‘They can because they think they can.’

Virgil, Roman poet

This chapter covers:

• the concept of self-confidence and why it is a critical attribute for leadership
• self-belief and positive reinforcement – the first building blocks of self-confidence
• why fear holds you back and how to overcome this stumbling block to progress.

What do these examples tell us? Making your own decisions as to what you can or cannot do, believing in your self-worth and letting go of your fears are important attitudes of mind for leaders.

They are also great confidence boosters. Self-confidence is the driver to achieving great things, taking risks and challenging the status quo. It is one of the key elements allowing innovation to happen and also generates a high level of influence on others. The aura or energy of a self-confident person usually draws others towards them, as they become a source of inspiration and a role model. Having self-confidence is very helpful for getting people’s buy in and motivating them.

Most successful CEOs ooze self-confidence and it is the foundation of solid leadership. Marshall Goldsmith, the author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (Profile Books, 2008), argues that self-confidence is usually grossly overlooked in leadership programmes and literature.

The three cornerstones of self-esteem

Self-worth or self-esteem are fundamental building blocks when it comes to gaining self-confidence. Who in today’s volatile, complex and uncertain world would follow you if you didn’t believe in yourself? Building self-esteem is a long-term process. It often requires you to deconstruct patterns formed during childhood. It can be achieved by mastering control of your own perceptions, developing the healthy habit of filtering and reframing events and your ideas about failure. Finally, it requires you to embrace and advocate positive reinforcement.

It is well known from psychological studies that self-confidence and self-esteem are built mostly during the early stages of your childhood. Often education and parenting emphasise what attitudes should be avoided to stay safe and, consequently, impose constraints on young children, the effects of which often last into adulthood. Moving towards a strong belief in yourself involves overcoming or deconstructing those years of natural programming and changing your perspective.

Your perception is your reality

Believing you are great at what you do, being convinced that you can achieve anything that your heart or your mind desires are important attitudes to develop quickly in your leadership journey.

Human beings build their own mental prisons and have a hard time understanding that they have the power to break free from them any time they please. Being able to recalibrate your own perception of yourself and imprint a better one requires you to focus on your strengths and systematically take stock of the positive aspects of any experience. This is what self-esteem or self-worth is about.

Build on your strengths

This helps you to create a positive feeling about yourself. The aim is to change your internal ‘parental’ voice from, ‘I cannot’ and ‘I should not’ to the liberating ‘I can’ and to do this because you feel you have the capacity or intellectual ability to do so. It is also useful to change your perception of failure. Because you are purposefully focusing on what you are good or gifted at, failure becomes a less and less likely event.

Systematically take stock of positive aspects of any experiences

This is the next step. It helps you to project or create a future where everything is possible for you. By building your inventory of positive experience and success, you are freeing yourself from your own limitations.

Imagine you are going out on to a ski slope for the first time. It is a black run slope and you are a bit scared about it. If you start thinking, ‘I am going to fall, I am going to fall’, it is highly likely you will end up falling. If, instead, you consciously recall that this slope looks very similar to the slope you went on the day before, and you managed just fine because you took long turns and avoided the bumpy part, it is quite likely you will not fall at all.

Focus on the positive

Negative experiences are to be expected in any career. How you choose to react to failure – consider it a learning opportunity or not – is entirely your choice, but it can make a huge difference to your level of self-worth. Two words need to be at the top of your mind when dealing with failure or negative events: perspective and filtering.

Perspective

This is the state of your mind and it can easily be changed by shedding a different light on failure or negative feedback. Do this by asking yourself these two questions:

• What have I done right?
• What have I learned?

Replacing asking ‘What have I done wrong?’ with the above questions will help you to analyse failure by focusing on the positive aspects of it. This will help you to rebalance the experience and recover quickly. That is because the eye sees what the mind sees. So, reframing your reactions to negative experiences will help your self-confidence.

View any situation as an experiment, a way for you to grow. Believing in yourself comes from trusting your abilities. Only when your abilities have been tested can you start to trust them. So, all experiences, good or bad, help you to build your inventory of abilities, which in turn develops your self-confidence. Learning to ask ‘What have I learned?’ will also allow you to invite feedback more readily and naturally.

Filtering

This is the next important building block. Shaky self-confidence comes from listening to harsh assessments or words from individuals who are either relatively close – such as a friend or family member – and/or highly respected – such as a manager, mentor or role model.

It is natural to swallow their feedback whole, but exercising your filters will help you to stay immune to negative feedback and assess which to classify as relevant and valid and which to ignore. Inherently, it is a matter of applying the following thoughts as filters to any negative comments:

• ‘Everyone is entitled to their opinion’
• ‘Some of their opinions may be wrong because no one can be always right’
• ‘These particular opinions represent a data point rather than an absolute truth’.

You can develop your filtering ability by asking yourself the following question when faced with negative feedback, unfair comments or any situation that has had an impact on you:

• ‘Is this the first time I am receiving this type of feedback?’

Apply this questioning process to your professional and personal lives to come up with different instances. If the answer is ‘yes’, just let it go – reframe it as a one-off and move on. If the answer is ‘no’, then try to recall the specifics and timings of the previous similar situations. If you then start to realise that you have received recurring feedback on this area, make a note to yourself to address the issue in your action plan.

Applying filters does not mean that you have to discard all the negative feedback you are given. It merely helps you cultivate your ability to choose what feedback is relevant and what is not and stay in control of your self-confidence, even when receiving criticism.

Become a strong advocate of positive reinforcement

From a psychological perspective, positive reinforcement helps crystallise a feeling of empowerment and recognition. Individuals thrive when they regularly experience this feeling, then when repeating the behaviour that led to it. It is also a strong enabler of self-confidence.

Consider reflecting on the following question on a weekly basis as this will greatly help reinforce your self-esteem by means of positive reinforcement:

• What can I be proud of this week?

Your answers might range from having handled a difficult discussion with a subordinate to having convinced a difficult customer or simply be that you managed to complete everything you had set yourself to do this week.

As a parting comment, a high level of self-esteem is essential if you are to appear to be a self-confident leader. However, self-esteem should not be mistaken for arrogance. A self-confident leader is not a ‘know it all’, but someone who is at ease with him- or herself, fully aware of his or her own abilities as well as limitations. Leaders with self-confidence are fully capable of adjusting their perspectives to cope with varied and significant events. They focus on what they can control and let go of the rest. They have enough inner strength to calibrate feedback.

Letting go of your fears

Fear is a primal instinct that gives our body a way of signalling danger. It helps us stay alive and safe. In today’s world, fear is the only thing that can hold a person back. Fear may prevent someone from reaching what it is they really want or, at times, unlocking their real potential.

Freeing yourself from your fears starts with understanding the different categories of fears any individual can face. You then need to reflect on and identify what it is you are most fearful of and, more importantly, why. Spending time assessing what you can reasonably envisage overcoming and what you will have to accept and deal with is the next step. Finally, once you have established what your biggest fears are, you can proactively design an action plan to either keep them in check or build your comfort level to free yourself from fear.

Fear is simply the anticipation that something is going to happen soon that needs to be prepared for. Anthony Robbins in his book, Awaken the Giant Within (Pocket Books, 2001) states ‘Nothing makes anyone more uncomfortable than fear’. Joseph Murphy states in The Power of our Subconscious Mind (Wilder, 2008) ‘Fear is man’s greatest enemy.’

Leadership is about inspiring others, being a role model and, at times, demonstrating decisiveness and courage. Mastering one’s own fears is a part of a leader’s learning. Even if it is an uncomfortable moment, even if it feels counter-intuitive, acknowledging that you, as a leader, can be afraid is ultimately liberating. Addressing and confronting your fears is not only a huge confidence booster but also part of learning to get in touch with your vulnerability. Accepting and at times showing your vulnerability can help you to connect more deeply with your team.

Understanding the whole picture: the seven fears

A course on behavioural management held at the Erasmus University in Rotterdam described the seven specific fears standing between any individual and true freedom. These are also addressed in Napoleon Hill’s best-selling book on personal success, Think and Grow Rich (Wilder, 2008).

Fear of failure

This is the irrational fear that we will not succeed. It is often the cause of procrastination – an important derailer of delivery and execution for leaders.

Fear of failure is based on a number of factors, including uncertainty about the future, upsetting others and devaluing one’s own or, as explored below, others’ fundamental fears. It is also acknowledged that fear of failure is largely triggered by social pressures and the cultural environment.

Guillaume Gauthereau, enthusiastic French émigré to New York City and founder of Totsy.com – a private sales website aimed at mothers with young children and one of the top five fast-growing ventures on the east coast in the USA – puts it this way:

‘Having been educated in a French culture, but having lived for most of my professional life in the US, I have experienced first hand how failure is stigmatised on one side of the pond and merely considered a normal route to success on the other. At times, failure is even praised as the true success of your trial and error period’.

Fear of solitude

This fear can be rooted in a variety of experiences, from fear of death to sad or lonely experiences in childhood. It is characterised by the urge to be constantly among others. It encourages you to remain distracted and creates a state of self-avoidance in the person’s mindset.

Fear of public speaking

In their book … And Death Came Third, Lopata and Roper (Ecademy Press, 2011) explain that this comes from a fear of sharing your thoughts. The idea of sending a message to the world is utterly threatening, as it makes individuals truly exposed. It draws on a complex mix of fear of being listened to and deemed to be not smart enough, fear of not having something innovative or worth saying and the fear of not being heard at all. Public speaking represents the ultimate risk of being heard and, therefore, judged.

Fear of criticism

This is destructive of self-reliance and individuality. It is another form of the fear mentioned above of being judged or deemed not good enough. Fear of criticism is often described as a learned behaviour rooted in socialisation. People ache for a sense of belonging, the need to be part of a group. The fear of criticism is the fear of being ostracised or excluded from the group. It also relates to the pressing need to conform.

Fear of success

This is commonly found with sportspeople. A tennis player, for example, performs superbly for most of the match. At the critical moment, she suddenly makes mistake after mistake, losing point after point. Sports commentators refer to this situation as ‘fear of winning’. When, in our example, the tennis player is so close to reaching her objectives, doubts creep in, paralysing her abilities, impairing thought and the ability to act on winning strategies. This happens because people often shy away from success as it comes with expectations, responsibilities and pressure.

Fear of being hurt

This is usually considered one of the deepest fears, affecting both professional and personal lives. It is usually referred to as a fear of being loved or simply a fear of living. Like the fear of criticism, it stems from the need to belong and be accepted for what you are. Like fear of uncertainty, too, it is triggered by a need to control or an inability to let go.

Fear of the unknown or uncertainty

This fear is often defined as an aversion to risk and the anxiety of not knowing the potential outcome of every decision. It is often demonstrated by a need to control every part of the environment or every part of your life. Fear of the unknown can lead to a fake sense of danger and trigger dictatorial, almost obsessive, types of behaviour.

It is interesting that there is a high level of interdependency with these different fears. For instance, the fear of public speaking is linked to the fear of failure. One fear can act as a trigger for another – for instance, your fear of being hurt may trigger a fear of criticism. How to combat or let go of these fears will be addressed later in this chapter.

Assessing your ‘fear factor’

As professionals and human beings, individuals are the sum of their experiences, good or bad. Specific behaviours or beliefs are unknowingly hardwired within individuals. Spending time consciously and purposefully reflecting on fear is instrumental in deconstructing behaviours that can be detrimental to self-confidence and leadership. In other words, confronting fear is a way to address parts of our psyche that we do not know or do not want to know.

The best way to summarise and then address your fear factor is by means of a sequence of questioning and analysing, followed by the creation of a comprehensive action plan.

Questioning and analysing

Your questioning should be articulated around the following three fundamental questions:

• What am I afraid of or what do I fear most?
• Why am I afraid or where does this come from?
• What am I prepared to do to free myself from fears?

These questions address the need to clearly articulate and express your fears, which is the first step to being able to overcome them. They help you to analyse the rationale of your fears whenever possible, which will prove useful in assessing what is actionable and what is not (or, indeed, when you might require professional help). While reflecting on the above questions, keep in mind the seven fears described above. This will help to trigger your thinking and guide you as you categorise your findings.

Finally, these questions call for you to take an action-orientated approach – in other words, commit to doing something about your fears and, ultimately, enable you to craft a fit-for-purpose action plan.

An action plan

Working on your fears is not easy. The best approach is to focus on either the most limiting fear or the one you think will be easiest to overcome. Figure 4.1 may help you to choose what you want to focus on first.

Clearly focus on the top right-hand corner of Figure 4.1 and reflect on what would be the best actions you could take to address your fears. These could be to expose yourself to your fears more in order to increase your comfort level with them, factor in additional training or simply reframe and systematically change your perspective on them. Whatever you decide, make your plan tangible by considering the frequency with which you will take action and think of people who might be able to help you with this process – your feedback group is a good place to start.

Since most fears are interrelated, if you proactively work on overcoming your top fear you will naturally address some of your minor fears as well.

When you start to work on your fears, it might be difficult to assess and measure results, which might not come to you either easily or straight away. One option is to reach out regularly to your feedback group and, specifically, ask for their help in assessing whether or not you appear more self-confident or if they see other changes in you.

Overcoming the seven fears

Here are some simple ways to overcome some of the commonest fears. This list of practical actions essentially builds on the reframing and filtering techniques explored above.

Failure

Simply accept the idea of failure and reframe it as continuous learning. This will lead to risk-taking and innovation – critical parts of a leader’s role.

Solitude

Think rationally. Mobile phones, e-mails, chat clients and voice over enable individuals to be reachable, communicate, share and be engaged at all times. In our modern society, there is no such a thing as solitude, unless we proactively seek it out. So, being alone expresses your choice as an individual to withdraw.

To overcome the fear of solitude, consider counting your blessings – think about your family, your friends and the last time someone called you just to say, ‘Hi.’

Consider reaching out and communicating to reverse the cycle. Send a message into the world and something will come back.

Public speaking

Believing in yourself is the first step.

Any time you experience a fear of public speaking or a more general fear of expressing yourself, reframe the situation as being the opportunity to share your thoughts, have an impact or change the world. These activities are an intrinsic part of being a leader.

Find role models and collect examples that inspire you to remember the importance of expressing your opinions.

Criticism

Accept this fear as you become aware of it. It is at best a data point, at worst a trend you are either already aware of and working on or you need to reflect on and address.

Above all, try to avoid obsessing about it. Do not give others power over you – consider criticism a test of your ability to rebound.

Success

Assessing what it is you really want is an important part of overcoming the fear of success. Understanding what you can handle happening is also an important step in overcoming this fear.

Change your perspective – success is earned. Success is the result of your hard work, not the outcome of luck or other uncontrollable factors. Remember that you are the author of your own success.

Keep any sense of guilt about your achievements at bay and commit to working on your personal development every day. Commit also to growing and celebrating your success.

Being hurt

Being hurt and feeling pain are an inherent part of life and cannot be avoided.

Change your perspective on it – what matters is turning the pain into something positive. With every difficult or painful experience comes an opportunity to learn about yourself and others.

Consider all experiences of pain as opportunities to learn.

The unknown or uncertainty

Rationalise the situation. It is truly impossible to control everything at all times, so you cannot predict every possibility in every situation. Accept this and let go of your fear.

Make an effort to focus on the present. The present is the only tangible thing and the only time when you can truly have an impact. The past is already gone and can only give you regrets. The future is in the making and can only give you worries. Only the here and the now matter.

If this is not enough to banish your fear, listen to ancient wisdom – Horace’s Carpe Diem (Ode, 1.11) – to the Jewish teaching, ‘If not now, then when?’ (Pirkey Avoth, 1.14) and embrace every moment. Do what you can to live today, to be the best you can be today and try again every day.

Summary

Gaining self-confidence asks of you that you go to the core of who you are and not only work on reprogramming some of your more fundamental patterns but also confront your fears. Even more so than when building self-awareness, gaining self-confidence requires discipline, patience and constant observation.

Being aware is what matters – a heightened awareness is the sign of a leader.

When uncertain or in doubt, the following two quotes may be helpful:

‘The less you bet, the more you lose when you lose.’

Estelle Clark, piano-playing Group Business Assurance Director for Lloyd’s Register

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” … There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do … And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles (Thorsons, 1996)

Here’s a reminder of some of the key points from this chapter:

• know your strengths and build on them – you are the sum of your strengths, they are the core of your self-confidence, assess them and keep them in mind at all times
• everything is a question of perspective and you are in control of how you let negative feedback or experiences impact you – reframe any negative feedback in terms of how frequently it occurs and its relevance
• failure is only an opportunity to learn – there is nothing wrong with failing, as without doing so, you cannot assess the limits of what you can or cannot do
• do not take isolated negative feedback as reality – nothing is ever as dark as you think and grounding feedback in real-life examples is key to distancing yourself from it and changing your perceptions
• reframe, reframe and reframe – develop and start exercising your filters
• acknowledge your fears – it is the best way to start conquering them – but this will require you to be honest and realistic, building on the inquisitive self-questioning techniques set out earlier
• be proactive in confronting your fears, crafting a realistic action plan – the key is to multiply experiences to expand your comfort zones
• do not hesitate to ask for help anywhere you can, including friends, family and colleagues – read books and make sure you keep up the momentum with any development work.