6 Unblocking one more barrier to success: People

We have been looking throughout this book at self-sabotaging blocks to our performance and success, including the excuse of time and money as negative factors. We saw how this was usually related to our subconscious priorities and beliefs; also, if you have completed your Motivational Map, how motivators can help us understand currently how we prioritise time in relation to our work or business. We also gave you some exercises to help you begin to consider thinking differently about those priorities to assist you towards your new goal.

We now need to consider the issue of other PEOPLE blocking us! Before tackling this from a mapping and coaching perspective, it may be as well to consider all the reasons why we have difficulties with other people.

We can think of at least nine reasons why conflicts occur, and they are listed in Figure 6.1.

We cannot deal with all these causes in this chapter, but a couple of points do need noting. First, what we mean by ‘validity’. What we mean by this is whether the reason is actually legitimate. For example, is having different aims, objectives or goals to another person right or normal? Yes, it is; it’s part of life: you want to run in a marathon but Fred wants to play poker. The goals are different but equally valid. And so too with all the other categories, up to and including motivators: we note especially that it is OK¹ to have conflicting motivators, this is normal!

But when we come to ignorance, it is perhaps normal to be unintentionally ignorant about some topic or issue, since we all are from time to time. It is less valid, perhaps, to be and to remain deliberately ignorant. And so we progress – or regress – to the last three conflict issues which we claim are not valid: ego, game playing, and pathology. These ‘states’ or conditions of mind all represent a situation wherein the individual acts in a non-rational way, frequently blocking their own ability to achieve their true goals or desires. All three states reveal low, even chronically low, self-esteem, which means that there is invariably a follow-through issue even if the coach can get the client to accept and understand their condition. So, whilst a coach may encounter such people, their treatment is more aligned with therapy or counselling rather than coaching properly deployed, although the coach may well be able to help.

But in answer to the question, what do you consider to be the top three reasons for conflict, then the answer is almost certainly going to be: value clashes, goal differences and what is called personality problems. And it is on this last point – the number of people who say that there is a ‘personality clash’ at work, or even within the family – that we want to resume our coaching theme. For, oftentimes, what is perceived to be a personality clash can in reality be a motivational clash; indeed, we think that ‘personality clash’ is frequently a lazy shorthand for those not bothering to look beneath the surface – where the energies are in a constant ferment.

So, to return to our focus, remember what we said in Chapter 2 that PERCEPTION IS PROJECTION!

Do we see here two faces facing each other or a candlestick? Similarly, in physics, is it a wave of light or a particle? It all depends on how we choose to observe it. We project² onto other people exactly what we want to see, and often this involves some aspect of our own personality, issues, or ‘shadow-side’.

Perhaps it helps us to be more compassionate if we remember Philo of Alexandria’s reported view: ‘Be kind. Everyone you meet is carrying a big problem’³. People who strike out at you have their problems too.

If that isn’t enough here are two reasons more why is it so important to forgive and clear the negative images we have up of others:

1. It helps us to heal – emotionally and spiritually (which can lead to physical and mental healing) and become more whole and complete. Our lives can then enjoy greater levels of peace and contentment.
2. It drastically improves your ability to perceive people in a positive light and hence be able to positively influence them (remember perception is projection). To increase your influence over others is tantamount to increasing your power. Think about it: when you totally and utterly reject somebody and refuse to forgive them, then they tend to erect massive barriers towards you and your interests and positions.

Two real examples illustrate points 1 and 2.

At this point we are keeping it simple, just considering the top three, most important motivators as they apply to Jim and Bevis.

Jim’s Defender means he wants to have security, stability, predictability and routine; the question here to ask yourself is: does someone wanting security like risk or change? Of course not!

By way of contrast, Bevis wants freedom, autonomy of decision making, independence and hates micro management; the question here is the same, does someone wanting freedom like risk or change? Of course!

Hence, we have right up front a fundamental conflict. But the conflict is not just that they have different motivators, which is somewhat obvious. No, it goes down into a deeper, more invisible and subtle level of their psyche: how risk and change appear to them both. One thrives on it; the other rejects it. Neither position is good or bad, but context determines everything. So if we put a negative spin on both their attitudes it would be that Bevis’s embrace of risk and change may be or may become reckless, and so destructive; and Jim’s avoidance of risk and change may be or may become timidity, and so conformist.

Alternatively, if we put a positive spin on their respective attitudes, Bevis is bold and adventurous, whereas Jim’s position is analytical and planned.

Alternating between these two poles of a positive AND negative spin on what the Map might mean without committing prematurely to either is a central concept in advanced coaching practice for Motivational Maps; too many jump too readily to one interpretation or the other.

Ideally, it is the senior person, the manager, who will take responsibility for accommodating or matching the motivators of their subordinates. However, in Bevis’s own words:

This became crucial in effecting real and significant changes to the Leisure Centre.

With this in mind, then, what if other motivators were in Jim’s top three (or Bevis’s for that matter – and keep in mind everyone’s motivators change over time)? Let’s take a moment to look at the nine motivational drivers again (see Figure 6.3).

We have considered the conflict between Jim’s Defender and Bevis’s Spirit. But consider this: what if one and the same person had Defender and Spirit within their own profile as first and second motivators, equally or very closely scored? What would that mean or do?⁷

One should note on this chart (see Figure 6.4) that some tensions or internal incompatibilities are not always the case; most notably the Expert with the Creator. These can be a wonderfully complementary pairing within the psyche of an individual, as learning feeds creativity and vice versa; but sometimes – if one reflects on what one sees – an individual may have deep learning which is ‘frozen’, as it were, and they become rigid in their application of knowledge. In short, non-creative. This is another example of alternating between two poles of positive and negative interpretation without that irritable reaching after facts prematurely!

Understanding Map preferences, then, can help us better communicate with ‘difficult’ others (see Figure 6.5).

These ‘potential’ conflicts first occur within our own profiles; we find ourselves drawn in two opposing directions. But equally we can experience what we call ‘polarity reinforcement’ whereby motivators are at opposite ends of the profile, and so reinforce the strong motivator at the top end.

To give an example of this, let’s take the ‘tension’, which is very common in certain sectors⁸ of Searcher top motivator and Defender in second place. This is not good or bad in itself, but clearly the individual is being pulled in two contrary directions; this may have benefits or not. But now imagine the situation whereby somebody has Searcher No. 1 and Defender No. 9, which is the lowest motivator (and of course, equally, imagine Defender No. 1 and Searcher No. 9). This is where we get polarity reinforcement: if Defender is 9th, then its power to minimise improvements and change is lessened, so that the energy to drive improvements – the making a difference of the Searcher – is thereby heightened. It is important to realise of course that more than just two motivators may be involved in this polarity reinforcement; we see from the examples that we could have a situation where Defender is No.1 AND Creator and Searcher are No. 8 and No. 9 in the order, so that both their energies for change do not dilute the energy of conservation and stability that the Defender wants.

Where these polarity reinforcements occur, therefore, especially in our own profiles, we are going to find it difficult⁹ communicating with someone who has a reverse polarity reinforcement to ourselves! So imagine you are (see Figure 6.6):

The chance of conflict and misunderstanding, then, is heightened when we have contrasting profiles with other people. How might this play out in practice? See Figure 6.7.

So, for communication to flow, and for us to become as flexible communicators as we can be, we need to gain a greater understanding of the benefits of each of the motivators; like attracts like and people respond more to the motivators that drive them.

One further incentive to adopt this way of thinking about others is this: in any situation we find ourselves in regarding difficult people, we have a choice. Do we want to be right, or do we want to be effective? To be right means that we are going to prove that somebody else is wrong; this is always disputatious, and leads to people sticking their heels in, even when they know they are wrong. They mustn’t lose face. On the other hand, to be effective means: to get a good result, often for yourself, but even better for you and the other person. This is typically called a win–win situation.

Thus, being effective is not about being ‘right’; it is about understanding, first and foremost, where the other person is coming from. Usually this only means their intellectual position, but in using the Maps we are also suggesting that we include where they are coming from motivationally, energetically, emotionally. This way we have far more chance of success.

We have seen from Bevis’s approach to Jim how his language changed when he realised how different their motivational profiles were; and how Bevis needed to incorporate far more ‘Defender-speak’ into his propositions in order to get them accepted – which they were more frequently. But there is also another important Map principle here that applies both to your own personal development and to how we deal with other, especially difficult, people – and unblock the barriers.

It should be evident by now that motivation is like health and fitness; in other words, motivation is something we need to maintain on an ongoing and regular basis. Once we have done our Map, then we have a firm basis on which we can plan or plot our motivational inputs over the succeeding 18 months or so. Before we do that, however:

When we target specific rewards for our self, we call this Reward Strategies. Whether we are doing this consciously or not, it is what, if you will, keeps us going, keeps us motivated. And we need to be motivated for we already know that there is a powerful correlation between performance and high levels of motivation. But there is also another significant connection: between motivation and attractiveness. We become more attractive (generally speaking, and accepting that profoundly negative people¹⁰ tend to resent others who shine via their energy, as they lack it) to other people when we are high energy. The stars of screen, film, TV, sport and even politics that we most like and enjoy are invariably (whatever they may actually be off-screen or out of the public eye) high energy individuals.

So, to become more attractive as people – which increases our influence – we need to become more motivated; as coaches too we are leaders, and clients take their cue from the energy level of the coach. This, then, is another reason for high energy levels in every encounter. What do we need to do to reward ourselves?

The key thing to grasp is a. we need to reward ourselves often and frequently, so that it forms a habit, and b. the rewards can be small, micro-rewards, and c. that we have usually three top motivators to replenish. From your Map you will know your satisfaction rating – or PMA – score with these three top motivators, so you can identify which ones especially need ‘feeding’. See Figure 6.8.

Now we come to sustaining or improving the motivation of the client. Again, there will be big picture motivators that are immediately evident (see Figure 6.9).

These are all big picture things the client wants; but the coach can quickly establish whether they have them or to what degree they have them; and then help them re-commit to their achievement. If we just take the first one, The Searcher, then mission or purpose is central to their well-being; they want to engage in meaningful activities that contribute to their life’s purpose. But for all that, in our experience, we find time and time again, including when we coach coaches, that so many people have not created a Mission Statement¹¹ which they can refer to as their compass as they move forward.

What, then, about those micro-rewards that we can suggest to the client that can help keep them motivated on a daily or weekly or monthly basis? See Figure 6.10.

These ideas – and of course they are not exhaustive – are there to help us motivate our clients more, so they, like us, become high energy individuals. In this way a number of benefits accrue: we are more attractive as high energy people, more influential, and actually more resilient. Being highly motivated provides an increase in wellbeing as well as energy, and we find we can cope with more, including handling the difficult people who set up barriers to what we want to

achieve. And we can do this by micro-rewards to ourselves; and secondly, we reward others, subtly, in the same way, thus creating a positive and upward spiral of energy.

We have come a long way in this chapter, and yet can scarcely claim to have covered the fullness of a topic such as unblocking the people barrier, but a couple of things should be clear. First, we have emphasised the importance of unblocking oneself – and the power of forgiveness – in the first instance. Secondly, we have roundly promoted the counterintuitive idea that motivation can make a massive difference to the way we interact with others, and that many barriers can be removed if we use the principles (if not the actual Maps themselves) of Motivational Mapping.

There is one final thing to say on this, and that is this. Self-development follows a well-trodden path, which, like the Maps themselves, are counterintuitive. They are counterintuitive in that most people practise self-development backwards. It goes something like this: ‘If I had 10 million pounds or dollars, THEN I could do whatever I want, and THEN I’d be really happy’. Notice the sequence: HAVE– DO–BE. This is all wrong for many reasons, and almost never ends happily. Our self-esteem has a way of recalibrating the balance. We see this most prominently with big lottery¹² winners. It is estimated that over 30 per cent or more of the big winners end up eventually ‘losing’ the fortunes they won by chance: in their being they did not feel worth the fortune, and as they had done nothing meaningful to acquire it, so their subconscious minds – and its limiting beliefs – has taken over and allowed them to fritter it all away.

The correct personal development sequence, then, is BEING first, then DOING, and when they are aligned we have HAVING (or GETTING). So we need to generate:

• ‘To be’ goals
• ‘To do’ goals
• ‘To have’ goals

And in that order really. We start with personal development – to be/to become – rather than what we want to achieve or have. This is especially, and critically, true of all leaders, and we will be saying a lot more about this in the forthcoming companion volume to this called Mapping Motivation for Leadership.¹³

And therefore in order to have what we want, we need to do what we need to do, and for us to be able to do that from a position of power, we need to be the kind of person, firstly, from whom that kind of doing flows! We need to be congruent – be, do, and have are aligned. There is of course a feedback loop here that is summed up in the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’. This expresses the idea that by committing to certain actions and habits we can become the kind of people we want to be; in other words, by persistently doing things we can and will affect who we are¹⁴ – going up a level – and also by doing so may well acquire – have (going down a level) – ‘things’ as well. Hence, our actions – our doings – sit at a central see-saw point in our development.

We think this ties in with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in that people can advance up the Hierarchy, and move towards self-actualisation, but also can descend back down as a response to urgencies, emergencies and situations that change their fundamental perceptions of themselves and their reality. And so, if that is true of Maslow, then it is true of the Maps. As we like to say: motivations change over time. No state is intrinsically ‘superior’, although ‘being’ is the preferred and ultimate state we desire if only because the others – doing/having – are endless; that is to say, we often find we cannot exhaust our desire to acquire ‘stuff’ (think shopaholics!) or stop ourselves doing ‘things’ (think workaholics!). But ‘being’ is entire and complete of itself; therefore, being is a state of peace, and thus peace of mind, and so our ultimate desire. We rest content with our self; it is in fact our still point in the turning world, and if we are centred there, all things are possible. Lao Tzu expressed it this way: “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”¹⁵

If we consider the three elements (RAG) of Maps, then we do encounter a parallel world (see Figure 6.11 on the next page).

Various elements of Mapping are now drawn together: the three primary divisions of motivators into Relationship, Achievement and Growth, their links to Feel–Think–Know modes of communicating, Past–Present–Future orientation, the self-concept’s tripartite division into self-esteem, self-image and ideal self,¹⁶ and three respective foci: how our sense of security is inseparably bound to our Relationships – we HAVE relationships; our sense of success is inseparably bound to our Achievement – we DO achievements; and our sense of self-actualisation inseparably bound to our Growth – we BECOME who we are¹⁷! Note the word PRESENT next to the Achievement cluster in Figure 6.11: in this we refer to taking action in the present, as opposed to living presently in the moment, which is independent of the motivational preferences. It is independent because ‘living presently in the moment’ is a spiritual – in the widest sense of the word – practice, which all three elements of motivation, R, A, and G, can access if they choose.

Of course, as children the Maslow hierarchy goes from Have to Do to Be. We have relationships with our parents that provide the necessary security to enable us to Do things – like walk for the first time, or like leaving home eventually – and then as adults we become fully who we are. But this assumes we have had that security, that we have had those early successes which we did, to give us the confidence to become who we really are, and that BE–DO–HAVE is our norm. However, this is a big assumption, and it is why the process can reverse under stress (back to HAVE–DO–BE) as adults try to feel better by doing and having more in a never ending failed cycle: most people do not feel enough security, and did not achieve at the level they wanted growing up¹⁸, and often spend time trying to prove something in adult life to overcome what they felt they lacked earlier in life. This is why the focus has to switch to BEING, and personal development as the priority – necessitating DOING and HAVING following in its wake.

In this way, then, we come full circle to dealing with the most difficult block of all in dealing with others: our Self.

Summary

1. There are nine major reasons why we find ourselves in conflict with others.
2. Personality conflicts are often motivational conflicts.
3. Practising forgiveness on a regular basis is good for others and good for us psychologically.
4. Contrasting motivations can lead to serious blockages in dealing with others.
5. Adapting one’s language to match another’s motivational preferences can be highly effective.
6. Understanding where motivators conflict and where there is ‘polarity reinforcement’ is important.
7. ‘Polarity reinforcements’ can easily exaggerate unwitting stereotyping of other people.
8. Practising Reward and Micro-reward strategies on ourselves and our clients can have profoundly motivating effects.
9. Self-development follows the Being–Doing–Having sequence, not the other way around.