Beginning to Practice in Daily Life

A simple and enjoyable way to begin mindfulness training in our daily lives is training to sustain present-moment awareness during daily activities. We don't have to add anything to our already-busy schedules. We can just subtly change the way we do things that we already do every day so that they become part of our mindfulness training.

To begin practicing mindfulness in your daily life, I recommend that as your first step you make a list of all the simple, mundane things that you do every day in relative solitude.

The list should include things such as:

• Waking up
• Using the bathroom (at home and work)
• Washing the hands (at home and work)
• Taking a shower (including during working hours should you be so lucky as to be able to work out onsite or over a lunch break)
• Getting dressed (including during working hours should you be so lucky as to be able to work out onsite or over a lunch break)
• Brushing the teeth (including at work if you're really into great dental hygiene)
• Flossing or water picking (your dentist would agree that this should be done every day)
• Drinking water (at home and work)
• Preparing food (at home and work)
• Eating food (at home and work)
• Preparing coffee (at home and work)
• Washing the dishes (at home and at work should you wash a dish at work)
• Taking short walks, like the walk to the car or public transportation or walks to take bathroom breaks at work (These should be individual activities at first—you can eventually commit to being mindful at any time you are walking.)
• Driving
• Standing and waiting in lines
• Sitting and waiting (for the computer to boot up, for a meeting to start, etc.)
• Listening to the phone ring

There are, of course, many more activities that we engage in daily. Eventually, we may reach a point in our practice where we're making the effort to be mindfully self-aware during every moment that doesn't require us to actively plan, analyze information, or otherwise be actively engaged with the thinking mind. We'll gradually replace our current habit of becoming the thinking mind as our default mode of being with the new habit of becoming and remaining mindfully self-aware as our default mode of being. However, to start the practice, I recommend you start your list with the simple, mundane activities that don't require you to engage with others or your own thinking, such as the activities listed above.

The second step is to pick one of the activities from your list and commit to making the effort to train awareness by being mindful during that activity each time you perform it, for one week. For instance, let's imagine that you start with brushing the teeth.

What is brushing the teeth typically like for you? If you're like most people, brushing the teeth is something that you rush through to get on to what's next, and you're likely thinking about all sorts of things while you're brushing the teeth. Have you ever paused in the middle of brushing the teeth and started over because you forgot which parts of the mouth you had brushed due to being lost in thought?

Let's look at what brushing the teeth is like as a mindfulness practice and how that's different from how we normally brush the teeth. When you get ready to start brushing the teeth, you could pause for one in breath and one out breath, opening your awareness to whatever you notice right now within you or around you. This simple pause is a very important part of mindfulness training during daily activities. The pause helps reestablish mindfulness in the event you were caught in your thinking, and it also helps you mentally commit to making the effort to be mindful throughout the activity of brushing the teeth.

Your only goal when brushing the teeth should be to know that you are brushing the teeth, almost as though you are observing yourself brush the teeth, aware of what each moment of brushing the teeth is like. Thoughts will likely arise quite often during the 2 minutes recommended for brushing the teeth. That's perfectly fine and quite natural.

There's no need to push thoughts away or try to get rid of them. Your job is simply to notice when there is thinking or when there isn't, which allows you to keep from being distracted by your thinking. In any moment that you're aware of your thinking, you are not caught in that thinking, which means you can be aware of what else is happening while you brush the teeth.

You may notice what the muscles in the body feel like, what the brush feels like in the hand, what the bristles feel like on the teeth and gums, what sounds are present, or perhaps even what breathing in and out is like. You don't need to try too hard to notice these things. If you just have the curious attitude of “What's happening now? What's this moment like?” you will have achieved mindful self-awareness, and you'll be open to whatever is happening in the present moment.

You may occasionally become lost in thought. Again, this is quite natural and very likely to happen. Whenever you notice that you're lost in thought, though, you have just become mindful and self-aware again. You might like to smile to appreciate your accomplishment! This process of noticing that you've become distracted and reestablishing mindfulness is a key part of training the mind. Once reestablished, you can sustain that mindful self-awareness by once again applying the curious attitude of “What's happening now? What's this moment like?”

If you find it difficult to remember to practice, you could try leaving a little sticky note somewhere you can easily see, which can serve as a reminder to practice being mindful while brushing the teeth. Assuming you remember, after practicing in the way described above for one week, it is quite likely that you'll be able to stick with brushing the teeth as a mindfulness practice, and you should. Brushing the teeth will have become one of your anchors for mindfulness. Even if you never intentionally practice mindfulness the rest of a day, you'll at least have a few moments of training each morning and evening (or perhaps even over lunch if you're a little obsessive about oral health).

For the second week, you should continue with the practice of brushing the teeth and add another activity. Each week from that point on, you should continue with the activities you're already using for training and add another activity to your training regimen. With this approach, you will find that after just a few months you are making the effort to practice mindfulness during many moments of the day.

At this point, you may be asking, “What in tarnation does brushing the teeth have to do with leadership excellence?” That's a great question. I'm glad you asked.

The Brain Is a Habitual Machine

The brain is a very malleable machine (remember neuroplasticity), but it tends toward what is habitual. This can become a sort of vicious cycle. We favor what is comfortable, which means we're more likely to behave in that particular way. The more often we behave in a certain way, the stronger the neural pathways in the brain that are associated with that behavior become. Over time, the neural pathways become strong enough that the particular behavior becomes our default. The behavior becomes habitual.¹⁰

As we discussed in Chapter 1, the essence of mindfulness training is simply learning to be mindfully self-aware more often and eventually having the ability to be mindfully self-aware at will, whenever we like, even in the most challenging situations. By gradually transforming how we approach the activities we engage in every day, we can also gradually change our neural pathways and thereby rewire our brains so that being mindfully self-aware becomes our default during those activities. This helps lay the neural foundation for being able to remain mindfully self-aware in increasingly demanding situations.

It is our ability to sustain mindful self-awareness—and to develop increasingly refined self-awareness—that allows us to realize all the benefits described in Part 1 of this book. As we discussed in Chapter 1, making the effort to be mindfully self-aware from the beginning of an activity to the end of it, versus just being randomly mindful for a few seconds at a time, is much like intentionally running for 20 minutes at a time, versus only randomly running for a few seconds to cross the street. In the case of both mindfulness and running, only when we train to intentionally sustain the effort for longer periods do we realize the many benefits of intentional training.

Also, by developing our ability to sustain present-moment awareness without being distracted during daily activities, we develop a highly refined awareness that allows us to see both our inner and our outer worlds with much greater clarity. As we'll explore in the following chapters, this greater clarity is crucial for cultivating the wisdom that is essential for leadership excellence. Thus, there is a clear and direct connection between practicing mindfulness during simple activities, such as brushing the teeth, and rewiring the brain for leadership excellence.

The First Step to Unconditional Happiness

In addition to being an essential part of rewiring the brain for aspects of leadership excellence, such as improved business acumen, emotional intelligence, innovation, and leadership presence, practicing mindfulness during the simple moments of each day also helps us realize an aspect of leadership excellence that is often overlooked: happiness.

As we discussed in Chapter 6, happiness is also one of the primary goals of our lives. In that chapter, we introduced the idea that things external to us create only temporary happiness. What happens to us has little or no effect on our baseline level of happiness.

Pleasant things and experiences cannot bring lasting happiness because they are impermanent. Thus, the happiness that they bring is also impermanent. A new car, good food, and even personal relationships are wonderful while they last, but eventually we will lose them. This leaves us only wanting more. Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like drinking saltwater to quench our thirst—it only makes us thirstier.

Because pleasant things and experiences are not necessary to be happy, and in fact cannot provide lasting happiness, we can see that lasting happiness cannot be found in anything outside ourselves. It has to come from within. This is why I call this type of happiness unconditional. It does not depend on any external condition being met.

Have you ever thought about why we don't experience such unconditional happiness in every moment? I believe that it is very important for us to understand exactly what keeps us from realizing happiness. Increased awareness of the cause of the problem helps us better understand and apply the remedy for our dilemma.

When we look closely enough, we discover that the reason we do not experience satisfaction from moment to moment lies within ourselves. We find that our dissatisfaction is a result of a lack of space around thinking.

We habitually cling to and become the thoughts that arise in the mind, which leaves no space around them. When there is no space around these thoughts, they have a huge effect on our happiness. If our thoughts are good, we feel satisfied. If they are bad, we feel unsatisfied, stressed out, or downright miserable.

At the simplest level, we can see that our dissatisfaction is the result of a lack of space around the comparisons the mind makes between our experience here and now and our memories of all the pleasant things that we have had or done or our hopes for a better future. Of course, because our present-moment experience could almost always be more pleasant, it often pales in comparison to our pleasant thoughts of the past or future. As a result, we are not satisfied in the present moment.

However, if instead of identifying with these comparative thoughts, we see them objectively and have some space around them, they don't have the power to obscure the truth that the present moment is actually perfect just the way it is. My first deep realization of this was during my time in confinement and actually occurred while I was brushing the teeth. While brushing the teeth with sustained mindfulness for a minute or so, I found myself smiling. I was no longer in prison. I was just brushing the teeth, and there was simply nothing wrong with that moment. It was perfect.

I have since had countless experiences of realizing the perfection of the present moment in mundane situations that you likely experience daily, such as sitting in traffic. The problem with sitting in traffic is created by the thinking in the mind that keeps reminding us that we're going to be late and that we'd like to move faster, both of which are completely out of our control. But, if we're not caught in the thinking that compares the experience of sitting in traffic to thoughts of arriving on time or moving faster, what's wrong with it? There's nothing wrong with it. It's just sitting in a car.

In fact, let's take it a step further. Let's imagine that we just came into existence right in that moment. We would probably find the experience of sitting in the car quite miraculous. We would think, “Wow! I can see things. I can hear things. I can feel my feet on the floor. I can feel my hands on the steering wheel. I'm in this human body that is breathing. There's a heartbeat. There are thoughts coming and going. This is incredible!”

Why isn't every moment like that?

It's simple, right? Our minds ruin such moments. The mind automatically starts comparing the present experience to thoughts of the past or future. “Well, sitting here in this car is okay, but we're just crawling and I'm going to be late! If I could only go faster, things would be so much better and I would be happy.” All of our dissatisfaction is created by the mind.

In Chapter 1 we discussed the research of Harvard PhD Matt Killingsworth, which showed that the 2,250 people in the study reported that their minds wandered nearly 47 percent of the time. The research also suggests that such mind wandering is a significant cause of unhappiness. This was true even when people were experiencing something unpleasant, such as sitting in traffic during a commute. We might think that we would be happier in a traffic jam if we allowed the mind to wander off to some tropical island. However, the people in the study who were fully present with the activity of commuting reported being significantly happier than people who allowed their minds to wander, even when those thoughts were pleasant.

This habit of mind wandering and looking elsewhere for happiness is likely a very old one for most of us. The neural pathways associated with that habit are likely very, very strong.

When we were in middle school, we likely said, “Once I get to high school, then I'll be living. Then I'll be happy.” Once there we said, “When I graduate and go to college or start my dream job, then I'll be living.” Once there, we need a better career. Then, many of us struggle through every workweek, hoping that the weekend will bring us happiness. Next, we need a spouse, then kids. Once we have the spouse and kids, we might long for the freedom we felt during the college days. Right now we might feel as though if we could just get or do the next thing, then we'd finally be happy.

However, this is only an illusion if the mind still habitually looks to the past or the future for happiness. If we don't change our minds, we are destined to continue the lifelong habit. Even when we don't wish we were elsewhere, the good times will always end, and if we still rely on external conditions for our happiness, we'll be unhappy when they do.

Conversely, if we can develop the ability to be satisfied with the present moment, even during mundane moments, then when we're with loved ones, we will be fully there with them and be more able to accept them as they are. When we're at work, we'll be fully at work instead of wishing we were elsewhere. We'll enjoy whatever we do much more completely, and our lives will be much more fulfilling.

Fortunately, our habitual tendency to cling to and become our comparative thinking is not how we started off in this world. This tendency is something that has come about through conditioning. When we observe infants during their first few months, we see that as long as their basic needs are met, they are perfectly happy just to be alive and breathing. They appear to live in a veritable heaven on Earth. Before developing object permanence, infants' moment-to-moment experience is not likely corrupted by thoughts of the past and future.¹¹ Thus, for the infant, each mundane moment is perfect.

This infant mind is essentially our original mind. We experienced this heaven on Earth for many months before our minds began filling up with memories and comparative thinking, which began pulling us around with increasing frequency. As this pull became stronger, we in turn became less contented. We required more complicated, pleasant experiences to realize the happiness that we used to realize during nearly every moment.

Now, for many of us, true happiness is realized only for brief instances, flashes of complete satisfaction and wholeness that we cannot describe. The rest of our time consists of a never-ending search through the outside world for something that we've always had within ourselves.

However, if we can train ourselves to see comparative thinking objectively, which creates some space around it, whatever we are doing in the present moment will be much more satisfying and potentially even perfect. Each moment has the potential to reveal its perfection. We only need to train ourselves to realize this. The practice of mindfulness allows us to do just that!

A Win-Win-Win Paradigm Shift

Those of us who tend to be skeptical may be thinking, “I agree that we could realize happiness during any normal moment, but what about during the extreme moments when life is really frightening, depressing, or painful?” This is an excellent question, which will be addressed thoroughly in the coming chapters. For now, let's consider the fact that for most people reading this book only about five percent of our entire lives are extremely pleasurable and exciting, and only five percent of the moments are extremely painful or difficult. The vast majority of life, probably more than 90 percent of it, consists of simple, neutral moments, such as walking, standing, sitting, using the toilet, and so on. Most of us become easily bored during such moments, and we rush to get them over with—adding to the anxiety that we experience each day—so we can get back to the seemingly exciting moments of life. This means that we are anxiously skipping over the vast majority of our lives in our rush toward the future—a future that is not guaranteed for any of us. This increase in anxiety also inhibits our ability to effectively accomplish whatever we do next.

Are you beginning to realize what an incredible paradigm shift can occur simply by practicing mindfulness during your daily activities?

When we are mindful during the mundane activities in our lives, we transform those moments into useful opportunities to rewire our brains for leadership excellence. They also become opportunities to let go of at least a little bit of the anxiety that can build up during a workday, which improves performance on both the current and upcoming tasks. Perhaps most important, these mundane moments become opportunities to realize unconditional happiness right now, in the present moment, and they become joyful reminders that complete satisfaction is always available during the simple moments of our lives.

With mindfulness, each act can become an opportunity to touch the perfection of the present moment. Those of us who regularly practice mindfulness often realize complete satisfaction, and even joy, during simple, neutral moments, such as standing in lines, eating rather bland food, waiting for a meeting to start, and changing the paper in the printer. And moments that are inherently pleasant—being in the company of loved ones, accomplishing something great at work, eating good food, watching a sunset—seem amplified by the practice of mindfulness.

Have you ever noticed how rich and vivid an experience seems to be during a slow-motion scene in a movie? In slow motion, even in a simple scene, such as walking into a room, everything seems more vivid. We notice little details that we don't normally notice. With sustained mindfulness, we often experience moments with this type of surreal vividness, almost as though we're in a slow-motion scene in a movie. With mindfulness, a glimpse of a leaf blowing in the wind can be a magical experience that evokes joy.

Although our daily practice may start with just one or two simple, mundane activities, over time mindfulness begins to permeate more and more moments of each day. Whenever it's not necessary for us to be actively engaged in planning, analyzing, or otherwise intentionally thinking, we find that we incline toward being mindfully self-aware. Mindfulness becomes a new habit—the ultimate habit for personal and professional success.

One of my clients is a large dental practice management company. The president of the company discovered a major turning point in his practice as a result of focusing more on practicing mindfulness during daily activities. He noticed that as mindfulness started to permeate activities such as hiking on the weekends and doing the dishes after dinner, he started to enjoy the practice more. It became less of something he had to do to improve as a leader, and more of something he did just to enjoy doing it.

He also realized that the time he spends practicing mindfulness in his personal life makes it easier to practice while at work during activities such as attending meetings, planning, sending e-mails, and listening to team members. He saw a clear connection between doing the dishes and improving his leadership skills. He also realized that while he was doing the dishes, the most important thing he could do to realize happiness, become a better leader, and be more present for his family was to let go of any desire to achieve anything—even the desire to have clean dishes—and just be fully engaged with the activity of washing the dishes.

Ironically, this is also the best way to have clean dishes. We do a much better job of cleaning the dishes when we really pay attention to what we're doing. Of course, this is true for any activity. By temporarily letting go of our desire to achieve a certain outcome and instead being fully engaged with the task we're currently working on, the outcome is much better than when we're wasting mental energy thinking about what we hope to achieve.

If we want to achieve an optimal result in any endeavor, a good general formula to follow is to set goals that excite us and encourage us to begin and stick with activities that help us achieve those goals. But, in the moments when we're engaged in the activities that help us reach our goals, we should be 100 percent engaged in the activity at hand. This formula is absolutely essential for success with mindfulness training.

I cannot stress enough how important this point is. The most important thing we can do to realize the benefits of mindfulness training discussed in this book is let go of the desire to achieve those benefits in any moment we're engaged in the practice. Our lives are filled with moments of striving. We must learn to balance those moments with more moments of mindfulness, of nonstriving, of being completely open to what is actually happening. The more often we do that, the more often we realize the perfection of the present moment and the sooner we'll see impacts on our leadership skills.