What is the current strength of this team—do I have the right people on the bus?

Consider the vision and goals you are working toward and whether the folks on your team have the capabilities needed. This can be very difficult for some leaders, especially if you’ve worked with members of your team for a long time and they’re no longer the best fit for the job. Such was the case for Rajiv, for whom taking an objective look at his team created tension and angst. He was very comfortable with the folks he’d worked with for years—there were long-standing relationships and loyalties in place. However, as he and I discussed which 20 percent of the job was creating 80 percent of the energy drain he was feeling, he realized that a key direct report wasn’t meeting the mark in their growing business. Rajiv had been picking up the slack for this person, falling into two pitfalls: I’ll Just Do More and I’ll Just Do It Myself. Covering for this underperforming employee meant Rajiv was having more Leader B than Leader A days. And in his new, larger role, he simply wasn’t going to be able to compensate for his colleague.

What changes to people or team structure will I need to make?

You might find in looking at the team more closely that the fundamental team design and structure are off. Perhaps people need to be layered differently or reorganized. Or, like Rajiv, perhaps you realize there are team members who don’t have the capabilities or aren’t performing at a level the organization now needs.

In these cases, remember it’s not fair to anyone to let a person languish in a role that is no longer suited for them. Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn, really shifted my view of this when I heard him speak about compassionate leadership. “The most important lesson I’ve learned in the role of CEO,” he said, “is to not leave the pitcher in the game too long.… The least compassionate thing you can do when someone is not equipped to be doing what they’re doing is to leave them in that role.”² When you’re the team leader, it’s your job to be that coach walking out to the pitcher’s mound and make the right call for the business and the person—even when it’s a very difficult decision. When you’re in a challenging situation like this one, ask yourself these questions:

• Is it time to have a difficult performance discussion?
• Is it time to invest in a development plan or coaching for this person?
• Is it time to let the person go?

Leadership does require that we sometimes give tough performance reviews, help a low performer get back on track, or occasionally, let someone go. With compassionate leadership and Weiner’s counsel in mind, remember to make the tough “what” decisions and preserve your integrity and the other person’s dignity in “how” you execute those decisions. When I ask leaders to reflect on the one thing they would have done differently from the previous year, the answer I most often hear is they wished they’d made a tough people decision sooner or faster—they wished they’d trusted their instincts that someone was wrong for the job or just not going to get there rather than letting it drag out.

What am I doing toward succession planning?

For some leaders the idea of succession planning may feel uncomfortable. Especially if, like Rajiv, you’re just starting a new role and are motivated to add more value, you may be wondering why on earth I’m advising you to contemplate who is going to take on your position one day. But in order to keep growing and evolving your own purpose (chapter 2), you must have people who can eventually step into your shoes so that you and your organization are able to tackle future opportunities. You ultimately want to set in place a virtuous cycle so as you continue to grow and free yourself to take on new things → you are helping your people free up and take on news things → and then they can help others grow and take on new things. Many leaders underestimate how far in advance they need to start looking at this and don’t always get it right.

Optimize the “Leverage + Empower + Inspire” Equation

Raising your game while raising the game of others also means that you continually look at what I call the leverage + empower + inspire equation. This is a critical equation to keep your eye on as you continue to grow as a leader, especially at key junctures such as when you shift from being a “leader of tasks” to a “leader of a team” to a “leader of leaders.” At each of these junctures, you must redefine all three parts of the equation, which serve a different function but together form a powerful synergy.

Leverage: Get Clear on Who Owns What. The leverage part of the equation is about increasing your bandwidth and capacity. It requires that you rethink your level of involvement and ensure that everyone on the team is truly playing to their highest and best in their respective roles. You simply cannot be involved in all that you were in a previous role or when your organization was smaller. Ideally, you are providing your boss leverage, your team is providing you leverage, their teams are providing them leverage, and so on.

One tool that can be especially helpful here is the Who Owns What table. It’s built on the same concepts of passion and contribution from chapter 2 on purpose.

• Think about your own role today and consider for column one the strategic initiatives you are responsible for as well as the normal duties that come with any job.
• Then, in columns two and three, bring over the information from chapter 2 about your purpose:

  – In column two, for each initiative or duty, what is your highest contribution?

  – In column three, for each initiative or duty, what is your highest passion?

• Now for column four, consider within a given initiative or duty where you could get more leverage, and finally, in column five, who might be the best person to do that.

TABLE 4-1
The Who Owns What table
		Your role/function		What part of this is your highest contribution?		What part of this are you most passionate about?		What part of this can you get more leverage?		Who is the best person(s) to do that?
Key initiatives
Normal responsibilities

The most optimal situation is that someone else’s Quadrant I (their highest contribution and passion) is now your Quadrant IV (your lower contribution and passion). That is the ultimate win-win.

This is a great exercise to do at the start of each fiscal year. For example, last January I spent a half day with a leader working through the Who Owns What table against his team’s functional plan. By the end of the exercise, for almost every major initiative or duty he was responsible for, we had identified the places where he could gain additional support from others to accomplish the functions’ objectives. Imagine the relief and encouragement he felt once he’d identified the tasks that would allow his team to develop and buy himself more bandwidth and time.

Increasing leverage for yourself and your team isn’t easy. It means getting more comfortable with being able to let go of things you used to do—in some cases, even things you really enjoy doing or you are good at or faster at than others—but may no longer be your highest and best use and could provide someone else on your team the opportunity to grow.

And be careful of going too far. If your sole intention is leverage, you run the risk of others feeling used or taken for granted. If you treat others simply as an extra set of hands for your sole benefit, you end up siphoning off the parts of the job you don’t want to do while taking credit, or enjoying the high-visibility parts of the job alone.

The last watch-out? Some leaders may be good at leveraging, but when it’s done without sharing context or without transparent decision making, or done without thinking of the other person’s development, there is lost opportunity to help build the capability and business judgment of others. Therefore, leverage must come with the second dimension of our leverage + empower + inspire equation, empower.

Empower: Help Yourself and Others Spread Their Wings. The empower part of the leverage + empower + inspire equation focuses on building team capability and motivation. It requires that we think about how to offer freedom, autonomy, and authenticity to those we work with while setting them up for success as we offer more rope and opportunity. This requires looking at empowerment from two different perspectives. The first is from your own perspective, and the second is from the perspective of the team member you’re trying to empower.

One of my favorite tools is the classic “T-shaped management” tool, which we can adapt for empowerment. In the original, the concept illustrated the dual responsibility of the executive who shares knowledge freely across the organization (the horizontal axis), while remaining committed to business performance (the vertical axis).³ I’ve reframed the image in the following way:

As you look at empowerment from your own perspective and consider what you will let go of and when you will let it go, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• As I look across my span of control (along the horizontal line of the T), what is the full breadth of what’s in my scope?
• Across that horizontal, where are the places I need to make vertical dives in?
• When I start to make that vertical dive, what do I need to communicate to my team or direct report about WHY I’m getting involved?
• And, at what point along the vertical dive is it best I remove myself and pass the baton to someone else?

The other perspective you must take as a leader is putting yourself in the shoes of the team member you are trying to empower. The irony is that the best empowerment comes with being clear on the boundaries within which your team member or direct report has freedom to act. As you prepare to empower your team more, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• How will this opportunity help to grow this person’s knowledge of the business, decision making/judgment, or visibility?
• What are the big risks to mitigate? Which ones are part of the learning experience?
• What context, information, or background can I offer?
• What are the expectations or definitions of success they should be aware of?
• What are the decision-making rights here?

I want to acknowledge that this is all so much easier said than done. I know when I’m stressed by an urgent deliverable or when I’m feeling uncertain about something, my coping mechanism is the I’ll Just Do It Myself Pitfall. Anxiety running high, I decide I’ll just figure this out on my own and go for it. Controlling the situation gives me a temporary sense of relief, and sometimes it moves a task forward, but very often, bull-rushing a situation is the last thing the team needs from me. I am still learning to remember to pause, step back, and ask myself if this is something I truly need to insert myself into. Sometimes the answer may very well be yes. But if I conducted an audit of all the times I’ve succumbed to the I’ll Just Do It Myself Pitfall, the truth is that probably more than 50 percent of the time I didn’t need to get as involved in the way that I did.

You can end up doing yourself and your team a disservice when you step in and turn a task into a fire drill. It can leave a team feeling demotivated or give the impression you don’t have confidence in them. The Leader A mindset, by contrast, is one of curiosity and confidence: your job is to help the team build the capability and the motivation to get there themselves. You want a team that functions interdependently while honoring each person’s strengths and contributions.

Inspire: Move Beyond Just “Hub and Spoke.” The inspire part of the leverage + empower + inspire equation takes the individual people you lead and helps them to feel part of a larger collective, vision, or mission. When I’ve done 360 reviews for folks, I’ve always been struck by those whose team members or employees describe being “willing to run through a brick wall” for the leader and the organization. When I probed more deeply, I found that the leader had not only leveraged and empowered the team but also had that final secret ingredient of being someone who inspired the team to connect their work to a meaningful goal.

This kind of leadership requires that you do more than just lead by “hub and spoke,” where team members are connected to the larger whole mostly through their one-on-ones with you but don’t necessarily feel connected to each other or the bigger picture. By leading point to point, you risk creating silos or creating perceptions of inner circles and favorites. Even worse, it can also become a time and energy sink if you’re having five separate conversations when you could bring five people together for one decision.

Intentionally bring people together and build the esprit de corps of the group. For your organization, function, team, project, or initiative, ask yourself these questions:

• What is the vision or shared goal for the group?
• Who needs to be or feel included?
• How and by what cadence will you bring this group together?
• What are the collective wins that keep the momentum going?
• How will we all share in the success of this together?

One analogy I love when I think of leaders who are great at the inspire part of the leverage + empower + inspire equation is that of a crew team: all individuals working toward the same destination in perfect rhythm and harmony.

Legendary sportswriter Paul Gallico, who rowed for Columbia, beautifully described the bonding process a squad undergoes when it moves from a group of individuals to a single, unified crew. “We became one with the boat and our fellow oarsmen and felt ourselves as giants, since one’s own power applied to the shell was multiplied by eight.” According to Gallico, these moments bring “an ineffable delight” to the rowers, “a great exultation.”⁴

This “great exultation” is known to oarsmen as swing. Swing is almost indescribable. It’s the moment when eight individuals blend together and experience a feeling of transcendence as they glide effortlessly over the water as one. Writer Michael Socolow, who also rowed for Columbia, describes swing as “unity made manifest. It’s surrender to process rather than demanding results.”⁵ When a crew is in a state of swing, individual ego and agenda falls away, and team members become a single unit whose effectiveness is far greater than the sum of its parts.

The parallels with effective business teams are easy to see. Individual team members must be highly skilled, self-reliant, and capable, but able to function as part of a synchronized group focused on the same goal. Peter Dean, writing for Wharton Magazine, observes that in rowing, “no member is the star of the team.” Each one must (1) adapt to the strengths and shortcomings of the other, (2) empathize with the other’s point of view, adjusting quickly to what’s needed in the moment, (3) be open to every other member and willing to get past personal feelings of disappointment, and (4) give themselves up for the benefit of the entire crew, rowing as an extension of the teammate.⁶ You could hardly ask for a better description of an effective team in the workplace!

Get More Comfortable Asking for Help

It takes a fair amount of inner confidence and strength to admit that we need the advice or support of others. The New York Times article “Why Is Asking for Help So Difficult?” states that we don’t ask because no one likes to seem weak, needy, or incompetent. Additionally, no one likes shifting the balance of power in a relationship where we feel like we are the one indebted to another person.⁷

Wayne Baker, author and faculty member at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, offers five concrete tips for getting better at asking for help:

1. KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO ASK. Write down the specific steps and resources you need to achieve your goal and build your request for help upon them.
2. ASK SMARTLY. Make a request that is Specific, Meaningful (why you need it), Action-oriented (ask for something to be done), Real (authentic, not made up), and Time-bound (when you need it).
3. DON’T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHO AND WHAT PEOPLE KNOW. You never know about other people’s connections and insights until you ask! You can miss huge opportunities if you assume someone doesn’t have the knowledge to help or interest in doing so.
4. BE PROACTIVE IN HELPING OTHERS. The spirit of reciprocity is so hardwired in our brains that more often than not, when we extend help to others, we can expect to receive help in return.
5. CREATE A CULTURE WHERE ASKING FOR HELP IS ENCOURAGED. Make it easy for your team members to ask for and extend help by setting the example. An environment where others give and receive help creates a feeling of psychological safety and normalizes the practice.⁸

We’re all better off when we’re able to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge our need for help and ask for it.

Reach Out to the Right People

Next, it’s important to think strategically about the specific kind of support you need and who can fit the bill. The following isn’t an exhaustive list but rather an illustration of the type of roles that others can play in your life if you look for them and allow them in under the tent.

Other experts: While you might be an expert in your own right, it’s critical to seek out those who bring different experiences, understanding, and pattern recognition to the issues you’re facing. This can include peers or even direct reports who have certain functional expertise that’s critical for the year ahead, or external folks who have successfully navigated similar situations.

As you seek out the help of other experts, hold confidence in your own expertise while also adopting a beginner’s mind. Beginner’s mind is a term that comes from Zen Buddhism and refers to someone with an openness to learning, even at an advanced level. It’s all about having an open attitude and stance.

In 2013 when Chip Conley was tapped to help develop Airbnb into the world’s leading hospitality brand, he’d already spent more than twenty years as the founder and CEO of Joie de Vivre Hospitality, the second-largest boutique hotel brand in the United States, and was a New York Times best-selling author of titles such as Peak: How Great Companies Get Their Mojo from Maslow. But at Airbnb he found himself in unfamiliar territory: twice the age of the average employee and two decades older than CEO Brian Chesky, Conley had never worked in tech and had never even used Uber or Google Docs. Conley recognized he had a choice: walk away from his new job, or embrace beginner’s mind in order to adapt and change. He decided to stay.⁹

Conley found a ready ally in Chesky, who was also a proponent of beginner’s mind, and who, like Conley, saw a growth opportunity for both of them. Conley needed to learn the landscape and lingo of tech, while Chesky needed to learn from Conley’s management experience and emotional intelligence. They bonded over their belief that anyone of any age can have a growth mindset, and Airbnb benefited from their “mutual mentorship.” During the four years Conley worked full-time for the company, Airbnb expanded exponentially and garnered guest satisfaction reviews that surpassed the hotel industry’s.¹⁰

A beginner’s mind helps us to innovate and connect the dots during those moments when we engage and listen with openness. Watch out for trying to protect an idealized image of the expert who has all the answers. Trying to emphasize your expertise or even getting defensive about your need for help is exhausting, and it can preclude the very thing you need, which is support and new learning. True confidence is about knowing what you bring to the table while still having the humility to be blown away by another person’s expertise and willing to entertain an insight or perspective that shapes your future thinking. As Zen master Shunryu Suzuki stated so well, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”¹¹

Sausage makers: As you become more senior, there is a premium on being clear, concise, and articulate. For some of us, it takes processing out loud to get to that kind of clarity and conviction. This kind of rough, unedited processing isn’t meant for public consumption—hence the term sausage making, as no one really cares to see how sausage is made! If you’re someone who needs to talk things out to get to clarity, know with whom you can talk through big decisions, difficult conversations, or presentations. This kind of sounding board will help you frame key messages or communications.

Don’t go to those who lack the patience to be a sounding board, or even worse, don’t go to the people who weigh in on your performance evaluations. Without an understanding of what you need, they may unintentionally peg you as someone who is not articulate, who isn’t fact-based or logical, or who wastes their time. If you must make sausage with anyone who holds a position to evaluate you, be sure to preface it by saying, “I’d love to brainstorm something with you,” or “This thought isn’t fully formed yet, but I wonder if I could get your gut reaction before I have the team substantiate it with additional data.”

Accountability buddies: For our most important goals or objectives, it can be helpful to have someone other than your boss or the board holding you accountable. This is someone who knows what you want to achieve and helps you get there by checking in on milestones. These people can help you keep your eye on the big rocks. I learned the term accountability buddy from one of the CEOs I coached who shared that the sole reason he was hiring me was to help ensure he stayed focused on the strategic vision, key priorities, and collective wins for his organization.

Once someone agrees to be your accountability buddy, come up with a check-in system that makes the most sense for what you’re trying to achieve and for both of your schedules. Also decide on the format for your meetings. Quarterly check-ins may be fine for long-term strategic goals, but I’ve had clients who met with their accountability partner on a monthly basis, and some who’ve done weekly check-ins when they had a tight deadline or wanted to make quicker progress.

Mirrors: As you take on more senior roles, you might find there are fewer people who are willing to give it to you straight, call you out, or hold you accountable to the purpose and vision you’ve set. It’s always important to have someone who can identify your blind spots and reflect back to you what they see, like a mirror. Who’s the “straight talker” in your life whose insights you can trust? This could be a person in your organization you’ve known for many years or a person not at all connected to your industry, who has no personal stake in your organization.

Helicopters: While some people are detail-oriented and excel at focusing on the granular level, helicopters are those who provide an aerial view, help you see the world differently, or help you to connect your daily work to the bigger picture or a longer-term horizon. These are folks who help to strengthen your thinking on an issue by offering you benchmarks, pointing out trade-offs to consider, or raising the organizational or market conditions at play. They help you see the future impact and implications on different groups by widening perspective—a key characteristic of Leader A mode. Look for the people who think big—or at least think differently than you do. A different perspective can move you forward or trigger a breakthrough when you’re stuck in a rut.

Cheerleaders: Who doesn’t need a cheerleader from time to time? When we’re working hard, an “attaboy” or “attagirl” can go a long way to keep energy and motivation alive. Know who you can turn to when you need acknowledgment, a pep talk, or a pat on the back. If you don’t instinctively know who this person is, ask yourself: Who can I count on to notice and affirm that I am adding value? Who can share a victory lap with me? Who is genuinely happy for me when I hit a major deliverable, have a presentation go well, or have a great aha moment?

It’s heartbreaking when I see a client seeking acknowledgment or reassurance from people who fundamentally lack the patience, capacity, or even the capability to do this. Precious energy is wasted in counterproductive efforts to get acknowledgment from that one boss or one colleague who absolutely is not wired to give it to you. Focus instead on the people in your life who naturally support, love, or acknowledge your efforts in meaningful ways.

Safe harbors: In a similar vein, rather than focus energy on people who are negative, toxic, or self-absorbed, learn to channel your efforts into those who fundamentally respect you and have the emotional intelligence required to be a safe harbor. Psychological safety is an important dimension of both individual and team performance. Research from Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson has shown that we optimize performance and learning in groups when both accountability and safety are present.¹² With whom can you let your guard down and share your ideas, thoughts, and observations without judgment or retribution? As your ideas percolate, who will listen and consider the possibilities without raining on your parade or trying to one-up you? That’s your safe harbor.

As you consider these seven roles, remember that it’s not necessary to find people to match all of them. You may have a couple of people who are able to fulfill multiple roles—or you may find that your situation requires only one or two of them. But as you look for the best folks to bring under the tent, consider colleagues, friends, contacts, or family members. If you can’t find someone in your own circle, you might find that bringing in the additional support of an executive coach, a therapist, or a wellness trainer is just what you need.

EXERCISE

Assess Your Current Strategic Network of Support

Be a Good Citizen

As you assemble your network of support, be careful not to adopt a “take” mentality. Wharton professor Adam Grant has explored the roles of “givers” and “takers” in his research. Givers contribute to others with no expectation of receiving anything in return. Takers, meanwhile, try to get others to serve their needs while guarding their own expertise and time.¹³ We’ve all been on the receiving end of people who made audacious requests or who call us only when they need something, or who may give but with a quid pro quo mentality. We’ve all rolled our eyes at the people who are suddenly nice and charming when they need something or believe there is some commercial gain or benefit in it for them.

In contrast, the best supportive relationships evince a healthy give-and-take of information, social access and connections, and personal time and energy.¹⁴ In the New York Times Magazine article “What Google Learned from Its Quest to Build the Perfect Team,” researchers found that a feeling of “psychological safety” was the most important component for ensuring that a team was successful and worked well together. Amy Edmondson’s work that I mentioned was a critical underpinning to what the Google research found. High-performance teams are characterized by interpersonal trust, mutual respect, conversational turn-taking, and empathy.¹⁵ In relationships like these we see that powerful virtuous cycle of growth at work, where we’re aligned to core fundamental values of generosity, service, and nonjudgment. Sometimes our relationships and our desire to support others outweigh time efficiency or productivity because it’s just the right thing to do.

Here are some tips to keep in mind as you build a community of support in a thoughtful and generative way:

• BE A CONSISTENT PRESENCE: There’s nothing more aggravating than someone who is normally impatient and curt and suddenly becomes charming and friendly when they need something. Instead, be available consistently, with a positive presence.
• REMEMBER TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND EXPRESS GRATITUDE: A simple “thank-you” goes a long way.
• FOLLOW UP AND INFORM: Let the other person know how you used information they gave or synthesized what you learned from them, or let them know if you’ve connected with a contact they offered.
• BE AWARE OF RELATIONSHIP OWNERSHIP: Don’t take for granted the social capital someone else may have expended for you.
• LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO GIVE BACK: Consider how you can play one of the seven roles I’ve mentioned for someone else. Pay it forward.

Practice Bringing Attention to Your Own Needs

When you’re in a situation like Derek’s, and the people around you are not shy to declare, ask for, or put their own needs first, it’s easy to lose sight of your own. Healthy relationships and boundaries come first, with a greater understanding of where your own needs begin and end and where others’ needs begin and end.

For example, try this experiment. Take a sheet of paper and draw a horizontal line across the middle. Now, above the line, write down everything that is a true need or priority that originates solely from you. Then, below the line on the bottom half of the page, write down all the requests, emails you must return, documents you’re working on, or things you have on the list that are in response to someone else’s needs or requests, including those of your team, boss, clients/customers, friends, and so on.

I know it’s not totally black and white given all the interdependencies we have with others, but give it a try for the sake of being able to see where your priorities and needs begin and end and where others’ priorities and needs begin and end. Here are some of the things I hear from clients, like Derek, who try this exercise:

• When I looked at what was on the bottom half of the sheet, I realized out of sheer habit, I tend to handle those items first.
• While I’m responsive to others, I risk never getting to some of the important longer-term items on the top half of the page.
• I was surprised by how uncomfortable the experiment was. It felt selfish to make that kind of distinction between my needs and others’ needs.
• I could feel the part of me that likes to be wanted, wants to be connected to others, doesn’t want to let others down. But maybe I’ve taken it too far by always putting the top half of the paper off to later.

Another good way to start practicing paying attention to your own needs is noticing when you are starting to feel “quietly” frustrated, resentful, angry, or upset about something. When you feel this tension, immediately get curious:

• Do I have an unspoken expectation or need I’m not expressing?
• Is there a request of someone else I’m not making that I need to?
• Am I watering down what I really need by not wanting to trouble others?
• What is the underlying need I have?

Be Clear on Emotional Ownership and Accountability

I’m not suggesting that you stop supporting others or stop being in service of others. I’m asking you to give yourself permission to acknowledge your own priorities and to take accountability for them, and to recognize when others have needs and when they—not you—need to take accountability for them. Here are some strategies to try.

Discern when giving is about your values rather than about your fears. As I continued to work with Derek, he and I dug more deeply into the dynamics at his work and discovered the difference between a Leader A and a Leader B day. On Leader A days, Derek gave or supported someone else in a way that left him feeling like he had truly made a difference or contributed to someone else meaningfully. The “give” was authentic and sincere, and it tied to his core values of good citizenship, generosity, and using his gifts, talents, and natural emotional intelligence wisely.

As Derek reflected on Leader B days, he saw that some of the motivation behind his giving or responding to others was to avoid conflict or preclude guilt. He realized the people most getting his attention were often the loudest, pushiest, or whiniest, or those who backed him up on his heels. On those Leader B days, he felt manipulated or fearful of someone else’s retribution, disappointment, or disapproval.

Add EO to your EQ. Emotional ownership (EO) is the ability to take responsibility and accountability for your own emotions. Emotional quotient (EQ) is the ability to tune into others. Maybe, like Derek, you have great EQ—and in fact, your antennae for others’ feelings may be so powerful that you absorb too much, beyond what is yours. You may be unnecessarily taking on more stress or accountability for that other person than the situation warrants.

When your EQ is high, you may be able to sense others’ emotions, needs, or desires (maybe even before they are able to articulate them!), but part of the work is learning to notice them without reacting, giving in, or rescuing (we’ll cover more on this in chapter 5 on presence). When you feel the urge to say yes to another person or take on something for them, but you know you are doing it out of fear or habit rather than your values, hit the pause button. Say to yourself before acting: “This is their emergency, not mine.” You can also use the power of visualization: imagine pulling your antennae back into yourself when they start to feel frayed. Give yourself a break from always sensing what’s going on for others.

Respond with Grace

When I work with people on building healthier boundaries, I caution them not to swing the pendulum too far the other way. This can lead to a disruption and inconsistency of presence—especially if your demeanor is naturally approachable and open.

Boundaries are not about putting on a suit of armor and assuming a defensive posture in trying to protect your time, energy, or emotions like a solider stationed at the top of a fortress keeping enemies at bay. They’re also not about opening your door so wide that everyone and anything can get in. They’re about finding that middle ground that honors and protects your needs while remaining judiciously available to others. Figure 4-2 provides a visual of the continuum of boundaries; the goal is to aim for the middle ground of “Healthy Boundaries.”

Seek more information and assess. Hear out another person’s need and then assess the situation: Is that a need you can meet authentically? There are no hard-and-fast rules. Because there is always nuance in situations, rather than a default yes or a default no, don’t give an answer right away. If the request comes via email, ask to set up a time to hear out the person or send some questions to clarify what’s really being asked. Solicit the information you need so you can make an astute decision for your organization, your family, or yourself. Now go back to chapter 2 and look at the categories of your yesses and nos. Seek information to determine if this is a strategic yes, if this is a partial yes, or if it was never your yes to begin with.

Acknowledge the request or person. While you might be turning down or renegotiating the request itself, it doesn’t mean you have to turn down the person. Remember, these interactions with others are still points of connection, and important relationships should always be handled with care and respect. Make your goodwill transparent, and use your EQ to acknowledge what you sense may be going on for the other person:

• “I appreciate your thinking of me for this opportunity.”
• “I hear your sense of urgency on this.”
• “That is a good question.”
• “While I can’t do it myself, I’m happy to refer you to some others who may be a good fit.”

Respond accordingly. How you ultimately respond then becomes a function of how you assessed the situation or request. Below are a range of possible responses:

• SAY NO GRACIOUSLY WITHOUT DEFENSIVENESS: There are some cases where taking a pass or politely declining a request or an invitation is what is most important for your long-term effectiveness and scalability. Consider the trade-offs or implications of saying yes to one additional thing that could tip the scales.
• SHARE WHAT YOU CAN DO: In some cases, we are able to assist but not for the whole need. Offer what you can do, or let the person know when you would become available. Share the conditions by which you’d be able to help, and make that be a starting point to negotiate a win-win.
• OFFER SUGGESTIONS OR ALTERNATIVES: Help make the connection to the right person on your team. You could say something like: “Given what you are trying to solve, it’s best to speak to Henry, who’s closer to that issue,” or “Out of respect to the team, George would be your best person to help you sort that through,” or “You’ll get a speedier outcome by going to Maria on that.”
• SHARE ADDITIONAL CONTEXT IF WARRANTED: Name the risks and trade-offs to other potential projects or engagements if you take on the request. You want all parties to understand the impact on you, the work, or the other person. Share your assumptions about where something sits in the broader set of priorities for the team or the organization.

Understand that your relationships with other people are a dance and that as you grow and take on new things, you will outgrow certain people or relationships. As you change the rules of engagement, there could be backlash or discomforts. That is why I encourage you not to swing the pendulum too far and to always act in alignment to your character and values, with what’s best for the business and strategic for the situation at hand.