in front of them to review.⁵
3. YOU GAIN BETTER DATA BY WHICH TO DETERMINE FUTURE ACTIONS. As with any business problem or challenge, the best leaders gather data, run appropriate analyses, and then make effective decisions. In effect, spectating involves doing the same thing, but now you’re gathering data on yourself and your experience for the sake of building better leadership mindsets, choices, and subsequent behaviors. Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky, authors of Adaptive Leadership and Leadership on the Line, call this a leader’s ability to get off the dance floor and go to the balcony. As they describe it, it’s a chance to step back from the action and ask, what’s really going on here?⁶

This ability to step out of the action and be a spectator to our own experience is one of the chief skills I help my clients build. It’s a core component of the fourth P, presence, and an essential skill for feeding Leader A. One leader recently shared this with me: “One of the most important things in life is making a central contribution to a mission greater than oneself. Our own behaviors interfere with mission. What are our behaviors and habits which interfere with leading? We won’t have a clue until we can take an honest look at ourselves.”

Build Your Spectating Muscle. The ability to make what is normally a subject (ourselves) an object may sound a little strange and esoteric at first, but it’s actually a skill you can practice and improve. Here are a couple of ways to become better at building your spectating muscle.

Write it all down. One method is to write down your experience as close to when it’s happening in real time. You get a dual benefit here: pausing to write can stop you from having a mindless reaction that you’ll later regret, and if you’re diligent in recording your experience, you’ll eventually have a great set of data to mine for fully understanding your patterns. One client used this technique in the following way: whenever something started to bother him, he would send himself or me an email to capture his thoughts in real time. Some good questions you can ask yourself include:

• What was the trigger when I had an “I just can’t help myself” moment?
• What were the emotions I experienced?
• What was the voice track (or inner commentary) in my mind?
• What body sensations did I experience?
• What was my response to the moment—what did I do?

Debrief with another person. If you are more extroverted or find it helpful to hear yourself talk out loud, in addition to writing you can also enlist the help of another person to reflect and process out loud what is happening. If you do, it’s important to do so with someone who fits the category of “safe harbor” or “sausage maker” from chapter 4 on people.

Identify the triggers. One thing I always ask the folks I work with to track is their triggers, or the stimuli that elicited their personal “scratch-the-itch” response. Author and noted leadership and resilience speaker Anne Grady explains that triggers are the things that cause us to have a knee-jerk response to a situation. When we’re triggered, the emotional part of our brain takes over, and the logical brain takes a back seat. In this state, we “lose the ability to solve problems, make decisions, and think rationally … and to see things as they really are.” But when we take the time to be a spectator to our own experience, we not only move out of this state of being “emotionally hijacked” and regain the ability to see clearly; we also gain awareness of what our particular triggers are. Armed with that knowledge, we can begin to manage how we choose to react to our triggers.⁷

One professional, Stefan, began working on picking his battles more effectively rather than frequently getting into conflict with others. He said it was amazing to see the “arc” of how his stress played out, and that usually by day 2, he could get to the other side of things. Seeing the pattern reflected in his own writing saved Stefan many a potential conflict with colleagues. Where he previously would have jumped in immediately, litigating everything and trying to win, Stefan learned to step back, take stock, and let the situation play out a little longer when he felt triggered. Once out of this state of high reactivity, he could see more clearly and interact with colleagues more calmly. (And it’s worth noting that, as we see here with Stefan, sometimes the best reaction is simply not to react immediately.)

EXERCISE

Have You Been SCARFed?

The issue is not that you have any of these needs. In fact, part of Leader A is knowing what your needs are and then having the personal sense of agency to get them met. However, we’re in danger of Leader B mode when we’re not present to the need, get triggered because it’s been threatened, take things personally, or get overly reactive, which leads to ineffective decisions.

Using the SCARF model, you can have a better understanding of what needs aren’t being met and why you’re being triggered. This will help you not scratch the itch or react without thinking.

Notice the Voice Track and Physiological Patterns. In addition to collecting data on your triggers, you will also want to understand both the corresponding voice track, or your internal monologue, and the physiological contractions at the moment when you want to scratch the itch.

For example, Yasmina used a journaling exercise to observe and record her internal reactions and the accompanying voice track that came up each time she thought about her visions for the future. After a couple of weeks of this exercise, a clear pattern emerged. Anytime she felt fear and stress, she responded by finding anything else to work on other than the one thing she most wanted to work on. And while she felt a little embarrassed at first to admit this, she shared that the inner dialogue in her mind sounded like a scolding parent: “Who do you think you are? What if you fail? You’re going to embarrass yourself.” Her voice track came with an increased heart and breathing rate. Yasmina said it was helpful to observe what was happening rather than experience a generalized, vague sense of distress and self-doubt.

After catching on to her pattern, Yasmina said, “I can really see how once the anxiety and fear kick in, I fall right into the I’ll Just Do It Later Pitfall. My stuff always gets put off while I’m waiting for some magical day when I’m totally on top of things and the timing seems perfect, or some imaginary day when I feel confident and perfect.” For Yasmina, a sole proprietor, there would never be an end to the to-do list, and the quickest means of relief from her anxiety about expanding her brand was doing more client work. Busying herself with client work was her preferred form of procrastination, and it made perfect sense: because it was her job, after all, it was a fully legitimate way of immediately taking the attention off herself, and she was regularly rewarded in the form of positive feedback, referrals, and more opportunities.

Every person’s patterns are different; the key is to self-spectate and objectively observe yours. One leader who was working on delegating more shared that his “spectating experiment,” as he called it, led him to notice that he would feel a pit in his stomach anytime he wasn’t in his comfort zone of high-volume activity. The corresponding voice track was really tempting: “Randy, wouldn’t it feel good to respond to that email or head into the detail here?” As he connected the dots by naming all these things aloud, he discovered that beneath his physical discomfort and the I’ll Just Do It Myself Pitfall was an underlying fear of letting go of things he was really good at.

Another client named Natalie shared that self-spectating led her to notice that she felt her jaw tighten and her blood pressure rise most acutely when someone on her team didn’t perform. The voice track said, “This person is so incompetent! How dare she risk how others perceive me?” “What I came to realize,” Natalie said, “was how much I actually care about what other people think of me even though on the outside, I never show that. It’s been a big turning point for me to understand why I react the way I do in these situations.”

A Reminder about Self-Compassion and Nonjudgment as You Spectate. As you can see in all the examples so far, building a spectating capability is not for the faint of heart. In fact, I don’t usually introduce this concept to people who don’t already have a strong baseline of self-awareness. It requires understanding that things can feel worse before they feel better. Many leaders are willing to take it on because they love the idea of continuous improvement. Others are just plain tired of situations where they know they’re getting in their own way.

It’s vital that you bring an attitude of nonjudgment and self-compassion to the endeavor of spectating your experience. You’ll hinder your own efforts if you get caught up in self-blame, self-criticism, or self-pity. The irony is that our habit of being hard on ourselves is often the very thing we need to become aware of through self-spectating—and quite often, it’s the thing most hindering us. Research has shown that when self-criticism runs rampant, it can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, negative self-image, a preoccupation with failure, and decreased motivation and productivity. What’s the remedy? Self-compassion. Multiple studies have shown that self-compassion—or being kind to oneself in the face of personal flaws or shortcomings—leads to greater achievement and personal improvement. Whereas self-criticism causes us to dwell on mistakes or shortcomings, self-compassion leads to clarity and self-acceptance that becomes the springboard for productive action.⁹

Step 2: Regulate: Find the Pause and Don’t Scratch the Itch

Once you are clear on what is happening and why, you have a greater shot at not letting a trigger or emotion get the best of you. From here, the second step in the practice is to move from spectating to regulating.

Defuse the Emotional Charge. Part of why spectating and being able to see and accurately name what is happening is so effective is because it allows us to do what brain researchers call cognitive labeling, which has been shown to defuse some of the emotional charge that happens when we’re triggered and in a Leader B mindset.¹⁰ Labeling is just what it sounds like: we observe what’s happening and then assign a label to it. Neuroscience researcher David Rock, who developed the SCARF model, says that cognitive labeling—which requires that you stop what you’re doing and take the time to get an accurate read on a situation—is a far more effective technique than suppressing or denying an emotion. “The most successful executives have developed an ability to be in a state of high limbic system arousal and still remain calm,” Rock writes. “Partly, this [comes from] their ability to label emotion states.” His research shows that even using just one or two words can reduce the arousal of the brain’s limbic system, which controls the fight-flight-freeze response, and activate the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning.¹¹ When you’re in a crunch at work, for example, step back, observe your thoughts and your emotional state, and then put a label to what’s happening, such as “stress,” “high pressure,” “overwhelmed,” or “anxiety.” It’s a reliable way to get your brain back “online” after it’s gone “off-line” due to emotional arousal.

Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, writes that dealing effectively with emotions is a critical skill for any leader, and the ability to name them is key. What’s more, when people don’t acknowledge and express their emotions, they’re more likely to experience physical symptoms of stress (such as headaches), to suffer from anxiety or depressive disorders, and to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive drinking or aggression.¹² Tense, emotionally charged situations at work are bound to happen. The most effective leaders are able to defuse the emotional charge and retain their self-control.

Find the “Sacred Pause.” As you become more skilled at noticing and naming your emotions, your body sensations, and the voice track in your mind, you will be able to hit the pause button more often. Not scratching the itch means we’re not immediately reaching for a temporary form of relief and we’re not reacting mindlessly. It means remaining grounded and being able to slow down enough to see our way to a more considered, productive response. One colleague described her learning process here as “noticing the initial feeling of discomfort, becoming fully aware of it, and taking a deep breath to bring things back to the frontal lobe.” Chade-Meng Tan, author of Search Inside Yourself and creator of Google’s renowned mindfulness-based emotional intelligence program of the same name, calls this moment a “sacred pause.”¹³

The sacred pause is short but powerful—even just a few moments of not scratching the itch gives us a chance to determine how to move forward more effectively. Kris Nimsger, CEO of Social Solutions and formerly CEO of MicroEdge, and one of the most influential executives in the software industry today, once shared with me how she often mentors others in this area. Says Nimsger: “There is power in the pause between stimulus and response. The world is full of stimuli, and as we advance in our careers, the stimuli will only increase in its velocity and ferocity—period. Leaders need to function in a manner in which our behavior is not dictated by the stimulus but by the only thing we can actually control—which is our response.”¹⁴

Increase Pause Time. We can build our ability to get better at finding and expanding that sacred pause by building greater emotional self-regulation. There are several ways to do this.

Use a mantra or swing thought. One of the easiest ways to find a sacred pause is to use a mantra or a swing thought.

A mantra is a sound, word, or phrase that one repeats, either aloud or silently in the mind, in order to gain focus and calm. The word mantra can be broken down into two parts: man, which means mind, and tra, which means transport or vehicle. Thus, a mantra is an instrument of the mind that’s used to transport you to a state of calm, clarity, focus, and greater awareness.¹⁵ The mantra itself isn’t as important as the effect it produces, though sometimes people will choose words or phrases that convey their intention, such as “pause,” “let go,” or “one step at a time.”

Some of my clients who are avid golfers call this a “swing thought”—a signal to cue the mind to settle down and re-anchor. If you practice your swing thought enough, it functions as an automatic “go” signal for your body to execute your swing without excess thought.¹⁶ When a situation becomes tense or emotions are running high, a mantra or swing thought is a powerful signal to your mind and your body to return to a state of calm. And the more you use it, the more potent it becomes.

Sometimes, the cue to employ a mantra or swing thought is physical: Whenever Stefan, who was working on picking his battles, noticed his jaw clenching, he would say the mantra “not effective” to bring himself out of a heated reaction. Whenever Randy, who was working on delegation, noticed the pit in his stomach, he would say to himself, “Empower the team,” as a reminder to step away from the keyboard and let go.

Use your breath. Mantras and swing thoughts approach emotional self-regulation through the mind. We can also increase our emotional control through the body. The easiest and most efficient—and for many people, the most effective—way to do this is through breathing. One of my favorite techniques is a type of yogic breathing I learned when I trained for my yoga teacher certification. This practice is called 4-7-8 breathing, and it’s especially great for those who are short on time—it takes exactly one and a half minutes per day.

One of the best demonstrations of this practice comes from Dr. Andrew Weil, Harvard-trained physician and pioneer in the field of integrative medicine. Here’s how it works:

• Inhale quietly through your nose for four seconds.
• Hold the breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale through the mouth for eight seconds.
• Repeat for four breath cycles.

Dr. Weil recommends practicing this technique twice a day, every day.¹⁷ I’ve had clients report that 4-7-8 breathing helps them with insomnia (both getting to sleep and falling back asleep after waking in the night), prepresentation jitters, general anxiety, and getting present quickly.

Practice mindfulness meditation. In mindfulness meditation you are basically doing all the steps we’ve discussed so far—building your spectating muscle, finding the sacred pause, and not scratching the itch for a set amount of time.

Neuroscientist Amishi Jha, PhD, is doing pioneering work in the areas of mindfulness-based training, memory, and attention. She and her team have found that “the opposite of a stressed and wandering mind is a mindful one” and that the more we practice mindfulness—which she describes as “paying attention to our present moment experience with awareness and without any kind of emotional reactivity of what’s happening”—the better we are at paying attention. And as with so many things, the more we practice mindfulness, the more we benefit. Participants who committed to doing a mindfulness practice on a daily basis for eight weeks not only retained their attention skills but improved them over time, even during high-stress situations such as an accountant during tax season or a student during final exams.¹⁸

There are many ways to practice mindfulness meditation; the key is to find the technique that suits you best. Here are some of the most popular. See which one resonates with you.

SITTING MEDITATION: The oldest-known form, sitting meditation, is what most people envision when they think of meditation. Whether you’re in full lotus position on a zafu (a meditation cushion) or in a regular straight-back chair, this is the practice of sitting while you spectate and try not to scratch any itches (literally or figuratively!) for a specified length of time.

Within that definition there are endless ways to do it. Some are breath-based practices such as counting the cycles of inhalation and exhalation, simply bringing focused attention to the act of breathing, or engaging in a yogic breath practice such as the 4-7-8 I mentioned earlier. Others include focusing on an external object such as the flame of a candle or picking a point on the wall and staying focused there.

Most experts recommend sitting at least twenty minutes because it takes us that long to calm down and settle in, but if you’re new to meditation, start with a shorter span of time and work your way up. Give yourself credit for any amount of time you devote to stepping out of the fray and practicing your spectating ability.

You can also use technology to support your practice. Several apps offer guided meditation, and many people find it’s easier to put on headphones and make the most of white-space time (from chapter 3) that way. Rich Fernandez, the CEO of the Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute, a nonprofit organization developed at Google, recommends the meditation apps Calm, Headspace, and Muse.¹⁹ I’m personally a fan of Insight Timer, which offers a mix of guided meditations, calming music, and a timer for those who prefer silence.

WALKING MEDITATION: For those of you who want to pick up meditation but find that sitting just isn’t working, I’d recommend you try walking meditation. Many of the leaders I work with are too busy for an extended “sit” or find it too difficult to settle down enough, and have found they are able to stick to this practice more easily.

Give this a try:

• Pick the area where you will do your walking meditation. It could be the length of a hallway or the length of your street.
• Walk the length of the set area without judgment.
• Walk at a similar pace back and forth for a specified amount of time—like sitting meditation, twenty minutes is usually a good length for settling in.
• As you walk, notice where your attention is, where it drifts, and keep bringing your attention back to the action of walking.

Jack Kornfield, PhD, a world-renowned mindfulness teacher, has likened walking meditation—and our ever-wandering mind—to training a puppy. “You will need to come back a thousand times,” he says. “Whether you have been away for one second or for ten minutes, no matter. Simply acknowledge where you have been and then come back to being alive here and now with the next step you take.”²⁰

I was recently with a group of executives for a retreat held off-site at a resort. As part of our discussion around how we could continue to expand our impact and influence with less stress and more presence, I asked them to do an experiment with me and try out walking meditation.

I picked out a spot in the courtyard purposefully as it included high traffic, and I wanted to raise everyone’s self-consciousness level and make it hard to keep their attention on the act of walking. For a full ten minutes, I asked the executives to walk the length of the courtyard, keeping a steady pace, and to simply notice and spectate.

When we came back inside, I asked the group how many of them thought I had gone crazy and were thinking, “What are we doing? This is ridiculous!” Just about every hand in the room shot up.

Then, I asked them to describe the experience. One CFO raised her hand and shared, “At first, I did think this was a crazy exercise, and I really didn’t want to do it. Especially when other people passed by us, I noticed how embarrassed and self-conscious I felt and how resentful I was that we were doing this at all.

“But at some point, I found that for the first time since being here, I was noticing the sound of the water coming from the main fountain and just what a beautiful place this is. I realized I hadn’t even noticed there was a fountain until then. It was actually pretty incredible how present and engaged I felt by the time the ten minutes was up.”

CLEAN-UP MEDITATION: This is a mindfulness meditation practice I’ve devised on my own. I’ve found it to be one of the most effective ways for me to really learn to pay attention and be fully present in my mind and in my body, and be less reactive. The idea struck me when I read an article in an airline magazine that covered how lots of Silicon Valley types were all flying to an ashram in California to learn meditation. But instead of sitting around meditating all day, a good portion of their days was spent sweeping and cleaning.

One of the concepts in Zen that I’ve long been fascinated by is engaging with a task or with a person with one’s whole self. What does it mean to engage with zeal, without distraction, and with full presence? Imagine a day where the amount of effort and energy you expend is exactly the right amount required for the situation at hand. Contrast that with the energy we burn when we’re in a state of high reactivity, self-sabotage, or acute stress.

On the surface, this quintessential Zen practice sounds very simple: “When doing dishes, just do the dishes.” “When sweeping the floor, just sweep the floor.” But as I’ve experimented with that in my own life, the truth is that even the simple task of trying to wash the dishes with full focus and engaged attention is far easier said than done. Think back to the last time you cleaned up after dinner and did the dishes. How often did your mind wander off with all kinds of thoughts and judgments? “I can’t believe I have to do so many dishes! I have to remember to send that email to the team tonight. I am so annoyed there are so many dishes to do. I can’t believe how behind I am on that deliverable. What will I cook for dinner tomorrow?” As each thought emerges, consider the corresponding physiological reactions. The next thing you know, you’re stressed and overwhelmed by all that’s running through your mind instead of just washing the dishes.

But like the puppy who always wanders off and needs gentle guidance back, just continue to bring your mind back to washing the dishes the first moment you notice you’ve gone wandering. Maintain an attitude of nonjudgment: the puppy is just acting according to his nature, after all, and needs training. So it is with our minds, and the more we train, the better we get.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what type of mindfulness meditation practice you choose. The intent is the same: to carve out some time for yourself and to practice spectating, coming back to yourself without judgment and getting present over and over again, and not scratching the itch. The application and benefits then extend into your daily life: when you’re engaged in any task or situation, you’ll find that you are more quickly able to get present, engaged, and effective, whether you’re leading a meeting, collaborating with your team, sending a thoughtful email, or spending time with family and friends.

Step 3: Adapt: Realize the Power of Choice and Create New If-Thens

A more constructive set of choices emerges when we see and experience the present moment with less reaction—even while, with full awareness, experiencing anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, or other uncomfortables emotions, rather than unconsciously letting them drive us. When we realize there is choice—between Leader A and Leader B mode—we move through all steps of this practice: from spectating to regulating to adapting. It takes time, courage, self-compassion, and willingness to come to the junctures in the road over and over again where we realize we are ready for the next best version of ourselves.

Recognize New Choices. One of the toughest patterns I struggle with is responding to stress with my temporary fix of choice, sugar. When stressed or anxious—or on the other end of the spectrum, after a major win or deliverable—I reach for sugar. It’s a vicious cycle: I reach for candy, ice cream, soda, you name it. Internally, my voice track is all about entitlement: “I deserve this pleasure. I deserve this candy bar. I deserve this bowl of chocolate ice cream.” That’s all fine and good, except that my family is filled with diabetics, and sugar brings out the worst in me. When it’s coursing through my body, it impacts my presence and my effectiveness. For me, the effects are worse than missing out on sleep or exercise.

I know this, and while I haven’t fully cut sugar from my diet, I am choosing sugar less often, and I do find that I am getting better at getting back on track with more ease and less self-criticism. While I’m not even close to batting 1,000, part of what has made getting back on track just a little easier has been changing my mindset and recognizing the power of choice.

Rather than it being a reward for a job well done or a tempting form of self-soothing, I now recognize that sugar is an important cue that alerts me I am standing at the fork in the road between Leader A and Leader B. For me, sugar signals that something is awry—that there is something I’m not attending to, something I’m not asking for, or something I’m not feeling acknowledged for. When I’m at my best, I adapt by reaching for a pen and paper or other people instead of candy:

• How can I write out what’s bothering me rather than eating my way to okay-ness?
• Which of my safe harbors and cheerleaders can I reach out to (chapter 4) to ask for help?
• Do I need to reshuffle or reprioritize or renegotiate a deadline (chapter 2)?

This method isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy dessert after a great meal. But given the genetics in my family and the impact sugar has on my overall effectiveness, I know that healthier coping mechanisms are important to being the leader I want to be. I’m especially mindful of my sugar intake during weeks when I have high-stakes situations or events where being at my best and most effective is critical.

It is no surprise that our physical well-being is directly interconnected with our ability to be more present and less reactive. Everyone knows that it’s easier to be your highest and best self after a good night’s sleep, eating well, or getting some exercise. Rather than have any of those things become a “should,” we can use spectating and an expanded awareness to understand exactly which lever most directly impacts effectiveness and then put some choice around the whole thing.

Rather than going cold turkey or holding yourself to some expectation that only sets you up for self-criticism, choose to limit caffeine, sugar, or alcohol, especially when you need to be fully sharp and present. Choose to get that one really great night of sleep before a big presentation, or get in a run during the change effort you are leading at work, when the stress may be especially high. Part of feeding Leader A is knowing which situations require you to be especially present and effective, and recognizing the plethora of choices you can make to meet those moments.

Create New If-Thens. One of the most effective ways to create new patterns is to use a research-proven technique known as the if-then tool. This is a simple mental framework used to set up a new process or healthy habit, meet a goal, or increase our overall presence. When your spectating self detects a trigger, you can use the if-then framework to create better ways to respond.

A leader, Julianne, used the if-then framework to gain clarity on her old patterns and create a new one that led her to choose a way to remain present rather than become reactive. Here’s how she did it:

• OLD PATTERN: “If triggered by an annoying colleague, then I respond by ruminating about it and wasting time and energy having imaginary conversations with that person in my head.”
• NEW PATTERN: “If triggered by an annoying colleague, then I will leave my desk and do five minutes of 4-7-8 breathing to figure out if this is a battle worth fighting or something to let go.”

EXERCISE

The If-Then Tool

If-then plans work because our brains are very good at encoding information in “If x, then y” terms and using those connections (often unconsciously) to guide behavior. In this way they function much like a mantra. It seems that when we decide exactly when, where, and how to fulfill our goals, our brains create a neurological link between a situation or cue (“If or when x happens”) and the behavior that should follow (“then I will do y”). Research bears this out. Based on more than two hundred studies, researchers have found that if-then planners are about 300 percent more likely than others to reach their goals. Once the brain detects an “if,” it automatically triggers a “then.” (For example, “If it’s 2 p.m. on Friday, then I will submit my report.”) In this way the brain triggers action without you having to think about it.²¹ You’re setting up an ingrained mental cue that eliminates any mental effort involved in figuring out what to do and how to do it. You’re left with the luxury of getting straight to the task at hand.

Peter Gollwitzer, the psychologist who first studied if-then planning, has described this powerful if-then mechanism as creating “instant habits,” the kind that help you reach your goals. Studies show that whether we’re trying to complete work projects, save for retirement, obtain preventive health care, or lose weight, despite our best intentions, we fail to follow through roughly 50 percent of the time. Why? Sometimes we don’t act because we’re too busy to notice opportunities to do so. Sometimes we lose confidence in our ability to achieve a goal, so we push it to a mental back burner, like Yasmina did. Or we just let competing goals, motivations, or temptations bubble up to the top of the priority list. This is where if-then planning can preclude some of those common roadblocks to achieving a goal and help us follow through when problems arise.

Have Greater Choice in Voice. We’ll end this chapter by looking at how presence helps us to show up more often as Leader A in how we communicate. When we have greater access to all the parts of ourselves and more emotional self-control, we also gain a greater choice of voice. By staying present fully no matter the situation at hand, we can engage in what Buddhists call “right speech and right action.”

Your Voice of Character

First and foremost, consider the voice of your character. This is the part of your voice that is constant and consistent. It is grounded in fundamental principles about whom you choose to be and about what guides and motivates your interactions with others. I’ve had leaders share that, like a mantra, they hold key leadership principles in mind such as “Give the benefit of the doubt,” “Don’t take things personally,” “Focus on what’s best for the business,” or “Be direct with respect” when walking into a difficult conversation or meeting or a potential conflict. Anchoring ourselves in the character we know we have keeps us from becoming chameleons, acting out of a fight-or-flight reaction, or showing respect only when there is a commercial gain or benefit. A voice of character is ultimately about who you are at your core and the intentions and motivations that guide your speech and actions. The more you cultivate presence, the more you use your voice of character.

Your Voice of Context

As you take on increasingly senior roles, your perspective of the business grows. You hold more of the big picture. Part of the job then becomes finding ways to express and communicate that bigger picture to others. Too often, in the race against time, we dive right into the details of a presentation, meeting, or conversation without taking an extra few minutes to appropriately set the stage and share critical context.

Situations where you can bring more of your voice of context include:

• Sharing vision, strategy, or upcoming organizational change with others
• Presenting to executives, and being clear on what you are there for and what you need
• Kicking off a meeting with your team and giving the larger context for the topic at hand
• Making your decision-making criteria or rationale transparent to others

Your Voice of Clarity

In a world of high-intensity workplaces, you have the opportunity to be the voice of clarity and help your team stay focused on the most important priorities. Leaders who end up in the I’ll Just Do It Now Pitfall reflexively fire off new possibilities, muse out loud, or have knee-jerk reactions, running the risk of teams trying to deliver on their every whim. These teams end up scattered, spread thin, and unfocused, falling short on delivering the most important wins. Relying on your spectator self automatically precludes much of this type of mindless, reactive behavior, but here are a few more ways you can be the voice of clarity to help channel others’ energies more productively:

• At the start of the year, sit down with each direct report to prioritize and clarify what the big wins are in each of their areas. One client shared how she asks each team member: “If we were to publish this in a newspaper, what would you want the big headlines to be for you and your team at the end of the year?”
• Periodically come back to helping your direct reports reprioritize what’s on their plates. You can do this in one-on-one meetings or with your entire team.
• Empower your team to say no.

Your Voice of Curiosity

As a leader, you have a responsibility to give direction, share information, and make important decisions. But you need to be sure that you’re not approaching every situation as if you have all the answers or as if you need to advise on, problem-solve, or fix everything in front of you. In many cases, being the voice of curiosity is a better choice for the situation. As one of my clients once shared about facing pushback from others, “While I’m confident in my own business judgment and instincts, I know that my organization has hired really smart people. Therefore, if one of my peers or team members has a different perspective or pushes back, I don’t take it personally. I get really curious to understand where they are coming from first so that we can get to the best solution.” Some situations where bringing your voice of curiosity can help you and your colleagues move forward include:

• When you’re engaging in work that is interdependent, and a better solution will come from hearing all perspectives in the room before coming to a final decision
• When you’re coaching a direct report and asking good questions to help them grow in new ways, explore issues they’re facing, or support their career development
• When you’re in a difficult conversation where hearing out the other person is an important part of defusing emotion, understanding each party’s needs and views, and then figuring out the best way forward

Your Voice of Connection

As your span of control or influence grows, it can become increasingly difficult to make a connection with a broadening set of colleagues, strategic networks, and teams. It’s not uncommon to have people working for us many layers deep into the organization, such that we no longer know everyone in our area and still must find ways to stay connected and visible. Being a voice of connection can come in many forms. Here are some of the ways I’ve seen leaders do this effectively:

• INCREASE YOUR SKILL AS A STORYTELLER: Stories make our points more memorable and salient. They can enliven a keynote address or an all-hands meeting, drive home a point we’re making in a presentation, or help to close a large deal or transaction.
• THANK AND ACKNOWLEDGE: Our teams and colleagues often go to great lengths to ensure that deliverables are met, revenues are strong, and customers are satisfied. When we use our voice of connection, we remember to express gratitude to a team that worked through the holidays to close on the financials at the end of the quarter, or we remember to loop back to a colleague who made a valuable introduction or referral for us.
• MAKE TIME FOR A FEW MINUTES OF ICE-BREAKING OR RAPPORT-BUILDING AT THE START OF A CONVERSATION OR MEETING: So often, we want to get right down to business, so we skip the niceties or pleasantries that help to build relationships with others. Where possible, and especially with colleagues who value that kind of connection, spend a couple of minutes to connect before diving into the work. On days where you’re crunched for time, state that up front and transparently, so as not to create any misunderstandings. You can say something like: “I’m a little crunched for time today, so it would be great if we could dive right in.”

Discovering and developing your voice as a leader is the work of a lifetime. It is a huge part of increasing the fourth P, presence, and in accessing your authentic self. The key is to use each situation as an opportunity to access more parts of your voice rather than having a one-size-fits-all approach. Bring your voices of character, context, clarity, curiosity, and connection as the moment or situation warrants. Through this kind of learning and growth, not only will you increase your inner confidence and resilience, but you will also inspire the confidence of others around you in a more authentic and meaningful way.

EXERCISE

Expand Your Leadership Voice