3 How to Reinvent Your Masculinity: The Five Cs

How do you move toward a liberating masculinity? How does a man reinvent his own masculinity so he can experience and benefit from the liberating power of compassion and connection?

Books and other teachings can help. These can range from religious texts to self-help guides to inspiring memoirs, novels, and movies.

You also can think of men in your life whom you admire. What qualities make them good friends, good spouses, good fathers, good colleagues, good citizens? How do they show up, especially in difficult circumstances?

Or, think about legendary good men and the traits that make them iconic role models. These could be men like Jesus, Muhammad, Moses, and the Buddha, who inspired entire religious traditions. Or more recent virtuous men, such as Mohandas Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Nelson Mandela. Why are we drawn to their examples?

None of these “model men” lived perfect lives. Still, they all shared a commitment to kindness, benevolence, and a view of humanity as one interconnected family. They helped pave a path toward the liberating masculinity that is emerging and imperative in our times.

How do you walk that path today?

The path to liberating masculinity involves five key practices, which we call the “Five Cs.” They are Curiosity, Courage, Compassion, Connection, and Commitment.

We believe all men can practice the Five Cs in order to move toward a liberating masculinity. And yet it’s a lifelong quest, a process that never ends. There is always room to grow deeper, go further, learn more, and love more.

When men integrate each of these Five Cs into their lives, when they make a habit of these practices, the constraints of confined masculinity melt away. These men open up the cage of outdated man-rules and begin to live fuller, more effective, more satisfying lives.

In this chapter, we will discuss each of the Five Cs and offer concrete exercises that support each practice.

Curiosity

Men often provide answers but neglect to ask key questions.

Curiosity is the first C. It’s about being in wonder and asking important, challenging, and probing questions, including ones that may make us uncomfortable. Here are some examples:

What kind of man do I want to be?

What responsibilities do I have to other people? To life itself?

How have the man-rules I grew up with shaped and possibly limited my life?

Another example: can I ask for directions while driving?

You might be saying to yourself, even playfully: “Real men don’t ask for directions!” The stereotype of the stubbornly lost man gets at why genuine curiosity is tough for men who live within confined masculinity. That version of manhood warns us not to seek help or reveal that we don’t have all the answers in order to avoid feeling shame or inadequacy. We’re taught to try to be “the smartest guy in the room” and to be self-sufficient.

To move past the constraints of confined masculinity, we need to honor and practice curiosity. Men need to ask existential as well as practical questions, looking in places they don’t normally explore. We need to challenge stereotypes and not accept traditional male roles as “the way it is.” By doing so we can learn, and we can develop a deeper awareness of ourselves and of others, as well as how we affect them.

Take this example from another patient of Ed Adams. We’ll call him Michael. He came to see Ed when his marriage was in crisis: his wife had begun an affair. The infidelity was particularly painful to Michael because this was the second time he’d experienced such a violation. An earlier long-term partner had also cheated on him.

It would have been easy for Michael to blame both women for his troubles. After all, our culture of confined masculinity can frame women as untrustworthy, even emotionally dangerous. The confined framework also defines men whose wives have betrayed them as cuckolds—as lacking in manliness, as laughingstocks. But Michael didn’t take the easy route of playing the victim, nor did he resort to self-lacerating shame. Instead, he got curious about his role in this pattern. “What’s going on with me, that women are willing to cheat on me?” he asked Ed. “What am I doing or not doing that made my wife interested in straying outside the marriage?”

These are the kinds of difficult questions that allow for true growth at the individual, personal level. But such growth can happen in the work arena as well. A good example of curiosity in the organizational setting involves Jim Weddle, the former top executive of financial services firm Edward Jones.

When he was managing partner of Edward Jones some years ago, Weddle visited a group of branch office administrators. These are the folks who coordinate the operations of the firm’s neighborhood offices and provide front-line service to customers.

One of these employees told Weddle that the financial advisor in her office often traveled to regional training events and returned with new ideas the administrator was supposed to adopt.

The administrator paused. Then she told Weddle, “If it’s not something I want to do, and it’s not my idea, it’s not going to work.”

Many CEOs would have treated her comment as insubordination. They might even have fired her. Not Weddle. Instead, he and his team used this as an opportunity to get curious about their training philosophy. And they decided to expand the offsite events to include branch office administrators like the woman who had spoken out.¹

In one sense, this was a small shift. But it represented a big change from the confined masculinity mindset. That version of manhood tends to treat critical feedback as something to be deflected or parried—because admitting flaws or a lack of knowledge conveys weakness. Weddle effectively made himself vulnerable by acknowledging that the training system could be improved and considering how to make it better.

Curiosity is something that all men have access to as part of our common humanity. We are naturally inquisitive creatures. As children, as boys, we wonder why the sky is blue. What makes trees grow? How do airplanes fly? Why do our fathers act the way they do?

Unfortunately, by the time we are young adults much of this marveling has been shamed out of our system. We become afraid of asking a “stupid question.” Confined masculinity makes matters worse by emphasizing knowing over learning, answers over questions, and authority over investigation.

Ed Adams’s wife, Marilee Adams, has important insights here. She is the author of the book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. Marilee notes that at every moment people have a fundamental choice: to adopt a “Judger” mindset or a “Learner” mindset. When we operate from the “Judger” perspective, we ask questions like: “Who’s fault is it?” “What’s wrong with me?” “What’s wrong with them?” This reactive, blaming, win-lose approach comes straight out of the confined masculinity handbook, and it leads to apathy, self-loathing, and negativity toward others.

But if we choose to be “Learners,” our questions include: “What are the facts?”"’What assumptions am I making?”“ What do others think, feel, and want?” “What’s possible?” “What’s best to do now?” This more thoughtful approach envisions solutions where everyone can discover, grow, and succeed. It’s the route Michael took to try to repair his marriage. And it’s the path Jim Weddle took when faced with the challenge from his employee. Weddle listened, expanded his viewpoint, and eventually made his organization better for everyone.²

Courage

As the section above suggests, courage plays a critical role in curiosity. But it’s not your traditional manly courage.

Men grow up knowing we should be daring. Ready to run into the burning building. Willing to bet big on a business venture that could bring us riches or leave us bankrupt. Prepared to give up our life for our country. Related to such sacrifices is a tradition of men taking a stance that demonstrates moral courage—such as protesting for civil rights or speaking up on behalf of a colleague who’s been mistreated at work. While these kinds of courage are honorable and may at times be necessary, they’re also limited in scope, and they’re not your everyday experience.

This second C concerns a much wider application and expression of courage. This bravery extends beyond physical, financial, and ethical matters. It includes the courage to confront suffering in ourselves and others, to change our beliefs, and to experience strong emotion. This courage is the fortitude to enter the uncharted territory of deep self-reflection and the landscape of feelings—including empathy and compassion for others. It also includes curiosity and being willing to give up the need for complete control—and instead to trust in the possibilities of collaborating and creating with others.

These additional kinds of valor, this personal courage, means standing up from the fearful crouch that so many confined men are stuck in. It’s a man having the audacity to open his arms wide, to embrace others, and to open his heart to the joys, yearnings, and sorrows he and those around him feel. After all, the root of “courage” is “cor”—Latin for “heart.” Why is this bigger definition of courage, including emotional courage, important for moving toward liberating masculinity? Because men have to uncover and confront deep-seated, reactive fears if they are to break free of confined masculinity. Fears about being inadequate and unmanly in our own eyes, as well as in the eyes of others. Fears about losing status. Fears about trusting others, since confined men tend to view people with suspicion. Facing these fears is crucial to cultivating greater honesty with ourselves and stronger connections to others. In turn, the resulting authenticity, greater self-awareness, and robust bonds give life more meaning. They’re also increasingly vital to success in our personal relationships and in our work lives—and to the well-being of our shrinking planet.

What does this broader courage look like in action? Think back to John, whose story we shared in the introduction. John felt deeply unhappy and lonely: his marriage was stale, his work was stressful—and alcohol and sex were proving to be empty fixes. But rather than remain in his misery, John chose to take the plunge into his own psyche in therapy with Ed Adams. It was scary. But he let his guard down in order to “let my truth out.”

As John opened up, he learned to trust Ed. And as he allowed himself to be vulnerable, he was able to build relationships with other men. John realized he wasn’t alone. His resilience improved—to the point where he could weather a divorce— and his life expanded, thanks to the personal, emotional courage he dared to demonstrate.

Stirring examples of emotional courage can be found among famous men as well. Consider the actor Brad Pitt. Pitt portrayed hyper-masculine male characters in a number of films, including the alpha-male alter ego to Edward Norton’s mild-mannered man in the 1999 film Fight Club.

Pitt’s own conception of manhood had much in common with those portrayals of confined masculinity. “I grew up with that be-capable, be-strong, don’t-show-weakness thing,” Pitt told the New York Times.

And yet that version of masculinity did not seem to serve Pitt in real life. His marriage to actress Angelina Jolie collapsed, reportedly related to his drinking problem. Pitt then spent a year and a half in Alcoholics Anonymous with a recovery group composed entirely of men. And just as John found comfort and camaraderie in an M3 group, Pitt gained a great deal in his de facto men’s group.

Pitt shared much of himself with the other men, and they honored his trust. No one from the group told Pitt’s stories to tabloid publications—which would have paid plenty for them.

“You had all these men sitting around being open and honest in a way I have never heard,” Pitt told the New York Times. “It was actually really freeing just to expose the ugly sides of yourself.”

In the New York Times profile, Pitt took the measure of a traditional, constrained masculinity. Though he appreciated its attention to competency and self-sufficiency, he also pointed to its significant limitations.

“I’m grateful that there was such an emphasis on being capable and doing things on your own with humility, but what’s lacking about that is taking inventory of yourself,” he said. “It’s almost a denial of this other part of you that is weak and goes through self-doubts, even though those are human things we all experience. Certainly, it’s my belief that you can’t really know yourself until you identify and accept those things.”³

Pitt’s vulnerability with his AA group and his introspection took guts. The courage needed to move toward liberating masculinity involves a willingness to look hard in the mirror and see all of ourselves—warts, weaknesses, everything.

There’s a paradoxical power in this kind of courage. According to the rules of confined masculinity, trusting others and admitting one’s flaws are sucker moves. But openness and authenticity are actually sources of profound strength. In one of the most-viewed TEDx talks, scholar Brené Brown upended conventional wisdom about vulnerability. “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage,” Brown says. “Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”⁴

To practice this kind of courage—to face fundamental fears and truly open our hearts—men can draw from a well-spring of mettle. We can build on the bravery we’ve been taught to embody from an early age. We can take a deep breath and let our truth out, as John did. We can take a leap of faith in others, as both John and Brad Pitt did. And like Pitt, we can face our full selves and accept our human weaknesses.

Odds are, we’ll grow stronger, and our hearts will swell.

Compassion

The third C—compassion—is about opening the hearts of men. Compassion is about men letting their hearts be touched—and even broken—by suffering, and then working to relieve that suffering or prevent it in the first place. The anguish can range from physical pain to emotional grief to spiritual sorrow. Compassion applied to self and others requires empathy, but it doesn’t stop there. It includes taking action.

We’re talking about being compassionate with ourselves when we fail to reach a goal, or experience the death of a loved one. We’re talking about extending care to a friend battling cancer, to a teenage child experiencing their first heartbreak, to a stranger struggling to make ends meet.

There is a courage piece to this too. It is painful to truly witness the pain of others. Confined masculinity trains us to steer clear of emotions, to remain stoic. So we often react to suffering with caution, indifference, avoidance, or even anger. Anger in many cases is a mask for fear and sadness. It takes courage to take that mask off, to confront fear and experience difficult emotions.

Jerry, mentioned earlier in the book, wrestled with expressing true compassion. Jerry gained a fuller life through self-reflection, which encouraged him to leave a toxic workplace and become a leader in M3. But long before that, when he first started attending M3 meetings, Jerry had reacted to men’s tales of trouble and distress by saying things like, “Don’t worry, it’ll be okay,” and “You’re going to turn out fine.”

Though these hopeful proclamations were well intentioned, they prevented Jerry from going to the dark place that his fellow M3 members were describing. Jerry’s platitudes got in the way of other men being fully heard. They cut off genuine compassion.

Jerry’s experience isn’t unique. Confronting suffering evokes anxiety, and anxiety will almost always tell you to avoid the thing you fear. In their therapy sessions, Ed began calling Jerry’s attention to this habit. And in time Jerry changed. In his role as M3 group leader, he now shows the emotional courage to deeply listen to and be with any man’s difficulties. Jerry’s leadership has become an act of deep compassion—for him, compassion and leadership are inseparable.

Why is compassion vital to a reinvented masculinity? Because it expands our life in multiple, positive ways. It enables us to “grow down”—that is, by being kind to ourselves we can develop a richer interior life of self-awareness and selfacceptance. Compassion also allows us to be better men to the people and other living creatures surrounding us. We become more empathetic spouses, fathers, and friends. And compassion is more and more critical to effectiveness at work, as well as to our survival as a human race.

How do you practice compassion? The short answer: with your head, heart, and hands. Start by believing compassion is central to masculinity. Identify and be willing to witness your own suffering as well as that of others. Then take action to ease the suffering. Or, if that is a struggle for you, you can also go the opposite route. Prod yourself to act with self-compassion and compassion toward others who suffer. Your behaviors can trigger new emotions, beliefs, and outcomes.

Take the case of Nathan, described in the liberating masculinity chapter. The experience of giving roses to hospital patients opened his eyes to the trials of others. It also widened his emotional landscape, and lifted his own spirits in the bargain. In effect, the work of his hands expanded his mind and opened his heart.

For another example of a compassionate man, consider coauthor Ed Frauenheim’s teenage son Julius. Not long ago, Ed was driving his family home to San Francisco from Arizona and took a wrong turn at the famous “Grapevine” just north of Los Angeles. Ed yelled in frustration. His fury was partly about the time that would be lost, and partly about the shame of making a “stupid” mistake. This was a prime example of how men can cover up embarrassment and disappointment with anger.

Julius saw right through the explosive outburst.

“Dad, everything you are is already enough,” he said calmly from the back seat.

Julius’s words immediately eased Ed’s mind. They got to the heart of the matter—and they healed Ed’s momentary heartache.

Julius’s simple act of compassion was in keeping with the way he and many young men are learning to incorporate kindness and empathy into their masculine ethos.⁵ Julius was fortunate enough to learn conflict-resolution skills in elementary school, which is part of a wider trend where children are being taught “social-emotional learning” capabilities such as self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making.⁶ It’s a hopeful trend.

Confined masculinity tends to view compassion as unmanly, as “touchy-feely,” as “soft.” But this view of compassion has it backward. The “soft” stuff leads to strong business results, men in touch with their feelings are happier, and compassion is the birthright of every man.

Ed Adams has a bumper sticker on his car that reads, COMPASSIONATE MEN ARE HAPPIER. Drivers behind him often beep their horn with a “thumbs-up” to that message.

We can and must reinstate compassion as a masculine trait—for our own benefit and for the good of everyone around us.

Connection

“The good of everyone around us.”

This phrase speaks to the fourth C: connection. Connection means men building stronger bonds with others and putting themselves more fully in service of people and planet. These deeper relationships involve recognizing our interdependence as a species and the fact that we are hardwired to connect with others.

Connection means fathers developing close, emotionally honest bonds with sons and daughters. This is about men seeing themselves as brothers to men and women of all backgrounds, races, and nationalities. We’re calling for men to widen their circle of care and to behave as stewards of life on earth.

Why is connection important? Simply put, it is liberating and powerful. How can bonds with others be freeing? This is a freedom that comes with others. This liberty stems from our fundamentally social nature as primates and human beings. It includes liberation from loneliness as well as the way others can unlock the best in us.

Another advantage of connection is power. The power to do with others what we can’t do alone. The ability to create with others what we can’t generate on our own. The excitement and impact of being part of something that is bigger than ourselves.

What’s more, the liberation and power of connection are only growing more important. Strong bonds and a sense of our profound mutuality are proving to be increasingly vital in all aspects of our lives.

What does connection look like in practice? Similar to compassion, connection involves cultivating the right mindset, the right “heartset,” and the right set of hands. That is, it calls for building certain beliefs such as trust, opening your heart to yourself and others, and developing habits that increase our connection with others.

For a good example, consider the way Raúl Ramos fathers his two teenage sons. Raúl, one of Ed Frauenheim’s best friends, is a history professor at the University of Houston. He’s active in the life of the university, and recently served as president of the faculty senate. But Raúl has never let his professional life overshadow his connection with his sons Joaquin and Noe. He has demonstrated his devotion to the boys by sharing childcare and household chore duties with his wife, Liz. He has served as a PTA board member of the boys’ elementary school. He has also supported his kids as athletes, spending many hours practicing sports with Noe and Joaquin, finding the right baseball and lacrosse teams for his sons, and cheering them on.

This isn’t to say he’s a saint of a father. He yells at his boys occasionally. And he’s not a perfect role model when it comes to his own fitness—he misses his monthly running goal more often than he hits it. In these ways, he’s like a lot of dads. But Raúl stands out for being emotionally attuned to his kids.

Not long ago, Ed and Raúl were at a skate park in San Francisco while Julius, Joaquin, and Noe skateboarded. Raúl surprised Ed by correctly predicting that Joaquin would try to skate up a particular ramp, using a particular trick, even though Joaquin was halfway across the park at the time. Raúl also correctly predicted that Joaquin wouldn’t quite pull off the trick—of reaching the top of the ramp on his board—and would instead grab onto a fence and let his skateboard slide back down. The board then posed a risk to other skaters.

“Hey, Joaquin, don’t let your board loose like that,” Raúl called out.

He reprimanded Joaquin, but not harshly. Through his habit of watching Joaquin closely, Raúl understood how much his son wanted to master the trick. Partly as a result of this kind of attentive, caring parenting, Joaquin is growing up as a kid who pours himself into his passions. He is a skilled catcher in baseball, a talented pianist, and fluent in both English and Spanish—with a bit of Chinese thrown in. Not bad for a ninth grader.

There’s another facet of Raúl’s father-son bonds. Joaquin and Noe are multiracial kids growing up in an evermore-complex racial, socio-economic milieu. Raúl is a second-generation Latino and Liz is Chinese American. They live in Houston, which is both an inclusive, cosmopolitan community and a city with persistent racial divides. One incident highlights this complicated landscape of identity. A Latino player on the Houston Astros professional baseball team demeaned an Asian player on a rival team with a racist gesture—making “slant eyes.” It was a confusing moment for Raúl’s sons—being both Latino and Asian. But Raúl was there to speak with them about it.

Some may say Raúl’s parenting has come at a cost. It’s true he has delayed scholarly articles and books he is interested in developing. And he might have advanced further in his profession by now if he’d been a less-devoted dad. But Raúl does not regret the connections he’s built with his kids. In other words, he doesn’t wish he’d loved them less.

“I don’t feel I’m paying a price, because I’m gaining so much,” he says. “This is so much more important.”

Unlike Raúl, generations of confined men have withheld affection from their children. Many of Ed Adams’s patients are men who are sad that they are strangers to their own sons and daughters. But men can rebel against the misguided man-rules of stoicism and detachment. They can express love to their family members more fully—and they can extend positive connections to friends, colleagues, and the whole human family.

Commitment

Confined masculinity, despite being dangerously outdated, has significant cultural clout that’s hard to escape. And so the fifth C, commitment, is a bit different than the first four. It acknowledges the fact that men can slip back to a confined masculinity—and resolves to prevent that from happening. It’s about persevering in building habits of curiosity, courage, compassion, and connection. It’s about determination to keep moving in the direction of liberating masculinity.

When men are committed to reinventing their masculinity, they enjoy remarkable rewards. They experience the liberation and power we’ve explored throughout the book. They enjoy greater happiness and a deeper involvement with life. So, how do you make a commitment to liberating masculinity?

As with the other Cs, commitment involves head, heart, and hands. It requires belief, passion, and behavior change, all in the service of a better, more fulfilling way to be a man.

Commitment begins with understanding that you are making a commitment to move away from a style of masculinity that often diminishes experiences in life rather than enhancing them. So committing to travel the liberating masculinity path makes rational sense.

One vehicle that many liberating men use to go down that path is meditation, sometimes combined with yoga. Meditation, also known as mindfulness, is directly aligned with the goals of increasing compassion and connection. Coauthor Ed Frauenheim credits a regular yoga practice over two decades with helping him stay devoted to becoming a stronger, kinder, calmer man.

What’s more, there is a science to self-improvement. Men can benefit from the insights of behavioral economics, which suggests nudges and small changes to routines in order to build up positive habits. Men also can take advantage of digital tools to keep them on track. They can use mindfulness and happiness apps to prompt them to demonstrate kindness. They can set up calendar items to remind them to ask more questions. They can arrange to expand their information sources to get news about different cultures and points of view to foster more compassion and greater connection.

Men today are gravitating to personal data analytics to improve their athletic performance or overall health. They can harness some of the same principles and technologies to update and enhance their masculinity.

Even with the right tips and tools, though, inspiration helps. Along these lines, consider this story about a man who persisted in practicing a compassionate and connected kind of masculinity.

Tony Bond is chief diversity and innovation officer at Great Place to Work, the research and consulting firm where coauthor Ed Frauenheim also works.

Tony’s father was a construction worker who became disabled with silicosis, a work-related lung disease, when Tony was just one year old. Despite the ailment and physical weakness, Tony remembers his dad as a gentle, generous spirit. “He instilled in me the need to listen more than you talk,” Tony recalls. “To be present for people.”

Tony’s father and mother also taught him important lessons about character and quiet strength by how they reacted to racial slurs and insensitivity. His dad was mixed-race, with some African American ancestry. His mother was part African American, part Native American. Growing up, Tony witnessed the two rise above racist remarks and rude stares.

Tony carried values of humility and dignity to college, and eventually to the work world. During his early years in corporate finance and sales, though, Tony’s way of being a man wasn’t always appreciated. He recalls how competing for attention and seeking to dominate conversations were common among his peers. “The louder you can be, the more you can say, the more aggressive you can show up, the more you’re valued, and the more you’re recognized,” Tony says. “I found this tension between who I am and what I was expected to be.”

Things came to a head at a sales strategy meeting. Tony had his own ideas on how to proceed and mostly listened, trying to learn from the usual combative conversation. In the wake of the meeting, he was criticized for being passive and “quiet.” So he spoke to a vice president he respected. “I remember him saying, ‘You’re in this for the long run. Results speak for themselves. And don’t feel like you have to change,’ ” Tony says. “That’s when I dug my heels in and said, ‘I don’t really care what the expectation is. I’m just going to be who I am.’ ”

Tony also sought out others who shared his view that better treatment of people mattered. Eventually he discovered Great Place to Work, which studies and celebrates organizations where leaders emphasize respect, credibility, and fairness.

Ironically, Tony’s hunt for an organization that values listening has given him a loud voice. At Great Place to Work, he criss-crosses the globe speaking with business executives and giving talks about innovation, diversity, and the future of work.⁷ One key to this happy ending was Tony’s ability to persist in being someone with a “me and we” orientation. Another was finding an organization that made room for a man determined to remain curious and focused on connecting with others.

About Great Place to Work, he says, “I never really felt like I had to show up with that macho bravado. You could take the uniform and the mask off, and be who you are.”

He adds: “I found it liberating.”

The Combination of the Five Cs

The Five Cs are a set of ingredients to mix together to reinvent a man’s masculine identity. Or, think of them as destinations that are part of a larger quest. They all are vital, like challenges in a video game that result in items needed for the larger, final test. But the Five Cs do not have to be worked in a particular order. Any of them can serve as the entry point for beginning the transformation to liberating masculinity.

The Five Cs overlap and interrelate with each other. Curiosity is inherently courageous. Courage touches on compassion, and vice versa. Connection relies heavily on the first three Cs. Curiosity invites us to ask about ways we are interconnected. Courage is required to push back against the confined masculinity mandate to be an isolated, self-sufficient island. Compassion can fuel connection, as a man’s heart is stirred into action by a living creature in need.

The Five Cs are also recurring. They are cyclical. Men on the path to liberating masculinity will keep working on these five practices, moving through them again and again. Eventually, they will sink deeply into his bones. But there is never a precise finish line. A man can always keep expanding his awareness and his heart.

While all the Five Cs are essential, two are central to the freedom and power that comes from reinventing your masculinity: compassion and connection. We explore each of these in greater detail in the chapters ahead.

THINGS TO PONDER AND DO

CURIOSITY: Let your imagination run wild. Start a journal in which you ask a new question every day. Include open-ended questions, especially ones that challenge your assumptions about manhood. Don’t judge or censor your thoughts.

Over time, do you notice how traditional, confined views of masculinity have shaped your life?

Also, write about the man you want to be.

COURAGE: Share with someone what makes you most afraid and what brings you the deepest joy.

Can you step up and demonstrate courage by taking a stand against injustice? You can write a letter to the editor or refuse to participate in conversations that denigrate others.

Recognize that you’re being courageous when you break free of the harmful and limiting rules of confined masculinity. Challenge yourself by taking emotional risks with a friend or colleague. And if there is someone you’ve mistreated by following the rules of confined masculinity, find the courage to apologize.

COMPASSION: Start with self-compassion. Think of a hurt you experienced in the past, or perhaps still feel. Can you move more deeply into that pain? Then, reassure yourself of your resilience and ability to learn from that hurt. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

Think of someone you know who is suffering. Tell them that you are sincerely concerned about them, and listen to their story. Then do something tangible to help relieve their discomfort.

Follow Nathan’s compassionate footsteps: bring a dozen roses to a hospital and give one to each patient who seems to be all alone.

CONNECTION: Consider which ofyour personal relationships you most want to deepen. How can you begin to build a more heart-centered bond with that person?

Join a men’s support group, or attend a workshop intended to encourage men to confront and share life experiences.

Ask yourself: how can you live in a way that is more connected to the earth? What small steps can you take that will make you a better steward of the planet?

COMMITMENT: Get a base-level measurement of where you fall on the continuum from confined masculinity to liberating masculinity. Take the Reinventing Masculinity Self-Assessment (found at ReinventingMasculinity.com and at the end of the book). Track your progress by retaking the assessment every six months.

Create a challenging self-query like, “What kind of man do I want to be in this moment?” and remind yourself: “I am unique but not the most important person in this room.” Come back to your question and to this statement throughout the day.

Gift of Compassion