So what about when things just fly at you like a bolt from the blue and you’re in an emotionally charged place before you know it? Here are some quick-fire tips and tricks of how to handle those difficult moments when the emotion has already kicked in.
Getting past the fear
Most of us feel fear but what is the fear about really? There is a saying that there is nothing to fear but fear itself and it is true. What we are afraid may happen usually doesn’t. When we are afraid to stand up for ourselves, speak our minds or just simply say no for once, our deepest fears tend to kick in.
What may be surprising is that all human beings, without very much exception, share the same fears: of being seen as not fitting in; of being seen as ‘different’ and therefore ‘not normal’; of creating conflict; and of not being liked or accepted. We all have a fundamental need to belong to something or someone.
So the question is this: are we actually simply scared of being alone? If we were alone we would fit in because we would be fitting in with ourselves and we would trust and therefore be ‘at one’ with all of our thoughts and instincts. Yet put any other person into the equation and we start to adapt ourselves. This behaviour is, of course, the essential social conditioning needed to live the civilised life we have today, but it can be useful in your mind to simply take away other people and ask yourself, ‘If I were alone, how would I respond to this?’ Then see how different your actual response is. Therein lies the clue and hopefully the courage to move past the fear, which is simply an unfounded one.
If you’re still unsure then just trust me on this one until you experience it for yourself.
When you just feel you can’t
This one happens to all of us. We can be clear as crystal in our heads about what we want to say or do, we may even have gone over it a couple of times to our imaginary recipient, but come that moment and you are paralysed.
The best thing to do then is name it (i.e. ‘I did have some things I wanted to say about my involvement in Project F but I’m not comfortable expressing them at this moment. I will email them once I am back at my desk and then we can talk about it later on.’)
Say it as it is
Take a deep breath and simply say it as it is for you. Actually the main thing here is the breath – not a big breath in before you speak, but actually a big breath out and then a little one in so that you have a voice. That’s all.
Recovering from the wrong-footing
When someone astounds you with what they say or do then the only thing to remember here is to take a small (emphasis on small) step forward towards them. It needn’t even be a detectable step, just something that makes you feel like you actually and metaphorically have your balance in any given context. Keep moving forward remember?
The bounce effect
Imagine you are in a situation where someone says something like, ‘You’re just so difficult to deal with’, or some other thing that can feel like a personal attack, then visualise that, like a little rubber ball, it bounces off you before the remark can penetrate through and that it lands on the floor in front of you. Then you can see it objectively for what it actually is. This is a comment that you can reflect back as a question. For example, ‘What is it that you find difficult about my behaviour?’ By keeping the issue objective you can start to unpick what really is the issue without the discussion becoming tit for tat.
By keeping the objectivity as much as possible it allows you to assess what needs to be said or done. Without it having impacted you before you have time to realise it and creating a habitual, but not necessarily helpful, response, there is a chance to intervene and break what may well be a non-productive habit.
The shared issue
If you start to feel the conversation is getting personal, stop and envisage everything you are both saying as things going on a table that is between you. The words don’t live in you personally, nor the other person. They are shared issues that need addressing. By visualising the table between you with the issues upon it, it is easier to stay objective and communicate with each other on a more neutral and less emotionally charged level.
Being shouted at
When someone raises their voice, try to understand why in your head. They are usually not raising their voice because they are attacking you personally, they are raising it because something has affected them. It is an emotional response they are having to one of their own values being compromised or ‘stepped on.’ By giving someone the space to yell and envisaging it not being able to penetrate you (the bouncing ball is a useful image to use here) then it is easier to deal with their emotion.
It is very important not to be passive while doing this, but to remain attentive to what the other person is saying through actively listening to their point of view. If this point of view feels blaming or unfair then remember that it is just their choice of words that are affecting you and try to wait for your turn to speak without interrupting. Imagine they are holding the Stephen Covey Talking Stick if it helps. You can put over your point of view when they have said what they need to say. Once the other person has got what they need to out into the open then they will be in a much better position to listen to how it is for you.
This technique also goes hand-in-hand with the ‘shared issue’ image. If someone is allowed to get it all ‘off their chest’ before you engage with the issue then it is easier to resolve. By not engaging with any sort of ‘fight’ in terms of counteracting defensively (shouting back or interrupting, for example), the other party has no option but to calm down because they are not being given another set of horns to metaphorically lock against.
Saying yes without saying yes
If you normally say yes to the same thing or person time and time again, start saying yes to only one element of their request and then give it back to them or pass it on to somebody else. Manage expectations by vocalising your intentions beforehand.
Getting straight to the point
If you need to make a request for something, the best way is to just ask for it.
It may be that you need help with a particular piece of work. In which case, asking in as few words as possible, without justification or explanation, will certainly be the most clear and useful way to do it. ‘I would like someone to help me with this piece of work. Could you recommend someone to me please?’
The fears around getting straight to the point
When we first begin to exercise our assertiveness it can feel a little scary and we do tend to worry about the effects it will have on others. Some of the less helpful myths around getting straight to the point might be:
- You will upset people with your directness.
- You will look self-centred.
- People won’t like you.
- You will appear hard-nosed.
- You will be perceived as full of yourself.
The plus sides of getting straight to the point
There are, of course, far more positive reasons for getting straight to the point:
- It is quick.
- It is clear.
- It moves things forward quickly.
- Other people understand exactly what it is you would like.
- There is no resentment build-up.
- Others respect your honesty.
- It builds trust and good rapport.
The reality of it all
In actual fact, if we do not get straight to the point we risk several things happening:
- People get irritated because they end up spending time and energy second-guessing what it is that you want to know/ask for.
- If you do not ask you add to the hindrance of something getting resolved.
- If you hesitate and put it off the issue can become bigger in your mind than in reality and so harder to deal with.
- You may seem oversensitive and insecure so people avoid approaching you.
- It can simply be irritating.
To illustrate the point, imagine you have been asked to present an award at the company’s summer party and you feel very uncomfortable doing it.
If you were to answer in the following manner then imagine the effect it would have:
‘I would really love to do it and I’m really touched that you’re asking me but I am not sure whether I can actually make that date because I do have a lot on and I do need to check with my partner to see if they can manage the childcare that evening . . .’
Now consider this option:
‘It is so kind of you to ask. But I’m afraid I won’t say yes because I’m too nervous presenting in public.’
Which would you prefer to be on the receiving end of? What would be your impression of the person delivering the second option to you as opposed to the first?
Taking time out
When you feel that a situation needs some head space, take it rather than ask for it. Communicate that’s what you will be doing. Tell people you will be taking a couple of minutes/hours/days/weeks to make a decision and don’t be bullied into doing something quicker than you are comfortable with.
The same is true with turning off phones or limiting time with emails. If someone emails you at 2am and you respond straight away, the likelihood is that it won’t be long before this just becomes expected behaviour.
Turn your email device off when you’re asleep. Respond when it is convenient for you to respond. (NB I once worked with a woman who felt so pressurised into answering emails as they came in from her boss that she was answering emails while driving on the motorway! This is definitely not advisable for so many reasons.)
Holidays and any time you make for you are also key in this section. Think about the last time you took yourself away for a short break or even off for a half-hour back massage. Most people can come up with a whole load of excuses as to why they don’t have the time or resources to do this but that is all they are – excuses!
Don’t have the money? Go to a college where there are students studying beauty and they need people to practise on for just a few pounds. A hot bath doesn’t cost much either. Or a long walk somewhere green.
Don’t have the childcare? Find something relaxing you can do together, like a walk in the park, or ask a friend if they could take your little one for half an hour while you have a long bath or have a cat nap. Buy a running buggy (second hand) and take them with you for a run.
Don’t have the time? Make it! Remember, you are in charge here.
Saying what you want without apology
As we have already identified, the word ‘sorry’ tends to sneak into our day-to-day vocabulary whenever we feel remotely uneasy about a situation. The word ‘sorry’ can really dip your own confidence as well as others’ confidence in you. It certainly puts you in a weaker position in life. It certainly puts you on the back foot. So what else can be said or done?
Here are a few alternatives:
‘Okay’
‘Hmm’
‘Perhaps’
‘I see’
These alternatives can take a bit of practice if the word ‘sorry’ is a familiar habit of yours. It is worth pursuing though because the absence of the word can make a very different impact on others and can make you feel in a much stronger position. That stronger position definitely equals confidence and assertiveness.
Have a play with this one, see which alternatives suit you and your individual communication style and see what the different impacts of using these alternatives can be.
When compromise isn’t an option
There will be times when a win-win isn’t an option and you need to stand your ground. It can be hard and people can snap into overly assertive behaviour because of the more difficult internal feelings going on. Things such as fear of conflict or upsetting others can become issues we internally try to push down, which ironically makes them an issue and can create an inner stress.
In situations such as these, keep the ‘issue’ sitting between you as an image. State what needs to happen as simply as possible and say very little. If there is some push back simply listen to what the other person has to say. Then repeat back what needs to happen from your point of view. If it is non-negotiable or there is no room for compromise you need to vocalise this calmly and respectfully while still being clear.
Handling direct criticism and negativity
If someone will not take on board what you are saying and uses criticism and negativity as a way to start conflict, rather than deal with the current situation, the most important thing is to remain calm. Remember that everyone is stuck in their personal patterns of behaviour and they may not be conscious that they are doing this. Where the assertive behaviour comes in from you is to actively break the negative cycle.
Agreement and positivity
So, for example, if a colleague says to you, ‘You always make really stupid mistakes,’ then the thing to do is to take what they say and turn it into a positive (remember the t’ai chi from earlier?). So you might calmly reply back, ‘Yes, I do sometimes make mistakes in my work, I’m only human.’ If it is your natural style to be light-hearted or humorous then add this into the mix too.
By using agreement and accepting what they say to a point, as well as taking the opportunity to create some positive energy, you are actively removing any opportunity for fight or conflict.
Turning a negative statement into a question
This is something to try when you are feeling particularly confident or on top of a situation. If someone comes at you with criticism or ‘attack’, see if you can go towards the point they are making rather than backing away from it. I mean this in a metaphorical sense rather than literally!
So, for example, if a manager says something like, ‘You just don’t seem to be grasping what is required of you here!’, then a useful response would be to calmly ask a question in order to unlock the statement. The question in this example might be something like, ‘What is it exactly that you require of me that I am not grasping?’
If you then follow this question with calm eye contact and a pause, the other person has no option but to clarify what they mean. In doing so this exchange will become a far more adult-to-adult conversation and the situation will move forward because you will gain more insight into what has been the misunderstanding or underlying issue.
The fogging technique
This technique is very useful if you cannot find anything that you can agree with or unlock in terms of what another person might be saying to you. This involves agreeing that what the other person is suggesting could be true but keeping the language such that you do not directly accept that it is true of you or of this particular situation.
An example of this might be, ‘You can be very difficult to approach sometimes’, to which you could respond along the lines of, ‘I’m sure everyone has moments where they might be less approachable than other times.’ By making this statement general you are also helping the other person to perceive the bigger picture of any given situation.
Using repetition
If someone is blocking what you are saying, talking over the top of you or they have taken the defensive position, calm repetition of what you need to say can be the best way forward. This technique both helps you to stay objective to the situation and also sends the message that you are not going to be emotionally manipulated.
For example, ‘I am not prepared to discuss this grievance any further without an HR person in the room,’ might need to be repeated calmly several times, but eventually it will create the effect you want because nobody will be able to move forward until that person is actually in the room.
When you really can’t help out
This can be tricky as it often feels internally like you are being difficult, but the most assertive way forward is to be clear, constructive and concise. There are a few choices you have:
- Keeping it simple:
‘I won’t be able to take on that piece of work because I don’t have the time.’ - Making an offer:
‘I won’t be able to take on that piece of work because I don’t have the time. How about we ask someone else in the team if they can help out?’ - Agreeing in part:
‘I won’t be able to take on that piece of work because I don’t have the time. But I do agree that it needs somebody else on board with it.’
Handling resistance
Even when you are on your own quest to become more assertive, it doesn’t necessarily mean that those around you will simply ‘fall into line’ along the way. Some people will go through their entire lives without being in that productive flexible mid-ground that you have started to identify so well with. This being the case, it is useful to see what options you have.
Do you recall the age-old proverb, ‘You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’? This is exactly what we are referring to here.
If someone falls more into the resisting/aggressive category it can be very difficult to try and get them to listen to what you want to say. Some of the less assertive people in your world may disengage completely from discussions or not say anything and some people who find assertiveness difficult to deal with may just refuse to discuss any issues at all. Your ability to remain calm and keep the big picture in mind is absolutely the thing that will get you through any of these situations.
It’s useful to see these conversations in the context of an agenda (even if you are not dealing with each other in the context of an actual professional meeting). This has the benefit of you being able to keep in mind the important points or issues that need to be addressed.
Of course, this takes some forward planning and it may well be worth taking notes into the situation – these will help to keep you on track should you begin to feel frustrated or emotionally pulled into the other person’s communication difficulties.
An example of how the ‘meeting’ agenda might look
- Define the objective of the conversation and vocally express that you would like a mutually beneficial outcome (and stick to that!).
- Stay positive, open and receptive.
- Listen to the other person’s point of view before expressing your own.
- Be open to exploring a range of ideas and options together.
- Be sure to reach a compromise before you close the conversation.
- Ensure that any risks or concerns are identified in the context of planning strategically for all eventualities (i.e. keep the language and framing positive).
- Ensure you are not fully giving in to the other person – aim for the equal see-saw effect that we identified in Part 1 of this book.
Holding your nerve
This can be a little mantra all on its own. When you need to start to shift your assertiveness level either up or down then consciously say to yourself in your head, ‘Hold your nerve!’ This can be all you need to give you the courage to make that small shift into a more useful territory of communication, whatever situation you might be in.
- Fear is an illusion, it is not founded in reality, and the things we tend to fear rarely ever come true; and even if they do we are well equipped to deal with things, we just forget to believe that we are – believe it!
- If you have nothing to say then tell people that, rather than actually saying nothing
- Keep the ‘issue’ between you rather than either party picking it up and making it personal; by being objective about an issue and not taking it personally it is far easier to move forward productively
- Stop talking and park your point of view – simply listen to the other person as you cannot even begin to understand how things are for someone else if you do not listen to what they are saying; there is always plenty of time to put your own viewpoint across, it isn’t a race
- Take the time you need to consider a matter and give an answer you are happy to give rather than leaping in and regretting it later on
- Don’t say the word ‘sorry’ unless you have actually done something wrong and you seriously regret it; the word is over-used and it dramatically weakens your point of view