When we aren’t as assertive as we would like to be, and we push down those uneasy feelings that result from that, it is only a matter of time before we ‘blow.’ This usually leads to over-assertive behaviour, which can be just as debilitating as being under-assertive.
So now we scoot right across to the farthest point on the spectrum (or rather off it) and explore the place where we push back too much, the place where we are overly assertive, the place where we might blow our tops and lose control. This is the place where we speak too forcefully, it is the place where we might lose our tempers, lose the plot, see red, flip our lids and other such phrases.
It is the place where we are driven mainly by our egos, and our usual rationale can fly off the radar before we have time to catch it. Then we have to do a lot of caretaking to make things alright again once things have calmed back down, which can be utterly exhausting.
It sounds like such an easy thing to do – to rise above things – but in real life it is of course far less easy . . . as illustrated by some of the examples over the page.
Over-assertiveness when presenting
Picture this: a room full of about 200 people sipping coffees and orange juices, some nibbling on Danish pastries, eagerly awaiting an inspiring presentation about how to Manage Your Team in a Recession.
The man, Mike, steps in front of the audience. He is confident and looking very dapper indeed in his tailored suit. Everyone feels confident that he can hold the room and he does at the beginning. It has started well . . .
Then Mike suddenly seems to flip into arrogance. This arrogance appears to have been kicked off by a left-of-field question from a woman in the front row of the audience. ‘So what is the quickest solution?’, she asks simply. He replies with a scoff followed quickly by, ‘Didn’t you just hear what we were talking about? The main thing we need to do in this recession is spend time on teams. If your attention is on the quickest thing then you’re hurtling towards disaster. That’s all I have to say about that! So back to the point I was making . . .’
The room suddenly becomes tense. In some respects it’s a relief to hear a presenter get straight to the point with a question, and with such honesty too. But something is amiss. It feels too harsh, too rude, just a little bit too much honesty. It’s probably teetering into the over-assertive edge of the spectrum, where behaviour feels more fixed and certainly less generous.
In fact, the behaviour that has just been displayed is entirely about what is going on for Mike, rather than being coupled with what might be going on for the questioner. And that’s what makes it feel amiss.
Why?
Think back to The Graves Value Model in the previous chapter (see p. 72) and it backs up our assertiveness theory – that if we don’t strive for the flexible middle ground, the see-saw balance between human beings, we can end up very stuck at one end not knowing quite how to re-establish the balance.
After the presentation I ask Mike how it all went for him. ‘Well it was fine up until the woman in the front row asked that stupid question. Then it all went downhill.’ This is a classic response. It feels like the whole downfall of his presentation was due to her. And in some respects it was. If it hadn’t been for her question then the well-established flow would have carried on right until the end.
But of course life isn’t like that, and in particular presentations are not like that. The unexpected can always happen and regularly does. The downfall is down to the presenter.
If Mike had chosen just a slightly different response then the presentation would not have gone downhill at all. That’s the thing with over-assertiveness. It feels like we were forced into our response and it is all the fault or consequence of somebody else. It feels like we have no choice and it feels like our emotional response takes over, dragging us with it like an over-excited puppy on a lead.
We end up ‘pinging’, and it does feel like a sudden ping, into over-assertiveness because it feels like we have no choice in that particular moment – either in terms of the responses we can have or the situations we are in. Sometimes it can be both.
In the case of this particular presentation, Mike did confess that he didn’t like questions while he was on his train of thought. He was afraid that he might lose the thread and that caused him to be a little on-edge. He had perfected the art of an exterior calmness but deep down he was dreading the moment that question flew at him from out of the blue.
Doing it differently
So is there anything Mike could have done differently in order to feel better about his handling of the question and therefore take care of the audience and how they were feeling within all of this?
Well, firstly, if you do have those areas where you struggle then begin to explore some of the possibilities around the responses available.
The second thing to do is try to allow for the unexpected to happen. This allows flexibility. If you aim for perfection when presenting then perfection is less likely to happen than if you aim for imperfection.
And in Mike’s case he could have simply started the presentation by making it clear that he would take any questions at the end, which would have avoided the whole situation.
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‘If you hold on to the handle’, she said, ‘it’s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it’s more fun if you just let the wind carry you.’ |
| Brian Andreas, writer and painter |
That quote is great advice for life and it’s great advice for a presentation, because through letting go of being ‘in control’ you allow anything to happen and therefore the flexible middle ground that ensues enables an appropriately assertive presence.
If you know you are entering a situation where your defences may be tested, try thinking through some solutions in advance. Using the example above, here’s how Mike could have prepared himself better:
James had been single for about six months. His last relationship hadn’t ended too well and he had been enjoying some time on his own before he decided to ‘get back in the game’, as it were. After about a month on a couple of internet dating sites he came across Sarah, whom he thought was gorgeous. So, after a bit of flirtatious emailing and texting, they decided to meet up and see how it all went.
Before they met, though, there were a few things that were concerning James. Firstly, Sarah was sending lots of texts with xxx’s at the end. ‘That’s all very nice’, he was thinking, ‘but we haven’t actually met each other yet.’ After about five of these texts he thought it best to manage Sarah’s expectations a little better.
So James sent her a text saying, ‘I’m really looking forward to meeting you tomorrow. Let’s just have a cup of coffee and chat. I would like to take this one step at a time and see how it goes.’ Relieved, he sent the text, only to have a beep back less than a minute later: ‘Absolutely. I can’t wait to meet you xxx.’
James decided to leave any more communication until they were face to face. Initially, James was sitting on a café terrace on London’s South Bank. Sarah was running late and had texted to say, ‘Sorry but the trains are all delayed at my end x.’ ‘Just one kiss?’ thought James, ‘maybe she took some time to think and now understands what I meant. Phew.’ Famous last words . . .
When Sarah arrived she planted a huge kiss on James’ cheek. James felt a little awkward but carried on saying hello, getting her a coffee and chatting with her in a friendly manner. After about 10 minutes of conversation Sarah put her hand on James’ leg stating, ‘I just knew we’d get on so well. I don’t like to mess around when I know something is right,’ and promptly kissed him passionately. ‘So what shall we do this evening honey?’, she asked.
There could be various phrases applied to Sarah, from simply a bit over-keen to a complete and utter bunny boiler! Actually, it appears that what happened on this date was a typical case of over-assertiveness. Sarah, it would appear upon later conversations with James, was incredibly nervous on dates. She had quite low self-esteem and hadn’t quite been able to believe it when James contacted her via the website.
Sarah had thought that if she ‘took charge of the matter’ she could make things work out and convince James that she was confident and in charge. She couldn’t have been further from the truth. He ran a mile, unsurprisingly. However, he did get in touch with her to talk about why he’d run a mile and, although Sarah was pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, at least their conversation gave both of them some food for thought. That was pretty assertive behaviour on James’ part. It allowed a move forward while staying in the middle ground.
It’s extremely common on dates for people to be nervous. And it is also extremely common for one person to feel like they need to take charge and ‘look after’ the whole experience. By doing this, however, the shared experience becomes lost. It is far better to communicate between the two people concerned, using questions and really listening to what one another has to say. Only by getting some clarity about what is going on for the other person in the equation can the appropriate level of behaviour be chosen. Conversation is key. It seems like an obvious thing to say, but when we get caught up in our own emotional anxieties we can forget that basic part of human relationships.
Over-assertiveness in the workplace
There is a lot of this in the workplace and most of it appears to be a result of a lack of communication.
The example here is about a woman called Claire who was a PA to the head of a marketing company and spent most of her time stomping around the office, huffing, puffing, swearing and slamming doors. Most people were terrified of her. It was only when I found myself in a queue for the loos at a Christmas ‘do’ that I realised what was really going on with Claire. Up to that point I’d found any excuse not to be around her, but I was somewhat trapped in the fateful queue that Christmas.
As I sidled up to Claire mumbling, ‘Alright?’, and hoping not to get much of a response, I noticed she had been crying. ‘It seems not’, I said to her and she turned to face me. ‘Nobody likes me at work. Hardly anyone has spoken to me all night’, she sniffled. No wonder, I thought, you terrify people!
What was really going on?
Actually it materialised that Claire was being given a bit of a hard time by her boss. Most of the stomping around that made us think she was a stroppy woman with an anger management problem turned out to be a terrified woman, who didn’t know where or whom to turn to.
What made things harder for Claire was that she was a single parent and had no family living near her. She was feeling very alone and ‘like she was invisible.’ If we think back to Berne’s model of transactional analysis as mentioned in Chapter 3 of this book (see p. 40), what was happening at work was that Claire’s boss was taking the role of the Critical Parent, which was having the effect of creating the Rebellious Child in Claire.
She admitted that her boss made her feel like an incompetent child and, since she was feeling pretty incompetent in her personal life too, she was left feeling terrified and completely at sea. The stomping around was the only ‘voice’ she could find to try and cry for help. And of course that wasn’t serving her.
Claire was failing to realise that by her expressive outbursts following these incidents in her boss’ office, people did not want to approach her as she appeared angry and unreasonable. In actual fact she appeared to be somewhat unhinged at times. Nobody realised that what she actually needed was some help and support.
Thinking about this in terms of the assertiveness spectrum and the response choices available to Claire, it is interesting to look at the realistic options she had.
Options
Firstly, in terms of dealing with her boss, the obvious option is the one that links straight back to Eric Berne’s theory – respond like a very calm adult, regardless of what is coming at you. This is easier said than done, and so I offer another ‘trick’, or metaphor, to help with this.
In order to keep some distance between you and your emotions in this situation it may help to visualise someone else’s emotional outburst as them unpacking a grocery bag on the table. It is a very full grocery bag but it is theirs. If you think of the tins of beans as representing their emotions and upset, then do we want to carry those other ‘tins of emotions’ that don’t actually belong in our shopping bag? I would suggest not. Therefore visualise them, see them, acknowledge them, but under no circumstances should you pick them up and carry them around. Your own tins of ‘beans’ are heavy enough.
Keeping language neutral can also help with this. If someone starts to criticise and complain it can be incredibly useful simply to use their language and reflect back to them what they have said.
Taking an example from Claire’s story, one day her boss exploded at her and said: ‘I don’t understand how you have time to take personal phone calls when the workload is piling up.’ Close to tears, Claire put her phone away and started work on the next task on her ‘to do’ list. What her boss didn’t know is it had been her son’s school on the phone because he wasn’t feeling well.
In this instance, had Claire been taught how to be more assertive she could have responded: ‘I am very conscious of our workload and I would like to reassure you that I wouldn’t take a personal call unless it was of the utmost importance, which in that case it was. I have now dealt with the situation and I am just about to complete that report you asked for. Is there anything else you need?’
A response like this doesn’t really leave the boss with anywhere to go and can mean that both Clare and her boss can get on with the rest of the day. Hopefully it will also have given her boss pause for thought to realise that Clare is a conscientious worker and would only take an urgent call, which in turn would enable him to have more faith in her and treat her as an adult and partner in helping him get through the workload, rather than as a naughty child who needs constant monitoring and criticism.
Anyone, whatever their position in any communication dynamic, can pull things back on track by taking the position of the calm, attentive adult. It enables your attention to stay with the other person and the dynamic becomes two-way. Win-win. Balanced.
For the record, and in order to give you the classic happy ending, Claire and I actually ended up discussing all of these options and theories for a good two hours squashed on a step opposite the ladies. She worked hard to change her tactics and people’s responses towards her changed significantly. I still see her actually. She is a really nice woman and a good friend. The levelling that the circumstances allowed that night in the toilet queue provided a real turning point for Claire. But, as she puts it herself, she had to hit rock bottom (tears and loneliness at a Christmas party) before she could really start to see what else was possible. Here’s hoping that isn’t the case for everyone.
Over-assertiveness in a restaurant (or similar)
Families and food . . . birthday celebrations and restaurants. These words can send shivers up the hardiest of spines, and for good reason. Over-assertive behaviour in a public place with a decent-sized audience can be one of the trickiest things to have to deal with in the heat of the moment. And it can also be one of the most cringe-worthy.
Imagine a wonderful restaurant in a highly swanky area. The table has been booked for several weeks because if you don’t get in early there is no way you will get a table for 12 at short notice. The family have RSVP’d, final numbers counted, presents bought, posh frocks and glitter embodied, suits suited and ties tied. Everyone is decked out in the finest attire and they’re all in the car giggling and looking forward to a good family catch up ‘avec vin.’ The night is bound to go swimmingly . . . isn’t it?!
So why, oh why, oh why do most of us, despite playing out the charade described above, have a sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs in the cab ride there, just waiting for ‘that moment’ to happen on the ever-fateful family celebratory meal out? If it isn’t the wrong starter (too hot, too cold), main (too rare, overdone), pudding (too big, too small), wine (dry, sweet), waitress (friendly, grumpy), cushion (hard, soft), music (loud, rubbish), or whatever else there is to be debated over, it is some through-gritted-teeth remark that bounces across the table at some point or other, just waiting to be seized upon by the person for whom it is most definitely ‘not intended’ (honest!), who has usually, by this point, consumed that one glass of wine more than they should have and reacts in the extreme. Happy memories? Well, maybe not.
Over-assertive behaviour is rife when no family member will give up their well-preened position or pride within the family pecking order without a cross word or ten. Or a passive aggressive sulk. Or a storm out. Or all three. Sound familiar?
With so many witnesses to such a delicate situation, how is such a thing manageable within this fluid assertiveness spectrum of which we have so far spoken? Surely it can’t be that simple? Well . . . no. But it is possible. Forearmed can only be good, right? Right!
So what can you do?
Well, what can you do? You know best here! You certainly can’t always prevent or fix the thing, but you can certainly attempt to manage it. So let’s start to put everything we have spoken about into a pot of ‘tips for the table’:
Some tips for the table
- It is what it is. Try not to put the ‘it has to be perfect’ expectation on the evening. It will inevitably go the same way as that uncontrollable presentation if you do that. If things aren’t up to scratch, so be it.
- If you must complain about something (a dish, seating, or whatever) do it discreetly, turned away from the table to save the embarrassment of the restaurant staff or any member of the family. Keep it short and to the point and don’t get personal about it.
- If a family grizzle does start to emerge between people, try not to get entangled, even if you mean to ‘calm things down.’ Let the people involved have their space. The less attention the incident is given, the less it will thrive. A little like not fanning a flame.
- If any insult flies across the table, remember the concept of the tins of beans. People will always dump their stuff on the table, metaphorically speaking, and none of us can do anything about that. But we don’t have to pick it up or engage with them – that is an option that we have some control over.
- Stay adult. Despite family history, do avoid, if you can, any of the parent/child dynamics, even if you are dealing with a parent/child relationship.
- Breathe! And smile, but not too much (just in case someone takes it the wrong way . . .).
A quick note on assumptions
The assumptions we can jump to about people and any given situation can really get us into trouble. We will often base our interpretations on our own historical references, forgetting that everyone else has their own individual set. We can become so convinced that we are right that we forget to check in with the actual facts, and instead treat our assumptions as the facts and then react accordingly.
When it comes to over-assertive behaviour, often our own interpretation and our own inner critic will have us believe something that can be quite different from what is going on in actuality.
Marcus is someone who frowns. He frowns a lot. He frowns because he has a very handsome face but this handsome face needs glasses, badly. Marcus refuses to wear these glasses because he still wants to feel he looks good, which means he ends up frowning. It is that simple.
One day Alex came in to the office. Alex was fairly new and lacked some self-confidence. Alex became convinced that Marcus disliked him, thought he was rubbish at his job and didn’t ever want to talk to him because every time Marcus looked at Alex he was frowning. Marcus thought Alex was snobby because he never spoke to him.
One day, when Marcus asked Alex if he could have a look at a piece of work with him and give him his opinion, Alex snapped, ‘Oh you want to talk to me now eh? Now that you need my help?’ Marcus was stunned. This was confirmation for him that Alex was indeed snobby and ‘up himself.’ Alex thought Marcus was unbelievably cheeky for using him in this way even though it was blatantly obvious that Marcus really didn’t like Alex.
The moral of this story is that Marcus really should just get some glasses. Or at the very least make it known to people why he frowns so much. And Alex? I’m giving him a copy of this book.
When your own brain leaps to an assumption, always check it out. We humans do have a tendency to think everything around us is all about us, when in actual fact usually it isn’t.
- Keep an open and honest channel of communication as much as you can and listen to how other people feel or think about any situation
- Don’t aim for perfection as it is unachievable
- If there feels like a lack of choice in terms of responses available, think about models such as Berne’s transactional analysis
- Don’t pick up or engage with other people’s emotional issues (or their tins of beans) if they push them at you
- Listen to and acknowledge the opinions of others, even if you don’t agree with them