Speak in Ways That Are Helpful

If we don't have something helpful to say, something that would add value over silence and doesn't attack someone personally, it's probably better to say nothing. This type of restraint can prevent the degradation of a relationship. It also helps us refrain from the egocentric inner dialogue that makes being mindfully self-aware more difficult than it needs to be. Additionally, this practice can help us speak less and do more listening, which is very conducive to sustaining mindful self-awareness.

Refrain from Offering Opinions Unless Asked to Do So or It Is Absolutely Necessary

This is a good general rule to follow for effective leadership whenever we're hoping to get the best ideas from team members. The moment we, as leaders, state an opinion, we're very likely to steer thinking away from ideas that are contrary to that opinion. These may be the very ideas that we need to hear to arrive at the best solutions.

Also, the more often we express opinions, the more entrenched we become in those opinions. This can make letting go of egocentric thinking and becoming and remaining mindfully self-aware much more challenging. Opinions are one of the most ego-charged thoughts we carry around in our minds.

Be Mindful while Using Electronic Devices

One of the most common questions I receive during the workshops and training programs I offer is “What effect do our devices have on our ability to be mindful?” This question is so important today that there's actually an entire conference series, called Wisdom 2.0, dedicated to discussing how we can keep wisdom alive in the digital age.¹

We are certainly facing problems in this digital age. Many people are in an almost constant state of anxiety, people don't seem to be present with each other while interacting, and people's attention spans appear to be rapidly dwindling.²

The problem isn't with the devices themselves. Smartphones and tablets and laptop computers are all very useful devices that can help us in many ways. The problem is our relationship to the devices. It seems that many of us are addicted to them, compelled by the neurotransmitter dopamine to seek the pleasure of the opioid neurotransmitter we receive when we interact with them, as Dr. Susan Weinschenk wrote in an article for Psychology Today.³ Have you ever seen a person driving on a freeway at 55 miles per hour or faster, with a child in the backseat of the car, pick up a smartphone and not only read a text but also reply to it? That extremely dangerous act sounds quite similar to the risky behavior a person addicted to crack cocaine might engage in to get another hit.

We need to change our relationship with our devices. It can start with some hard rules about when and where we check e-mail or text messages, doing so only during deliberately scheduled times, when we're not walking or operating a vehicle, and when we're not interacting with a real person who is right in front of us.

Actually, you can make device use one of your mindfulness practices. You just need to change the way you interact with the device. Instead of multitasking, rushing to complete whatever task you're engaged in with the device, caught in your thinking in a state of mild to moderate anxiety, you can interact with devices in a much healthier way. Before using a device, pause for at least one breath, and remind yourself to be mindful while using the device. Simply keep your awareness alive to what the device feels like and what's happening in the body. It may be helpful to note occasionally in the mind, “Texting” or “Typing,” to reestablish mindfulness.

Conflict Management

Conflict is likely inevitable in the workplace. How we deal with conflict is a crucial element of the emotional climate of our teams. The first step is to remember that conflict isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

Disagreements can be very valuable because they can prevent bad ideas from being executed, and they can help refine good ideas. In fact, many great leaders invite or even demand dissenting opinions about ideas they suggest. For instance, if you've proposed an idea, you could make a rule that the meeting doesn't end until you've heard at least three ideas from team members about why that idea won't work or how it could be improved.

Conflict becomes problematic when we're not skillful in how we deliver a message, and we contribute to the arising of an unpleasant and unproductive emotion for a team member. When we notice that we've played a part in upsetting a team member, it's usually a very good use of time to help resolve the issue as soon as possible. It's clearly the kind thing to do; it's helpful for maintaining healthy, productive relationships; and it helps a team member get back to an optimal state for performance, thereby increasing productivity.

The most powerful communication tool I'm aware of for resolving conflict is known as Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. This tool is a wonderful mindfulness practice and is much more effective when we have a solid foundation in mindfulness training. In a way, the tool actually helps us guide someone else through the practice of mindfulness of emotions in a skillful, kind, empathetic way. By helping another person feel heard and become more aware of the emotion that is present for him, we help him create some space around that emotion.

The essence of the approach is to break free from any tendency we might have to defend ourselves or judge another person when we've contributed to an unpleasant emotion for her. Instead, the intention is to truly understand her point of view, give her a chance to clearly identify the emotion that's present (or was present when the interaction occurred) and to express why she feels that way, and offer a potential solution. The process is defined in four steps:

1. Making objective observations
2. Identifying emotions
3. Identifying the needs or desires or expectations that weren't met
4. Identifying a request that would meet the need, desire, or expectation

For instance, let's presume you made a comment in a meeting—“The idea we're about to discuss might make Jim lose the little hair he has left”—that was intended to lighten the mood but clearly offended the controller, Jim. The conversation afterward (or right then if it seems appropriate) might go something like the following:

Notice how we're not taking responsibility for the emotion that Jim is experiencing. We are taking responsibility for what we said and how it failed to meet a very legitimate human need: not to be belittled in front of other people. By taking just a few seconds to acknowledge the emotion Jim was experiencing, identify the need that wasn't met, help Jim feel truly heard, and agree to a request to meet that need in the future, we can help transform the emotional climate in the meeting.

Although there is clearly a template for the process of NVC, it's not meant to be a rigid framework. It's just a guide. The most important first step in resolving conflict is to ensure that the other person feels truly heard and understood. This requires us to have both the aspiration and the ability to listen and observe without making any judgments and objectively state exactly what's happening. In other words, it requires mindfulness (often defined as nonjudgmental awareness).

This nonjudgmental, objective observation is also the key to getting our needs met. For instance, let's apply the NVC approach with a potential business partner who has been late for three of the last 10 meetings we've had and has contributed to the emotion of anger arising within us.

An obviously unskillful approach would be to say something like, “Sara, you are always late. That is really unprofessional.” There's no need to attack Sara as a person. That is going to cause her to become defensive immediately. Likewise, stating that she is “always late” will cause her to become defensive because it's simply not true. She can immediately argue that. If she's defensive, she's much less likely to be willing to hear us out, much less compromise with us.

The NVC approach avoids creating any defensiveness because it involves only stating facts, our needs, and how we feel when our needs are not met. There's nothing for the other person to defend.

With the NVC approach, we might start by applying the approach to understand why she's been late. Maybe there's something deeply troublesome happening in her life. If there is, we could really deepen our relationship by having compassion for her instead of harming it by assuming she's just unprofessional.

Assuming that there isn't a strong argument for why Sara has been late, we would say something like “Sara, you have been late three out of the last 10 meetings we've had. I'm feeling a little frustrated about this. I have an expectation that people I do business with show up on time for meetings, and when that doesn't happen I feel frustrated.”

We could pause for a moment and then make a request: “Would you be willing to commit to being on time for our meetings going forward?

With this approach, there is a much better chance that Sara will hear us out and a much better chance that our needs will be met. We haven't pushed her to have to defend herself, so we haven't closed her off from empathy. This, in combination with expressing the emotion we feel, improves the likelihood that Sara will be able to empathize with us. If she can empathize with us, it's much more likely that she will be open to a reasonable request.

The NVC approach can also be extended to help two team members who are not getting along to resolve their differences. We can instruct the two parties in the structure of NVC and mediate a conversation where we help uncover facts, needs, emotions, and possible resolutions. Although it is by no means easy to do this, it is certainly worth the effort. Resolving interpersonal conflicts can significantly improve the emotional climate of a team.

The Power of Empathy

For the purposes of brevity, the two examples above of the NVC process are clearly quite sanitized versions of reality. Effectively resolving conflict almost always takes longer than a minute or two, and there is often a lot more subtlety and nuance to the conversations we have while applying the NVC approach. In fact, we can often spend a good deal of time on the first two steps alone. It can take time to help someone understand the root emotion. It can be a lot like peeling an onion.

The first time I practiced the first two steps in the process, which are very similar to a practice called reflective listening, I spent 10 minutes listening deeply to a peer talk about an issue she was dealing with in her life. I listened with my full attention until she paused. Then I reflected back a brief summary of what I heard and what emotion I thought she was feeling. She would either correct me if I was incorrect and then go deeper once she felt understood, or if I was correct, she just went deeper right away.

Each time I reflected what I heard and what I thought she was feeling, she went a little deeper and opened up a little more. After about 10 minutes, it was clear that she had resolved her own issue. There was a natural pause. I asked her, “Is there anything more you'd like to share about that?”

She smiled and said, “No. Thank you.”

It became so obvious to me that there is a lot of power inherent in the ability to just listen deeply and empathize. I didn't offer any advice or otherwise try to fix her. I just listened and helped her feel heard and understood. This allowed her to uncover the solution for herself. This is so much more empowering and satisfying than trying to solve people's problems.

In our busy lives, spending 10 minutes may sound like a long time to just listen to another person. But I can't think of a better investment of time than to deepen so significantly our relationships with the people we see every day. Relationships are so much more important both personally and professionally than most of the things we have on our to-do lists.

To better understand the approach to listening, and the many other nuances of the NVC approach, I highly, highly recommend the best-selling book Nonviolent Communication. I'm extremely confident that you will find that book one of the best investments you make. Following is an example from that book of just how powerful this approach can be and how to apply it in a challenging situation.

While presenting the NVC approach to 170 Palestinian men in a mosque at Dheisheh Refugee Camp in Bethlehem, Dr. Rosenberg noticed some murmuring in the audience. The translator told him that the men were commenting that Dr. Rosenberg was an American. Just a few seconds later, a man stood up and yelled, “Murderer!”

His shout was echoed by several others who yelled, “Assassin!” “Child killer!” “Murderer!”

Dr. Rosenberg was fortunate to have had some clues as to why the men would feel that way. On his way to the refugee camp, he had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had recently been fired into the camp. Each canister was clearly marked with the words “Made in the USA.” He was aware of the anger many refugees felt toward the United States for supplying Israel with weapons.

This awareness helped him focus his attention not on self-defense but on understanding what the man who first yelled at him was feeling and needing. Thus, he addressed the man with compassion.

He asked, “Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently?” He was just guessing. But he was making a sincere effort to understand the man.

The man replied, “Damn right I'm angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!”

“So you're furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?” Dr. Rosenberg asked.

“Do you know what it's like to live here for 27 years the way I have with my family, children, and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that's been like for us?”

“Sounds like you're feeling very desperate and you're wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it's like to be living under these conditions. Am I hearing you right?”

“You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school with no books?”

“I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here. You'd like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment…”

“That's right! The basics! Human rights. Isn't that what you Americans call it? Why don't more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you're bringing here!”

“You'd like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?” Dr. Rosenberg clarified.

The dialogue lasted for roughly 20 minutes. The man continued to express deep pain, and Dr. Rosenberg continued to listen deeply and identify the emotion and the need wrapped up in each statement. He didn't agree or disagree. He just listened with compassion.

Once the man had fully expressed his pain and felt truly heard and understood, he was able to hear Dr. Rosenberg explain why he was visiting the camp. About an hour later, the man who so recently saw Dr. Rosenberg as a murderer, and verbally attacked him, invited him to have a Ramadan dinner at his home.⁴

Respect the Belongings of Others

There are several levels to the idea of respecting the belongings of others. The most obvious is that we should not take anything from anyone that is not freely given to us. Stealing is clearly not a kind thing to do and can cause suffering for others. Stealing also has significant, adverse effects on the mind. Much like dishonesty, stealing results in all sorts of thoughts that are egocentric, revolving around the foolish endeavors of preserving and defending the false sense of self and justifying its actions. These thought patterns are not conducive to becoming and remaining mindfully self-aware.

We can certainly refine our efforts to respect the belongings of others and consider much subtler aspects of how we interact with those belongings. For instance, a fruitful practice to follow is to refrain from picking up or even touching the property of others without their permission. Many people are quite annoyed when someone walks into their office or home and starts picking things up, especially when those things are very valuable.

By making the effort to refrain from touching the property of others without their permission, we can, at a minimum, avoid annoying people. This is also another way to allow mindfulness to permeate many more moments of our lives. With this practice, each time we encounter the property of others, we are pulled out of habit and reminded to be much more intentional about what we're doing. This awakens us and requires us to remain awake.

Be Kind to All Conscious Beings

Although many of us may not value the lives of certain living beings, such as mosquitoes, rats, or cockroaches, and we may not care one bit whether they are experiencing fear, pain, or peace, we almost certainly do care about our own happiness. We may have never made the connection before being introduced to the practice of mindfulness, but how we treat even the most insignificant little flea has a great deal to do with our own happiness because our attitude affects our ability to become and remain mindfully self-aware.

The mind is a very habitual, easily conditioned computer of sorts, as we discussed earlier. The more we do something, the more likely it is that we repeat that behavior in the future and the easier it will be to do so. If we continuously act with aversion and aggression toward the world around us, even by killing annoying insects, we are conditioning the mind to act with aversion as an unconscious reaction to all experience. This is an extremely significant obstacle to becoming mindfully self-aware, which requires a curious, nonjudgmental attitude.

We are able to realize complete freedom from our habitual tendency to become the thinking mind and the ego only when we are able to accept all the thoughts and feelings that arise in the mind and body, rather than try to escape from them or annihilate them. This is not very easy to do, even if we have been practicing for some time and have excellent virtue. If we continue to condition the mind to react to the world around us with aversion, we are making a difficult task much more difficult than it needs to be.

If you are truly committed to leadership excellence, and to your own happiness, you would be extremely well served to put effort into this foundation of wisdom. As you begin to cultivate the attitude of kindness toward even the most insignificant of creatures, you will gradually notice significant change in the mind. You will find that you can peacefully coexist with your own thoughts and feelings much more easily, which is essential for success with mindfulness training.

Exercises in Kindness

Kindness is such an important element of mindfulness training that, traditionally, taking some time each day to practice generating kindness or compassion has always been a key element of the training, especially for people who experience a lot of aversion. The exercise below can be practiced during one of your sitting-still practice sessions, whether or not you are feeling aversion toward another person.