INTRODUCTION

Reinventing Masculinity

“I hope to figure out why I am so unhappy.”

These were the words spoken by John as he began a counseling session with coauthor Ed Adams.

The two talked further, and John rounded up the usual suspects of a less-than-satisfying life. He spoke about his work. Despite having risen through the corporate ranks to a high-paying position, John felt insecure about his job performance. He said his marriage was “going stale.” And that he’d turned to other women for pleasure and company. He also mentioned that he had no “close” friends and frequently felt alone.

John often drank to ease all those pains. Still, he was insightful, thoughtful, and articulate—and seemed very motivated to find more fulfillment.

What was at the root of his unhappiness?

We believe it had much to do with narrow beliefs about what it means to be a man.

John didn’t make this connection between his problems and male gender roles. Nor do many men who experience similar feelings of loneliness and, what’s more, the fear of being discovered as not “enough” of a man.

But the truth is that John and a multitude of other men are caught in the grip of what we call “confined masculinity.” Confined masculinity is a cramped, outdated, and increasingly dangerous version of manhood. It limits and hurts men as individuals—in our family and friend circles, in our organizations, and in our global society. In fact, we go so far as to say the fate of the human race could hinge on the ability of men and women to reimagine gender roles better suited for the twenty-first century. If so, then it’s up to men to reimagine masculine ideology.

The stakes are high—but the news is good. Men across the globe are bravely redefining masculinity, breaking free of obsolete expectations and embracing an expansive, compassionate, connected, soulful manhood that works for all. But before we learn more about those pioneers, let’s map the traditional male territory they are moving beyond. Let’s outline confined masculinity.

Confined Masculinity

“Confined masculinity” refers to a set of attitudes, values, and behaviors that define how men “should” show up in the world. It is a constrained conception of masculinity, one in which men tend to define themselves as playing just a few dominant roles—the protector, the provider, and the conqueror. The “confined” nature of this masculinity also applies to how, where, and for whom they play these roles. “Confined men” almost exclusively see themselves as being in competition with others. They believe they need to demonstrate physical courage and project confidence—however false. They also concentrate attention on exterior markers—such as physical strength, financial success, and social status. Less attention is paid to interior matters, like emotion and spirit. As for the “for whom” portion of this, confined men tend to restrict their efforts as protectors, providers, and conquerors to serve a relatively tight circle: themselves, their immediate families, and a limited number of others.

Confined masculinity focuses on a man’s separateness more than on his sense of belonging. For example, many confined men believe they should keep emotions to themselves, be self-sufficient, and show no vulnerability. Confined masculinity also has a fundamentally fearful outlook, a mindset of scarcity and ever-present danger. Confined masculinity effectively puts men in a defensive crouch, ready to snarl at perceived threats, predisposed to lash out and stuck with a distorted view of their surroundings

The tendency toward isolation and suspicion leads men, on the one hand, to become self-absorbed. Yet it also conditions them to band together against people defined as “other”— creating racial, religious, or economic divides—and at times explode with anger, aggression, and even violence.

Confined men are often hyper-competitive. Many demean women and people who don’t fit standard sexual norms. Their sense of self-worth tends to depend on their victories—which often come at the expense of others.

Confined masculinity maps to rigid, traditional notions of what a “real” man is supposed to be: the stoic warrior and patriarch. This conception of manhood has dominated much of human culture for several thousand years. But, as we will see later in the book, that concept is neither preordained nor biologically determined. Gender roles—the ways people of different sexes express their identities—have proven to be remarkably fluid across the history of our species. They have changed in response to a variety of factors, including shifts in our economy, our beliefs, and our culture.

Confined Masculinity and the Twenty-First Century

Gender roles are changing again today. The shifts underway have much to do with the shortcomings of confined masculinity that are becoming ever-more apparent. The confined male code of behavior isn’t just insufficient for men’s success individually or collectively, it’s also measurably harmful. It isn’t a masculinity that works for the twenty-first century.

Most men get this. In a 2018 poll conducted by media organization FiveThirtyEight, 60 percent of men surveyed said society puts pressure on men to behave in a way that is unhealthy or bad.¹ Indeed, ample evidence now demonstrates that confined masculinity contributes to depression, suicide, and violence in men.² Men account for 78 percent of suicides in the United States and three in ten American men have suffered from depression.³

In effect, a confined masculinity limits a man’s ability to live a large, full life. Both the compressed definition and truncated expression of men’s roles make it hard for a man to integrate foundational aspects of his own humanity, including his need to belong and his instinct to care for others. Confined masculinity shrinks his imagination of himself and others—while also curbing his ability both to have healthy relationships with family members and to develop and maintain meaningful friendships.

Similarly, confined masculinity no longer works at work. Most companies feature hierarchical structures and impersonal practices that mimic traditional masculine values. But this approach is proving to be incompatible with our increasingly complex, globally integrated economy and with growing attention to the well-being of people and planet. Stressful, toxic workplaces contribute to some 120,000 premature deaths a year, and the average company operates at just a fraction of its potential to innovate and grow.⁴ More and more companies have been recognizing these problems. And they have been changing in ways that challenge confined men. Organizations increasingly expect leaders and other employees to demonstrate traits like empathy, curiosity, and collaboration. These are nearly the opposite characteristics of a confined masculinity.

Finally, a confined male consciousness—with its truncated imagination and myopic perspective along with its embrace of hyper-individualism, pecking orders, and physical aggression—is fueling some of the biggest problems we face today as a global society. These include deepening economic inequality and insecurity, racism and the rise of violent white nationalism, objectification and abuse of women, and homophobia.⁵ Confined masculinity’s failure to view the world in a systemic way interferes with our ability to anticipate and respond to pandemics and other large-scale health issues. What’s more, this limited male ethos contributes to what is arguably the greatest peril confronting humanity: the global climate crisis. In fact, many confined men deny that climate change is real, much less a threat.

To be sure, confined masculinity has benefited some men a great deal and has fueled many achievements in human history. But it has also treated many men as disposable weapons and worker ants, sending them off to war and soul-killing workplaces and depriving them of their dignity and value as whole human beings. Altogether, the confined male ethos has trapped us in self-destructive patterns that threaten the survival of life on earth.

What is required is a reinvention and a reimaging of masculinity. We need a masculinity that reframes traditional masculine traits such as strength, valor, and courage. We need a masculinity that applies virtuous values more universally, and that incorporates an elevated consciousness about the interconnectedness of all people, of all life. This is a shift in consciousness from an orientation of “me” to one of “me and we”—a perspective that acknowledges the importance of others in our thoughts, words, and deeds.

That is, we need a masculinity that includes worthy elements of the past while also stretching beyond old limits to meet our new realities. The realities of the twenty-first century include the rise of sexual and racial justice, the movement to create parity in all facets of life. Humanity also faces increased complexity in arenas ranging from technology to commerce to society. What’s more, we confront a heightened risk of planetary disaster—be that a deadly pandemic, nuclear conflict, or climate catastrophe.

What’s needed, in other words, is a masculinity that is comfortable with and respectful of more assertive and autonomous women. A masculinity comfortable with men expressing tenderness and care—qualities that have long been labeled “feminine” but that actually are deeply human. A masculinity capable of both seeing a wider societal perspective and acquiring the skills to comprehend and navigate today’s complexity. A masculinity willing to recognize the interconnections of all people and cultures as well as our environment. A masculinity willing to engage with global problems with urgency, compassion, and creativity.

Enter Liberating Masculinity

Thankfully, such a manhood is emerging. On the opposite end of the spectrum from confined masculinity is what we call “liberating masculinity.” With “liberating” we refer to two meanings. The first is the sense that men are freed to live bigger, fuller, more imaginative lives. The second is that this is a masculinity that involves freeing others. As such, it is an emancipation that works both inwardly and outwardly. It is about freedom for an individual man as well as that man liberating others.

Liberating masculinity is a version of masculinity that releases men from the limiting, damaging, counterproductive bonds of traditional views of manhood. It enables men to embody many archetypal roles, extending beyond the conventional provider and protector roles to others such as healer, artist, lover, and spiritual seeker. A man operating from liberating masculinity also has a broader understanding of how to perform his multiple roles.

For example, he sees himself as a defender of psychological safety in his home and work settings. He takes a stand against the bullying and humiliations that damage both kids and colleagues, knowing that emotional harm can scar families as well as lower the bottom line for businesses. A man embracing liberating masculinity does not view himself as the center of things, but rather as part of the whole. He cares about all human beings and all life on earth.

Liberating masculinity includes valor, strength, and achievement—some of the same aspects celebrated in the traditional view of masculinity. But in a reinvented, liberating masculinity, these traits are transformed. Instead of the self-absorption found in confined masculinity, a liberating man recognizes the impact of his actions or inactions on others. He therefore applies his courage, might, and perseverance in service to others. In this way, liberating masculinity is a virtuous masculinity.

Liberating masculinity manages fear differently than confined masculinity does. The liberating man doesn’t deny or run from fears but moves toward them. He develops the ability to self-regulate anxiety, anger, and other emotions. While a confined man crouches fearfully, the liberating man stands tall and spreads his arms wide. He is unafraid to embrace life and capable of seeing the world around him clearly.

The liberating man has fears, including self-doubt. And he is not naïve—but neither is he fear-driven. Instead, he demonstrates the courage to deal with reality just as it is, and he approaches the world with a mindset of abundance and appreciation. He possesses a fundamental acceptance of both his imperfect self and the foibles of others. He accepts the joys and disappointments of life without rigid attachment to either one.

A deep sense of trust informs another key feature of liberating masculinity. If confined masculinity tends to cultivate close-minded fighters, liberating masculinity produces open-hearted friends. The liberating man prioritizes harmonious relationships by choosing to live in peace with other peoples and with nature.

Compassion and Connection

This focus on relationships is seen in two key ingredients of liberating masculinity: compassion and connection. The compassion element begins with self-compassion, with the ability and willingness to acknowledge, accept, and experience emotions like sadness, anger, joy, disappointment, guilt, and wonder. Men tend to be very hard on themselves, and often judge themselves harshly when they think they’re not living up to social conceptions of who they should be. A lack of self-compassion leads to feelings of shame—which in turn make it harder for men to demonstrate compassion for others. But self-compassion inspires men to address their own suffering, such as by making difficult-but-necessary decisions, asking for help, and forgiving themselves when they make mistakes.

“Compassion” means, literally, to feel with others. To experience the distress of another and act to alleviate or end that distress. Through compassion, the liberating man helps himself and others find purpose, peace, and genuine satisfaction.

Compassion toward others is closely linked to forming connections with others, and to understanding our interdependence. Connection takes many forms. It can range from intimate romantic love to devoted fathering to deep “philia” or brotherly love. It can be expressed by participating in an organized cause or in local, state, and federal governance. Connection recognizes our common humanity with peoples across the globe and a sense of unity with and responsibility to all life.

Perhaps this description of a liberating masculinity seems like a moonshot—an idealistic image of manhood that could never take root in the hearts of men.

But liberating masculinity is taking root. Men, and women, all around the world are participating in a quiet and often private revolution concerning masculinity. You’re likely one of them.

Most men know something is wrong with many of the rules we’ve absorbed since childhood. And men today are rewriting the rules of manhood. Not surprisingly, many of the masculinity rebels are young. They include David Hogg, one of the survivors of the Parkland, Florida, high school shooting massacre, who has continued to speak out against gun violence. Other men breaking the man-mold are older, prominent, public leaders in various fields. Men like Steve Kerr, who coached the Golden State Warriors professional basketball team to several championships based on values that included mindfulness, compassion, and joy. Or Chuck Robbins, CEO of giant technology company Cisco Systems, who was inspired by a dream to tap his organization’s significant resources to help solve the problem of homelessness. (We’ll say more about these last two later on.)

Many others moving toward a liberating masculinity are everyday men living everyday lives. They are questioning confined masculinity, uncomfortable with its combative ethos, aware of its increasing ineffectiveness, or suffering from its strictures. They are men like John, with whom we began this chapter. Depressed and hurting, he opened up in his therapy sessions. John admitted he felt vulnerable in doing so. But he said that therapy would only be helpful if he took a risk and “let my truth out.”

And he went further. He agreed to participate in a men’s group Ed Adams founded, Men Mentoring Men (M3). M3 is a male-friendly not-for-profit organization designed for men to gather and discuss life. M3 has one rule: “no man shames another.” In M3 meetings, John discovered that many of the feelings that he’d assumed were abnormal—his work anxiety, his loneliness, his sense that his marriage was a failure, even his need for love—were far from unusual. Other men described the same or similar emotions. John not only found reassurance in the stories of other men, he also found himself supporting and mentoring peers within his group.

John’s decision to seek counseling and join a men’s group represented an act of courage. It represented defiance of the traditional views that see weakness in acknowledging emotional pain, seeking help, and comforting others. Such views are off-base and obsolete. In the world that is emerging, the qualities of compassion and self-compassion, of empathy and connection, are proving to be freeing, powerful, and necessary.

The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection

Consider the effect of a liberating masculinity on Jerry, another of Ed Adam’s former patients. For decades, Jerry worked for a large insurance firm and defined himself primarily as a breadwinner for his family. He hung out with the guys at work, but the relationships were superficial and steered clear of “heavy” topics. When work stresses—including pressure to cut corners—piled up, Jerry reached a breaking point. That’s when he sought counseling with Ed.

“I realized I had no interior life,” Jerry says in retrospect. He hadn’t realized how restricted his existence was as a typical “company man.”

Jerry stuck with his therapy sessions and began participating in M3. Gradually, he shed the shackles of confined masculinity. He came to see that he needed to leave his harmful workplace and follow his own path—by becoming a personal fitness trainer. Today, at age eighty, he is going strong as a personal trainer. He’s also among the leaders of M3, and one of the staunchest advocates of shattering the cage created by the rules of confined masculinity.

“I struggled to leave the security of that job, but now I’m convinced that doing so saved my life,” Jerry says. “Along the way, I deepened my relationship with my wife and kids. I may not be as dollar rich as I would be if I stayed at it longer, but I sure feel wealthy.”

Jerry demonstrates how liberating men are free to live richer, fuller lives. His story shows the way men can enjoy healthier, stronger bonds with their spouses, children, and friends once they move toward an expanding version of manhood. Of course, liberating masculinity doesn’t erase challenges in a man’s life and social circles. But it does equip him with more tools, a bigger perspective, and a greater desire to create harmony in his personal relationships. He is more capable of integrating work, love, and play—and experiences greater satisfaction as a result. So not only is a liberating man more emotionally intelligent, his view of himself and others becomes an expanding universe of possibilities.

Liberating masculinity also applies to organizations, institutions, and beyond. Many companies are beginning to understand the pitfalls of maintaining a business model that mirrors confined masculinity. Alternatives to a top-down command structure are needed in a globally interconnected, fast-paced, volatile environment. “Soft skills” like cooperation, communication, and empathy, as well as generosity itself, are surfacing as critical to success. So is curiosity. Learning and growing are vital and require vulnerability. They require the courage to admit not knowing all the answers, as well as a willingness to wonder and ask essential questions. Men who are cold, rigid, and isolated—that is to say, confined men— are less and less effective in organizations that are calling for warmth, flexibility, and connection.

A liberating masculinity also enables men to help solve the pressing problems confronting our communities and our planet. Unfettered by selfish, clannish, and myopic views, the liberating man applies a global perspective when considering challenges such as racial animosity, war, poverty, and the climate crisis. He can see other perspectives and propose creative solutions to generate a healthier, kinder, and more peaceful and prosperous world.

The Five Cs

Compassion and connection are central to liberating masculinity. They also are part of a larger recipe for reinventing masculinity. How do you move from a confined to a liberating masculinity? We believe there are five crucial ingredients, or practices, that we call the Five Cs: curiosity, courage, compassion, connection, and commitment.

Here’s what we mean by each “C.”

CURIOSITY is asking questions and wondering— especially about whether there’s more to life, and if there’s a better way than the traditional, confined man-rules allow.

COURAGE is challenging the subjective fears and social constraints that prevent us from expressing our multiple dimensions as men.

COMPASSION is opening ourselves to the suffering and disappointment within ourselves and others.

CONNECTION is noticing the interdependence of living systems and cultivating healthier bonds with people and the planet.

COMMITMENT is persisting in the work to expand gender roles in favor of a liberating, powerful masculinity that works for all.

The Five Cs reflect the fact that there are multiple entry points for a man to begin reinventing his masculinity. A confined man, for example, may find his heart is touched by the story of someone’s suffering, and decide that equating tenderness with weakness makes little sense. That incident could prompt him to feel greater connection—as well as newfound courage to face down fears associated with confined masculinity, including anxiety around appearing “feminine,” “inadequate,” or not “man enough.” Imagine how that changed perspective could improve his relationships.

As this example suggests, the Five Cs interact with each other. They also are recurring and cyclical. Men reinventing their masculinity will continue to improve these five practices. Liberating masculinity means moving through all Five Cs again and again, developing an ever-freer, ever-more expansive, ever-more virtuous male ethos.

A Conscious, Soulful Reinvention of Masculinity

Even as a reinvented masculinity is about deepening the Five Cs, it reflects a higher consciousness. Liberating masculinity represents a way of thinking about the world often called a “systemic” or “integral” mindset.⁶ Confined masculinity limits the ability to see the interconnections among human beings. Confined men tend to think in binary ways, as though a strong warrior couldn’t also be a vulnerable lover, or as if a member of a particular country doesn’t also belong to the whole human race.

Liberating masculinity reflects an elevated consciousness that enables a wider worldview. It can effectively navigate greater complexity in our organizations and society. It doesn’t get boxed in by black-and-white choices. By seeing more shades of gray—while retaining a moral compass—liberating masculinity enables greater creativity and innovative problem solving.

A higher consciousness helps men in down-to-earth dilemmas, both at work and at home. It also allows men to be comfortable with matters of spirit and soul. Confined men often reject or fumble around nonvisible realities—things like love, tenderness, and spiritual or mystical truths. These kinds of realities constitute the poetry of life and account for much of the joy and deeper meaning we seek. Liberating men acknowledge, accept, and embrace these mysteries. Liberating masculinity opens the door to a healing of the soul.

Many men and women will dismiss talk of a more soulful masculinity. In general, there is great resistance today to a liberating, expansive version of manhood. Much of that resistance reflects a simplistic and unexamined attitude—a refusal to mature our masculinity.

In effect, we’re in a period of great confusion and gender chaos. Even as growing numbers of people are expanding traditional gender definitions to include transgender or nonbinary identities, other men and women are doubling down on conventional stereotypes and demanding conformity. Many others are puzzled about the emerging, more complicated gender landscape. But it just may be that the confusion and turmoil are necessary to usher in a new paradigm or mythos about men and masculinity.

The fierce attacks on a liberating masculinity are nonetheless painful—for the men taking initial, cautious, and sometimes bold steps in that direction; for advocates of the transition; for our society as a whole. Consider them growing pains, part of a broader process in which human beings are moving from an adolescent consciousness to a more advanced one.

Reading Reinventing Masculinity

We intend this book to be both a guide for minimizing those growing pains and a map for the reinvention of masculinity. We believe it can serve individual men who are struggling to make sense of how to be a good man, spouse, and father. We want all men—and women—regardless of sexual orientation, race, education, or economic status to experience a liberating life. At the same time, we believe the book can aid business leaders as they try to help their organizations thrive by helping employees—especially male employees—become more authentic, inclusive, and effective. We also hope Reinventing Masculinity brings a focus to global debates about how men can show up in the world—and that it creates greater consciousness in elected officials, community leaders, and men and women across the globe.

We believe this book is best read from beginning to end. But you are invited to jump to the chapters that pique your interest immediately. The first two chapters describe confined masculinity and liberating masculinity. Chapter three examines the Five Cs in detail. The next two chapters explore the liberating power of compassion and connection in particular. Chapter six dives into how masculinity is being reinvented at work, and chapter seven explores the role of soul in liberating masculinity. We conclude by encouraging men and women to reimagine gender roles and join the movement to reinvent masculinity.

At the close of most chapters we provide practice exercises. Building on the Five Cs, these activities are designed to help men move toward liberating masculinity.

John, Reinvented

John is among the men committed to a liberating masculinity.

As you may recall, John was unhappy but eager to change. John’s solution to a listless, limited life was to seek counsel, explore and identify his emotions, develop a meaningful support system, and find the courage to make difficult course corrections.

He stopped drinking and began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He also weaned himself off the frequent sexual trysts that he eventually found to be a hollow fix rather than a source of lasting fulfillment. He reached out and rediscovered a male friendship that he had “allowed to disappear.” And he became a member of M3, regularly attending twice-monthly gatherings of about a dozen men.

Put simply, John worked to break free of old habits and extend himself. He became at once more introspective and more connected to others beyond himself. And as his life began to feel bigger, his work productivity grew while his job stresses shrank.

In his conversations with Ed Adams, John talked about how he’d come to see these internal and external expansions as vital to sustainable, deep satisfaction. Ed suggested a mantra for these efforts: “protect happy.” This idea represented a very different kind of “protecting” than John had been familiar with—simply keeping himself and his wife physically and financially safe. That confined identity hadn’t required much of him. But it had led to stagnation and sorrow.

“It’s miserable but easy to be depressed,” John told Ed. “Now, I can’t imagine not protecting happy.”

This is not to say John lived happily ever after. Not long after he joined M3, John and his wife split up. Their relationship had withered beyond repair, and John suffered during and after the divorce.

Yet he didn’t suffer alone.

The friendship he’d rekindled and the men of M3 provided realistic support that boosted his spirits.

And as painful as that episode was, John had no regrets with his path overall. He was glad to have begun the lifelong process of shedding the shell of a confined masculinity. He was glad to have reinvented his understanding of manhood. And glad to have chosen a liberating masculinity—one that freed him to feel more alive.

“I figure everything that happened had to happen the way it did,” he said. “Because now I am very grateful for how my life is unfolding.”

THINGS TO PONDER AND DO

CURIOSITY: Have you felt constrained by traditional notions of manhood? If so, how? Are you open to shifting your beliefs and behaviors as a man? Why or why not?

COURAGE: Look in a mirror and talk to yourself about ways you may have harmed yourself or others based on confined views of masculinity.

COMPASSION: Can you say kind words to a man you know who may be stuck in fear or destructive patterns?

CONNECTION: Can you initiate a conversation or exchange with someone in your personal life or work to build a deeper relationship with them than you’ve had up to now?

COMMITMENT: What is a change in your daily routine that would breathe life into your masculine soul? Can you commit to making that change for a week?

Locked Inside