It is often said that the words we speak only account for a small percentage of what we communicate. Important aspects of what we communicate are tone of voice and non-verbal communication and this becomes even more important when the words spoken are at variance with body language. It is therefore vital that a mediator is alert to the non-verbal signals and takes into account this important element of what is being communicated.
I am sure that everyone can relate to situations where the words spoken by someone are totally at odds with their body language or tone of voice, for example, when someone says "yes" but their body language shows that what they really mean is very clearly "no." Examples that I have come across are where facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language (crossed arms, hunched shoulders) and lack of eye contact suggested hurt, anger, and lack of belief in what was being said, namely, that they were in disagreement to what was being proposed.
Where this is the case, it is important to establish what is going on underneath the words. If you feel that there is a variance between what one person is saying and the non-verbal communication, then the best advice is to ask for clarification. For example, pose a question such as "My observation is that whilst you have said "yes" you have not really accepted what X has said, can you clarify that for me?". Also as a mediator, you need to be aware of your own non-verbal communication and ensure that this does not indicate a lack of interest, understanding, or impartiality. The best way to do this is to deeply listen, suspend any judgment, and maintain neutrality (see the upcoming section). If you fail to do so, this will eventually leak out in your non-verbal communication, and if you feel that this might be happening, take a break.
Non-verbal communication includes the following:
Here is an exercise that you can do in order to practice your listening skills:
The following checklist is useful as a guideline on what to look for to demonstrate that a person is listening deeply and effectively:
List
Appeared to be involved: Good body language, eye contact, focused on the speaker
List
Listened with empathy: Gave appropriate verbal or nonverbal responses
List
Checked understanding: Asked questions for clarification
List
Demonstrated listening: Made comments/gestures to show listening
List
Understood correctly: Articulated what the speaker was thinking and feeling
List
Could repeat accurately what the speaker said
Make a note
Comments/observations
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________