Chapter 23
 Assertiveness with Your Peers

In the book and subsequent movie, The Lord of the Flies, by William Golding, a group of boys are marooned on an island. After several weeks, they resort to tribal behavior with each other. The stronger, more influential, and more assertive children take the lead. The weak, passive children become the whipping boys. The culture that ensues is not a pleasant one—it’s built on a hierarchy based on strength and influence. The lower castes are stigmatized and brutalized. By the end of the story, if it were not for adult intervention, the weak, passive types would have been killed.

Now, about you and your peers at work. Being assertive is going to make a big difference in how you’re treated, what advantages come your way, and what kind of relationships you form. This chapter tells all.

You and Your Peers

To be one of the guys or gals, you have to be able to stand your ground as well as any of the other guys or gals, maybe even better. Although you may have less trouble being assertive with your peers than you do with your boss, chances are there’s a thing or two more you could be doing to be more assertive with your peers.

Poor Substitutes

Many studies reveal that if one co-worker feels slighted or upset because of the actions of another co-worker, the first party is likely to engage in any one of a number of activities, many of which are not helpful or productive to either party. For example, when upset with a co-worker, professionals report that at various times they have resorted to:

• Avoiding the person throughout the day
  
• Giving the other person the silent treatment

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   Make It So
  Being assertive in your home life, with friends, and relatives, in your community, and everywhere you roam can certainly help you get more of what you want more of the time. Being assertive in the workplace, particularly among your peers, is not just helpful, it’s mandatory.

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• Talking behind the other person’s back
  
• Ratting on the other person to his or her boss
  
• Making derisive comments to the person
  
• Unobtrusively deciding not to support or cooperate with the other person
  
• Using various means to try to get even
  
• Asking to be transferred out of the department
  
• Engaging in a shouting match
  
• Pulling rank on the other person (if applicable)
  
• Coercing the other person into an apology
  
• Attempting to have the other person leave his or her job or the organization altogether
  
• Taking a pill for stress or anxiety and trying to forget about it
  
• Taking a drink and attempting to forget about it
  
• Making friends with others in the organization who may not like the person as well
  
• Resigning from one’s position or at least looking for a new job
  
• Talking about the incident with other co-workers, ostensibly trying to gain empathy
  
• Talking about the issue with spouse, friends, or others away from the workplace

These are not happy outcomes. The strategy that makes the most sense most of the time is to talk about the situation directly with the person involved. If that comes hard for you, then this chapter is for you.

Conflict Is Not Inherently Bad

Although you may have been slighted, offended, or otherwise upset, not all conflict at work is necessarily bad. People sometimes believe that conflict means that there’s a breakdown in communications or that one party simply doesn’t get it. Even fully functioning, rational people, however, can view a situation differently. Thus, conflict may help bring differing views and opinions to the surface so that ultimately a team can achieve great synergy and the desired results.

How Do Others See You?

To get a handle on how you might be perceived by others at work, think about four or five terms others might use to describe you. Would they call you aggressive, sensitive, loud, caring, egotistical, intelligent, careless, thoughtful, or uninspired?

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 Handle with Care
There may be some co-workers with whom you will never see eye to eye. This doesn’t mean you can’t be effective working with and around them. You both can be assertive if you understand that your individual differences need to be subdued for the overall good of the project, team, or organization.

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Taking the notion a bit further, what would your co-workers see as your four or five strengths? Might it be your tenacity, accuracy, inventiveness, listening ability, assurance, leadership, or simply positive attitude? Then, what would they see as your four or five most notable weaknesses? Be honest here. Might it be that you rush your work, are always looking for shortcuts, are not a team player, miss deadlines too frequently, or don’t plan your time well in general?

Not Everyone Is Going to Like You, No Matter What!

I once had a job where one co-worker in particular flat out didn’t like me. It didn’t matter what I did or said, or whether I tried to avoid or befriend this person. Maybe I looked too much like someone from the past. Who knows?

After a couple weeks of subtle hostility, I decided to assert myself. Rather than confront this person directly, I determined that the best strategy would be to write a note. It simply said:

It must have worked. Although we never discussed it, I was thereafter able to have semi-pleasant exchanges with this person in the hallways.

Some Nuts Are Tough to Crack

Of course, it doesn’t always work this easily. I could have written that note, and ended up fanning the flames even hotter. I felt I had to do something, however. By acknowledging that I knew I wasn’t liked, and then drawing upon the fact that we were both dedicated, hard-working, talented management consultants, I “bonded us” in a novel way under less than ideal circumstances.

On Being One of the Guys/Gals

Your decision to be one of the gang is uniquely up to you. Many people go along with the crowd because they feel that it gives them social advantages. When they want or need to stand up for themselves it’s certainly a heck of a lot easier if they’re doing it within their own circle. For most people it seems “safer” as well.

There could be problems with trying to be one of the gang when you’re the boss. Employees always treat the boss a bit differently and may not welcome your efforts to befriend them, so play it by ear.

Yet, “being one of the guys or gals” is not a prerequisite to effectively asserting yourself with individuals within the group or with the whole group itself. I’m sure you’ve known mavericks, lone wolves, or outsiders who, when they needed to assert themselves, could do perfectly well.

Getting to Know You

If you want to form a stronger relationship with your co-workers or simply to get to know them more quickly, you have lots of strategies. You can engage in any one of the following:

• Just start talking
  
• Involve them in what you’re doing
  
• Attend the same convention, outing, or task force, and meet and converse early on the first day of that event
  
• Communicate honestly from the outset
  
• Convey more interest in them than in yourself
  
• Touch them emotionally
  
• Find a common cause
  
• Share a mutual deadline

Each of these strategies can bring you closer to another person.

To Befriend or Not to Befriend

Much has been written on networking as a strategy for career advancement. Networking works best when there is truly some element of friendship involved. There are few people I can think of offhand with whom I network on a regular basis who I’m not otherwise friends with or at least friendly with. It’s probably the same for you.

Focus on activities and behaviors that tend to give you a stronger bond with your co-workers, with the understanding that for most people it’s easier to be assertive with a friend than a nonfriend.

Among a boat-load of strategies for upping your friendship quotient with your co-workers, here are several, many of which may be right for you:

• Begin exchanging letters, e-mail, etc.
  
• Support their cause
  
• Serve as a sounding board
  
• Tell the truth
  
• Convey gladness to hear from them
  
• Share a common need

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   Word Power
  Networking is strategically connecting with others for purposes of friendship, career advancement, or information exchange.

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• Mutually admire something about each other
  
• Work through a crisis together
  
• Remember their birthdays and surprise them!

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 Just the Facts
Dr. Bernard Guerin, a member of the Department of Psychology at the University of Waikato in New Zealand, recently conducted a study in which he found that participants were able to be more assertive with a friend than with a stranger. Hence, a sound strategy for being more assertive among your co-workers if this has been a lingering problem for you is to get to know them better, and even become more friendly with them.

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Listen Up, Partner

The greatest single courtesy you can give to a co-worker and at the same time lay the groundwork for you to be assertive when you need to be is to be a better listener.

I’ve alluded to listening throughout the book, and in the context of working with others, listening takes on an added measure of importance. After all, to meet tough challenges, critical deadlines, and stay profitable, you need to work as effectively and efficiently as possible much of the time. Being a good listener is effective and efficient.

Being More Influential Right Where You Are

With all the talk about teamwork today, many people don’t realize there are times when individual assertiveness is called for.

In the quest to avoid conflict, do you find yourself not speaking up with co-workers when your insides are telling you to do so? Here’s a quick quiz to see if you’re being too reluctant to speak up with your co-workers:

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If you answered yes to three or more questions, assertiveness with your co-workers is a problem for you. If you answered yes to four or five questions, you need to reread all the chapters in this book several times (just kidding).

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 Make It So
Recognize that conflicts at work are not only normal, but can actually be healthy in terms of finding solutions more quickly, airing grievances that would have otherwise festered, and staying focused on the best way to meet challenges.

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Because being assertive is part and parcel to open and straightforward interpersonal communications, I suggest that you reexamine this quiz. Then, the next time any of the situations described in the quiz occur, level with your co-workers. Tell them how you feel and what outcome you think can be accomplished.

Say Your Peace

Here are some phrases you can use in situations where you need to speak up with a co-worker or the group and you’re concerned that you might upset the harmony or balance that seems to prevail:

• “I’m not trying to upset the apple cart or anything, but I need to point out that . . .”
  
• “This is just a suggestion, but one that I think everyone ought to strongly consider . . .”
  
• “Before we go any further, there’s something I feel compelled to say about . . .”
  
• “We’ve been through a lot together, so I’m asking you to hear me out about . . .”
  
• “There’s something that’s concerning me that would probably be best to get to now . . .”
  
• “I’m somewhat troubled that . . .”

What is it about the language of the preceding phrases that makes them effective? You’re being vulnerable and respectful, yet assertive.

For a particularly sticky situation where you feel you need to assert yourself, use language that draws the other person in. For example:

• “I need your help on something that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind . . .”
  
• “Could I ask a favor of you? Right now I’m feeling as if xyz and I’m not sure if you understand your part in that . . .”
  
• “One of the things I like about you is that I can shoot straight from the hip with you . . .”
  
• “This is not easy for me to say, but . . .”
  
• “I have a burning issue and I need to call upon your keen powers of attention . . .”

The unifying theme of these statements is that you ask for help.

Start with One and Move On to Others

Generally speaking, it’s easier to be assertive with a single co-worker than with a group of co-workers, likewise with a friend than with a stranger. Thus, if you’re reluctant to assert yourself among a group of co-workers, for now, don’t do it. Start with just another co-worker, one on one.

Handling Criticism from Co-Workers

When someone lets you have it, either fairly or unfairly, constructively or nonconstructively, first consider who is making the charges. In his book, A Strategy for Winning, Carl Mays suggests that you assess each of your co-workers by asking yourself the following questions:

• Is this person helping to build me up or tear me down?
  
• Is this person helping me reach goals and objectives I’ve set for myself?
  
• Does this person have his own goals?
  
• Have we been able to support each other?
  
• Do we have similar value systems?

If the co-worker who is criticizing you scores well after you’ve made this assessment, then give him or her the benefit of the doubt, and listen as closely as you can.

If this co-worker does not score well when assessing him based on these questions, continue to listen as best you can. Remember, there are always grains of truth in even the most malevolent of criticism. While you’re listening to the co-worker, try to engage in some of the following behaviors:

• Don’t go on the offensive. It’s not going to help if you launch a counterattack, however emotionally satisfying that might seem.
  
• Don’t feign agreement when you really don’t agree. It may help things in the short term, but soon enough, when there’s no activity or behavioral change on your part, the other person will see through your ruse.
  
• Stay focused on the issue at hand. If someone says you weren’t supportive on the xyz report, he’s talking about the xyz report, not the last five years of your career.

Verbal Sparring

What can you say to assert yourself, stand your ground, let the other party know how you feel, and not exacerbate the situation? Plenty!

First, acknowledge the other person’s input. You can say something reasonably nice along the lines of, “I acknowledge you for what you’ve said, but I don’t see it that way.” Or acknowledge any part of what they said that you can agree with while expressing your lack of agreement for the rest. Acknowledging the other person’s input is important and effective because on some level, everyone loves acknowledgment.

Next, take five to cool down or collect your thoughts. Tell the other party, “You’ve laid a lot on me and I’m going to need time to ponder what you’ve said. I’ll get back in touch with you after the weekend.”

If the criticizer wants more immediate responsiveness, try saying something like, “Okay, that’s a lot to drop on somebody. I just can’t respond this moment, let me take it up again with you in a few minutes.” In those few minutes you can regain your composure, perhaps, or approach the issue with greater objectivity.

You also have the option of asking the other party to refine her observation. For example, say, “Could you say that a different way?” or “Could you elaborate on that?” In both instances, you may get the other party to shed more light on the situation.

Another response (one that you should practice with greater frequency) is saying, “You know, you’re right. I flubbed that one. It’s my responsibility to get things back on track.”

Sam Horn, an author from Hawaii who has written the helpful and amusing Tung Fu: The Art of Verbal Self-Defense, says that when you make a blunder, sometimes the best and easiest thing to do is just to say, “Oops! I really blew that one.”

Repellent Strategies

There may be times when someone who is criticizing you is being totally unfair, and it’s someone who is not supportive of you anyway.

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 Make It So
Agreeing with your criticizer when he has valid points, even if he comes on a little too strong, will disarm most rational people. They won’t have much to say after you’ve admitted responsibility for the faux pas.

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I don’t advocate escalating any situation so that you have a permanent long-standing enemy within your organization. That’s highly counterproductive. Try using one of the following phrases:

• “I think your criticism is unfounded.”
  
• “I think you’ve overreacted.”
  
• “Let’s look at this objectively.”

Dealing with Coy Behavior

Every now and then, a co-worker might ask you a question to which they already know the answer: “Did you turn in the report on time?” (when he or she knows that you didn’t). Or they might really be trying to get at something else. If you dutifully respond, you play right into their hands. Short-change the process by using one of the following responses:

• “What are you really asking me?”
  
• “What’s behind your concern?”
  
• “Okay, what do you want to know?”
  
• “I’m sensing that this isn’t what you really want to know.”

Said without emotion, all of these represent fair and effective assertive replies. Stand up for yourself without trampling on the rights of others. You also have the option to offer a short answer, such as a yes or no, and say nothing more.

You don’t have to tolerate coy behavior, but don’t be rude, either. If you do offer a short answer, do so with sincerity and a smile, and then turn to something else.

Being Assertive for the Good of the Group

What should you do if, to the best of your knowledge, your entire group is headed in the wrong direction? Here’s where you earn your stripes. There’s a variety of strategies for asserting yourself for the good of the group. Let’s tackle them one by one.

Make a Flat-Out Appeal

If the group is assembled, take the floor, and, using everything you know, make your case. If the group is scattered, send an e-mail, write a memo, or connect by conference call.

Trying to redirect a group is the fastest way to evoke change, but also the riskiest. You risk the distinct possibility of one person disagreeing and others joining in. You also risk being subject to group-think, wherein the group simply can’t make a change because they’re so heavily invested in the plans already in place.

Proceed with caution, however. If you’re not the most senior person, it could be dangerous to send such an e-mail to superiors. You may commit career suicide by trying to tell your superiors that they’re going the wrong way. You might try calling first, tempering your message one-on-one over the phone, and then send a follow-up e-mail if appropriate.

The Behind-the-Scenes Approach

With this strategy, you visit or communicate with each member of the group, one on one, one at a time. Obviously, this takes longer and requires more effort on your part, but the risk is lower. If you can convince one person, you can use that victory to go to the next person, and so on.

Eventually, when you have half the group or more on your side, or even one of the most influential people in the group on your side, it’s a safe bet that you’ll be able to sway the rest.

Again, proceed with caution. You run the risk of people (especially those who may have championed the strategy you’re disagreeing with) feeling that you’re sneaking around. Once you get some people on your side, tell the rest that these people agreed with you. There is strength in numbers!

Bring Up Your Issue as a “What If” and Ask for Input

In this scenario, you approach the group, perhaps when you’re already meeting. You voice your concerns as if you’re not absolutely certain, but you have strong reason to believe that xyz will happen. Although a response like this may seem to go against the notion of assertiveness, sometimes the best tactic is to act less certain than you are, especially if you sense you’ve come on too strong in the past.

You then ask the group to consider this possibility and various alternatives they might take if it were true. If you have the opportunity, you might ask them to engage in brainstorming.

Your quest is to get the group to grapple with the issue that you raise, so that by the time they’re through talking, it’s a group concern and not necessarily your concern.