PREFACE
This book is an act of hope and love. We believe men matter, and matter a lot. While this might seem obvious, it’s important to examine and update how our culture directs men to develop and mature, cultivate loving relationships, express intimacy, succeed at work, and contribute to our communities. These actions touch everyone and everything that exists.
In other words, how we define masculinity is a fundamental element of our cultural life. We wrote this book to take a good look at the models of masculinity that consciously and unconsciously—often invisibly—influence all of us.
We found both bad and good news. First the bad news: the approach to manhood that dominates our culture is unhealthy, outdated, and dangerous.
The good news is that men are reinventing masculinity— or aspire to reinvent masculinity—in ways that make sense for our times, enable men to thrive, and offer hope for a better future for all of us.
This book is an attempt to support the shift from a confined masculinity to one that is liberating. To a masculinity that frees both men and women from oppressive limitations and to live more expansive, compassionate, and connected lives.
Two Eds Are Better Than One
The two of us came together to tell this story in a way neither of us could do on our own. Here’s what we each brought to the project.
DR. ED ADAMS is a licensed psychologist in private practice. He is also past president of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinities, also known as Division 51 of the American Psychological Association (APA). In 2015, this division awarded Ed the Practitioner of the Year Award. For over thirty years, Ed has treated men in individual and group therapy. In 1990, Ed founded Men Mentoring Men (M3), a nonprofit organization in New Jersey designed to help men live larger and more meaningful lives as expressions of the “best of masculinity.” Ed has facilitated growth in many men from the inside out through thousands of psychotherapy sessions, men’s group meetings, and retreats.
Ed’s experience as a psychologist and men’s group leader has made him no stranger to the joys and sorrows men often experience but seldom share. Moreover, his personal experiences as a boy and man, including coping with a loving yet alcoholic father suffering from PTSD after long service in World War II, heightened his sensitivity to the complexity and challenges of the male experience. These experiences—of being a husband to a loving and supportive wife, of being a proud father of a thoughtful and caring son—have humbled, educated, and strengthened him. Ed’s personal and professional life experiences have fortified his commitment to share what he has learned through this book.
Ed also has been at the center of a masculinity firestorm in the media. As past president of Division 51, Ed was one of the spokesmen for the APA’s new guidelines for treating men and boys. These guidelines were the product of four decades of research. Yet they immediately sparked controversy in the media when they were made public in early 2019. Conservative commentators blasted the research, which found that rigid adherence to traditional masculinity traits like aggression, dominance, and stoicism tend to be unhealthy—for men as well as for those in their lives. Ed explained the meaning of the guidelines on the Good Morning America TV show with host Michael Strahan. He also appeared on NPR, as well as on conservative pundit Laura Ingraham’s Fox News program, among many other media appearances.1
Ed Adams is also a professional artist—painter, sculptor, and poet—who for twenty-five years owned an art gallery showcasing his paintings and sculptures. Two of Ed’s public sculptures honor ordinary men who during the Second World War showed extraordinary courage, connection, and compassion. Ed’s monumental sculpture in Smith Field Park in Parsippany, New Jersey, honors Raoul Wallenberg, who is credited with saving over 100,000 lives. And Ed’s bust of Oskar Schindler, who prevented the certain death of 1,200 Jews, now occupies a place of honor in the office of Steven Spielberg, director of the movie Schindler’s List. Both Wallenberg and Schindler were men who exemplified the best of masculinity while thrust amid the worst of humanity.
Since we feel this book should reflect the diversity and fullness of the masculinity we espouse, Ed’s paintings, vignettes, and poetry are integrated into the content of this book.
ED FRAUENHEIM is an author who has written about business, leadership, and society for more than two decades. Ed currently serves as senior director of content at Great Place to Work, the research and advisory company best known for producing the annual Fortune 100 Best Companies to Work for in America list. Ed also cofounded the Teal Team, a small organization dedicated to helping organizations evolve into more democratic, purpose-driven, soulful places.
Before these roles, Ed spent twenty years as a journalist and commentator focused on the intersection of work, technology, and business strategy. He has cowritten three books, including A Great Place to Work for All: Better for Business, Better for People, Better for the World?.1 That 2018 book included Great Place to Work’s research on 10,000 managers and 75,000 employees. Ed and his coauthors discovered that the most inclusive and effective leaders—dubbed “For All Leaders”—have traits such as humility, curiosity, a focus on purpose, and the ability to cultivate trusting relationships.
Through that research and other articles and reports, Ed’s work has explored the way our more complex, interconnected economy and global society are calling on men to break free of the narrow version of masculinity most of us grew up with. While a culture war rages in the mass media over what it means to be a man, Ed has contributed to a quieter though nonetheless vibrant conversation in the world of work and organizations. He has observed a growing consensus in the business world: it no longer works to be autocratic, cutthroat, or emotionally unavailable. Ed has sought to connect the dots, to bridge these conversations to show that a different masculinity works at work today.
Ed Frauenheim also brings a lifelong struggle with “man-rules” to this book. Be strong? Ed grew up skinny. Dominate others? He lost his one fist fight in sixth grade. Just win, baby? He often froze during key moments of hockey, basketball, and soccer games.3 The traditional male obsessions with winning, with brute strength, with becoming king of the corporate hill have haunted Ed for much of his life. But through personal reflection, mindful practices, and plenty of help, he has come to redefine traits like emotional sensitivity, exuberance, and camaraderie as worthy. He is living a fuller life as a result, and feels like a better husband to his wife and father to his son and daughter.
Who Should Read This Book?
We wrote Reinventing Masculinity with several audiences in mind. The first is individual men seeking guidance on becoming a better man and living a better life. We imagine women seeking to better understand men’s needs will find the book valuable as well. It should also prove useful to mental health professionals and therapists treating men in individual and couples counseling. We also expect it will serve teachers and coaches—whether they be athletic, life, or business coaches.
We wrote Reinventing Masculinity with organizations in mind as well. We believe it can help business leaders cultivate more effective, inclusive, and soulful cultures. In a similar vein, we are hopeful the book will contribute insights to academic courses in fields ranging from gender studies to psychology to management.
Finally, we believe the book will be useful and inspiring to men’s groups akin to Ed Adams’s M3 groups as well as therapy or treatment groups. To help groups get the most out of reading the book together, we’ve included a Discussion Guide at the end of the book.
We also created a Reinventing Masculinity Self-Assessment—you will find it after the Discussion Guide. By answering the assessment’s ten questions, any man can get a rough sense of where he sits on a continuum. On one extreme is what we call “confined masculinity,” and on the other is “liberating masculinity.” This tool is designed to help men locate where they are in their journey toward a freer, bigger, better life.
Gender Bending and Mending
We are hopeful that our book will be meaningful to the majority of men. That’s because the up-to-now dominant, confined masculinity we describe has influence over all men, regardless of how they define their identities or practice their sexuality. Still, we want to acknowledge that our message is directed primarily to a particular audience. We are speaking for the most part about, and to, heterosexual men. In addition, the cramped masculinity we describe in the book tends to be felt most acutely by men who came of age in the twentieth century—Baby Boomers, members of Generation X, and older Millennials. What’s more, our stories and suggestions are geared toward “cisgender” men. That is, men who identify with the gender of their biological sex—as male rather than as female or nonbinary.
The very terms “cisgender” and “nonbinary” may be unfamiliar and even disturbing to many men who grew up with constrained views regarding the identities available to human beings. Those constrained views are at the heart of this book. As authors, we hope to help mend wounds that have resulted from fearful, intolerant ideas about gender roles—by which we mean the many social and cultural ways people of either sex express themselves. Not only do we honor the diversity of gender identities, we also appreciate the way masculinity is flavored by a variety of factors, including race, national origin, socio-economic status, and religion.
We’d like to add that—as two white, middle-class, middle-aged, heterosexual American men—we know our ability to comprehend the experiences of the entirety of men, not to mention women, is imperfect. But at the same time, we believe there is value in the two of us drawing from our experience, our expertise, and our empathy to share what we’ve learned. We’ve come to know a lot about stereotypic masculinity, and we see signs that even younger men and people who are adopting alternative genders find themselves damaged by that traditional, still-potent masculine ideology.
We hope this book highlights the ways that central beliefs about masculinity have shaped people’s lives, how those core assumptions are hurting us, and how a better, liberating version of manhood is emerging. What’s more, we see this reinvented masculinity as being built on universal principles. Compassion and connection are fundamental human attributes. As we see it, all people—and all living creatures— will benefit when we embrace those virtues.
High Stakes and Active Imaginations
Our intention is to advance and contribute to public and personal narratives about men and masculinity. We want to “stir the pot,” to critically examine the expectations we place on boys and men, as well as to offer expanded possibilities and alternatives. We do this because the stakes are high. We see the reinvention of masculinity as crucial to the fate of life itself. This was clearly demonstrated by the COVID-19 pandemic that swept across the globe just as we completed our book manuscript. The worldwide crisis left no doubt that humanity’s physical and emotional health depends upon a recognition of our interwoven connections, as well as our ability to demonstrate self-compassion and compassion for others.
To put it bluntly: disconnected and non-compassionate men who espouse hate, shame, and violence are toxic. Men who are indifferent, lazy, and easily swayed by mean-spirited ideas can be downright dangerous. And men unwilling to cooperate or solve problems together stand in the way of progress. We believe the cramped, antiquated model of masculinity that leads to toxic, dangerous, and inflexible behavior must be challenged by the majority of men who live caring, loving, and productive lives. We can no longer be silent, we can no longer expect women to carry our emotional burdens, and we can no longer assume that good conquers evil.
We intend this book to offer positive alternatives to the male toolbox. We also ask both men and women to enter this dialogue. It’s clear that no real change in our ideas of manhood can occur or be sustained without the support of women. Men and women need only one goal in common to motivate cooperation between us—the desire to create a kinder, more harmonious, more socially just, and peaceful world. True peace begins within every individual’s heart and mind. We’re talking about cooperation between the sexes that leads to such a peace, rather than a mere cease fire.
From our different experiences and paths, the two of us Eds have arrived at the same conclusion. A masculinity adapted to the times in which we live requires two things above all else: first, that compassion become a prized masculine trait; and second, that men rediscover connections with all of life. We will illustrate these themes throughout the book with examples and anecdotes. All the stories are fundamentally true. In many cases, the stories include people’s actual names. Other times, we have changed names and altered some details to protect people’s identities.
Finally, a word about imagination. If we couldn’t imagine flying in the air like a migrating bird, manned flight would not be possible. All of the engineering, trials and errors and hours of focused work built the first airplane. But that was possible, first and foremost, because it existed in imagination.
This book provides practical information for breaking free from an obsolete way of being a man and for moving to a healthier, powerful, and expansive masculinity. But the book will be most effective when you engage your imagination— when you consider how masculinity can be reinvented in your personal life, in your place of work, in your community, and in our world. Thank you for imagining along with us.
A New Day