7 Coaching, mapping motivation, and changing values

Everything in life depends upon our beliefs, and the primary reason for this is that they become self-fulfilling prophecies. What we believe – the mental and emotional constructs that the mind forms – becomes either the cage in which we imprison ourselves with our own limitations, real or imagined, or it becomes the clear blue sky in which we can soar, be free – or freer – and realise our full potential. Essentially, beliefs lie at the heart of exceptional performance, but they have to be positive beliefs, aligned with how reality works. Research in Positive Psychology over the last three decades has conclusively shown that the belief, for example, if you work hard then you will be successful, and therefore happy, is entirely erroneous; instead, we learn that if we are happy, then happiness leads to enhanced performance in all fields of our life, including achieving success.¹ Considering how many people operate under the specious ‘work hard’ belief gives rise to the highly likely suspicion that it is commonplace to operate under false or limiting beliefs.²

Before we introduce values, which are an accentuated form of belief, we might like briefly to look at the consequences and sequencing of beliefs themselves, which will help illustrate further why they are so important. Beliefs are the starting point in the chain that leads to our choices; and this chain runs something like this (see Figure 7.1).

We begin with a belief, positive or negative, and this ultimately produces the choices we make in life; these choices develop our character and prove finally to become our destiny (positively) or fate (negatively).³ To give examples would be the clearest thing here (see Figure 7.2).

With this sequence in mind we can see clearly why beliefs are so important. But notice, too, in Figure 7.1 that choices also feedback into beliefs. This leads onto two observations. First, that if we change our beliefs it will ultimately lead us to make different choices; but equally, if we consistently make certain choices – in other words, form certain habits (which are what consistent choices lead to) – then these will affect our beliefs in a feedback loop. Second, as with memory,⁴ the first and last items in a sequence tend to be more important than the items in the middle. So if we want to make the most impact as coaches we are well advised to focus on beliefs, or choices, or both as a matter of priority. Indeed, if we were to be Pareto-about-it, then beliefs and choices are the 30+ per cent that probably lead to the 70 per cent of outcomes, which is why this coaching book has had such a strong focus on beliefs and making the action choices that must follow from them.

But now we come to three special sets of belief. First, what we believe about ourselves; and these beliefs affect our self-concept.⁵ This is an overarching term that encompasses our self-esteem, our self-image, and also our ideal self. It’s very far reaching in its ramification; we cannot perform beyond how we define our own self-concept. Second, another set of beliefs we call our expectations: these are our beliefs (which may include beliefs about our future self too) that refer to our perspective on how things work and will turn out in the real world. The self-concept and our expectations form the core of what motivates us,⁶ and so that is why we place motivation so centrally in personal development work; and it is why low expectations invariably create self-limitations and self-fulfilling prophecies. But, finally, we also have, as a special set of beliefs, those we call our values, and these are critical too.

Our values are beliefs to which we have attached especial importance and significance; and the attachment of this importance and significance to them means that they affect us emotionally. We find it very difficult to be unmoved when one of our core values is challenged or threatened; equally, we rejoice when our values are realised in some way in the real world. Another way of expressing this is to say “a value is a belief in action”⁷; in other words, because the belief is so important to us, it is one we tend to act on or actively seek out. And because there is an especially strong emotional component to values, it should be obvious too that there is a clear link with Motivational Maps. The Maps are not intellectual constructs, but are based on measuring what we want; and in essence are like values, when we realise or fulfil our motivators we become happy and satisfied, and gain even more energy thereby. Indeed, that is what emotion does: e-motion, it moves us, and to be moved and moving requires energy. Values therefore motivate us and you can see this as a coach when you ask someone what is important to them about security, belonging, recognition, control or influence, money, learning and expertise, innovation, autonomy, meaning. You in essence find out the further subconscious values that underpin that motivator for that individual and also the beliefs that cluster around the value. So values and motivators have a synergistic relationship. And these values can be a positive or negative influence in the client’s life and they can be creating momentum towards something that they want or away from something which they do not want.

One of the problems with values is that, as with our motivators, we are not always aware of what our values are consciously, and how they can drive our behaviours in ways that are counterproductive to our well-being. Before we go any further, though, it would be good to examine how our motivators may themselves be the foundation stones of some of our values or put another way the values that are underpinning our motivational preferences and how our beliefs underpin our values. In the first instance, let’s consider how values and motivators might be aligned (see Figure 7.3).

As we see from Figure 7.2 beliefs can lead to positive or negative ‘choices’ for us, so it should come as no surprise that our motivators also have a similar potential; context, as we say, is everything. Here are some possible ways in which a given motivator might represent a strong value for an individual, but as a belief could be either positive or negative (see Figure 7.4).

Of course, so far we have kept the belief/values that derive from the motivators closely aligned with the motivators’ central definitions. But we can go beyond these to look at a much wider picture of possible values that we or the client might hold.

No list of values is likely to be complete, but those in Figure 7.6 augment the picture we have drawn of possible motivator values in Figure 7.3. We can say just as we did in Figure 7.5 that there will be relevant coaching questions, as likely values can be probed by the coach: what standards do you apply? How do you manifest consistency? Why is clarity so important to you? And so on.

To elicit your clients’ values around their Motivational Preferences we use one question initially and that question is: What is important to you about … see selected word(s) in Figure 7.7 for each motivator.

Now that you are aware of your client’s values around each motivational preference, you may also begin to be aware of which potential values are more likely to cause the client an issue. For example, ‘Not Being Slowed Down’ or ‘Not Being Formal’ are what we call away from values⁸ where the client subconsciously is focusing on what they do not want, and so are moving away from something. This may be a problem, as they may avoid situations where they might otherwise learn something important – but don’t learn, for fear of making mistakes. Let’s look, then, at the nine motivators and contrast typical Away from values with the Towards (see Figure 7.8).

So we need to look now at how much the client’s motivators involve away from values (which, when we do the value analysis, come out as likely to start with a ‘Not …’). We want to know, approximately, and overall, what percentage they are moving towards what they want, and what percentage they are moving away from what they don’t want.

If we take the Expert motivator as an example and ask the question, ‘What is important to you about Expertise?’, then if they reply ‘Learning’, the coach will follow on with, ‘What is important to you about Learning?’ The client may say, ‘Self-improvement’ (which is a towards value), then the coach asks, ‘What is important to you about self-improvement?’ Suppose the client says, ‘not standing still’ (which is an away from value); so we now have two towards and one away from values.

So, we ask again, ‘What else is important to you about Learning?’, and the client might say, ‘being a better person’. This sounds like a towards, but is actually an away from as better implies better than what they don’t want. And therefore you ask again, ‘What is important to you about being a better person?’ and the client says something like ‘not being stuck’ (which is an away from). You now have two away from and two towards values, and you keep going until the client runs out or repeats words. The split of towards and away from answers gives you a sense of whether they are more frequently going for what they want or avoiding what they don’t want.

Make a note of all of the away from and towards answers for each value and share those with the client. Explain the concept of moving either towards what you want, or away from what you don’t want; and then help work out what percentage they are moving towards learning and what percentage they are moving away from its opposite (that is, not knowing enough). What you will end up with is something like this real case study as shown in Figure 7.9:

Now that we have the client’s values and the direction of the energy or motivation for each value, we can begin to unpick what it is that may be underneath the away from motivation, and also the potential source of any negative emotion and discomfort for the client (which are any limiting beliefs).

For example, when asking what do you believe about professionalism? You could get the following answers …

• It’s good to be professional
• High standards are important
• It’s good to get things right
• I like getting things right first time
• It’s important to be seen in a good light by others
• It is important to me that I am not seen as unprofessional
• It is important that I’m not seen as weak

It is easy here to spot the couple of limiting beliefs, in italics; albeit there could be others lurking underneath the seemingly positive statements, and so you have to trust your intuition as a coach. If you suspect that there are limiting beliefs hiding, then, as previously, probe further and ask them, ‘What do you believe about the belief it is good to be professional?’

So, from a seemingly positive statement, we find that there is a limiting belief under the surface. Our general advice as coaches is to expect limiting beliefs to be present; that way one is more prepared to be able to significantly help the client.

Where does this lead us? Well, now as a coach we have a lot of very useful information at our fingertips. To summarise:

• Firstly, we have a Motivational Map and a clear indication of which motivational preferences are not being fulfilled currently.
• Secondly, for those preferences at the top of the map not being fulfilled, we have elicited the client’s values (what is important to them) about those preferences.
• Thirdly, we know how much the client is moving towards what they want and away from what they do not want for each value, and the motivational preference as a whole.
• Finally, we have the client’s limiting beliefs that underpin the value and the direction of the energy/motivation of that value.

To build further on this, it is possible using NLP techniques to make one value more important and another less important. This can be extremely useful for a client if that value isn’t serving the client. In Joan’s example, letting go of ‘not making mistakes’ and making that whole value less important will have two impacts: one, it will make her move more towards what she wants rather than away from what she doesn’t want. To do this one might give her a task that links to that desired change: like creating something in draft form, which she knows isn’t perfect, and asking for feedback on that experience.

How does this work? Well, in NLP we understand that each experience, value and belief is coded subconsciously in a symbolic way. Everything in our subconscious has a specific code of modalities: visual, auditory (sounds or no sound) and kinaesthetic (feelings), or VAK for short. The combinations of ways we can store things via our sub-modalities are potentially limitless. Whenever we re-experience a memory, we do so in our mind’s eye with a combination of specific VAK sub-modalities (see Figure 7.10).

Our unique subconscious coding of our experience occurs through our modalities (visual/auditory/kinaesthetic), and a good way of thinking about this is as if it were subconscious bar code. If we change the bar code, we change the meaning for the client.

The purpose of these exercises is not so much to make a huge difference to your quality of life immediately, as changing beliefs and values fully requires either intense and prolonged practice or expert assistance from a coach. But, instead, this is more about providing a taster for you to understand that you can change limiting beliefs and values; and doing so, in turn, will affect our motivators as well. We will spot the shift next time we do our Motivational Map. It may be the order of the motivators has changed, or the intensity (reflected in the scoring) has altered.

Before we go any further we might want to ask ourselves where our values and beliefs come from anyway? In a sense this should be obvious from some of the Case Study examples we have used throughout the book. But in essence our beliefs about our self – our self-concept – develop throughout our life, though it is in childhood that its foundations are laid. We form our identity in response to the environment in which we find ourselves, and in particular in response to the ‘hypnosis’¹⁰ or conditioning that occurs through the primary medium of parental (or carer) messaging – what we are told over and over again by our parents at a young age tends to stick in our minds, for good or ill, and become habituated as a core belief which we perceive as the ‘truth’¹¹ – about ourselves and about reality.

We say ‘hypnosis’ because in a strange way that is exactly what it is¹². The reason for this is to do with brain wave patterns that develop as we grow up. Adults, typically in their waking hours, experience what is called beta brain wave patterns (vibrating at a frequency of c. 13–35 Hz); this reflects ordinary, everyday, busy thinking. But when we become relaxed, or meditate, we sink into alpha (c.8–12 Hz); this is a state in which learning, memory and healing is enhanced. If we go into an even deeper state of trance, theta, (c.4–8 Hz), then we cross over into that hypnotic area where creativity, insight and dreams occur. Finally, when we go below this to delta brain wave patterns (0.5–4 Hz) we are in deep sleep. So every adult goes through all four stages/frequencies every day as they go into and come out of sleep; and they can also access these alternative frequencies by practices such as meditation and hypnosis. But, the key thing is, beta is the adult dominant state. However, this is not true for children: children, aged up to 2 years old are dominantly in delta, which is why they sleep so much. Children aged from 2 up to 6 are predominantly in theta, which is why they are so playful, curious and creative. And children between 6–12 years (or puberty) are dominantly in alpha, which is why we all remember so vividly what happened to us at that period of our life. But certainly up to the age of 6, since we are not dominantly in either beta (thinking/judging) or alpha (learning) mode, but actually in the most potentially hypnotic state of all – theta – we are all prime candidates to absorb the messages that parents and others give us. Therefore, it’s not like being an adult, where we can possibly resist messages through the critical thinking that is represented in beta; no, the child is hypnotised into believing what its parents communicate to him or her, and there is little they can do to resist these powerful influences.

If we absorb these messages – beliefs – and they are limiting, not in our best interests, and not truly representative of who we are, then clearly we stop being ‘whole’. We stop being entirely authentic; instead, we develop inner conflicts. Children start off worry-free and novelty-friendly, but as they grow (most) increasingly worry more, conform more and lose their spontaneity.

And the Pareto Principle¹³, or 80/20 Rule, applies here as in every other area of our life. Many events happen to us and their long-term significance is small; but a few incidents have an impact out of all significance to their apparent importance or even duration. Being reprimanded, mocked, ridiculed just once can have an inordinate long-term impact on the young and impressionable mind; equally, repeated castigations, tellings-off, reminders that one is wrong, or not as good as, or imperfect in some way can have seriously deleterious effects both in the immediate present and the longer term future.¹⁴ These ‘Significant Emotional Events’ play a key part in our life, and as we grow up the subconscious mind tries to protect us from their emotional pain.

One important consequence of this process is that the protection that the subconscious mind affords can take the form of self-sabotage. This means that we have visions, missions, goals and we even state them, write them down, and claim we want them; but at some deeper level within us, we fear success, we do not believe we are worth or worthy of great achievement, so that at some point along the road to what we want our self-sabotage kicks in, we do something completely at variance with what we purport to want or to believe, and we destroy the very possibility of gaining what we think to have. This is particularly evident and relevant in personal relationships. People say they want somebody to love and be loved by, or they claim to love somebody, but then, just as the relationship is going well, they do something – like jarringly criticising the ‘beloved’ – which scuppers it.

But where in your professional career, job or role is self-sabotage occurring?

Key areas that we identify and have seen in our professional work include:

• Public speaking
• Venturing an opinion
• Contradicting or expressing disagreement
• Taking a risk
• Showing emotion
• Offending someone else or not being liked
• Non-conformity
• Trusting others
• Leaving one’s comfort zone
• Fear of flying

To counter these patterns there are three processes we recommend. The first is self-awareness and its cultivation in oneself. This chapter alone has many ways to explore your values and beliefs that are highly specific. It takes time but it is definitely worth doing. Of course, using a coach to help you can massively accelerate that process and our Resources section gives details of leading Mapping Motivation coaches throughout the world. The Motivational Maps themselves, of course, we see as a core resource in raising self-awareness.

Second, is to develop the ability to live in the present moment. This is an ancient Buddhist and Christian principle, and in the West has been popularised by Eckhart Tolle¹⁵ and John Main.¹⁶ We looked at ways of stilling the mind in Chapter 4 when we considered Activity 4.1 and Activity 4.2, the Breathing and the Hakalua Stillness Exercises. These – or alternatives¹⁷ – need to be done regularly, and keep in mind that in doing them we also help slow our brain wave patterns from beta to alpha, and this has many benefits, including health, learning and insight.

Finally, we need to understand that the three great change tools in the human psyche are:

1. Our desires
2. Our expectations
3. Our imagination¹⁸

These three tools drive us to make changes in our life. If we consider them, we see how much we already have covered. First, our desires are what we want. If we want something enough we become focused on achieving it; but we have to want enough. And this is why throughout we have advocated feeding our motivators, for these too are what we want. So, the first step is to need to want to change! And we want to change because we want to improve, to progress, to self-actualise and become all we could be. As David Brook expresses it: “Character is built in the course of your inner confrontation”.¹⁹

Expectations, of course, as we’ve said, are our beliefs about future outcomes, and throughout we have stressed the importance of positive expectations because these definitely affect results.²⁰ We have also looked extensively at how we might go about changing our beliefs and values, and hence expectations, in order to create a more positive, optimistic and successful re-orientation.

Finally, what of imagination, perhaps the defining characteristic of being human. How can this help us change for the better?

The power of the imagination is virtually unlimited. Everything that is came into existence via the imagination; it was seen in the mind’s eye before it was ‘created’, literally or physically. Thus, the more time is spent imagining ideal realities, the more likely it is that that reality will come to pass.²¹ Naturally, it is important that when using visualisation and imaging techniques that we stay in a relaxed state of mind; and note that by doing so we are helping to counter the childhood ‘hypnosis’ (and its brain wave frequencies) with its own antidote in later life, which are those same lower frequencies.

Finally, in this chapter, where do these three tools themselves derive from? And the strange answer is from our dreams. Our dreams, as we have already noted, occur in sleep when we are in the theta brain wave pattern,²² which is also responsible for the playful, creative, and curious attitude that we find in children aged 2–6. Other missing words here might include ‘intuition’ and ‘insight’; a deeper level of mind. What is strange is that from such unprepossessing, insubstantial, evanescent materials the reality of our lives is built. Therefore, we need to pay attention to our dreams and what they are trying to tell us. Writing about dreams would be a book in itself, but the simple idea of keeping a log by one’s bedside and jotting down any dreams that one recalls on awakening can lead to profound insights. Many people say that they cannot remember any dreams or that they never have any. But research indicates the opposite: we all dream, and if we ask our subconscious mind to remember them as we awake, we find it starts to comply with that habit!

Summary

1. Beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies.
2. Beliefs ultimately determine our choices in life, though choices can affect our beliefs.
3. Values are beliefs which are both important to us and which emotionally resonate with us.
4. Values are often subconscious, like our motivators, to which they are also connected.
5. Our values tend to have a direction either towards what we want or moving away from what we do not want.
6. The beliefs we have around each value can be either empowering or disabling.
7. Changing limiting beliefs changes our perception and our choices.
8. Changing our values changes what is important to us and what motivates us.
9. We can counter negative values and beliefs engrained in early childhood by accessing, through visualisation and imagination, deeper levels of mind.