Index
abilities, see skills
accomplishments, revisiting, 36
action plan for giving, 196–197
active listening, 122
advice, 194–196
seeking, 155–157
aggressive energy, 75
aloofness, vs. shyness, 48
Angle style, 51
Armstrong, Lance, 177
articles, sharing, 192–194
assertiveness, 8
association, 133
building positive, 168–169
assumptions, avoiding, 55, 118
attitudes, and authenticity, 17–18
authentic self, 6
response to, 12
starting to identify, 11–12
achieving, 12–14
key points, 25
living the law, 17–19
meaning of, 10–11
mood memory and, 159
of others, openness to, 21–22
why it matters, 12
authenticity test, 14–15
awareness
of assets, 29
of energy knowledge, 79
best friend, being your own, 37–38
BlackBerrys, 172
body language, 27, 58, 64, 150
awareness of, 59–60
context for, 74
listening to, 117
mind and, 62
and mood memory, 149
self-doubt and, 60
translation issues, 65
bowing, in Japan, 65
business cards, Japanese presentation of, 65
celebrating small stuff, 41–42
chat, in Facebook, 175
children
honesty of, 14
questions about, 98–99
choices, want vs. should, 17
Circle style, 51
clarifying probe, 106
clients
loyalty, 161
patience in gaining, 201–202
repeat business from, 215
closing conversation, determining timing for, 122
clothes
to communicate inner state, 43
impact, 64
coaching, 90
collaborations, styles and, 52
colleagues, interacting with difficult, 21
college friendships, 15–16
Columbia Women in Business (CWIB) conference, 184, 189
commonalities, see similarities
communications
inconsistent, 57–58
vocal and visual behaviors, 61
compliments, 62, 102–104, 154–155
congratulations, 170–171
building by listening, 117
curiosity for creating, 94–96
fulfilling needs and, 185
for giving, 188–189
importance of, 131
patience in making, 206
recording details, 171
searching social networking sites for, 176
trust from multiple, 167–168
contact, maintaining, 164–165
context, 79–84
conversation
compliments in, 102–104
curiosity and, 93
determining timing for closing, 122
knowing when to end, 157–159
shifting topic, 124
starting, 93–94, see also questions
credibility, 182
cultures, and personal space, 151
curiosity, 92–111
connections created by, 94–96
key points, 111
maintaining, 108
see also questions
customers, see clients
decision process, in style assessment, 49–50
defensiveness, from why questions, 106
deleting undesirable tasks, 19
destructive energy, response to, 76–77
dialogue, with Twitter, 177
distractions, 122–125
notes for eliminating, 123
drained, vs. tired, 10
Einstein, Albert
on curiosity, 92
on insanity, 72
elaboration, encouraging, 107
employee allegiance, 161
ending conversation, knowing when, 157–159
energy, 68–87
from clothing choices, 43
as contagious, 70
evaluating how it serves, 84–85
feedback on, 81–82
finding, 71–74
key points, 87
in networking, 85–86
options for responding to challenging, 76–77
from others, 73–74
persona and, 80–81
power of, 74–76
energy knowledge, 79–84
of others, 82–84
energy shift, 73
helping with, 77
and mood memory, 152
entrepreneurship, 184–185
errors, in first impressions, 48
events
creating, 191–192
informing others about, 189–190
exercises, choosing words to define you, 32–34
expansion probe, 107
for friendships, 145–146
letting go of, 203–204
experiences
connection from parallel, 135–136
as reference points, 121
external framing, 39
extracting from difficult situation, 77
and positive mood memories, 150
eyes, listening with, 116, 121–122
notifications, 180
profile, 179
profile pictures from, 172
status updates, 180
vocabulary, 178
wall, 181
fairness, 203
familiarity, 166–183
continuing to develop, 169–171
key points, 183
trust from, 167–168
see also social networking sites
fear
about professional life, 26
of unknown, 40
feedback
on energy, 81–82
from others, 33–34
feelings
continuation after experience, 146, see also mood memory
sharing, 153–155
Ferriss, Tim, 177
Finn, Joan A., 35
first impressions, 55–56
errors in, 48
flattery, 102
focus, in active listening, 122
follow-up, 170
by helping, 187
foreign policy, asking opinions on, 100
framing, 149
thoughts to success, 38–39
Fredericks, James L., 130
free writing, 33
friendships, 209–211
expectations, 145–146
making those you want, 15–17
time for growth, 209–211
gender, and nodding, 151
Giannini, John, 34
giving, 184–200
connections for, 188–189
key points, 200
opportunities for, 188, 207–209
and receiving, 197–198
without expecting return, 186
good, finding, 22–23
Google Alerts, 173
Googling, before meeting, 109–110
Gould, Daniel, 34
groups
creating, 190–191
in LinkedIn, 176
handshake, 65
Hazlitt, William, 68
help, need for, 186
Hodge, Kenneth, 34
home base knowledge, 12
honesty, of children, 14
hypothetical questions, 100–101
impressions, 46–47
information sharing, 192–194
inner voice, 35, see also self-talk
inquiry, see questions
insanity, Einstein on, 72
internal framing, 39
international clients, 65
Internet, see social networking sites
interpretation of comments, avoiding assumptions, 118
interrogation, avoiding, 107–108
interviewing techniques, 59, 68
introductions, 181, 188–189, 205
intuitive listening, 121
in professional settings, 119
invitations, 189–192
inward listening, 115–116
Japan, greetings in, 65
job hunt, similarities and, 143
job interview, 9–10
attitudes for, 42–43
job positions, 176
“just say it” strategy, 123, 152–154
knowledge, sharing, 194
layoffs, 161
Lazarsfeld, Paul, 166
Lieberman, Simma, 151
life-and-death situations, 153
likability, 214–215
consideration of, 1–2
tapping into, 3
lingo, of social networking, 178–181
LinkedIn, 133–134, 173, 175–176, 191
Network update, 180
notifications, 180–181
profile, 179
profile pictures from, 172
vocabulary, 178
active, 122
effectiveness of, 120–122
expansion probe and, 107
with eyes, 121–122
impact of, 114
improving, 126
key points, 129
as skill, 113
strengths, 125–126
traits, 127
for understanding, 114–115
as win-win, 127–128
listening levels, 115–120
intuitive listening, 117–120, 121
inward listening, 115–116
outward listening, 117
loyalty of customers, 161
lunches, hosting, 204
management styles, similarities with professional attitudes, 130–131
meeting people, 2
Mehrabian, Albert, 150
Silent Messages, 58
member, of social network, 179
memory, reliving feelings of, 147
mentor/mentee relationship, 156
mind and body, 62
mirrored reaction, 6–7
mirroring, 141–142
misperceptions, reducing, 55
mixed messages, 57
Mizner, Wilson, on listening, 112
mood levels, shift in, 79
authenticity and, 159
corporate application, 160–161
creating good vibrations, 148
ending conversation with positive, 158
and energy shift, 152
key points, 162
negative, 147–148
Neethling Brain International (NBI), 49
negative attitudes, emphasizing, 63
negative energy, response to, 76–77
negative listening behavior, 126
negative mood memory, eliminating, 147–148
negative self-perceptions, 30
negative self-talk, 34
managing, 37
application, 23–24
energy in, 85–86
see also social networking sites
news articles, sharing, 192–194
nodding, 151
notes, for eliminating distractions, 123
notifications, in social networking sites, 180–181
objective for personal interaction, 2–3
obstacles, response to, 41
open-ended questions, 96–97
open mind, 55–57
openness to authenticity of others, 21–22
opinions
questions on, 99–100
validating, 133
opportunities for giving, 188
organizations, listing participation in, 138–139
others
energy from, 73–74
energy knowledge of, 82–84
feedback from, 33–34
openness to authenticity of, 21–22
Outlook search tool, 171
outward listening, 117
parallel life experiences, connection from, 135–136
paraphrasing, 106
passion, shared, 137
patience, 201–213
key points, 213
in relationships, 211
pause in speaking, 61
perceptions, 45–67
choosing, 47–48
key points, 67
and reality, 28
verbalizing, 118
permission, asking before giving advice, 196
persona, energy and, 80–81
personal disclosure, 193, see also self-disclosure
personal interaction, objective for, 2–3
personal space, and positive mood
memories, 151
personality types, 49
Peterson, Kirsten, 34
positive
accentuating, 39–41
focus on, 40
positive energy, 71
positive framing, 63
positive self-talk, 35
praise, 154–155
priorities, 52
privacy settings, on social networking sites, 178
probing questions, 78–79, 105–107
process, breaking into small steps, 41–42
professional attitudes, similarities with management styles, 130–131
professional life, fears about, 26
professional settings, intuitive listening in, 119
professional worth, 26–28
profile, online, 178
qualities, recognizing, 31–32
questions, 96–104
avoiding interrogation, 107–108
about children, 98–99
generic/personal inquiry, 97–99
hypothetical, 100–101
about the news, 104
open-ended, 96–97
on opinions, 99–100
probing, 105–107
seeking advice, 101–102
suggestive or probing, 78–79
about weather, 98
why, 106
quid pro quo, 203
rational probe, 106
reality, and perceptions, 28, 48–53
reciprocity, 198
lack of, 203
reference points, experiences as, 121
reframing tasks, 18–19
reframing thoughts to success, 38–39
regards, sending, 181–182
relationships
dynamics, 70
listening to build, 127
mentor/mentee, 156
openness to new, 90–91
starting, 3
see also friendships
reputation, 205
research, 109
Robbins, Tom, 45
Savile, George, 201
self, projecting best parts, 29
self-acknowledgment, 63
self-criticism, 28
self-disclosure, 193
curiosity and, 137–138
and finding commonalities, 135
listening and, 116
in style assessment, 50
self-fulfilling prophecy, 72, 203
self-image, 26–44
importance of, 30–31
key points, 44
strengthening, 43
self-messages, replacing negative with positive, 37
self-talk, 34–35
managing negative, 37
selfless actions, return on, 204
sensitivity, in giving advice, 195–196
shyness, 20
vs. aloofness, 48
Silent Messages (Mehrabian), 58
similarities, 130–144
common causes, 136–138
finding, 134
job hunt and, 143
key points, 144
and liking people, 132
professional attitudes with management styles, 130–131
to set mood, 142
and trust, 133
uncovering, 133–138
visible, 140–142
skills
feelings of lack, 27
focus on, 40
recognizing, 31–32
sharing, 194
slouching, 61
small stuff, celebrating, 41–42
smile
authenticity and, 9
and positive mood memories, 150
social networking sites, 133–134, 173–178
lingo of, 178–181
Xobni and, 172
spam, vs. valuable information, 194
speaker, questions on, 99–100
stance, and communication, 61
Straight Line style, 51
strangers, complimenting, 62
style matrix, charting, 49–51
styles, and perceptions vs. reality, 48–53
success, reframing thoughts to, 38–39
suggestions, asking for, 102
suggestive questions, 78–79
talking to self, 34–35
tasks, attitudes about, and action options, 18–19
technology, 172–173
thank you, 153
thirst, as distraction, 124
timing, for closing conversation, 122
tired, vs. drained, 10
training, 90
transformative experiences, compiling list, 139–140
true self, 10
trust
from multiple connections, 167–168
patience and, 208
notifications, 181
profile, 179
profile pictures from, 172
Tweets, 180
vocabulary, 178
understanding others, clues for, 53–55
unknown, fear of, 40
updates, on social networking sites, 179–180
valuable information, vs. spam, 194
value, providing to another, 187–188
verbs, actionable, 40
vibrations, creating good, 148
visible similarities, 140–142
voice, 61
Vs of communication, 57
vulnerability, 156
wall in Facebook, 181
Watterson, Bill, 145
weather, questions about, 98
weekly updates, from LinkedIn, 176
why questions, 106
Wikipedia, 109–110
words
choosing those to define you, 32–34
and mood memory, 149
positive vs. negative, 63
working from outside in, 64, 66
Yahoo group, 191
Zig Zag style, 51