7 Honoring the Soul of Men

EDWARD M. ADAMS

Throughout our discussion of men and masculinities, we often refer to the idea of soul. Our concept of soul is nonreligious. It often walks the edge between visible and invisible realities. It’s a nebulous and multilayered concept that begs to be defined and explained. Yet, this creates a conundrum. Once we attempt to define soul, it leaves the world of imagination and is relocated in the domain of cognition. Soul then becomes an object rather than an experience.

Soul is an unseen reality revealed through the full range of human experiences such as awe, wonder, suffering, and confusion. It attends to what “lies beneath the surface” of our experiences.¹ Soul exists when we do our most rational thinking, as well as when we entertain the dark, secret meanderings of our complex and sometimes-twisted minds.

Soul thrives inside the mysteries of life. It wants to wonder and dive into feelings and experiences rather than understand and catalog them. Like night dreams, soul evokes images without constraints. In a dream we can fly or explore phenomena without attention to any particular time or place. We may become sexually aroused, scared out of our wits, or inspired in unexplained ways. Upon awakening, where do these images and experiences go? They are transformed into foggy, elusive impressions that leave only the telltale footprints of the presence of soul.

When a man lovingly watches his son or daughter in a school play or soccer game, something deep inside his soul is fed. When a man tends to his dying parent, his soul is on full alert. When a man admits deep affection for another man or woman, his soul dances. Yet, paradoxically, soul is also revealed when a man acts out of lust, jealousy, or rage. James Hillman, a “father” of archetypal psychology, championed the need for psychology to return to the needs of soul. Hillman maintained that the soul is ignored when we become simplistic, materialistic, and literal. He urged us to listen to soul and be respectful of what soul reveals to us about the depth and complexity of the human experience. A key concept of archetypal psychology is to “stay in the image”—that is, stay in and listen to imagination. “The gift of an image is that it provides a place to watch your soul.”²

Soul is always present within us and around us. When a man holds a vision of masculinities without antiquated constraints, he is living a soulful manhood. Media talk of “toxic masculinity” and the “right way to be a man” diminishes the soul of masculinity. Defining “appropriate” masculine gender roles dishonors the soul of men. Masculinity remains in crisis because the soul of manhood suffers from inattention, neglect, and disrespect. The journey from confined masculinity to liberating masculinity returns possibilities into soul. A reinvented masculinity releases the soul of men from the restriction and tyranny of literalism back into the world of the archetypal. It places soul within the myth, mystery, and magic of life.

In therapy, men and women often complain of anxiety, fear, avoidance, depression, anger, violence, loneliness, and self-absorption. Popular psychology and self-help gurus offer ways to fix these complaints. Yet it is a delusion to believe we can live a life of unabated peace and comfort. This misconception often separates a man from his own soul and is likely to even worsen his symptoms. That’s because suffering is a part of life; life brings suffering along for the ride. And during those tough times the depth of our humanity is exposed. We must listen with an open heart to all of its convoluted revelations. What we hear may include our soul telling us that compassion and self-compassion are the means to soothe and cope with the suffering in our life, and that a higher purpose and an engaged connection with the world as it is can enliven our joys.

When we are fortunate enough to experience periods of delight and tranquility, consider it an influence of the soul— but know that that’s not the only place where the soul lives. Soul lives in the muck of life as well as in the delight. It’s as comfortable in the presence of awe and wonder as it is in fear and horror. Soul is present as life reveals itself in every breathing moment.

The word “psychology” originated from the Greek word “psyche”; “psychology” literally means “study of the soul.” Since every man develops a “personal psychology” or “philosophy” of life, every man possesses his own personal soul or inner truths. And so, every man has the responsibility to nurture his soul with trust, wonder, and wisdom. This personal soul experience is intimately connected to the “anima mundi,” or soul of the world. That is why our actions or inactions ripple through all of life.

Liberating masculinity honors the soul of men. It welcomes curiosity, diversity, and ambiguity. Liberating masculinity prefers creativity and abhors rigid dogma. It flourishes by being wide open to life and celebrates improvisation. And as a man’s notions of masculinity mature, so does his soul. An expanding man understands the absurdities of life, while also holding the intention to fully embrace it. He is able to venture vertically into the depths of his life, and sink into questions that may cause confusion as well as enlightenment. For example, a man may question the value of his daily job. He may become aware of his longing for intimacy and love, or he may yearn for novelty and adventure. He rejects simplistic dichotomous thinking like good/bad, right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, and heaven/hell. He appreciates the twists and turns of life, its complexity and all its shades of gray.

A soulful man understands the value of generosity and love. His self-awareness and intentions link him to his family, friends, community, country, humanity in general, and the environment. He appreciates that his life is a mystery, and that his life matters—his intention matters, and his actions have consequences. His soul grows deep down into the roots of existence with every predictable and unpredictable life experience. A soulful man looks into his shadow self with respect for the power it holds. Then, his response to this power shapes his core values and constructs his essential character.

In these ways, a soulful, liberating man is a man with greater awareness and more expansive possibilities. He becomes increasingly conscious of the interconnectedness of all of life and of the way unseen realities are unfolding in the universe and within himself. This elevated awareness, sometimes called an integral consciousness, is critical today.³ In our increasingly complex, interdependent world, men need a more mature, soul-friendly mindset—not just in order to flourish as individuals, but also for our species and planet to thrive.

In liberating masculinity, a man comes to see that soul exists in everything. This includes both the animate and inanimate world, because everything participates in our imagination. Picture visiting the Grand Canyon. At first sight, you may experience the profound, and be filled with a sense of awe at the majesty of nature. In that moment, the presence of the sacred is revealed. It humbles us as much as it inspires. We glimpse the eternal contained in the slow forces of nature. The meaning of clock time becomes irrelevant when witnessing the enduring magnificence of nature.

Why is the soul of men important? What relevance and impact does soul have upon the current state of manhood? How is the soul of men honored?

These are vital and legitimate questions. We can’t think of a way to reimagine masculinity without pleading that we all pay attention to the soul of masculinity. Without attention to the soul and how it expresses itself, we merely go through the motions of life as though pursuing a multitude of false gods. For example, overly strict interpretations of the male protector and provider roles leave no room for soul to expand. Even the most successful provider can feel empty and devoid of purpose. Since soul is involved in the full spectrum of life, a weakened soul will appear as empty feelings, and will urge isolation from others. Inattention to soul leads to feeling depressed, uninspired, and bored. Imagine eating a superb meal with no taste buds to inform you of the pleasures that could be experienced with each bite.

Unfortunately, any void within our soul is vulnerable to seductive ways to fill the empty feelings. A neglected soul can be attracted to hate, misogyny, prejudice, violence, and social division. A wounded or abandoned soul may try to find solace by overworking, or by spending endless hours devoted to soul-numbing, mindless distractions like computer games or shallow entertainment. Men who overindulge in pornography, drugs, and alcohol often are pleading for purpose and human connection. Men who live lives centered on making money or gaining status long to be validated, to feel that they matter. The pull toward external things that hold no intrinsic value can be psychologically bewitching—especially in a world that is often alienating, highly complex, and increasingly virtual.

A soulful masculinity grows as men move deeper into liberating masculinity. Men who are self-aware and give full honor to their many archetypal dimensions see the world holistically through three distinct yet integrated lenses.

The PRAGMATIC LENS resides in our bodies and minds. This lens enables a man to see the material realities of life. This visible reality is required to survive, thrive, and get on with the business of living.

The COMPASSIONATE AND CONNECTED LENS lives in the poetry of our hearts. It generates a worldview of interconnectedness and interdependence. This lens notices nonvisible realities that give meaning to our relationships, such as love, generosity, kindness, authenticity, and feelings. You can’t purchase these experiences in any store or find them online.

The LENS OF THE SOUL resides in imagination. Our imagination generates our overall worldview. It gives us the liberty to engage life with wisdom or irrationality. Soul wants to learn and experience rather than to judge. The lens of the soul offers a vision of the world where aesthetics matter, because beauty and strong emotion feed the soul. It may be the beauty of a painting, the beauty of your child snuggled safely in your arms. On the darker side, soul is awed by the overpowering forces of nature, or by coming to terms with a life-threatening diagnosis. Joyful and difficult times bring attention to the fact that something deeply important is happening.

The integration of these three lenses represents the soulful change men hunger for in life—to live in all three realms. Men have a genuine desire to be free of restrictions and to see life through each of these lenses. Confined masculinity tends to emphasize the pragmatic lens. It imprisons the lens of imagination with rigid rules and dogmatic beliefs, and rejects the compassion and connection lens as being too “feminine.”

In effect, confined masculinity has cast out the feminine aspect of soul and spirit—whereas all healthy human souls harmonize the masculine with the feminine. Scholar Matthew Fox laments the way the “Divine Feminine” has been banished, thanks to patriarchy’s rise thousands of years ago: “The male soul has been profoundly wounded by this history—as has the female soul. Today, the stakes for finding a Sacred Marriage of the Divine Feminine and Sacred Masculine have never been higher. Our survival hangs in the balance.”⁴

But it’s not just the survival of our species—and all life on earth—that’s at stake. It’s also the quality of life of each individual man and woman. When the soulful lens is ignored, men pursue hollow goals; they pursue the dust of “nothingness.” This creates further alienation, and a sickness that no medicine can cure. For example, a patient of mine was diagnosed with a medical heart problem. During one of our therapy sessions, this man said, “Doc, if you can help me heal my soul, my heart will take care of itself.”

The crisis within the soul of men injects its harm into relationships, families, communities, politics, popular culture, and our treatment of the earth. At the same time, the impact of men who are conscious of soul provides hope and opportunity for redemption within all spheres of life. Redemptive acts occur at both the micro and macro levels. They can be a simple act of kindness toward one individual or an elaborate corporate philosophy that positively affects millions of people. For example, consider the following:

Every time a man provides food and emotional support for his family, his soul is fed.

Every time a man connects with someone who is lonely, he taps into the soul of compassion.

Every time a man encourages rather than shames another person, he intensifies the beauty of soul.

Every time a man attends his child’s school function despite being exhausted, he is creating a soulful memory.

Every time we bury someone we love, the pain of loss reveals the soul’s need for connection.

Every time a business chooses to pay higher wages to employees rather than fatten executive bonuses, soul is stirred.

Every time our organizations and institutions increase equality and protect the dignity of all men and women, soul and compassion are evoked.

Every time countries take direct action to protect the environment, the soul of the world is nurtured and honored.

When I am doing therapy with individual men or men in groups, or when Ed Frauenheim is working with organizations, we know we can develop strategies that help relieve emotional symptoms or increase productivity and morale. But too often those interventions will not succeed if the soul of the men or the organization is ignored.

Here is an example. When a married couple comes to their first session, the relationship has typically been in distress for quite some time. This couple may describe how they built a life together, parented children, and found satisfaction in their work. But they feel distant, angry, disappointed, and miserable with each other. The word “divorce” has been used and has certainly been thought about. Given that they have good children, money, and property, what can be wrong?

It doesn’t take long to uncover the truth. The soul of the marriage went into hiding. It was nearly abandoned, seldom tended to by either party. The relationship has all the tinsel and trimmings but little depth and substance. Substance is created by tending to the soul of the marriage. Attending to the soul of the marriage is like applying emotional epoxy that binds and strengthens two individual parts into a loving whole. The task of therapy is focused on creating enough emotional security between the couple so the soul that fled from fear, neglect, and abuse feels safe to return and participate fully in the life of the relationship.

We know, and we think you know, that the imagination of manhood requires reinvention. We know that masculinities with soul are truly connected to the world even as men struggle with life’s absurdities and contradictions. A soulful masculinity possesses the courage to expand and the commitment to make everyday life more alive for all of us. It’s a soul that graces the world with kindness, respect, and equanimity.

Likewise, some institutions and organizations are evolving to possess, protect, and nurture soul. Liberating men—in partnership with women—are rethinking the ways we work so as to move away from machine-like cultures that kill the human spirit. The organizations that are emerging from their efforts are great cause for hope, as we saw in the preceding chapter. By putting purpose first, sharing power, and paying attention to people’s holistic needs, these emerging organizations are proving to be more agile, productive, and financially sustainable—even as they elevate the soul.

Reimagining masculinity is a human cause that transcends gender. Unless and until men honor soul, soul will dishonor men. Solutions to our complex social issues will be superficial, and the soul of the world will darken. Tending to the sacredness of soul will usher in a paradigm shift that allows us to see beyond ourselves and move us toward what is urgently needed—a soulful and liberating masculinity.

THINGS TO PONDER AND DO

CURIOSITY: The soul thrives in wonder and inquisitiveness. Can you identify three life experiences that “touched your soul”? What accounts for the depths of those memories?

COURAGE: If you follow the trail of your fantasies, where does it take you? What is being revealed to you that may feel uncomfortable?

COMPASSION: Instead of judgment, can you find compassion for someone who emotionally or physically injured you? What can you learn from this experience?

CONNECTION: Look at the objects around you. Pick one that has deep significance, and write a short poem or story to capture what it means to you and why.

COMMITMENT: Resolve to step out of literalism and stay in wonder. Allow imagination to take you on a magic carpet ride that reveals what you really want, need, and feel.

Hope Ascends