4 Coaching, NLP, and Motivational Maps

So far we have covered several angles on coaching, motivation and performance; now we would like to explore links between coaching, NLP, and Motivational Maps. NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming, which was developed in the 1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder.¹ By studying several world class therapists and modelling – imitating – their processes for success with patients, they came up with a series of ‘pillars’ and principles that underpin their methodology. The ‘Four Pillars of NLP’² are:

• 1 Setting your goals – clarifying what you want
• 2 Using your senses – paying close attention to everything for clues and cues
• 3 Behaving flexibly – not getting stuck in patterns, routines that don’t work
• 4 Building relationships – recognising the necessity of others’ support to achieve goals

These pillars are entirely compatible with what we have said so far. One constant and recurring theme has been the ‘invisible’: there in the subconscious, those imperceptible threads it seems to weave, and how we experience problems we can’t quite put our finger on. These keep us stuck until we can bring them into conscious awareness, and clearly Motivational Maps and coaching are two powerful mechanisms for doing this.

Bringing problematic subconscious thoughts and patterns to the surface is literally like shining a flashlight on a dark corner of a room: all of a sudden you can see clearly. From an NLP perspective gaining that insight means we are at least 50 per cent or more forward in solving the problem. Let’s review what we have established as core coaching skills in Chapter 3. In Figure 4.1 are the top three skills that coaches need to deploy.

NLP as a modality has a whole section dedicated to building rapport and also teaches linguistic skills that contribute to the ability to question, listen and to assist clients in gaining clarity of direction through goal setting. NLP also, however, requires two other important commitments to the coaching process:

• 4: That the client is 100 per cent responsible³ for that outcome; they take responsibility
• 5: Stillness, or presence (from and of the coach)

Clearly, points 4 and 5 are not exactly skill sets, but effective coaching depends on them. The importance of taking responsibility is a double whammy: on the one hand, by taking responsibility the client grows or matures as a person, which means it’s developmental; and, secondly, it prevents any ‘game’ playing that might subvert the coaching process. Not just in coaching, but in advising anyone generally, we probably have all experienced that seemingly ‘hungry’ person who wants our advice and then subsequently and inexplicably does the opposite of what they say they will do or does nothing at all. This game playing is the antithesis of effective coaching, and so the client taking responsibility up front is vital. It also means that denial, projection and blame are all ‘no-no’s in the coaching intervention. The NLP coach then is asking in a gentle manner for complete commitment to the process; after all there is a realisation that it is the client who makes the changes and the NLP coach is merely the facilitator of that change.

Point 5, however, is just as important, yet seemingly not much at all: stillness or presence. It is, perhaps, here that NLP coaching differs most from traditional coaching in that we are working with both the conscious and subconscious minds of our clients. Traditional coaching can get by with, say, a GROW model that simply reviews Goals, Reality, Options and Wrap-Up, but doesn’t necessarily (although a great coach using the model will) go into the subconscious and its own strange and emotional logic.⁴ So NLP deliberately steps into and wants to investigate the subconscious blocks to performance and help the client to overcome those types of blocks.

What, then, is stillness, or presence and how does it help? Stillness is that process by which we become entirely present and in the moment.⁵ We refrain from thinking about the future or the past; and we do this through some meditative practices, all of which have at their root, control of breath and breathing techniques. But, you may well be asking, how does this help the client? You are ‘present’, engaged in some meditation⁶ technique, how is that helpful?

It helps the client in at least three profound ways: first, it extends and deepens the quality of the listening that the coach is able to supply. We said before that listening is an act of love; when the coach is able to centre their self and be entirely present, then listening is qualitatively and quantitatively enhanced. Second, this kind of stillness excludes judgement, which always creates barriers for the client. And third, the coach by stilling their own mind is able to access a profounder level of understanding and response, including the formulation of better questions. We call this in NLP ‘intuitive questioning’, because the questions are not logically worked out and pre-formulated but arise from the very encounter itself. NLP teaches the linguistic skills of being very specific,⁷ yet the ability to be hypnotically vague; and this provides a framework for questioning in the form of a detailed personal history. Here, perhaps, we may note the difference between a relatively new NLP coach who is following a format, and an experienced NLP coach who is practising asking questions intuitively, trusting in their subconscious mind or, to put it another way, trusting presence.

Unsurprisingly, then, intuitive questioning cannot be taught. In a way the role of the NLP coach mirrors the client process: both coach and client are accessing their subconscious in order to find solutions.

Deep wisdom traditions believe that in these moments we are actually tapping into something beyond even our subconscious mind; that we are tapping into the “Collective Unconscious”⁸ or “Universal Mind”. Theologically speaking, this would be equivalent to hearing the voice of God or a god (as the Greeks did in their cult centres). Whatever the terminology or metaphor used, the key point to grasp is that the universal testimony of mankind is that there is a wisdom inherent in altered mind states⁹; for this is essentially what happens when we start to be still and control our breathing.

Quietening the mind, then, is to prepare for a coaching session.

From experience finding a place of stillness and peace of mind whilst coaching is far more important than any other one factor, as it enables our intuitive wisdom to manifest at the appropriate time.

Given this stillness, this preparation for coaching, we realise that we are already at step 1 of the coaching process: building rapport with the client (see Figure 4.2). We are not cluttering their minds with all our busy opinions and judgement calls; instead, we are ready to listen to them and build rapport.

Step 2 in our NLP programme we call Taking a Detailed Personal History. This includes a Motivational Map, so see Chapter 2 for more on relevant questions, but also additional intuitive questioning that arises in the moment.

Once we understand where the client is coming from, what the subconscious blocks are likely to be, then we can move to step 3.

Step 3 is the subconscious intervention to help the client have a self-evident experience of letting go of their subconscious blocks.

Step 4 is converting the understanding into action. In other words, tasking the client to complete a task or take first steps in an area where they are weak, and which builds appropriate confidence there. Clearly, preceding the actual action step is the need to write down the goal underpinning it; so, if we fear speaking in public, then we need a goal to express our intention to overcome it. Notice how in our model the goal setting is relegated to point 4 – it is deferred to allow the subconscious of client and coach to kick in more effectively.

Step 5 is then the positive reinforcement, monitoring of client progress, ongoing tasking and conversational coaching, which reviews and further positively impacts the client’s situation, ‘adversity’, worldview aka ‘beliefs’ (to prevent slippage), and generally supportive moves by the coach. Ultimately, it leads to the celebration of success and achievement – look, so much has been done that before was thought impossible!

Building rapport and the NLP perspective

NLP takes as a given that communication is more than simply the words that we use. Alongside tonality there is volume, pace, pitch, tempo, rhythm – as well as other linguistic features¹¹ – of our speech, and then of course our body language. We have all probably heard at some point in our life that it is not what you say that is important, but how you say it!

‘How’ you say it is all about what is called Non-Verbal Communication (or NVC), which includes tone of voice and body language as two core components of the meaning that we convey to another. One of the weirdest things is when – and this happens frequently – the semantics (the words we use to express meaning) are contradicted by the NVC.¹² One of the key researchers here, Albert Mehrabian,¹³ found that there was a disproportionate influence of NVC to words WHEN the situation was ambiguous. Ambiguous here usually means when someone is under stress, or is conflicted in some way, or does not wish to directly say what they think, for whatever reason. Clearly, too, NVC is more important when people are physically present than when they are over the phone, or communicating through e-mail.

Since work, negotiations, appraisals, tend to involve many ambiguous situations almost by their very nature, then understanding the importance of NVC is critical.

In NLP the focus is on observing changes of state (sensory acuity),¹⁴ so that we can change tack or explore more deeply when we spot or notice a change of state with our client. And NVC is often a truer sign of how we feel than our words. It has two components, body language (which can represent some 55 per cent of our true meaning) and tone of voice (which can represent some 38 per cent). By way of contrast Verbal Communication – the words themselves – the semantics – can sometimes only represent only 7 per cent of what we mean! This, when you think about it, is astonishing (see Figure 4.3).

The body language reflects our intentions, attitudes, feelings; this, in Aristotelian¹⁵ terms, is our ethos (from which we get the word ‘ethics’). Our tone of voice reflects our state of mind and emotions; this, in Aristotelian terms, is our pathos (from which we get the word ‘pathetic’). And words represent our meaning or semantics; this, in Aristotelian terms, is our logos (from which we get the word ‘logical’). A summary is given in Figure 4.4.

We all like to think we are rational beings, but a moment’s thought will, perhaps, persuade us that oftentimes we are influenced more by our emotions, or even more strongly by someone who is extremely ‘credible’ to us. This credibility issue – or ethos (which body language most often reveals) – is a leitmotif running through this book in the sense that what coaching is about is releasing one from erroneous, limiting and injurious self-beliefs that we have acquired throughout our lifetime. But where do the most powerful of these limiting beliefs come from, and why do we accept them? The answer should be clear: they come from our earliest years, and we accept them because the sources of them – our parents, carers and teachers – are massively ‘credible’ people; at least, they are then. So NLP pays attention not only to the words, but the shifts and ‘paralanguage’ that is NVC.

When we consider the most optimum point at which two people are at ease with each other – are communicating in other words wholly, totally, and authentically – then without doubt it is when two people are in love. If we observe people who are romantically connected having a meal out together, then we find – as we do when they dance – that as one person leans forward so the other matches or mirrors their movement; conversely, when people are ‘disconnected’ or disconnecting their body language is mismatched or not mirroring.

Matching and mirroring is the process of adopting the same body language as the person whom you are communicating with. Sometimes this is done purely subconsciously; and it happens most times subconsciously – people get on and unbeknownst to themselves they are matching and mirroring each other’s body language and speech patterns.¹⁶ But in NLP we are seeking to deliberately utilise this phenomenon in order to increase rapport and therefore effective communication.

The aim is not to mirror them immediately, but gradually to adopt some of their forms, so that the process is subtle and non-obvious. Eventually, to be like them, so that they subconsciously feel comfortable with you.

Intuitive questioning and the detailed personal history

One key NLP technique is called the Hierarchy of Ideas.¹⁷ This is useful for improving communication between people with a different preference for detail. The Hierarchy of Ideas (see Figure 4.5) tells us that people range from:

EXTREME BIG PICTURE – being so big picture that often they don’t really know what it is they want; they just have a vague concept, which they will recognise only when they see, hear, sense and experience it. People who are big picture tend to deal with abstract, vague concepts and these traits are more linked to senior management and leadership than they are with technical expertise.

At the other end of the spectrum we have people who are very …

DETAIL ORIENTED – that they almost appear to be talking a different language to us! Have you ever experienced that? Clearly, those at the extreme big picture end of the spectrum are speaking a very different language to those who are very detail oriented.

What the Hierarchy of Ideas does is provide us with a simple linguistic technique that we can use to provide an antidote to the mismatch in level of detail. Communication can then occur at a level of detail that both parties understand; it also helps ensure that both parties have a clear understanding of the correct next steps.

In order to establish the hierarchy of ideas, we ‘chunk’¹⁸ down, or up, questions. Here is an example of chunking down:

Notice how with two chunking down questions we have gone from what we call a ‘presenting’ problem to the real reason that the person is unhappy.

In NLP when a client describes one thing and means another we call that a ‘complex equivalence’¹⁹; and it is surprising how often we do it.

What often appears trivial can be the ‘presenting’ of what is an underlying and serious issue; from a coaching perspective once a client can understand the associations that they are making in their mind, they can often see how irrational they are and how they might address them.

This part of the process is called ‘loosening the client’s model of the world’. It appreciates that people actually project their problems outside of themselves. A key presupposition of NLP is PERCEPTION is PROJECTION²⁰: We impose our beliefs onto the world and attempt to make the world conform to what we believe, rather than adapt our beliefs to what the world is, as it manifests itself to us.²¹

This issue of Hierarchy of Ideas and Chunking is also something that Motivational Maps has an angle on. This can be used as a complementary technique alongside the chunking questions, or an anticipatory view of what is likely to emerge from the questioning. Maps give insight, for they also reveal Learning Styles (see Figure 4.6).

We need to keep in mind that Motivational Maps is polysemous²²; and most people do not have their top three motivators all in one category of R or A or G; they are mixed. And even when they do have them all of one type, that still leaves room for other factors to influence them. That said, however, we can still see how the Maps can help anyone to ‘shift’ their perspective by being able to see their own motivational driver (see Figures 4.7–4.9).

Clients with Relationship type motivators are more likely to have a past tense orientation, especially regarding how things worked before. They will want a strong emotional commitment from the coach, and they are best influenced when propositions are filtered through the mechanisms of stories, examples, descriptions and anecdotes; these open the door, as it were, for them, as they affect their feelings.

But with clients who have Achievement type motivators predominantly, who tend to be in the present tense, and are asking what works now, these are much more detail and analytically oriented. Hence, they want hard data from the coach and they are best influenced when propositions are filtered through the mechanisms of data, statistics, and research; these open the door for them, as they affect their thinking.

Finally, clients with the Growth type motivators predominantly tend to be future tense oriented and like imagining what might work in future; these are much more big picture and vision centred. Imagining their vision and checking in with themselves subconsciously that this feels good! They want to know how what is happening now will link to their ability to actualise their future vision, the correlation which can open the door to their imagination! This begins the process by which they access their intuition, or sense of knowing (what to do next).

The connection, then, with NLP and language is the appropriate use of language to include metaphor and the appropriate shift from detail (A) to big picture (G) and back again.

But let’s look now at another example of this DETAIL TO BIG PICTURE.²³

Sometimes, in a meeting or on a project, the team are working with such detail that other members within the team cannot understand what it is they are saying. This lack of understanding can entirely derail the meeting for the level of detail within the project may not be available yet.

The ability to ask someone what the purpose is can be so powerful in coaching, since for so many it is easy to lose sight of why they are doing what they are doing.

NLP takes the view that subconscious Limiting Beliefs are at the root of poor or non-performance; indeed, of failure itself. Typical limiting beliefs that cause big issues for clients include …

• “I’m not good enough”
• “I don’t deserve to be successful”
• “I don’t deserve big money”
• “I’m not worthy of being loved”

The problem with these beliefs being subconscious is that they are outside of our conscious awareness, so how do we find them? The answer is by a kind of observational logic! The beliefs are causes; but outcomes are symptoms. If we look at the ‘results’ in our life and work backwards, we see what the underlying beliefs must be. And then as we frame them in our minds, we ‘feel’ the truth of it. The coach helps us here by asking good questions that pinpoint these ‘symptoms’.

All results that are disappointing to you will have negative emotions from past events attached to them. Such as:

• ANGER (linked to frustration)
• SADNESS (linked with disappointment)
• FEAR (linked with anxiety)
• HURT (linked with low mood)
• GUILT (linked with regret)

What memories do you have which still hold negative emotions for you? Write them down here and notice the feeling in the body as you do so. If an emotion needs to release itself, then allow it to do so. Many people have been subconsciously putting a lid on their emotions, and this over time is fruitless, as they will at some point come to the boil.

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

In Chapter 2 we looked at the Seven Success Elements of our life. We have extended this model to include typical limiting beliefs in all of the Seven Element categories, and include what antidote or healthier beliefs might prove to be:

By placing awareness on the emotions, notice that one is not the emotion; the disassociation from ourselves means the emotion does not take us over. If for whatever reason it does, then this is a sure sign that more help and support²⁴ are needed.

One key premise from NLP is that your subconscious mind’s primary directive is to protect you! If, therefore, we experience significant negative emotion around an event, or series of events, the subconscious adapts its learnings, beliefs and emotions linked with them to help protect you from it or them. What this means in practical terms is that the mind has a defence mechanism that can shield us from harm; but sometimes this can come at a painful or unacceptable price. For example, we go into denial about pain and certain experiences, and we filter ‘out’ part of reality that we don’t want to accept. This, then, becomes a sort of blind spot in our life; we go on excluding part of our reality, and this can have dangerous, emotional consequences.

One non-therapeutic way of breaking through these negative emotions is an extension of what we talked about earlier with stillness or presence. Bevis noticed, even as he first began practising as an NLP coach, that some clients – extraordinarily – seemed, after they had had a detailed personal history taken and BEFORE any intervention occurred, to be able to heal themselves. It seemed that conscious awareness of the issues, together with courage and acceptance, was enough to heal deeply.

What this constitutes is the idea when we are truly PRESENT IN THE MOMENT no negative emotion can exist, for all our negative emotions only ever live in the past, or in the future (when the mind drifts from the present, creates associations between the past and our expectations about the future). So whilst this is not a book on how to meditate, clearly meditation is important, and Activities 4.1 and 4.2 are the start of becoming centred in the mind. Additionally, Buddhism identifies Five Hindrances²⁵ to meditation, which are worth noting and commenting on. These are Sensual Craving, Ill-will or Hatred, Sloth, Worry, Doubt or Wavering. It is important to recognise these feelings as they arise; for without self-awareness we cannot counter these tendencies in us.

Sensual Craving means I WANT MORE. The false belief is that mere sensory indulgence can extirpate inner pain. If only I had ‘X’ everything would be alright. Examples of sensual craving range from clinical addictions at one extreme down to activities like drinking coffee or retail therapy.

Ill-Will means I REJECT MORE. Mind chooses to focus on negative aspects of a person, object, situation or idea. Ill-will involves the wish to wipe out or be rid of somebody, something, or some idea perceived as preventing one’s happiness or contentment. Ill-will ranges from paranoid states and utter malice down to minor everyday irritations.

Sloth means I DON’T CARE. Mind rejects the present moment by resorting to laziness, indifference, inactivity, sleep and daydreams. The mind wants to be relaxed and comfortable rather than paying attention to the processes it is attempting to undertake.

Worry means I NEED PERFECTION. Here mind is attempting to organise, control, and rehearse the future. The hindrance ranges from blind panic and anxiety states down to obsessive planning at inappropriate times. The mind is ceaselessly restless.

Doubt means I LACK FAITH. Doubt in oneself or in others or in ‘God’. Doubt leads to speculation and questions but no real regard for the answers. Often, ‘always learning but never coming to knowledge of the truth’ is their condition. Questions lead them only to increased confusion.

In our experience the 80/20 Rule (the Pareto Principle) we looked at in Chapter 3 applies here. Most people in other words find that one or two of these hindrances are their particular issue, and account for most of their distraction and inability to remain in the present.

The general rules for overcoming a hindrance are:

1. recognise it to be a hindrance;
2. accept and experience the hindrance next time it occurs; don’t struggle, but note its effect on your mental state and the feeling within the body;
3. experience the ‘negative’ aspects of the hindrance and choose a different response.

Thus, increasing self-awareness is at the heart of our ability to grow, learn and transform.

Finally, it wouldn’t be right to leave NLP without attempting to define it, which many NLP Practitioners, Master Practitioners and Trainers often still struggle with, so let’s leave you with some simple guidance and Bevis’s favourite descriptions of NLP:

In short, NLP is an instruction manual for the mind! NLP helps you to both consciously and subconsciously focus on the outcome you want!

Summary

1. The four pillars of NLP are clarity and congruency of goals, sensory acuity, behavioural flexibility, and the ability to build strong relationships.
2. NLP assists coaching through enhancing rapport, the ability to ask intuitive questions and help the client to achieve clarity of direction.
3. The skill of the NLP coach is to gain control over their state, or the ability to be still with their clients, which enhances intuition and the ability to access unconscious resources.
4. NLP coaching involves five key steps: building rapport, taking a detailed personal history, assisting the client in overcoming subconscious blocks, the setting of action steps and tasks, and then positive re-enforcement and confidence building.
5. Face to face body language and tone of voice can be more important than the actual words you use when influencing.
6. Superior rapport can be achieved through matching and mirroring body language, tonality and the type of language your client is using.
7. In organisations each individual will have a different level of comfort with detail, and many misunderstandings stem from these preferences for different levels of detail.
8. Subconscious limiting beliefs play a large part in our ability to succeed or fail; and the subconscious mind’s prime directive is to protect us. Often emotional blocks, including Fear, Anger, Sadness, Hurt or Guilt, are our subconscious mind trying to protect us from emotional pain linked to a past event or trauma.
9. Understanding the Five Buddhist Hindrances can help overcome negative mental states.