Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your [im]balance you must keep moving.
—Adapted from Albert Einstein
I decided to throw the word “balance” out of my life … Balance suggests this sort of stable, level [scale] where one side equals the other. In my philosophy … life is very dynamic and it’s always moving, so … things never stay the same. So, I call it managing the dynamics, as opposed to balance.
—WiSER Abby
Balance is defined as an even distribution of weight that enables someone—or something—to remain upright and steady. Have you ever tried to maintain perfect balance in your life? If so, how long did you manage to maintain it? What, or who, did you say “no” to in order to maintain it? Did you achieve an authentic balance, in which the scales of your personal and professional lives were perfectly even, or was it that you spent more time tilting the scales, calling it balance because it felt right to you? Balance is like the holy grail, compelling and elusive at best. WiSER Flavia described some of the challenges involved in attempting to “balance” professional and personal responsibilities. “I’m very conscious that there is a stress element. … Women are good at having—a tendency to always feel that they fall short,” WiSER Flavia added. “I think I’ve come to terms with that, in the sense that we can’t be perfect and there will be some degree of imperfection—both professionally and personally.” She noted that her professional work has led her to rethink the unrealistic standards she imposed on herself. “In development, we’ve been very engaged in promoting governance in countries where we work,” she explained. “A few years ago, the UK Department of Development [told us] we shouldn’t go for perfection. We should look for good enough governance, and I think we need to look for ‘good enough’ balance as well.”
We recommend tipping the scales to target them toward your strongest moments resulting in a fulfilling life. Dozens of WiSER have chosen to live their lives this way, and they have found tremendous success and happiness in the process of practicing conscious imbalance. This should not leave you riddled with guilt. “When the children [were] younger, I [felt] that I just ran my life by guilt,” WiSER Alexis recalled. “I constantly felt guilty for not being at work, or guilty for not being at home when the children were sick or … I missed some important event at school.” Despite such challenges, however, she added, “I would do it all again—five times over.” Dan Thurmon (2010), author and motivational speaker on the topic of living off-balance, describes it as living life intentionally off-balance for a specific purpose.
A Positive Definition
Imbalance is often regarded as an undesirable condition. The common view is that someone in an imbalanced situation has not chosen his/her lot. However, this isn’t always the case. You may perceive others’ life as imbalanced and think that as a result they must be unhappy. However, if their situation is the result of conscious, deliberate choices which fulfills them, the perception is actually inaccurate. Imbalance can result from the fact that choices are made to either spend most of one’s time devoted to career or devoted to personal priorities such as family. For WiSER Martine, the term “work-life balance” is misleading. “It’s not about work-life balance; it’s about being satisfied in both—or multiple—aspects of your life. It shows. If you are frustrated at home and you are not having a good time, it’s going to spill over into your work.” And if your work is frustrating, your personal life and relations will suffer as a result of it.
People are searching for deeply satisfying personal and professional lives, not a balance or compromise between the two. Often there are competing priorities, and we need to understand which way we want to tip the scales in order to achieve deeper fulfillment. When Matthew Kelly, author of Off Balance, conducted interviews, he found that responses to his questions about people’s most satisfying periods involved descriptions of extreme situations. They were stories about putting in 70 hours per week for a few months in order to deliver a high-profile project on time and under budget. Or, they were stories of sitting on the beach in the Bahamas doing nothing more than sipping on a Pina Colada. They were rarely stories about working on the beach, for instance, which would reflect the proverbial balance.
Conscious imbalance, the idea of tipping the scales as a conscious, deliberate choice in order to feel fully satisfied is about adapting to ever changing situations rather than maintaining a status quo. It is embracing what might be versus protecting what is, choosing growth over stagnation, and having more of what truly matters versus having a little of everything (Thurmon 2010). For the purpose of our research, we defined the competency “Conscious imbalance” as follows:
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Conscious imbalance |
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Tipping the scales toward what gives you energy and fulfillment with the realization that the scales will need to be rebalanced on a regular basis. |
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• You set your own priorities regardless of standards or others’ opinions. • You create or maintain a conscious imbalance between professional and • You determine when one must dominate the other. • You get what you want from both priorities. |
Half of WiSER (50 percent) demonstrated these skills. Interestingly, if we examine types of organization, women working for governmental organizations demonstrated this competency far more than the others: 88 percent compared to 49 percent of women in for-profit organizations and 38 percent of women in non-profit organizations. Women from North America demonstrated this competency at a comparatively higher rate (57 percent) than women from Europe (44 percent).
On the spectrum of conscious imbalance, where do you think you fall? Where would you like to be? What steps can you take to get there?
Imbalanced 
Conscious Imbalance 
Perfection
Considering that we were talking to WiSER, many of our interviewees were inclined to tip the scales in the direction of work, projects, and travel. When you talk about men tipping the scales toward work, it is considered normal, and it is certainly regarded as acceptable. However, when a woman does this, it is often questioned. “How could you be happy doing this?” As WiSER Faith told us:
I think that when you love what you do, it gets really hard to know what this whole work-life balance is, because it doesn’t always feel like work to me. Other people, like my partner, need to remind me. I’ll never forget the night, at around 3 O’clock in the morning, he got up to go to the bathroom and he found me. The whole house is dark. I’m sitting in my nightgown, with my face blue, glowing from my Blackberry. He said, “What are you doing? Why are you online? Come back to sleep.” I responded, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Clearly that’s not healthy, but I loved what I was into.
Interestingly, some of the women who discussed with us their efforts to maintain a work-life balance revealed choices that in fact demonstrated conscious imbalance. The overall message is best said in the words of Madeleine Albright: “women can have it all, just not at the same time.” Thoughtful concessions based on priorities will have to be made. WiSER Britta draws from her personal experience when discussing this phenomenon. “You have to go after what you want, when it is the right time for you,” she advised. “People have criticized me for wanting it all—child and family and living abroad and ambitious career.” She added that many people have recommended that she scale down her commitments and her aspirations. “I think it is important to accept when you have a demanding job and a child or family, there is no balance—forget it,” she said. “Prioritize and outsource things like house cleaning, lawn care, and other low-priority items in order to spend your time on high-priority, high-value things.”
The WiSER discussed with us many situations in which they had to give something up in order to meet their goals. Giving something up is not easy. They indicated, however, that, in the long run, the sacrifice was worth it. WiSER Anuradha found that consciously imbalancing her personal and professional life required her and her husband to live in separate locations. While she lived in India, her husband resided in the United States. “My husband went off because he got a big job offer, and I was not ready to give up this wonderful thing that I … had worked so hard for,” she explained.
We lived for three years with our firstborn in two separate households. We worked very hard to meet every six weeks for a week. I had a lot of support from my parents. Six months the baby stayed with his father; six months he stayed with his mom … He spent his first four years traveling back and forth and had more frequent flyer miles than I did.
As their son grew older, however, WiSER Anuradha and her husband concluded that the arrangement was no longer viable, and she made the decision to move closer to her husband. Similarly, WiSER Ulrike, who has a partner, decided on a long-distance relationship for professional reasons. When she received an assignment in Finland, he chose to remain in Germany. “We don’t have kids,” she explained. “So, in that respect, it was quite easy.” They would meet twice a month.
When making concessions, however, it is not always tipped toward professional commitments. Many WiSER have given up on a great career opportunity to the benefit of their family. WiSER Veronika chose not to accept a position because of her familial responsibilities. “There was a time when I could have gotten a better job in my company being responsible for many more people,” she revealed. “But I decided to say, ‘no,’ because it really didn’t fit into my family life.” Similarly, WiSER Britta had to give up on some of her favorite pastimes. “You … need to prioritize and aim for self-fulfillment, while realizing that you will have to give some things up. Yoga classes, retreats … are not part of my life,” she acknowledged. “Do I miss it? Yes. But I am prioritizing.”
Regardless of how you tip the scales, or which priorities you set, it is essential to take time for yourself. When life is going at a hundred miles an hour, you might forget to look after yourself. Even if you spend 18 hours a day doing what you love doing, you still need time to relax, reload, and take your mind off things. “I think that, because of the stress and the time that goes into the job, you have to be aware of it and you have to really plan some time for yourself, some time to reflect, time to relax, because if you don’t consciously plan it, you won’t have it,” advised WiSER Elsa L. “The job will wear you out.” If you don’t manage your life purposefully, you won’t have time for yourself.
One of the WiSER shared a story about a female colleague who worked hard and long, traveled the world, and was constantly training for the next marathon. Much to her embarrassment, she passed out on the shop floor after arriving for a meeting. Similarly, another one of the WiSER, Karin, found her job to be a dangerously exhausting experience. “I was actually working so much that … I had to find another job,” she recalled. “And, I wasn’t able to … know or feel within myself when enough was enough. So, I was working seven days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day to keep up with the projects.” She added that it took her a couple of years to recover from this experience. “So, in a way, you could say that I almost got killed by my own success because I wasn’t able to stop,” she added.
As we mentioned, the scales of your life will need to be re-calibrated on a regular basis. This means that, over time, you may desire to spend more time on personal commitments—or after devoting a good deal of time to such priorities, you may wish to have a renewed focus on professional commitments. “I made the choice to be a single mom and I adopted my daughter,” WiSER Janice revealed. “And when I made that choice, I kind of took a step back in my career for two years, and I took a role … with a … good title, and I got paid very well, but … I had no professional. I made that decision because I had adopted my baby girl.” Similarly, WiSER Nathalie G. made some changes in response to the demands of raising a family. “When our first son was born, I had a quiet phase for 24 months,” she said. This meant little traveling and working part-time. “And then, I took on the global strategic marketing role, and I was traveling again to the US, China, and to India.”
After many years of being a WiSER with a trailing spouse, WiSER Laura tipped her scales completely to the other side to support her husband’s professional goals, even though her career was actually more lucrative. “We made the conscious decision that my husband deserves a chance. He has a master’s degree. He has a lot to give to students.” While she was confident she could do her job extremely well, she indicated: “We did make the conscious decision to make that switch, which involved a lot of sacrifice as well … but … in a good sort of way.”
How to Achieve Conscious Imbalance—Tips
“There is no secret to balance; you just have to feel the waves.” Frank Herbert. Successful surfers must develop a feel for where their body is positioned relative to the flow of the waves. They do this by keeping their eyes on the horizon, looking ahead and never down. They have trained their body’s muscle memory to instinctually tense and release muscles at the right times and in just the right increments allowing them to stay on the board. In female expatriate terms: you have to constantly recalibrate and reassess your priorities to remain content. WiSER demonstrated time and time again how they have imbalanced their lives in order to do what gives them energy and happiness. Download the Women Leaders Toolkit from the BEP Publishing website for additional tools and resources.
Off balance exercises are important to strengthen your core muscles. Equipment such as a yoga ball, forces you off balance, therefore requiring you to use your core muscles more frequently. As you enter your expatriate experience, conscious imbalance can strengthen you at the core in order to perform optimally in your new role. Here are some off balance practices shared by WiSER.
Don’t Let Societal Expectations Dictate Your Priorities
One of the most important messages the WiSER imparted was the importance of going after your dreams. Don’t give up on your goals because of other people’s attitudes toward you, your lifestyle, and your choices. What may work for you does not necessarily conform with other people’s values and practices—and vice versa. “I love my work, and I couldn’t live without work,” WiSER Maria revealed. “Balance is a very personal thing. Probably, when friends of mine would look at my life, they would think I am not at all in balance. Well, I am fine with it. It all depends on what your priorities are, obviously.”
The WiSER stressed that there is no need to give up on your dreams as your life evolves. Our women demonstrate that it is possible to have a wonderful international career, solo, along with a partner, and/or a family. It may not always be easy, but if your goal is to move abroad, you should attempt to realize your ambitions. In the end, all that matters is that you are happy with your own life, and how you lead it. All the women whose personal scales tipped in the direction of work loved what they were doing. They enjoyed their work so they did not view spending less time in other areas as an unreasonable sacrifice. It was their deliberate choice, which led to happiness and fulfillment.
Validate the Needs of Your Family and Employer
Although you may be open to the idea of doing more of the things you enjoy, chances are that you will also be concerned about tipping the scales in such a way that you risk letting down either your employer or your family. Therefore, it is important to get a clear understanding of their expectations of you. By this we mean that you have to really know what they expect as opposed to you presuming to know what they expect. A fascinating study cited by Marcus Buckingham may shed light on this subject. The study involved more than one thousand young people in the United States between the grades of three to 12. The participants were asked this question: “If you were granted one wish that would change the way that your mother’s/your father’s work affects your life, what would that wish be?” In a parallel study, more than six hundred employed mothers and fathers were asked to guess how their children would respond to this question. Here’s what they found:
Most parents (56 percent) guessed that their children would wish for more time with them. But “more time” was not at the top of children’s wish list. Only 10 percent of children made that wish about their mothers and 15.5 percent about their fathers. Most children wished that their mothers (34 percent) and their fathers (27.5 percent) would be less stressed and tired. (Buckingham 2009, p. 228)
In other words, kids want parents to be happier, not necessarily to spend more time with them.
Call in the Troops
No one can do it all by themselves, nor should anyone be expected to do so. This is why it is so important to build up a support network on international assignments within a short period of time. “While living in South Africa, I hired a full-time nanny and was also backed by my family and friends,” said WiSER Erica, who is a single mother.
In Australia my kids were a little older, but I had a housekeeper that helped me with basics, such as cleaning the house, ensuring the laundry was done, ensuring that the kids got fed when they came back from school and then in the evenings I would cook and enjoy time with my boys.
She added that her support structure included a strong network of friends, whom she didn’t hesitate to contact when she needed assistance.
Most of the WiSER who were married indicated their spouses played a critical role in their professional success, given that they provided constant support, encouragement, and assistance. “It is difficult to balance the two,” WiSER Lillian observed, when describing her efforts to maintain professional and personal responsibilities. “It’s not a very steady balance because there are moments … where sometimes work gets priority, and there are moments … where the family gets the priority.” She noted that her husband is extremely supportive of her professional goals. “Definitely, without him being as involved as he is at home, it would be much more difficult than what it is,” she said. “But I never wanted the fact that we had children to stop me.” Interestingly, WiSER Abby had a similar story to tell. “My husband has always been really, really supportive and comfortable,” she revealed. “That meant that sometimes he would do more stuff with the kids’ school than me.” She added that her husband often spends more time with the children on weekends as well, because her job requires her to travel.
Advocate for What You Need
A number of WiSER indicated that the best policy is to be open with employers about your needs and desires to either take on an international assignment, a big project, or to “be there” for personal commitments. Requests for time off to address these needs are usually granted without any problems. WiSER Erica noted, “I think it is crucial that you communicate clearly with your manager and when they cut you some slack, you need to make sure you get your work done on time and with high quality.” She added that if you do so, you will generate trust and credibility, which is vital for managing multiple priorities. International assignments will be demanding. Being honest and advocating for what you require to be successful may afford you extra flexibility to tip the scales.
It’s a Wrap!
We have but one life, and we withdraw time from the same time bank, which provides 24 hours a day, spread over 365 days a year. We aren’t simply trying to balance, say, a cup of “work” and a cup of “personal life.” We are looking at one cup that is brimming with who we are, and we don’t want anything valuable to spill out.
Never stop thinking about the moments in your life that have brought you great joy and fulfillment. Once you understand that, you can make the hard choices that are involved in tipping the scales—and lead a more fulfilling life. The WiSER suggest working on conscious imbalance by making choices based on your goals rather than societal expectations; validating the needs of your family and employer rather than assuming you know what they need or want; and, ask for the support you require both personally and professionally, rather than suffering in silence. As you pass through different phases in life, the scales may be tipped differently, so it’s necessary to calibrate them on a regular basis. Adopting a conscious attitude of imbalance means that you are tipping the scales of personal and professional demands according to your key priorities and personal standards.
As WiSER Marieke sums it up: “I’ve heard many women beating themselves down, although they are doing a great, excellent job managing both professional and personal lives. What we have to work on is believ- ing in ourselves.”