Hiking into “Two Men's” Land: Carolyn's Introduction

“Hi,” I (Carolyn) say to Cindy, as she gets out of the small rental car. It is 8:30 A.M., and we are committed to getting on the trail by nine. Cindy returns the greeting and then gets down to the work of adjusting her walking poles and backpack. Her friend Susan is performing the same task. Tony, a friend and former student, my partner, Art, and I lace up our shoes and help each other with our backpacks. I notice ours are considerably lighter than those of Cindy and Susan. Though I wonder what we forgot, I am glad not to have to carry such a heavy load.

Anxious to get on the trail, I take the lead. After an hour or so, I drop back behind Tony and between Susan and Cindy, who has been an acquaintance for many years.

“Hey, Cindy, we could introduce Tony to Judy. Wouldn't that be good?” Susan says. I cringe as I realize that Cindy and Susan do not know that Tony is gay. I feel anxious and wonder how to handle this. I have spent a lot of time with Tony, but it has always been around people who know he is gay. I'm used to Tony's being out, even flamboyant at times, celebrating his gayness. That's the Tony I know. I realize I don't know how to handle this situation. How would Tony want me to handle it? I don't want to out him if that isn't what he wants. Yet I don't want to hide that he is gay, which makes it seem I am in some way less than okay with that. I'm sorry Tony and I didn't talk about how to handle this situation before the trip. Now there is no opportunity to do so. I am surprised that Susan assumes Tony is straight. And then I am not. Why shouldn't she? Tony could pass for straight. I also am concerned for Susan. I don't know her well enough to know her politics, though I believe I have heard that she is a voting Republican. I feel nervous that she may say something untoward and embarrass herself and us. So what do I do? Her remark was not directed at me or at Tony. I am not sure Tony even heard her. I decide not to say anything and to wait until the time seems appropriate.

“Tony isn't married, is he?” Susan asks me quietly, a while later, perhaps noticing my silence in response to her earlier remark. Apparently she is still thinking about matchmaking.

“No, he isn't,” I say hesitantly, “but …”

“I should've brought my sister on the hike,” she interrupts. “The two of them would …”

“But he just moved in with someone in Chicago,” I continue.

“Oh,” she says, seeming disappointed though happy for Tony. Okay, I think, at least I've made the first step. I told the truth, but I didn't tell her Tony was gay. I could have said “with a man,” but I didn't. Though he is partnered with a man, he is not literally married: being married is not an option for him where he lives. However, Susan didn't ask if he was gay or straight, rather if he was married. Did she notice I didn't say “with a woman?” I continue hoping to get some private time with Tony to talk about this. It feels strange not to be open about Tony's being gay. Certainly this lack of openness has little to do with me, but I worry that later others might assume that I felt Tony's gayness should be hidden. Or they might be upset that I didn't inform them earlier. I'm starting to feel viscerally some of the dilemmas that Tony has talked about in terms of revealing his gay identity.

Susan asks Tony what he teaches, and I notice that Tony gives a general answer. “I teach college.” I feel he is underplaying himself. He does a whole lot more than that, but Tony doesn't elaborate, and I realize that he doesn't want to say what he teaches. I take this as a cue that he is not ready to come out or to talk about sexuality.

“What do you do?” Tony asks her back. This seems a safe question. I listen as Susan describes her work as an assistant to an oral surgeon. When she talks about people under anesthesia, I ask for stories. “Well, there was this one man …” she begins. Quickly I realize she is telling a story about a man who was attracted to men. Where will this go? Oh, please don't say anything that you'll later regret, I think, or that will hurt Tony. Besides, I like her, and I don't want her to have negative feelings about the man's attraction to men, which I fear would interfere with the way I see her. I am relieved when Tony changes the direction of the story, and I follow along.

But I keep thinking about Tony's identity. What will happen next? Outing him may not be the thing to do, but my silence feels wrong too. I want Susan and the others to know Tony is gay because they can't really get to know him as long as they assume he is straight. Perhaps his sexuality should make no difference, but it does. I realize that being gay permeates a lot of one's identity. The silence surrounding Tony's sexuality means that Tony has to go along with the pretense that he is something other than what he is. I think about how comfortable Tony is with being gay most of the time. I contemplate what I can do to make people on the trail aware of Tony's being gay without making too much of an issue out of it or making anyone uncomfortable.

“Would Jerry like this hike?” I ask Tony, in a strategic yet innocent voice loud enough for others to hear. I think that the meaning of this statement is obvious for those who are open to gay sexuality, yet can be avoided by anyone who doesn't want to know. It is also a statement that throws an opening to Tony to indicate how he wants to play the scene.

“I don't think so,” Tony says, seemingly comfortable with my question. “He wouldn't have Internet access in many places, and the lack of access would be difficult given that he teaches an online class.” Tony could have just said no and let it go at that.

“Who's Jerry?” Susan asks, taking the bait.

I hesitate a moment and then say, “Tony's partner.”

“Oh,” Susan says and nods thoughtfully.

“Well, I guess that takes care of partnering him with Judy then,” Cindy says and chuckles. I felt sure that Cindy, who is open-minded and liberal, would have no trouble with Tony's being gay. But now it's Susan whose reaction I try to gauge. Her body language remains open, and I am hopeful that though this information has surprised her, it has not distressed her, except in terms of her matchmaking. We walk silently for a while.

Later, I get a chance to talk privately to Susan when she and I stop to urinate in the woods. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier that Tony is gay,” I say, and then feel almost disloyal to Tony. Why should this even demand a conversation? Why should I want to make sure Susan feels okay about this when it's really Tony's feelings that concern me more? Yet I don't want Susan to feel I intentionally deceived her by waiting too long to tell her.

“I am fine with his being gay,” she says. “I know lots of gay people. That doesn't bother me at all.” I listen and watch her closely. She speaks rapidly and is a little nervous, but I believe her. And if she's just saying that for me, then so be it; maybe if she says it enough it will be true.