Chapter 13
 Physical Assertiveness

I once had a five-foot-five, 110-pound girlfriend who feared going out after dark, even in suburban or rural neighborhoods.

At another time in my life I had a girlfriend who was five-foot-two and weighed 98 pounds. She boldly went anywhere, anytime. There was something about her, a physical assertiveness, that projected to others. Even at a distance, it was evident that she walked with purpose, stood tall, and was aware and alert. She projected authority and yes, even strength. This greatly diminished her chance of being a target for crime and gave her a higher level of freedom than others of her physical stature.

In this chapter, we’ll explore what physical assertiveness is all about and how you can project it. You don’t necessarily need to run to the gym and pick up the barbells. Instead, you’ll merely learn how to project that you’re in control.

Walking Tall—Will the Dynamic You Please Step Forward?

As a six-foot-three, 180-pound athletic male, I probably appear to be physically assertive. Indeed, I’ve been fortunate that no matter how late at night I’ve taken a walk in any city, I’ve never even been jostled. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going to push my luck. I look tougher than I am. (Actually, I’m probably a pushover.)

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 Word Power
Physical assertiveness is the ability to convey with your body and demeanor that you can stand up for yourself and you’re in charge.

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You may have observed, however, that size and bulk in and of themselves do not necessarily equal physical assertiveness.

If you speak to the police in your community, you’ll find that they have at least a loose profile of the typical victim of a mugging. Independent of sex and age, those most prone to be attacked:

• Walk with shoulders slumped forward.
  
• Look down.
  
• Have poor posture.
  
• Do not swing their arms.
  
• Seem unaware of the larger surroundings.

Conversely, independent of sex and age, those less likely to be targets of muggings exhibit at least a few if not all of the following characteristics:

• Walk with an even stride.
  
• Swing their arms a little.
  
• Keep their heads up.
  
• Take in much if not all of their surroundings.
  
• Have good posture.
  
• Glance carefully at the people they pass.
  
• Look alert.
  
• Walk briskly.

Whether you’re walking down the street or in the office, think back to the times when you were your most dynamic self. How do those times differ from those when you were a shrinking violet?

Among the many behaviors and gestures you might exhibit, here are some that convey, physically, that you are a assertive person:

• Look the other party right in the eye.
  
• Speak with authority.
  
• Confidently enter a room.
  
• Take the seat of your choice.
  
• Maintain good posture.
  
• Dress well.
  
• Prepare.
  
• Smile.
  
• Maintain a pleasant demeanor.
  
• Speak at an even and unhurried pace.
  
• Firmly shake hands.
  
• Take the initiative to heartily greet the other party.
  
• Remain in control during the meeting.
  
• Deliver your points with gusto.
  
• Leave at the appropriate time.
  
• Stride out with vigor.

What about those times when you were a shrinking violet, not at your best? What can you recall about the messages that you imparted, either verbal or nonverbal?

Now, think back to some time when you were more of a shrinking violet. Do you recall that you:

• Didn’t look the other party right in the eye?
  
• Didn’t speak with authority?
  
• Weren’t confident entering the room?
  
• Didn’t take the seat of your choice?
  
• Didn’t maintain good posture?
  
• Weren’t dressed well?
  
• Weren’t well prepared?
  
• Didn’t smile?
  
• Didn’t maintain a pleasant demeanor?
  
• Didn’t speak at an even and unhurried pace?
  
• Didn’t firmly shake hands?
  
• Didn’t take the initiative to heartily greet the other party?
  
• Didn’t remain in control during the meeting?
  
• Didn’t deliver your points with gusto?
  
• Didn’t leave at the appropriate time?
  
• Didn’t stride out with vigor?

Now, for the Illinois Lotto Jackpot, here’s your question: What was the difference between the times you were your dynamic self, projecting physical assertiveness, and those when you were your shrinking-violet self, projecting wimpiness? Chances are, you felt confident in those situations in which you projected well, and experienced a lack of confidence in those situations where you came off as a dishrag.

Noted interpersonal communications specialist Dr. Janet Elsea says that you cannot not communicate. Body language is critical in establishing a positive image.

Body language certainly accounts for a sizable chunk of the message you impart to others. My five-foot-five, 110-pound girlfriend imparted to others that she was fearful. My five-foot-two, 98-pound girlfriend imparted that she was confident. The simple key to projecting an aura of greater physical assertiveness is self-awareness. When you’re aware of what your body imparts to others, the changes you need to make come naturally and easily.

Meeting Yourself for the First Time

I once had a rare encounter with my physical image that few people have the opportunity to experience. I was in Worcester, Massachusetts, (for those not from New England, that’s pronounced “Wuhster”) on my way to an appointment. As I turned a corner, walking away from one building, much to my surprise, I encountered someone roughly my height walking directly toward me.

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 Handle with Care
So often, when we look at ourselves, we focus on the same things. We look at our eyes, hair, or skin, often failing to take in the whole person, which is much closer to the way others look at us.

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It took a few seconds for the realization to register. I was looking at myself in a huge mirror. This particular building I was approaching had one side that was covered completely with mirrors. For a few seconds, I saw myself as others do because, indeed, I did not realize it was me.

Although slightly but not overly critical of myself when looking in the bathroom mirror, I curiously was somewhat pleased when seeing myself, unexpectedly, in the middle of a large metropolitan area. I could stand up a little straighter—my mother always told me to do this. Overall, however, it was okay. My quick and unscientific assessment was that I projected well.

Simulating a Surprise Viewing

Since you’re not likely to stumble upon a mirror unexpectedly, here’s how you can assess how you come across in general and, in particular, whether you’re physically assertive:

• When you leave your house or office for 30 minutes or less, set up a video camcorder to capture yourself on videotape as you return through the door.
  
• If you enter the first time having completely forgotten that you put the camcorder in place, you’ll capture on tape the “true you” for at least a couple of seconds.
  
• If you remember that you have the camcorder in place before opening the door, the experiment will be skewed. In that case, leave the camcorder in place, and tape yourself the next couple of times you run a short errand.
  
• It’s likely you’ll forget you put the camcorder in place one of those times, and, hence, will be able to capture the valuable data.
  
• You could also ask a friend or someone at home to capture you on videotape when you’re not aware of it. Perhaps he or she can film you through a window without you noticing. Yes, I know this recommendation sounds a little funny, but it’s hard for you to get this critical data about yourself any other way.

You could ask people to describe you in terms of your physical presence, but it’s just not the same. A snapshot can help, but it’s static. Only videotape will give you the motion and dynamism that are most revealing.

Working Out, a Little

It’s not mandatory for you to hit the gym, but you don’t see many couch potatoes who are that physically assertive. Even the mildest exercise will help you stay in reasonable physical shape and, hence, help you to project to others. If you belong to a health club or a gym, undoubtedly you know that a variety of weight machines are available today that can help you work out virtually any muscle group in your body.

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 Make It So
Health professionals say that working out for as little as 30 minutes three times a week is sufficient to give you vim and vigor.

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Free weights and various pulley machines are available in most health clubs or gyms. Many of the exercises you can do with weights help strengthen your upper body, which in turn helps your posture. When you’re able to throw your chest out and your shoulders back naturally as you walk, you breathe more efficiently, stand up straighter, tire less easily, and appear more physically assertive.

As I discuss in Chapter 6, while lung capacity is largely hereditary, swimming above all sports helps keep your lungs in their best possible “shape.”

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 Just the Facts
With the preponderance of exercise equipment offered via infomercials on TV practically every hour of the day, you might be inclined to order a piece, enabling you to work out at home. For too many people, unfortunately, the exercise equipment becomes a white elephant they end up stashing in some corner of their home or apartment, or offer for sale in those classified ads, along with dozens of other people trying to sell their equipment. The reason people quickly abandon their home exercise equipment? You tend to work out more often and more vigorously if you’re surrounded by others who are also working out. If you’re that one in 25 or 50 who has the fortitude and discipline to work out at home, go ahead and get exercise equipment for your home.

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Projecting Alertness and Awareness

Why do some people command your respect, even when they say nothing to you or do nothing in particular? Beyond how you carry yourself, and how your body moves, many other factors contribute to your physical assertiveness. Let’s review each of these briefly, keeping an eye on ways you can convey the kind of message to others that you want to.

Facial Expression

Do you go around smiling all day? Do you frown or scowl? Those facial expressions convey messages; a blank expression conveys little. If you have a blank expression on your face, no matter what you’re saying, the other party will have a hard time “hearing you” and look for other clues, such as your body language and voice, to get your overall message.

The blank of face are not giving you enough of the cues you are accustomed to receiving in conversation with others. Hence, you have to pay attention even more closely to get their meaning.

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 Make It So
If you’re the person with the blank expression, this may explain why it often appears that no one is listening to you. Use your face to express meaning!

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Voice Strength and Quality

Are you among the masses who ramble, mumble, or otherwise truncate words? Are you normally soft spoken, particularly when you need more vocal power to convey your message? Many people have particular problems with using their voices when it comes to meeting a stranger, speaking to others over the telephone, or speaking to a group.

We’ll focus on the link between physical assertiveness and vocal assertiveness a little later in the chapter. For now, get in the habit of taping yourself with an audio cassette recorder. Unlike the recommendation to videotape offered previously, you have many opportunities all day long each day to tape your voice.

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 Handle with Care
If you know someone who frequently speaks to you with a blank expression, you now know why you find yourself consistently drifting off when this person speaks to you. You’ll have to engage all of your listening skills to gain a fuller meaning of their message.

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You can tape meetings conducted in your office or elsewhere, or simply read a few pages and play back the recording for feedback. Of course, when taping yourself, you’ll be aware of what you’re doing and may change your voice somewhat. After a few minutes, however, you’ll most likely revert back to something closer to your normal speaking pattern. In any case, you’ll gain much more feedback than you originally had.

Posture

I’ve touched on this before in the section, “Walking Tall—Will the Dynamic You Please Step Forward?” Regarding posture, mentally review how you go about your day. Do you sit up straight in your chair, or are you frequently slumped over? Is your chair at the proper height for you to use your desk, computer, telephone, and other equipment? When conversing with others, say, in the hallway, do you frequently lean on the wall or a table, or do you stand erect but relaxed?

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 Make It So
Once you get the equipment in place, you can tape your phone conversations, play them back, and have a better idea of how you come across, your ability to listen, the pace of your speech, whether your voice is loud or soft, and how expressive you are.

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While there are a few exceptions in life, for most people, sitting up straight projects more authority.

Eye Contact

Whether you’re speaking to someone or listening, your use of eye contact says a lot about you. Looking at someone only intermittently, looking past him, or looking down at the floor is a much less effective means of keeping him in the conversation and having him heed what you say.

Instead, maintain more extended eye contact. I’m not talking about staring somebody down, fixating on him to the point where you don’t ever turn away. That can be considered rude and disconcerting, among other things. I’m talking about holding your eye contact for at least three to five seconds at some points, and as long as 20 to 25 seconds at others.

You can break this up by nodding occasionally, briefly looking up at the ceiling or down at the floor when you’re trying to recall something or come up with a point, pointing to a chalkboard or document between you, or simply glancing away for a moment in any direction.

Think about the times when you had a conversation with someone who avoided eye contact with you at all costs:

• Was this person influential?
  
• Did their words have the most impact possible?
  
• Did you feel comfortable about the conversation?

Chances are, you answered no in all three cases. Others may feel the same if they’re in conversation with you and your eyes are everywhere except on them.

Use of Gestures

Gestures help those around you more fully understand what you’re trying to convey.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably unaware of the gestures you use when speaking to others. Videotaping can again help you learn a great deal about how you come across to others. Some gestures help you make your point and win the attention and respect of others.

Other gestures, including those you probably impart unconsciously, can actually detract from your message and say, “I don’t really intend to follow up on this,” or “I don’t intend to hold you accountable.” Gestures in this category might include:

• Inattentive facial expressions
  
• Withdrawing from the other party, even moving away from them
  
• Putting up your arms or hands as if to shield oneself
  
• Physically stepping back
  
• Short, rapid hand or arm movements
  
• Craning of the neck

People most commonly gesture with their hands or arms. They use these body parts as tools to make a point. Generally, it pays to keep such movements restricted within the area of about two feet to your left or right.

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 Handle with Care
Excessive gestures can actually impart the notion to your listeners that you are not in control.

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Stuff that Just Ain’t So

A lot of misinformation about what some gestures mean has been handed down over the years. For example, dozens if not hundreds of books suggest that if someone’s arms are folded across his chest, he’s conveying defensiveness and appearing closed to the information being presented. This could be true on occasion, but it is largely hogwash. A person might fold his arms across his chest for a number of reasons, including the following:

• He might be cold, and crosses his arms and hands across his chest for warmth.
  
• He might be bored but still not defensive.
  
• He might simply feel comfortable with his hands in that position.

Certainly, any fidgeting, nervous tapping, or other involuntary gestures you display repeatedly may distract the other party and diminish the impact of your message. We’ve all been in conversation with someone who taps their foot, fidgets with a pen or pencil, or frequently scratches their ear. Most likely, these types of gestures do not add to that person’s interpersonal effectiveness, but detract from it.

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 Handle with Care
Moving in too close to someone can be as ineffective as pulling away from them. Many people don’t like to have someone, “in their face,” and may get defensive or feel threatened. This will detract from their ability to actually hear you, and they may capitulate in the short run, not adding to a climate of respect or trust.

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Here are some vocal detractors, the presence of which will diminish the impact of your message, followed by the antidotes:

• Stiff or formal speech
  

  Antidote: Spice up your language, use contractions, put down your notes.

  
  
• Gross mispronunciation of words, particularly common words
  

  Antidote: Use a dictionary to look up words and practice enunciating them before uttering them to others.

  
  
• Overuse of clichés, slang, and hackneyed expressions
  

  Antidote: Listen to yourself on tape and pick out overused expressions. Also ask others if you overuse some phrases.

  
  
• Use of non-sequiturs
  

  Antidote: Stick to the main point; don’t ramble.

  
  
• Overuse of filler language, such as “um,” “er,” “ah,” “you see,” and “you know”
  

  Antidote: Give yourself more time between sentences. Get comfortable with pausing in silence between phrases or thoughts instead of relying on “um,” “er,” “ah,” and “you know” types of unnecessary connectors.

  
  
• Lack of clarity
  

  Antidote: Think about the point of your message in advance. Lead to it all along.

  
  
• Failure to come to a coherent point
  

  Antidote: Have your strong point ready. Mentally rehearse it before speaking.

Physical and Vocal Assertiveness

We all know people who are vocally assertive but not physically assertive. These are people who, by virtue of their positions, demand you pay attention to them. One of these people may be your boss, or some bureaucrat who speaks with authority but never gets out of his chair.

It’s possible as well to have physical assertiveness without vocal assertiveness. Generally, however, the two go hand in hand. Someone who has good posture, stands tall, uses gestures appropriately, and has sufficient eye contact has the best chance of being heard, understood, and heeded.

When you can combine physical assertiveness with vocal assertiveness, also known as vocal authority, you’re cooking with gas heat! It helps if you have a rich, deep, bass voice, but if you don’t, take heart. Millions of people all over the planet with far less than rich, melodious voices still manage to have vocal authority. It’s all a matter of how you use your voice.

As you learned in Chapter 6, you want to employ vocal variety and engage your listeners—let them know that you’re speaking to them, not to your notes, the back of the room, the microphone, or the ceiling.

Talking Your Walk!

Over the years, much has been written about walking your talk. I’d like to introduce, for the first time in this universe, the importance of talking your walk—using your voice in a manner that connotes vocal assertiveness and is consistent with the physical assertiveness you may also display.

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 Word Power
Walking your talk is a worn-out cliché that essentially means you personally live up to what you talk about; that is, you practice what you preach.

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If you are able to talk your walk, you have the best of both worlds. Everything about you says, “When I speak, there’s a good chance it’s worth listening to.”