“Of all the gin joints in all the world she has to walk into mine. You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can take it, I can take it. Go ahead Sam, play it!”
—Humphrey Bogart, as Mr. Rick, in Casablanca
“Of all the people in the world that you may be least inclined to be assertive with, your boss is at the top or near the top of the list. If you can be assertive with others, you can be assertive with your boss. If your boss can be assertive with you, you certainly can be assertive back. Go ahead Sam, or Samantha, be assertive!”
—Jeff Davidson, as author, in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Assertiveness
In recent years there have been all kinds of books with titles such as Never Work for a Jerk, How to Manage Your Boss, and Influencing Others When You Are Not in Charge. The underlying theme, I suppose, because I didn’t read any of them, is that in any boss-employee situation there is give-and-take that often extends beyond what the employee might surmise. In other words, you have more leverage when it comes to working with your boss than you might presume.
The chief way to wield this leverage is by being assertive. Obviously, there are some things you wouldn’t dare try with your boss that you can get away with when dealing with others. In this chapter, I’ll explore how being assertive can help you to enjoy all the potential bennies!
You hear about it all the time. Someone has to go in and talk to the boss, and they fret for days before the big event. They practice in the mirror, talk to their spouse, even talk in their sleep. Clearly, for many of us, talking to the boss can be an anxiety-laden event.
Understandably, a range of anxieties and concerns can bubble to the surface when it comes to having to be assertive with your boss. After all, he or she has authority and leverage over you that other people simply don’t have. For example, your boss may:
As if this weren’t enough, in addition to the authorized power that your boss is likely to have over you, he may also have other forms of power, including the following:
These factors and many others add up to the likelihood that on occasion, if not often, you’ll have some difficulty in asserting yourself with your boss! Despite all of the advantages your boss seems to enjoy, you have some leverage too. As such, you may want to do some exercises in preparation for the times when you’ll wish to assert yourself.
Please get a blank piece of paper and a pen. On the top page, write “Outstanding Attributes.” Now, list everything you can think of about yourself that is outstanding, particularly your innate skills and attributes. For example, your list might include wit, charm, stamina, endurance, tolerance, and affability.
You might add phrases such as “keen powers of concentration,” “the ability to set priorities,” or “the ability to meet deadlines.” The list you generate should contain at least 15 or 20 items. Many people can reach 30, 40, or more. If you can’t think of that many, refer to Chapters 5–8 on self-confidence for ideas.
When you’ve finished with this list, write another heading, “Specific Skills.” Now list every blessed thing that you’ve learned professionally over the past several years. For example, do you know how to use Microsoft Word 9.0? List that. If you know how to use Internet search engines, include that as well. Run through all the software that you know how to use, office equipment that you can operate, and office procedures that you are knowledgeable about.
Make It So
If you have trouble generating a list of your skills and attributes, recall what others have said about you either verbally or on paper. Or perhaps you have letters others have written to or about you that contain phrases that describe you.
Then list any other professional skills that you have, such as mastery of a foreign language, the ability to use other equipment, and so on. This list may exceed 30 items and if it’s double or more, all the better!
Finally, under the heading “People,” make a list of the empowering people in your life—those people who have an effect on your professional and personal life. This should include everyone you can get on the phone and share information with at the touch of the keypad. It also includes any mentors that you have, coaches, advisors, team members, or helpers of any nature.
This list, too, may reach 30 people or more. If you’ve been in the working world for a while and have been fairly active in your industry or profession, your list could exceed 100 people. You have my permission, however, to stop at about 50 or 60 names.
Make It So
Go through your Rolodex, address book, or database software file. Who are the key people that you count on as resources?
If you find it hard to list 30 people, set a lower goal, such as 10 or 15.
When you’ve completed all three lists, put the page away, and take it out another day to review it. This list serves as a reminder of who you are, what you can do, and who you know. Think of it as a resource tool, a confidence booster if you find yourself being less assertive than you’d like when confronting your boss.
Handle with Care
If you’re fearful, hesitant, or unsure of yourself, it will show, no matter what words and phrases you actually use.
Recalling the words of Dr. Janet G. Elsea in Chapter 13, you cannot not communicate. In other words, every time you speak to your boss, regardless of the actual words and phrases that you use, you’re communicating. If you’ve recently reviewed your resource list as well as Chapters 5–8 on self-confidence, your sense of self-confidence and assurance will come through to your boss the next time you’re in conversation.
In addition to preparing a resource list, you should begin laying the groundwork now in conversations with your boss. This will come in handy later, for those times when you seek to assert yourself. Here are a variety of tips for doing so:
Make It So
Practice saying these in the mirror:
- “Yes, this is my job, and I’ll take care of it.”
- “I accept complete responsibility for that.”
- “That’s definitely in my department; I’ll handle it.”
- “That’s something I will handle personally.”
- “That sounds like something in my department.”
- “I’ll get the situation under control.”
By engaging in these behaviors, you’ll find that often you have more latitude later, when you may need to assert yourself.
Martha Peak, group editor at American Management Association Magazines division, said in an editorial in Management Review (February 1995): “Correctly sizing up your boss’s communications preferences may mean the difference between getting your project off the ground or watching it fall moribund before it gets a fair chance of survival.”
“The most effective style is not one that follows some preferred textbook approach,” says Peak, “but rather, one that the listener is most attuned to.” Thus, if your boss prefers that you sit down and chat for a few minutes, get good at doing that. If he prefers that you stand by the door and give a quick report, so be it.
Convey the good and the bad as it transpires. If you have to deliver bad news, however, it’s best to have a strategy already mapped out.
Make It So
Because the workplace is so hectic today, you can’t go wrong if you keep your conversations or communications brief and to the point.
Too many employees are afraid of falling prey to the Persian Messenger Syndrome. As the story goes, in ancient times, whoever brought bad news to the king was beheaded. Soon enough, no one brought bad news to the king.
The great paradox of this situation is that to be an effective king, or a boss for that matter, one has to have accurate information about what’s happening in the kingdom, or in the department. If your boss is only being fed good news or a sugar-coated version of what’s happening, he’s likely to fail as a leader.
If you’re the one staff person who can deliver bad news without blinking and also have some ideas or solutions to impart, you’ll have far less trouble when you need to assert yourself in major ways, like asking for a raise.
So, what strategies can you employ for delivering bad news? Try following this plan:
Earlier I asked you to develop a resource list that contained a roster of your attributes, acquired skills, and human resources. Concocting that three-part list undoubtedly took a few minutes, but if you did it (did you do it?) and review it often, it’s likely you will experience the benefits.
Now, I’m asking you to create another list, and this one is going to take a while. I call it your “Internal Achievements List.” It is a clear, detailed, and accurate list of what you’ve done for your team, department, or division in the past six months, year, or two years.
Here are some examples to get you started:
January—Received credit as one of eight associates contributing to the annual report.
January—Appointed by team as chair for the first-quarter meetings.
February—Completed second appearance before industry council representing the organization’s philosophical viewpoint.
March—Participated in the reorganization of the department library.
Armed with such a list, you will be your most effective self when asking for greater rewards due to your contributions and value to the organization. Memorize these before sitting down with your boss. You can also type them up concisely so that you can position a single piece of paper on your lap and look down to see an instant reminder of all you’ve accomplished.
Here are some examples of assertive language that you can use, having discussed your various contributions to the organization:
Obviously, some of these statements work better with some boss’s personalities than others. Without meeting you or your boss, I can’t tell you what approach will be most effective with your boss.
Depending on the size and nature of your organization, you may receive an annual, semiannual, or quarterly performance appraisal. The appraisal might be tied in to a raise or be independent of it.
Some people look forward to performance appraisals—especially if they’re linked to raises. Also, for many people it’s the only time they get positive feedback from frantic, overextended bosses. Hence, a performance appraisal can be a positive experience. But for many people, this may not be true. You probably don’t enjoy performance appraisals. Your boss probably doesn’t like them either. This is why you should make the performance process far less upsetting, and, in fact, even somewhat enjoyable, by asserting yourself!
As you would do when asking for a raise, bring along your Internal Achievements List. In addition, spend 10 or 15 minutes a few days beforehand mapping out a little strategy:
Mentally rehearse what you’ll say in each instance, so that you’ll feel confident and do your best when it counts—during the actual appraisal.
It’s vital to remember during a performance appraisal that you’re not some waif who by the grace of God was given this job, and every now and then given a cookie and a pat on the back for your efforts. Your performance is being appraised so that you can obtain feedback, formulate strategies for improvement, and understand your role and position in the organization.
Concurrently, your boss gets your views on how you’re doing, which can be valuable information for him. He also gets the opportunity to learn more about his effectiveness as a boss, and the opportunity, potentially, to reward you.
All of this points to the notion that you want to engage in this discussion as someone on an even plane, almost an equal partner to the performance appraiser.
If performance appraisals are a time of high anxiety for you, Marsha Reynolds, a personal and business coach based in Minneapolis, Minnesota, has an idea that’s an interesting variation on an earlier theme. She suggests that you make a brief roster of your strengths, such as intelligence, compassion, and creativity. Put these on a pocket-size card. Then, before you enter some potentially intimidating situation, whether it be a performance appraisal or a phone conversation, find a quiet place and actually read the card out loud, saying “I am” before each item.
By the time you get to the end of your list, Reynolds says that your sense of self will be stronger. You’ll approach the encounter feeling powerful and centered.
Here’s how to get the best from your performance appraisal, stand up for yourself if necessary, and leave the meeting feeling good about what transpired:
There aren’t many other times in life when you get such pointed, potent information about your capabilities and performance. (If you could tape the performance appraisal all the better, although I doubt that many performance appraisers would be comfortable having such a device present.)
Make It So
Your self-performance appraisal actually helps to reduce some of your boss’s burden. Each time you objectively assess your own performance, you’re giving her information she can stick in her file on you and use once it’s time for the formal performance appraisal.
Why wait for an annual, semiannual, or quarterly appraisal? Get in the habit of producing your own. Yes! On a weekly, monthly, or other interim basis, provide your boss with a one-page, unsolicited appraisal of your performance. Make it as accurate and as objective as you possibly can.
At first, your boss may be a little dumbfounded that you even went to the trouble. Assuming you aren’t explicitly told to stop, by the third or fourth time you’ve done it, your boss may begin to expect it. Thereafter, he may even look forward to it.
Handle with Care
If you produce your own performance appraisals, say on a monthly basis, and submit them to your boss, remember: This is your own career-related strategy and you don’t need to share it with others.
When the formal-appraisal time rolls around, guess what? More than half the stuff that you’ve submitted makes its way back to you as part of your boss’s feedback. In other words, you get to assert yourself in a grand way. You end up influencing, if not dominating, a process you might have once feared.
When you’re asked to take on too much at work, stay too many hours, or handle more than you’re comfortable handling, the ability to assert yourself is valuable indeed. Suppose you work for a boss who’s a full-fledged workaholic. How do you keep your job, turn in a good performance, maintain sufficient relations, and still have a life? You say “no” without having it sound like “no”:
You don’t want to fall into the trap of declining every time you’re asked to take on more work, because it can have ramifications on your career health and peace of mind. Too many professionals today, fearful that they may lose their job as well as health insurance and other benefits, suffer various forms of work-related abuse because they lack the ability to assert themselves.
Handle with Care
Don’t say “I’m sorry,” advises Patricia Wiklund, a Ph.D. from Fair Oaks, California, who offers training programs on dealing with or managing difficult people. She finds that many people (and not just those in the workplace) have trouble declining to take on extra tasks. “I’m sorry” weakens your credibility and the strength of your refusal, Wiklund says. “The other person will jump right in to play on your guilt.”
Here is some additional language, mildly more forceful, that you may need to draw on, depending on circumstances:
Suppose your boss is one tough son-of-a-gun and despite your protestations to the contrary keeps piling on the work and responsibilities. No matter how effective you are at asserting yourself and how often you do it, you seem to be besieged with more assignments, more projects.
If this is the case for you, the first thing is to stop and assess the situation. Here are the basic options:
Since the middle option is most desirable in those situations in which your boss simply won’t stop dishing out the assignments, assert yourself for the purposes of at least making your situation easier. Here’s some language you can use if you’re willing to only take on some of what’s been assigned:
Using this kind of language doesn’t necessarily mean that you would be happy to handle the assignments, but that you’re doing what you can to accommodate your boss given your already demanding workload.
Having adequate resources to tackle what’s assigned to you can be important. You already know how to structure your requests. The only thing I have to recommend at this juncture is to prepare a memo that will help your boss understand and accept your resource requests. By putting down on paper precisely what you need and why, you give your boss the ammunition he may need to “make it so.”
Make It So
Succinctly convey that what’s being asked of you is not something you can simply add to the fray, but rather will require blood, sweat, and tears, (whoops, I mean money, time, and effort).
For example, you could compute how many hours would be necessary to tackle the new assignment, how much that would cost in terms of bringing another staff person on board, and what the overall return would be. Proceed in a similar fashion if you need a bigger budget in general, new equipment, or other resources to be successful in handling the added assignments.
If the situation looks untenable—no level of assertiveness on your part is sufficient—you may be forced to either consider leaving the organization, getting transferred elsewhere, or taking on the extra work against your better judgment.
If you take on the extra work, do so for a finite period of time, until you can make a major job change. When you see a light at the end of the tunnel it makes whatever you have to endure in the present a little more tolerable. Your long-term health and well-being are far more important than any job situation in which they are put into jeopardy.
If you have to take on the work, but you don’t want to make a major job change, keep in mind that even crunch periods come to an end. Hang in there!
John Caposy, author of Why Climb the Corporate Ladder When You Can Take the Elevator?, has some sage advice, particularly when dealing with your boss, with which I will close this chapter: