2 Coaching for higher performance

Coaching starts with considering the issue of self-awareness for the simple reason that the person who is not self-aware has – by definition – no awareness, or consciousness, that there is anything on which to work within one self. This applies as much to self-development as it does to coaching a client. If a cat scratches its fur going through a barbed wire fence, we know it has become ‘aware’ of the injury because it will start to lick the wound relentlessly in its efforts to heal the scratch. So even animals become highly self-aware of the issues that concern them; although in human beings, with their powerful intellects and advanced emotional apparatus, this is a far more complex activity.

Coaching, then, in simplistic terms might be said to be a three-step process:

1. Enabling the client to become more self-aware;
2. Facilitating their decision to change;
3. Helping the client generate actions to support and achieve the change – new rituals and habits.

But what, we may ask, is it that humans become self-aware about? As a starting point we might say, the Self. The Self is the modern psychological term used to describe what in the past we called the soul. What this Self or soul is lies beyond the scope of this book, but one does not need to be specifically religious to resonate with the idea, common all over the world, “that there is some part of us which should not be sold, betrayed or lost at any cost”.¹ It is who we are at a root level and one only needs to reflect that everybody – yes, everybody – at some point in their life talks to themselves; indeed, many people do it all the time. But who are we speaking to when we talk to ourselves? It is as if there are two people present in this self-dialogue. The intellect or the mind or the ego perhaps talking to the deeper Self, the soul, and if it waits long enough, getting answers back.

This is a fascinating topic: the human person is one, but already we find ‘two’ dialoguing within. If we take this a stage further, one clear model that is useful from a coaching perspective is to see a human being as having four interrelated yet distinct strands, rather like four strands in a rope that weave around each other to form one cable and which as a result of the interweaving is immeasurably stronger (see Figure 2.1).

These four strands² are: the body (physical – doing), the mind (mental – thinking), the emotions (emotional – feeling), and the spirit (spiritual – knowing/being). Wellbeing is critical in all four areas, and a prolonged or sustained problem in one area will inevitably spill over and contaminate another. For example, there is now a well-known medical discipline called Psycho-immunology, which is the study of the interaction between psychological processes and the nervous and immune systems of the human body. In other words, ‘mere’ emotional stress can cause life threatening illnesses in the body. And so it is with all four areas interacting. For the sake of clarity, the spiritual strand is not necessarily about religion or being religious; it is about man’s search for meaning.³ We need only to contemplate that there have been many examples to show how this can affect the whole person – of people who, regrettably, have lost all meaning in their lives, leading to negative thoughts, emotional depressions, and, in some instances, to suicide and thus the death of the body.

Just, then, as weaknesses in any area affect other areas, so too do strengths. And here’s where coaching can help. A starting point for self-awareness might be: How resilient are we in each of these four areas or strands of our Self? And having reviewed where we are, then to take action as appropriate. Figure 2.2 provides a simple diagnostic to help you review where you are.

When you have done this, take some time to look at your scores. Here are some rough guidelines: scores above 8 are excellent, 6–8 are good, 3–5 are poor, 1–2 are a major challenge. Also note whether there is one area especially that is low and problematic. If so, this is what is sometimes called the ‘Choke Point’ – the point that is preventing achievement in your other areas or overall. To take a simple example, if all your scores are 9 or 10 but your health is a 2/10, then eventually your health condition will impede your otherwise excellent progress.

This ‘excellent progress’ that we wish to make, therefore, does involve our own four strands being stronger, more resilient, and more interactive; each strand depends on every other strand for its strength and versatility. For some clients, not being aware that they have an issue in a specific strand can be a revelation; coaching is a mechanism to help them explore these strands and to achieve greater self-awareness. But to be frank, most of the coaching going on in the world does not happen because people want the benefit of self-awareness! Some do, but many want coaching because it leads to that ‘excellent progress’, which is invariably towards the client’s goals. We call this ‘performance’ and performing well. Indeed, all healthy personalities want to perform at a high level, because

1. it feels good and boosts the self-esteem, and
2. because it enables superior results and outcomes in all our endeavours.

Superior results, of course, lead usually to

• c. superior rewards!

Hence we need to look at Performance (a process) in some detail. Before we do, however, we would like to share with you a simple coaching tool that we have developed to get to the root of what is causing the client pain or acting as an impediment to future success (an outcome). The model presented in Figure 2.2 is usable but basic. What if we could cover all the bases in one diagnostic? Our work in this field has led us to create a model that expands the basic four strands into seven elements for success (see Figure 2.3).This more expansive model includes features that impact our overall Self such as Quality of Relationships, which can have a huge impact on our emotions and sense of meaning. Furthermore, this model, though still a self-awareness diagnostic, now specifically addresses the issues of performance and success.

A rough guide to scoring would be in one of four ranges:

• 80+ – you are on course for a successful life
• 60–79 – you have many elements in place, tweaking needed
• 35–59 – some big changes are needed to get what you want
• 0–34 – you are very unhappy – resolve to change now!

Keep in mind these scores are not an absolute law. But we have found with hundreds of clients that the four quadrants of scoring do give a pretty accurate picture. This is especially true where the client, perhaps, has scored big in one area – say, wealth – and may be a millionaire, BUT – are they successful? Their relationships may have failed, they cannot relax and their health may be poor; or to put it as GK Chesterton did: “The typical modern man is the insane millionaire, who has drudged to get money, and then finds he cannot enjoy even money, but only drudgery”.⁵ This cannot be construed as success in life, for apart from the lack of true meaning, there is an underlying unhappiness. The same excess in one or two other elements equally can cause imbalance elsewhere.

We come, then, to discussing the issue of performance. First, we need to reiterate what we said in the introduction: that we all start by performing badly. But we go through a learning and developmental process that enables us to perform well. Indeed, we go from poor to good, from good to excellent and finally from excellent to outstanding. Certainly, as far as our core profession is concerned, then we should aim to be outstanding. To join, in other words, the 4 per cent⁶ of truly outstanding performers, which is the 20 per cent of the 20 per cent according to the Pareto Principle. Coaching helps at every current level of performance, but for the seriously ambitious, who wish to become outstanding, there is a special fillip.

For it is certainly the case that most people want to work with, employ, contract, enjoy even, the top performers. We’d never deliberately choose to go to the worst doctor or dentist, would we? Similarly, if we care about results, we choose the best suppliers in all the fields of our work and our life. Put another way, coaching is especially relevant at the top end of performance because not only does it impact outcomes but it also becomes a form of marketing in itself. Jay Abraham,⁷ the pre-eminent American marketing guru, often asserts that in marketing one of the key principles is to be perceived as ‘pre-eminent’, and to be pre-eminent in any field requires superior performance.

Performance has three elements to it (see Figure 2.4).

All three elements are critical for success, but for the coach there has to be a starting point, and that usually is Direction. Before we know anything else, the client has to be clear about what they wish to achieve, where they are going (for example, where will they be in five years’ time), and so all the skill in the world, and all the motivational energy, is going to be wasted if the client is going in the wrong direction. Therefore, a primary function of a great coach is to enable the client to establish with certainty that the direction they are heading is right for them (given that they have established rapport and motivation).

On top of this it is important that direction is aligned with motivators, otherwise the journey will go against the ‘emotional grain’ of the person; that will mean an increasing and corresponding difficulty as energy gets ever more depleted. In the final analysis, people who force themselves by willpower to do what they don’t actually ‘want’ to do, become stressed and sick. For, as Paul Canon Harris⁸ observed, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing”. The coach is there to help us find what that ‘main thing’ is, and it always involves a direction we have to go in to get it or to get there.

Before therefore we progress with this book we need to ensure that you feel like you have a clear direction – clarity, if you will, of what it is you want to create in your life.

At some level people have a deep feeling that their lives could be better; they know there is more available to them, and often they imagine future scenarios in which they see themselves happier and better than they are now. It’s sometimes called ‘day-dreaming’: A picture, especially if the dream recurs, or a strong mental image starts forming in the mind. It begins to leave an imprint and we start strongly (as correspondingly strongly as the mental image forming) desiring this future or that end state. It may be that, say in five years’ time, we see ourselves much wealthier or more successful in our career, or running a more fulfilling business, or in a new relationship or a much improved one, or that we are fitter, healthier in some way that makes us feel more attractive. We could go on, but these dreams to images to desires form the basis of what we might call a vision: A vision is seeing what may exist in the future now! And it is a homing mechanism; once you commit or lock onto a vision, your vision, you start the mobilisation of your own inner resources to meet the challenge. These inner resources are both your conscious intent and mental capacities, but also your subconscious mind, which must be aligned with your overt intent, otherwise self-sabotage occurs. We will return to the issue of congruence later, but let us consider vision in more detail.

It is important to bear in mind the ‘double-bind’ intrinsic to vision: First, a vision is a ‘picture of the preferred picture’. Making the big picture real for one-self⁹ is a distinctive competence and special responsibility.¹⁰ This preferred picture has one basic premise: Things can be better than they are now.

The second ‘bind’ of a vision is a reason for being; thus, it is an ‘emotional catalyst’. This is vital: Simply to point out where we are and gesticulate to where we want to be is a kind of ‘gap analysis’, but of a futile kind. Without an emotional catalyst the ‘gap’ might well be a cause for despair rather than effort. Furthermore, if we consider the notion of the ‘preferred picture’, then we can see that the importance of the word ‘preferred’ does not reside in our intellectual assent. Oh, yes, it would be better if I had a successful business (but, sub-text, I’m not personally bothered). But in our emotional state, this preferred picture is something I really like and want – I want a successful business, this means something to me! In short, we identify with the preferred picture and it starts becoming part of our lives, our identities. This, in turn, generates what Charles Handy¹¹ calls the ‘E-forces’ of excitement, energy, enthusiasm, effort.

Thus, the coach is helping the client not only formulate a picture of the future, but is enabling the client to be ‘emotionally catalysed’ (or, to be less emotive, motivated) by the vision. The personal element is key; when a change agenda shifts from clichés, generalities and the obvious to an individual’s hopes and dreams, and is expressed in their own words, it comes powerfully alive. What will kill a vision is insincerity; formulating a picture of a future that you don’t really want and are not really committed to. If that sounds unlikely, and if you want to say, “But, who would do that?”, the answer is, unfortunately, so many do. People decide, falsely as it were, against their own inner grain, that they should or ought to want this or to do that; oftentimes, these desires derive from childhood conditioning and the need for parental approval. They are powerful drives that need to be exposed to the light of self-awareness if they are ever to be surmounted.

One coaching technique that can help the client establish what is their real vision is by using the Motivational Map, for there will need to be an energetic alignment with the Map profile and the future vision.

Can you see that although the motivator sequence may not absolutely stop you realising your vision, their order is or can make a profound difference as to whether you are likely to achieve it simply because the lack of motivation in an area that might naturally require it means that you do not really ‘want’ it in the same way as someone else for whom the motivator is dominant?

But once we have the vision we need to break the image down into manageable chunks – stepping stones, markers, do-able activities. As someone once joked, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The truth is a vision is too big a thing to achieve in one step or one move or one manoeuvre; it requires breaking down into specific goals, and these goals need addressing through specific actions. We will say more about choosing the right actions, the 20 per cent that make the real difference, in the next chapter.

The coach, then, must elicit from the client what their vision for the future is and consequently what goals follow from that (see Figure 2.6). And, the coach must also ensure there is an emotional – motivational – alignment between the vision and goals and the person’s real feelings. This is a real challenge. But first, what is a goal?

This last point is vital and takes us back to daydreaming, but not in a positive sense as before: many people find it easy to keep wishing that their life were other than it is; but without the urgency of time to drive them to action, the wishes remain wishes and never become true goals. In a strange way, whilst we can all bemoan the lack of time we experience, time properly understood is the spur that leads us to achieve. Time pressurises us to do more because it is limited; that said, of course, if we prioritise how we use our time, as per the 80/20 rule, there is plenty of time. As the great Roman, Seneca, put it: “Life is long enough, and it’s given in sufficient measure to do many great things if we spend it well”.

Now that you have the main areas of your life and a timescale to work towards, ask yourself what do you want to achieve in each area of your life in that timescale? Make a few bullet points and ensure you have considered each area of life (see Figure 2.7).

Now consider congruency. Keep in mind that we already have urged you to ensure that your vision and goals are congruent with your motivators. But there is a further congruence to consider. That is, does the domain or area of application of each goal complement the others, or are there elements of the goal which contradict or conflict with each other? For a truly effective goal we want all areas to work in harmony. This is not a compromise; it is instead actually considering what you really want in all of the areas of your life. Time is limited; if we consider relationships, achievement and growth and give them more familiar names such as family, career and personal development, respectively, it should be obvious that to get satisfaction in all three areas requires a delicate balancing act, and congruence. If, then, we spend all our time at and on work and our career, it will be difficult to sustain meaningful relationships or even to develop as a person. Equally, any other one category that is excessively focused on can have devastating consequences in the other areas. This principle applies at the main category level, but also at the smaller and more intimate goal setting level.

Thus, you need to consider congruency of your goals. Revisit the ones you have identified in Figure 2.7. Ask, are they congruent? The questions you have to ask yourself if you are unsure are: can all these goals be achieved? Is there enough time in the next 3-6-9-12 months? Do I have enough resources to simultaneously work on all of these? And, if I had to prioritise, what would be the order of importance? Which have priority? Or put another way: Which is most important to you?

With these questions in mind, amend or refine any that are conflicting with each other but don’t ditch them if they are important to you. Instead, change the level of expectation to one you feel you can meet, and yet stay aligned. A change of expectation might be: increasing the time frame for a promotion you want, reducing but not stopping one’s other commitments, creating more boundaries around one’s key relationships, especially perhaps with friends and so on.

Once you have refined the raw data of your goals, ensuring that they are congruent, a second need arises. Namely, the need to make the goal(s) as compelling to your subconscious mind as you possibly can. This is a critical point. Merely creating intellectual goals that the conscious mind assents to is not likely to succeed. There needs to be a deeper commitment from the whole you, your mind and your subconscious mind, to make goals work and be achievable. Your subconscious mind works through images, sounds and feelings; and it codes data, too, in that way. Every memory is coded symbolically with a unique set of pictures (and in an immeasurable number of combinations), sounds and feelings. This is how in a symbolic manner the subconscious mind stores everything that ever happens to us. It means of course that in some empirical sense our memories are not real; they are symbolic representations of our own reality. They are constructions the mind makes, albeit they seem very real to us. For many knowing this is a huge revelation, as they begin to understand that negative emotions from the past may not be the permanent fixture of their life they assumed they had to be. Fixtures which, of course, may well produce and play an over-bearing role in the outcomes of the future! Indeed, symbolic representations may well be de-constructed and others, better ones, substituted for them.

So how can we use this knowledge to our advantage with goal setting? Well, if you ever remember seeing a particular car which you like on the road for the first time, and you wanted it, you may have noticed that once you take specific note of that car, you begin to see it everywhere you go. What we focus on, in other words, grows in our experience.¹² Once something is in our conscious awareness we see opportunities. Is it that the cars and the opportunities were always there? Yes, but until we notice them we don’t recognise them. Our minds can process 126 bits of information a second,¹³ but within that same time frame we receive countless pieces of visual, auditory and kinaesthetic information bombarding our senses. What we pay attention to, therefore, has more to do with what is going on in our minds than in what we may term the external reality that is ‘out there’. The mind, therefore, is more of a projector than a receiver; or, “perception is projection”.¹⁴

With goal setting we can project our desired outcome by making it compelling to the subconscious mind by giving it a distinct visual, auditory and kinaesthetic quality.

Thus, an example of a well written goal – imagine as a movie in your mind – might be this (see Figure 2.8):

Bevis's Vision

I know I have achieved my goal when on the 31st July 2017, I walk in the front door of my home and am immediately greeted by the smiling faces of my children. They are both super excited and jump into my arms as I walk inside the door. They have something they want to show me. As they take my hand and walk me through our home, they insist I close my eyes as they do and I can hear the excited murmurings of both, and the voice of Jules telling them to be careful. I am feeling fit, healthy, calm and energised after a Personal Training session that day, and I am enjoying my twice weekly workouts, weekly round of golf and daily meditations. They announce I can now open my eyes. I am not surprised but very pleased by what I see: the extension at the back of our home is now complete and I am looking out over an open plan kitchen dining area with a large wooden table capable of seating 10 comfortably with bench seating either side. The light comes in naturally through the Velux ceiling glass and through the windows to the front and side. Jules has done a fabulous job setting up the space with comfortable furnishings, making it a place to both eat and relax. The wood burner sits proudly to my right and I can feel the glow of heat emerging from it (not that we need it on today!) and the large rectangular cream floor tiles both add contrast to the kitchen and also neatly divide the two spaces. Aidan and Ellie rush me excitedly to the back doors and we open them and I can feel the fresh late afternoon summer’s breeze on my face as we go out into the garden. Jules comes out with us and we decide to have a barbecue. Later, as we enjoy our family meal together, I reflect on the amazing six months we have had with our first book now written

Notice in the real example from Bevis that the vision of his future is powerfully envisaged in visual terms (the smiling faces, open my eyes, etc.), auditory terms (murmurings, voice, etc.) and kinaesthetic terms (jump into my arms, take my hand, etc.) In this way his future comes alive for him, becomes tangible, and the subconscious mind becomes excited by the images and feelings engendered by the activity. Essentially, what it then seeks is to have what it has in prospect as a reality; the subconscious, then, begins the process of ‘attracting’ reality to conform to the image, and it does this, naturally, subconsciously. It’s not conscious work; it’s an alignment of the subconscious mind with the intentions of the conscious one. Reality must be ‘like’ the image – this is the law of attraction.¹⁵

Dozens of books on what has been called ‘the law of attraction’ have been written, all extolling the virtue of such exercises; however, our intention, as much as understanding what it is that you want to achieve, is for you also to begin to realise at a deeper level what is really in the way of you achieving your goal!

In Chapters 5 and 6 we will explore the Limiting Beliefs and negative emotions which can often emerge the minute you set a new stretching goal. For the moment, however, if as you read your goal(s) any doubts or negative thoughts crop up just make a note of them (they will come in handy, too, for Chapters 4 and 7 especially).

Refining your goal: As you read your goal make sure that you check that it is:

• a) Stretching (most people when first writing a goal write something they can achieve comfortably). We tell our clients that we want them to fail repeatedly to achieve their 1-year goals; for as their life unfolds a much bigger canvass emerges. Or, put another way, as you sail towards the horizon the view changes and one needs to adapt in the light of the new and more accurate perception of the way ahead. It is better to get 75 per cent of the way towards achieving a big goal – a big cake – than it is to set a much smaller goal and bake, successfully, a very small cake. This may seem to contradict the points we make on congruency; however, what we are looking for here is a balance between the goal being big and stretching and also congruent, so that no one element of the goal gets in the way of another.
• b) Pay attention to any lack of specificity; look out for any statements where you have used the classic vagueness of setting a goal like ‘more money’. A good coach will respond, how much more specifically, and by when, and how will you know you have it? Be as specific as you can.
• c) Also note any areas of negation where you are really still thinking about what you don’t want (this is far more common than you might think). For example: I know I will have achieved my goal when I am no longer in this job that I hate and I stop feeling sluggish and miserable. If your goal sounds like this, then what would be the opposite of what you have said be like? If you weren’t feeling sluggish and miserable, how then would you actually be feeling? This is more important than we often can imagine, as we literally get in life what we focus on; therefore, at the outset we must make sure our subconscious thoughts are directed towards what we really want, as opposed to what we don’t. Keep in mind, too, that to focus on what you don’t want – on what you wish to avoid – is also to induce fear into your own subconscious, and fear usually paralyses rational action, creativity and effective decision-making. So, best to not go there!

The question of congruence, however, needs more and deeper exploration. For there are three major related but separate issues here. There is:

1. the congruence of the goals themselves
2. the congruence of each individual’s motivators with their goals
3. the congruence of the goals and motivators with the individual’s mission!

Mission and Vision are two quite different things. See Chapter 8 for more on mission. We need to remember that “Everything looks like failure in the middle. In nearly every change project doubt is cast on the original vision because problems are mounting and the end is nowhere in sight”.¹⁶ So, it is important not to give up too soon, to persevere. But that said, there are three major reasons why goal-setting fails, and to re-iterate: first, is insincerity – is the vision/goals what you really, really want? Second is incongruence – with other goals, other values, and with our own self-concept; and, finally, imprecision – a lack of clarity and of specifics, of being too vague and general. The coach, then, is one who challenges the client on clarity, alignment and desire; for when these three aspects converge, the client is truly empowered to go forward.

Summary

1. Coaching helps the client to become more self-aware, make the decision to change, and supports the client in both generating and completing actions to change and improve.
2. Self-awareness in the truest sense includes awareness of the body, mind, emotion and spirit.
3. Success for a client is success in all areas of life, with each area in harmony with the others.
4. Goals need to be aligned with the motivational preferences of the client.
5. Good goals cause clients to be emotionally driven by their contents.
6. Goals must have a timeline, a date by which they are achieved.
7. Congruency means that your goals include all areas of life important to you rather than focusing on just one at the detriment of others.
8. Goals need to be written, so that they evoke the senses, so that you see hear and feel them …
9. Goals need to be precise, sincere and congruent.