Introduction

I used to believe I knew most of what there was to know about connecting with people and building relationships. But one day my belief got completely upended. It happened while I was teaching one of my classes at New York University. The course was about organizational communication, and it was for business school sophomores. The students were there to learn strategic tactics for communicating effectively. Even though we covered a wide range of topics during the semester—from understanding the audience to constructing oral and written presentations—my overarching message was always the same: You must have a purpose for every communication. If you haven’t established your intent, I told my students, you are wasting your time and your listener’s patience. I pounded home that message at every opportunity.

Then one day I asked my class, “What do you think my objective is this semester? What is my intent?” A young man sitting in the front row eagerly raised his hand. With a big smile he said, “You want us to like you!”

I was startled by his comment, and my answer was swift and seemingly nonchalant. “No, that’s not my intent,” I scoffed. “I don’t really care whether you like me or not.” Reflecting on the incident later, though, I realized that my response had been a smokescreen. I did want them to like me; of course I wanted to be liked. Who doesn’t?

What bothered me the most was that my response to the student’s comment had been so harsh and abrupt, and it was because I was uncomfortable with the accuracy of his assessment. Even if I was willing to admit that I wanted to be liked, of course I didn’t want my class to know it. In my mind, someone who wanted to be liked was needy and weak and wasn’t very likable.

To this day I’m not sure if the student’s comment was intended to be smart-alecky or sincere, but regardless, it had a profound impact on me. It got me thinking about likability, and not just why we want to be liked but why we should want to be liked. That classroom incident changed the course of my work, my approach to teaching and coaching, and my own methods of networking and relationship building. Now I focus on the importance of likability—being likable, liking ourselves, and in turn, liking the people we meet.

Many networking experts urge people to be strategic and deliberate to a fault, focusing on how to work a room and get in front of key people. The act of meeting people and seeking connections begins to feel like a dreaded chore, and when it feels like something you have to do rather than want to do, it’s hard to motivate yourself to do it at all, let alone do it well.

Contrary to what many networking experts counsel (and what I, too, used to believe), every interaction does not need to have an intent or a specific objective. We do not need to focus with laserlike precision on what our takeaway from a conversation will be, because building relationships is not about transactions—it’s about connections. It is about creating opportunities for honest and authentic interactions, and making them advantageous for all parties involved. It’s about liking and being liked.

Tapping into likability doesn’t mean making everything all perky and bright and constantly being happy. In some ways it’s just the opposite. Harnessing likability is about uncovering what is authentically likable—in you, in the other person, in your connection. It is through the strength of what is genuine that meaningful connections build into relationships. The term networking is simply another way to think about how to start a relationship. Our relationships are our network. Whether they stem from business or personal situations, our relationships are what support us, connect us, and allow us to progress in all aspects of our lives.

To fully engage the power of likability, we need to understand what it is and how it works. We are all, obviously, different, and that’s a fact to be celebrated and embraced. What makes each of us likable is distinct to us. But the basic drivers of likability are the same for us all. I call them the 11 laws of likability. This book takes an in-depth look at each of these “laws,” breaking them down to find out how they function in both business and social settings, and how to fully incorporate them into our lives.

This new likability-based paradigm for networking and building relationships minimizes moments of inauthenticity and missed opportunities. Instead, I’ll show you how to uncover what is inherently likable about yourself, and how to share those qualities with the people you meet to create relationships that are honest and real, and that lead to win-win situations for everyone involved. By approaching your interactions through the lens of likability, you can expect to be happier, more comfortable, and more successful in establishing meaningful relationships.

Even those of you who are comfortable approaching new people, generating a conversation, or asking for what you want will benefit from shifting your traditional thinking about how to make connections. Expanding your perspectives on networking and embracing the tenets of likability can open up whole new paths to connecting with people and nurturing strong relationships.

Building fruitful and lasting relationships starts with abandoning the conventional “me”-based thoughts that are so prevalent in the business world and so easy to slip into in our personal lives. “What can this person do for me?” becomes “What can I do for this person?” Likewise, “What can I get out of this situation?” becomes “How does this situation benefit us all?”

You must shift your thinking:

• From Me to Them

• From Work to Any Topic

• From Now to Long Term

Because here is the essential truth about meaningful connections: It’s not about you—it’s about the relationship.