It can be very tricky to work out who you really are. With every one of us experiencing an intensive initial eighteen years of ‘training’ into the human race, coupled with the many years of rules that follow, we can sometimes lose that all-essential connection to our own core, lose sight of all the components that make us individual and unique.
Self-censoring
What is meant by self-censoring? It’s the inner critic – the voice in our heads that questions the thing we almost do or say, deems it inappropriate, wrong, or just too risky, and stops us following it through. Sometimes this is a good judgement call, but often it is something that simply gets us stuck and means we become inauthentic and therefore uncomfortable. People can see that a mile off and then, before we know it, we are in a rut.
Most of us spend a lot of our time unconsciously self-censoring our thoughts and actions. So it’s essential that we use a chapter of this book to explore and reconnect with the authentic you – your aspirations, values, metaphorical warts and all, so that we can rebuild our base.
It is not about washing away this training entirely, but simply ‘checking in’ to see if there’s anything that’s sneakily slipped off our radar in the years that ‘life stuff’ has taken over. It is extremely important, if you’re going to develop a sound, flexible spectrum of assertive behaviour, to ask that all-important question: are you currently respecting yourself as much as you could be?
I’d like you to spend 15 whole minutes thinking solely about yourself between the ages of four and seven. What did you like to do with your time, from the smallest things (like singing in front of the mirror to Madonna songs to the big stuff like BMX contests with friends?) Visualise everything. Go into as much detail as you can.
You may be reminded of some things you haven’t recalled for many years. Enjoy it if that happens. Remember you have 15 minutes to immerse yourself. If by chance other details from your childhood come into play that may bring up less pleasant feelings, try not to fight them. Simply allow them to pass and then guide your thoughts back to the pleasurable things that were going on at the time.
After this visualisation, without discussing what has come up with anyone else, make a list of all of the things you remembered or pictured. Or sketch them out below.
The things you loved
The things you loved that you still do will be strongly apparent during this exercise. You may notice some things you no longer do, which you realise that you miss, and then there will be the ones you’re glad you don’t do anymore.
Note down your observations about this. You may get an emotional sensation, you may smile or giggle, or you may get a warm feeling in your belly. If you get any of these then they are strong indications that this is still something that gives you pleasure so pay attention to these feelings.
Conversely, if you get any other feelings such as dread, a sinking feeling, or feelings of pressure then these are indicative that this is no longer something that motivates you.
Observations
Now see if you can deduce why you liked doing some of these things. For example, I liked to go and lie on my bed and look at or read books because I could escape from the noisiness of the daily household and into another world. To this day the thought of lying undisturbed on a big comfy bed makes me feel very relaxed and safe, whereas the thought of my household being noisy makes me feel quite stressed out.
What does it mean then?
So what can I deduce from this? Well, if I think about this a little more I realise that there are many things in life that still stress me out but that I don’t often allow myself the indulgence of lying on my bed and reading. So the question I then ask is ‘Why?’ The thought, ‘Well, I’m often really busy’ comes up. Too busy for what? To enjoy the simple pleasures of life? To read and relax?
Once I spend just a little time to unpick what I’m really saying to myself this gets very interesting. What happens if I then think about stretching out on my bed and reading a couple of times a week. What if I simply create a few windows for myself in which to do things like that? That makes me smile because it makes me feel happy.
So this is definitely a core part of me and what I like to do. So then, if I like to do this, why would I deny myself the pleasure of doing it? Is anything more important than doing the things you enjoy in life?
Once you start this process you’ll discover a rather wonderfully long list you can choose from to give your life a quick boost or even a few longer moments of indulgence.
Since this is an opportunity to write down your own thoughts and experiences, try not to self-censor but allow yourself to go to the hilarious, the ridiculous, the embarrassing. For example, if you used to tie a scarf around your head and hang bangles from your ears while making your family queue up outside your bedroom to have their fortunes read using a deck of playing cards and peering into a paperweight then put that in there too. No? What, never?! That will just be me then . . .
Take a good amount of time to think about all of this and really draw your own conclusions from those things you used to enjoy doing as a child. By now you’re probably starting to tune back in to who you were as a child. You’re likely to be smiling as things come back to you and there are probably a few memories coming up that you haven’t thought about for a while.
 | Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. |
| Judy Garland, actress |
Words and phrases
Write down as many descriptive words or phrases as you can that relate directly to the younger version of you (these might be words like ‘adventurous’, ‘into everything’, ‘loyal’, ‘a proper little day-dreamer’, etc.). These can be words or phrases that were used by others too. Don’t worry if they appear to contradict each other as they are all completely valid. None of us is ever just one thing.
Now see if anything has come up that feels as though it is no longer something you or anyone else would use to describe you as you are now. Is there anything that feels like it does not belong in any way, shape or form? If so, circle it or put a mark beside it.
How do you feel about the words or phrases you have identified? Are you pleased that they are no longer representative of you? Or is there something in there you might like to reclaim? If the latter rings true then do it. Right now, just think, ‘I want to be that again.’ Connect back in to why you enjoy being that thing and make a conscious decision to reincorporate it into your life in one way or another from this point forward.
Who or what we wanted to be
All of us have had our role models over the years. It is likely that we have them now. When you were a child through primary school, who were your role models, heroes/heroines, or other people you really looked up to?
What was it about them that made you want to be like them?
I always loved Alannah Currie from the pop group The Thompson Twins because she was a strong and outspoken woman, she dressed as an individual, was a bit of a rebel and was musical and creative. In fact, I’m pretty sure she still is all of those things. These values were also things that were celebrated in my family home. My parents always encouraged creativity, outspokenness and individuality. When I look at myself now these are still the core things that I hold dear in my own life. They are values and aspirations and it’s important to me to walk the walk with them. They are also the things I actively encourage other people to value and respect.
Take a look at the list of individuals you have created and annotate it with the qualities of these people that made you hold them up as someone to aspire to be like. Do they start to make you think about your own values in life? The things you speak up to support? The things that make you a happy and fully-functioning person?
Values
It is interesting how our values come about in life. Usually they are things that we have learned along the way and set up for ourselves through experience and having a strong emotional response to those things, either positive or negative.
Values are the things that solidify or break all types of relationship. They are also key things that we have learned directly from our environment, either overtly or covertly. Your values may contain things such as honesty, empathy or respect for other people’s points of view. Make a list of them here:
When we don’t stick to our own values, that’s when we can feel unsettled and annoyed with ourselves. It is very easy to feel restless and upset when somebody else tramples on one of our core values, whether intentionally or not, but when we do it ourselves we can render ourselves quite unforgiveable. From a position of assertiveness this can really knock you off-centre. You can therefore put yourself at a massive disadvantage in dealing with the day-to-day because at your very core something is feeling amiss. If it were a game of chess you’d be vulnerable from all angles. And because this can make us vulnerable, it creates defensiveness, guardedness and a sense of distrust.
So it makes sense then that this is one of the key places from which to monitor your own assertiveness. Values (or indeed morals or ethics as some people may refer to them) act as key indicators of whether or not we are being true to ourselves or holding ourselves, and therefore our own opinions and outlook on life, in high-enough esteem.
Physically and emotionally, our systems are highly adept at signalling to us when we are not respecting these values. Things like tension in the upper body, in particular head, chest, neck and shoulders, can be a real indication that we are stiffening up in order to protect ourselves from some of those ‘value tramplers’ that are around in our environments. It’s almost like we are internally armouring up or shielding.
The Graves Value Model
Dr Clare Graves was a professor of psychology who spent a lot of his time researching the psychological health of the individual. Graves concluded that there are eight different categories (referred to as systems) of where our personal values are placed, and that we drift around occupying each one at different times in our lives. They are detailed below. As you go through each one, pay attention to how you might relate to these different categories.
Value System One
Defined as beige and representational of instinct.
The concerns here are for survival, with a major emphasis on meeting basic physical needs. One could suggest that this is where the human being is prioritising its own essential needs above anything else.
Value System Two
Defined as purple and representational of tribe.
Here it is the membership of a ‘tribe’, family or team that takes priority, and people will repress their own needs for the benefit of the tribe. This can mean anything from conscious compromise to a subconscious, and therefore resentful, quashing of personal thoughts and feelings.
Value System Three
Defined by the colour red and representative of power.
When operating from this value system we only really recognise and accept power as a place of negotiation, and therefore interaction with others on a more personal level is limited. This power is the main currency of the relationship. Here there can be a real denial of what is actually happening on a human level and internal indications of true thoughts and feelings can be ignored. This can often be the ground for conflict and the possibility of over-assertiveness coming into play.
Value System Four
Defined as blue and representative of order.
It could be said that to regain the necessary balance, order must be re-established. Hierarchy and knowing the difference between right and wrong is of major importance here. This represents a level of awareness but the question must remain, are the rules that are coming into play here really serving the situation or not? It is important to remain aware when operating within this value system.
Value System Five
Defined as being orange and representative of technology and innovation.
When the status quo becomes turgid and threatens to stop progress, innovative measures are sought through which to drive progress. This is usually the area that sets out to achieve business profit and recognition and humanity can sometimes get overlooked here. However, where there is an opportunity to serve both, this can be a fairly healthy place to operate from.
Value System Six
Defined as green and representative of humanity and the nurturing of it.
It takes into account what is going on for the self and for others so this could be said to tie directly into the flexible middle ground of assertive choice.
Value System Seven
Defined as yellow, standing for all systems.
This is where we can recognise the previous systems and work with them all together. Recognising and using all of the systems will lead to more efficiency and utilising of fewer resources. It helps to create win-wins and is an ideal existence.
Value System Eight
Defined as turquoise and representative of the global view.
There is now a recognition and utilisation of all of the systems within the different cultures and needs of the world, which are today so interconnected. This is trickier to manage and is our most current challenge in day-to-day business. Assertiveness is more important than ever if we are to find ways of making this global community work.
How praise and criticism take effect
When we played as children, both praise and criticism were vital in shaping who we have become. When we’re told things like we’re being too loud, we’re showing off, we are being stupid, we’re very good, we’re not good enough, we’re very clever, we’re not clever enough, that we’re getting above our stations, that we’ve been well behaved . . . and so on, it can have a massive impact.
The same thing can happen as a fully functioning adult. There are still situations where we will look to others for praise, acknowledgement and acceptance, be that at work, in sport, at home, with friends, with partners, with parents (yes, still!). So why do we do it?
Partly, it is learned behaviour and has been so trained into us by the time we reach adulthood that we don’t even realise it is happening. So the next time you feel like asking someone ‘Is that ok with you?’, stop for a minute. Ask yourself why you feel the need to get their approval. Going back to the brilliant Mr Berne, are you acting like an adult and being collaborative? You are. Fantastic.
If not, has that adaptive child taken up residence and made you seek some sort of validation or permission in the way you would with a parent or teacher? If you suspect this is the case then question whether you really need this approval; after all, gone are the days when we promise to obey in wedding vows or work contracts.
When you start to question this seeking of approval you’ll discover that nine times out of ten you don’t need to seek it.
It’s good to start really listening to the self-talk happening in your head, it’s there all the time. Notice what you are telling yourself and then question whether it’s an adult voice you are hearing or whether that nasty critical parent or worried adaptive child has taken over. This sort of questioning will help you notice and make adjustments so that you can make a conscious choice about how to respond to things, rather than being held hostage by an old, outdated pattern of behaviour.
How we probably view ourselves as assertive
So going back to the beginning of this book then, what does assertiveness actually mean in our own mind’s eye? What are the connotations if we go to what we perceive as an assertive place, and is it a positive, negative or neutral thing?
The chances are that the way you feel when you assert yourself in a challenging situation is not as strong as you think. That is because we are experiencing ourselves from the internal and the rest of the world experiences our external persona.
- Visualise for yourself what you think you look like, sound like and how you come across when you are being assertive. Jot down some notes here:
- Is there anything that feels scary or uncomfortable about behaving in this way? What are the connotations for you, either positive or negative?
- And how true are these visualisations? If you’re not sure you could ask someone you trust, but only as a one-off for this exercise! Let’s remember not to go back to making a habit of checking in with others about how you are coming across.
Are there any surprises when you really sit down and think about or discuss what your own personal assertive behaviour looks like? Is there a possibility of anything coming across differently from how you intended it to? And if so, in what ways?
Record your thoughts below.
Thinking assertively
Now if you are of a cynical persuasion you aren’t going to believe the next sentence, but I assure you it is true.
By just thinking yourself more assertive you can become so.
I know that sounds too easy but it’s been proven many times over. Ask any athlete about their core preparation for a big event and one of the most important things they will identify as a success factor is imagining themselves winning – whether it’s the 100 metres, the FA Cup or Wimbledon.
Every athlete will spend time just before the event imagining success. Combining this with their particular sporting prowess enables their bodies to know what they need to do to reach the goal.
It’s the same for you. You simply need to trust it. So next time you are preparing for a situation where you need to use your assertiveness skills then, just before you go in, think ‘assertive’ to yourself and it will really help you to get off the starting blocks in the right way. And the start is always the hardest part. Once you start the only important thing to remember is to keep on going.
- Think about who you were as a child – what were your likes and dislikes and do they match up with the adult version of you?
- Allow yourself the time to regularly do the things you genuinely take pleasure in doing – take the lead from what you enjoyed doing as a child
- Know your own values and take care of them by ensuring you have set boundaries so they don’t cause a negative effect on you
- Have the confidence that you can start to gauge for yourself whether your own behaviour is appropriate or not in a given situation – always trust your instinct!
- The assertiveness level you feel internally is not always fully representative of how your assertiveness is being perceived externally