By adopting skillful questioning techniques and styles a mediator can encourage parties to do the following things:
- Challenge assumptions that they have made, in particular about the other person's intentions. This is very common in practice; we are all guilty of making assumptions about others, but we can never really know what their intention is. Examples of assumptions that I come across are that one party is deliberately trying to cause harm to the other, that one party is being manipulative, that they dislike the other person, that they do not believe in the other's capability to carry out the role, and so on. In many cases, these assumptions prove to be wrong and if not, it is still important to get the issues really out there and on the table for discussion.
- Think "outside the box" by opening up the parties to different ways of thinking about the issues, the other person's motives, or how things might be resolved. This is similar to challenging assumptions but will also include questions designed to facilitate problem solving.
- Think about how life can change in the future, for example, what life would be like if the conflict were resolved. By the time parties are involved in mediation, they are likely to have been stuck in the conflict for some time and this will impair their ability to see a way out. Understand that they can take charge of their own behavior and that they do have control over the outcome. Often parties will say that things will only change if the other party changes and that moving forward or not is all down to the other person, not them. In practice, resolution will only be sustainable if both parties accept that they have contributed in some way and also have a responsibility to change too.
- Focus on the future and potential solutions. Questions about what may happen if there is no agreement tends to focus the parties' minds as they will often realize that the alternatives to trying to find a resolution are far worse.
- Understand the other person's point of view. Often, the parties have come to their point of view on the basis of incomplete information. A good example is that they have only heard half the story with other information being filled in from their own imagination or based on what others have told them, the result being that the message has been lost in translation. This may arise, for example, when a manager has information not available to other employees due to issues of confidentiality or they have simply not thought to pass on other information when they are busy doing their day job. Questions that allow the parties to explain their positions and fill in the gaps can do a lot to clarify their position and promote better understanding.
There are many different styles of questioning but generally as a mediator, you need to ask open and probing questions designed to get people thinking. This will include questions starting with "why,"" how," "what," or "can you explain?" A good way of thinking about this is to question people in such a way that you remain continually curious. Similarly, you should try to avoid asking too many closed questions that will elicit a yes or a no answer.
There are no hard and fast rules; each situation will be different and with practice, you will develop your own questioning style. However, here are some examples of questions that may be useful.
These are questions designed to draw out information and to get people talking and settled. Open questions are particularly useful in the early stages of mediation as a means to encourage dialogue and clarification of the issues or parties' positions. They can also be used if you sense that a party is reticent in providing detail or is holding back. Some of these questions are as follows:
- Could you tell me about the concerns that brought you here today?
- Can you explain what has been happening?
- Can you provide me with some background?
- What is your view of the situation?
These are questions designed to dig a bit deeper, to obtain further detail, explanation, or clarification. They can prompt parties to think more deeply about the issues and concerns and provide further information for clarification.
The information provided in response to these questions may in themselves provide clarification and understanding, particularly where there has been some misinformation and rumors and the parties have not been communicating directly. Some of these questions are as follows:
- Can you give me an example?
- Can you tell me more about …….?
- Can you explain….?
- Can you help me understand why ……….?
- Can you describe what happened when…….?
- What do you think causes...?
- Why is ... happening?
These are questions designed to understand and identify what is underneath the issues and the parties' positions, that is, what is really important to the person. Often this is referred to as identifying the "needs and interests" of the person, which often relate to such issues as job security, need for respect, trust, recognition, saving face, and control. These questions can dispel assumptions that parties have come to regarding the other's intentions, which may lead to them understanding that there is no ill motive where they thought there was. Some of these questions are as follows:
- Why are you saying that?
- What is important to you in this?
- I can see that you are clearly upset/angry about ……. can you explain why this is important to you?
- Why? (keep asking it—you'll never get past a few times)
- If you could have X, what benefit would it bring to you?
- What do you fear might happen?
- What concerns you most?
- What effect does this situation/other person have on you?
These questions are designed to encourage the parties to consider alternative explanations for the other's actions or behavior, challenge their own assumptions, and consider other options to resolve matters. Some of these questions are as follows:
- What other explanation could there be for X?
- You seem to be assuming...?
- What are the consequences of that assumption?
- What do you fear might happen?
- How do you know this?
- What alternative ways of looking at this are there?
- What is it that they don't understand about your situation?
- How could you look at this another way?
- How might X be looking at things?
These are questions designed to ensure that the agreement reached resolves all the issues, is workable, and is fully acceptable to both parties. These questions ensure that any agreement is sustainable and that agreement has not been concluded before both parties are ready or in full agreement. In practice, one party may feel that they should agree because the other is ready to do so when they themselves are not ready. Some of these questions are as follows:
- Is there any part of this that you are uneasy with? If so, what and why?
- Can you live with this every day?
- What concerns remain?