5
The Law of Curiosity
“The important thing is not to stop Questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
—Albert Einstein
Sylvia and I were standing in the same small group at a cocktail reception. We got to chatting for a few minutes, and when she heard that I was a coach, she mentioned that she was thinking about launching her own business. At this point her husband came to tell her that it was time for them to leave. She asked me if I’d like to grab coffee or lunch sometime and I said sure, as I almost always do in these situations. We exchanged business cards.
Sylvia followed up a few days later, suggesting some dates when we might have lunch. I had an extremely hectic schedule but found a pocket of time where I could wedge in a meeting. We finalized the details.
As I was walking down the street on my way to meet her, there were a million to-dos racing through my head, and I was wondering yet again what I’d been thinking when I agreed to the lunch date. I had barely spoken a few minutes to this woman so far, yet I’d prioritized our meeting over some important and time-sensitive tasks. Given my workload that week, having lunch with a virtual stranger was not exactly convenient.
When we sat down for lunch I suddenly realized that I barely knew anything about this woman, and that we didn’t even have a natural starting point for conversation, so I just began asking her questions. Sylvia was also eager to hear more about my coaching work, and she was full of questions for me about my life and my projects. I’d assumed that she wanted to pick my brain about starting a business, so I sprinkled in advice as we spoke.
The more she told me about herself, the more curious I became. It turned out she was starting a virtual assistant business, worked at a private school, and conducted workshops for teenagers. It was all fascinating, and I wanted to know more about how she’d started the youth workshops initiative; more about the genesis of her virtual assistant business and the services she planned to offer; more about her successes organizing assembly programs for private schools.
The connections between us—and the opportunities for significantly helping one another—continued to unfold. I had no idea just how much there was to talk about until we started asking each other questions.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but I can tell you it never killed a conversation. In fact, showing genuine curiosity about a person’s job, life, interests, opinions, or needs is a great way to start a conversation, keep it going, and create connections.
Start by Being Curious
For many of us, starting a conversation with someone can be awkward. It can even feel like a chore. We may feel that we don’t have anything interesting to offer the other person, or we don’t want to embarrass ourselves by saying something dumb. Or maybe we simply feel as if we don’t have time to meet someone new or to get to know someone better; after all, our lives are already too hectic and we don’t feel as if we need any more friends. But continuing to initiate conversations and be curious about people is fundamental to building valuable relationships, because curiosity creates connections—that is the law of curiosity.
When you don’t know how to start a conversation, start by being curious. And remember this: People love to talk. You just need to know how to get them going. I don’t mean prompting them to launch into a monologue while you passively listen. A good conversation involves give-and-take; it’s an exchange in which two people are genuinely engaged, listening, responding, and connecting to each other.
What would you genuinely like to know about the person? Are you wondering what it was like to lead that project that was such a smash hit? Have you heard stellar things about the person’s racquetball game? If you are in a situation where you don’t know anything at all about the person, ask general questions about the types of things you like to discover about people you meet—their hobbies, sports interests, favorite family or adventure vacation spots, or whatever else those things might be. Often picking one topic to pursue is all you need to get the dialogue rolling. Once you are talking, one subject can flow into the next one, which can flow into the next, and before you know it you’ve formed a connection.
Curiosity Creates Connections
Before meeting Sylvia for lunch, the only thing I really knew about her was that she hoped to expand a business venture she’d started, but I didn’t even know what that venture was. I assumed that she’d asked me to lunch because she wanted some coaching around how to grow the business. As I continued asking her questions, seeking out how I might best be of assistance, I discovered more and more things that we had in common. I became intrigued by the evolution of her career and was especially excited to hear about her work with teens, an age group I’d been wanting to do more work with myself. Halfway through our salads it was no longer me coaching her, but her advising me on how to approach schools, when to book workshop programs with them, and what types of material worked best for that demographic. By the end of lunch, I’d hired her to consult with me on how to take the teen workshops I’d been designing and develop them into a full-fledged program.
Sylvia didn’t come to the lunch expecting to be pitching her services, yet once she began to see how much our interests overlapped and how we could help one another, she became just as excited about it as I had. Our sincere curiosity about one another uncovered the myriad things we had in common. We’ll see in Chapter 7 that the law of similarity—basically, what people have in common—can be one of the strongest connectors.
Without actively following our curiosity, Sylvia and I may not have so quickly uncovered the wealth of things we shared. As we worked together on my teen-workshops project, we didn’t just discuss the task at hand, we talked about all the developments in each other’s lives. I heard about her man troubles, she heard about my preschool quandaries, and we both helped each other think through our next steps. I wound up doing some coaching for her, too, consulting with her about how to grow her business. As a result of curiosity, we found multiple opportunities to work together, learned how many common interests we shared, and created a connection that outlasted not just the lunch but the launch of both our projects. We established a mutually rewarding relationship that continued to blossom.
Genuine curiosity can lead to more authentic, engaging conversations, which lay the foundation for sustained relationships. Even seasoned professionals who understand and have successfully built valuable connections over the years can benefit from remembering how to stay curious. As we get further along in our careers, our plates fill up and we can forget the value of nurturing new connections. Showing your genuine interest in someone else increases your likability, and you never know what opportunities it may open up.
Do You Know How to Ask a Question?
Curiosity seems simple enough—just start asking questions, right? That’s one approach, but the success of it depends in part on how adept your conversation partner is at answering. You can help her along by varying the types of questions you pose. Ask open-ended questions at the start of a conversation, or when the conversation has hit a dead end. Use probing questions to further the dialogue when already immersed in a discussion. Choose broad topics or home in on something specific; it doesn’t actually matter as long as what you are asking stokes your genuine curiosity about the person. Your goal is to uncover what you might have in common and what value you might bring to that person (the value aspect of our interactions with others is discussed further in Chapter 10).
Open Up and …
An open-ended question is simply one that requires more than a one-or two-word response. Typically, open-ended questions begin with what, how, how come, or why. Asking “What brings you here?” encourages the other person to provide a full response, whereas “Did your company send you?” only provides an opening for the other person to respond with a yes or no answer or possibly with the simple and conversation-limiting comeback, “Did yours?” Almost any question that can be answered with a yes or no or another one-word response can be rephrased to encourage a dialogue. Change the “Do you” or “Would you” into a “What” or a “How would you,” and you’ve opened the door to a deeper conversation. “Do you like living in Atlanta?” becomes “What do you like about living in Atlanta?” “Would you recommend this vendor?” becomes “How has working with this vendor helped your company become more productive?”
When starting a conversation, try to have a few possible topics in mind, in case you need to go through a couple to get the conversation going. The openings you choose should be person-and situation-dependent, based on whom you’re talking to and the circumstances that have brought you together. Do you work in the same industry? Are you both attending a specific event? Does the person live nearby? Making the openers relevant, even if only in a general way, creates context for the dialogue and fosters the connection that comes from it.
After you say “Hi, I am …,” test out some opening questions, as suggested here, and mix them up in different conversations to keep your communication and connection skills in optimal shape.
Make a Generic/Personal Inquiry
When you are meeting someone for the first time, especially if you are in an unfamiliar place, it can be difficult to find person- or situation-dependent openers. There are any number of broad fallback questions you can use in these situations, though, so put them to work. Many of these questions may seem like tired workhorses we’ve all heard before, so at first the person’s responses might sound a bit rote or unenergetic. Nonetheless, you can use the responses to pick up on interesting details about the person so that you can then ask further questions and expand the conversation.
Although this one is trite, it’s also tried and true. This is the evergreen question, something you can pose to anyone. A twist on this question is the equally reliable, “What do you do when you’re not working?” If you are addressing someone who’s retired or whose employment status is unknown or might be a delicate subject, you can tweak the question slightly by asking, “What field are you in?” or even “What do you want to do next?” The key when employing this question is to listen to and understand the answer; in other words, you need to truly hear what the person is saying. Try to glean what kind of client or contact information might be useful to the people you are speaking with through their responses, and follow up with new questions. How did they choose the industry they’re in? If they are entrepreneurs, what was it like to land their first client? The possibilities for continuing the conversation are endless; just follow your curiosity. If someone in turn asks you, “What do you do?” take the opportunity to open up further avenues for dialogue. You can respond by saying, “For work or in my free time?”
What do you think of this (fill in the blank) weather?
Another standard icebreaker is to ask about the weather. A question about the stormy, unseasonably warm, or freezing cold weather may lead to meaningless small talk or it may open up more fruitful connections. The response could lead to a conversation about the cost of snow removal or comparisons with the weather in the person’s hometown. It could lead to discussions about favorite vacation spots or why the weather is or isn’t so great for your business. Start with a generic question and be ready to pursue further threads of dialogue based on responses.
Do you have kids?
This one can be a great conversation opener, even if the other person’s answer is, “No.” If the answer is “yes,” then the abundance of possible topics is fairly clear. If the answer is “no,” you can follow up with a lighthearted remark such as, “So you get to sleep through the night?” or “I miss the days of kid-free vacations,” and see where that takes you.
Ask Their Opinion
Asking someone’s opinion of something is a surefire conversation starter. Choose whatever topic you’d like—politics, sports, the latest news from Wall Street—just make sure it’s something you want to talk about, too. If you are not genuinely curious about it you won’t be fully engaged in the exchange, and your chance of forging a real connection diminishes.
As busy and seasoned professionals, sometimes we rush to get down to business. We would all benefit from remembering to stay curious and ask varied questions. Don’t just stick to the usual. And be prepared to share your opinions as well—after all, you are trying to establish a dialogue. When pursuing the opinion route it’s best to stay diplomatic with people you’re still getting to know. Remember the advice every mother seems to dole out: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” This doesn’t mean you have to lie about what you think; what you don’t say can speak volumes, too.
The options here are endless. Here are a few examples:
What did you think about that speaker?
This is an interesting option because it could so easily be a throw-away, not just for the person being addressed, but for you. Before you ask someone else this question, ask yourself if you truly care, and why you should. If you ask the question and you are not even interested, it’s going to show. But there could be any number of reasons why you are in fact interested in the response to the question. Perhaps there was a speaker comment you missed or wanted to make sure you understood. Maybe you are in the midst of planning a speaker-led event yourself. Once you are clear on why you care, then you can form the most fruitful follow-up questions.
What’s your take on the new CEO at (fill in the blank)?
A variation of this question might be, “What’s your take on the first-round draft picks?” Asking about the latest corporate- or sports-news event of the moment can lead to a conversation about all kinds of things—employment histories and favorite sports teams are just the beginning. The corporate twist, especially, often leads to the “What do you do?” question.
What’s your view of the recent foreign policy changes?
Opening a political discussion with someone you’ve just met might be stepping into a minefield, but it can be a great way to probe your connection with someone who is already an acquaintance. This type of question, of course, alludes to political dispositions without flat-out asking about them. It can also lead to any number of other topics. If you weave in a reference to where you read a particular tidbit, for instance, that can open up a discussion about the state of the media today. Querying people about their political opinions can lead to extremely engaging and emotionally charged conversations. Politics tend to reveal the ways people are either united or polarized. If both of you are enjoying the back and forth, keep going. If things get too heated, sidestep conflict with a more conciliatory remark such as, “I’ll have to give that perspective some thought.”
Pose a Hypothetical
A variation on asking for someone’s opinion is to ask what the person thinks of a hypothetical situation. These queries are thought-provoking and often coax people out of their pat-response patterns. Hypothetical questions are best used after a bit of small talk, once a connection has been formed but is still growing in strength. These questions can reveal unexpected things about people to one another, and can range from the professional to the personal, from the practical to the fanciful: “How would you handle it if you received a promotion over one of your closest colleagues?” “What decision would you have made about that situation if you were CEO?” “What would be the first three things you’d do if you won the lottery?”
When posing hypothetical questions, you want to stay sensitive to the fact that these types of questions can deepen the conversation, but if used in the wrong way they may seem invasive or off-putting. You can diffuse the potential for discomfort by prefacing the question with preliminary queries such as, “Do you mind if I pick your brain about something?” or “I’m dealing with a thorny problem—can I pose a hypothetical situation to you and get your opinion?”
Some people do especially well with these types of questions. Think back to the communication-style matrix in Chapter 3. Zig Zags and Circles love hypothetical questions, the Zig Zags for their intellectual framework and idea-exploring premises, the Circles for the personal aspects of the questions and how they might be able to help puzzle out solutions. When choosing whether to use a hypothetical question as a conversation starter, you may want to determine the person’s communication style first to see if the individual may be open to this level of inquiry.
Seek Advice
Advice is a powerful conversation opener in cases when the other person can actually be of assistance. When people can provide assistance, it makes them feel helpful. This creates a positive mood memory, a concept that’s covered in detail in Chapter 8. Be clear about the questions you ask, however broad or specific they may be, so that they accurately reflect your interest. If you ask something that, as it turns out, the other person can’t help with, then follow up by asking if the person has any ideas about how you can find the information you’re after. Being able to give even general advice makes most people feel good and more prone to connecting to you.
Can you tell me how to get to …?
This opener can be a little tricky because the person responding will probably expect that once you get the directions you need (e.g., to the bar, the hotel spa, etc.), that will be the end of the conversation. Still, it can be a natural and straightforward way to approach someone. If someone asks you this type of question, offer to escort them and chat along the way.
Which do you suggest?
Depending on the environment you’re in, you might ask for a recommendation about a breakout session, a course, a restaurant, or a hotel—you fill in the blank. This type of question is an easy conversation starter and allows for a simple follow-up: “How come?” You could also ask something more specific based on the other person’s response, such as, “Is the content of the session basic or advanced?” or “What dish do you recommend?” “Is the professor a tough grader?”
Compliment
To compliment someone is to express praise, commendation, or admiration. A compliment is the exact opposite of flattery, because by definition flattery is fake or insincere. Compliments are signs of respect. Of course, you must be genuine in your compliment, lest it come off as flattery, but if there is something that you truly admire and want to express about someone, giving the person a compliment can be a great way to open a conversation. Not only does it create positive energy between you and the person you’re addressing, it can also build trust and foster greater understanding. When people realize that you’ve noticed something positive about them, chances are they’ll start looking for things they admire about you, too. This technique is often most effective when followed by a supporting question that reflects your genuine feelings and curiosity.
I love that shirt/tie/scarf/jacket/necklace.
One obvious but helpful follow-up to this kind of compliment is, “Where did you get it?” I once admired a necklace a woman was wearing and when I asked where she’d found it, she replied, “Ireland.” Her response led us into an energizing conversation about travel, one of my favorite vices. The “where” follow-up can get you talking about any number of topics: shopping, traditions, or family keepsakes, for instance. You’ll never know until you ask.
I thought the question you asked was really interesting.
In my experience, this comment is suitable when in the audience at a conference, speaker, or roundtable event. You can then follow up this compliment with a question: “What did you think of the person’s response?” Another version of this technique works well when building connections with your coworkers. If someone has handled a business situation in an admirable way, compliment your colleague on it, then ask the person how and why he chose to handle it in that manner. Not only will you learn more about people through their responses—and possibly improve your own professional interpersonal skills—but you’ll also strike the right mood memory with the people you’re addressing, making them feel helpful and recognized.
Use the News: The Events-Based Inquiry
This type of inquiry can be related to the event you’re attending, a current event from the morning paper, or even a simple life event such as buying a car. Use the event as a reference point to generate conversation about broad opinions and specific details, and use responses to continue enriching the conversation. Here are some examples, with suggestions for following up on possible responses.
Have you been to this event before?
Use the response to discuss similar events, asking follow-up questions about how this event compares to others the person may have attended or upcoming events that may be of interest.
What do you think about that (fill in the blank) news story?
Choosing a widely covered current event will open up more possible paths of conversation than asking about something obscure. Follow-up questions could range from the plight of the people involved in the story, to the ways in which different media outlets are covering it, to previous events that current circumstances call to mind. If someone hasn’t heard of or been following the news, that person won’t have much to say about it, of course. You can handle this situation by quickly sketching in the story for the other person or simply introducing a new topic of conversation.
Have you ever owned a Honda?
Asking ordinary, everyday questions such as this one can be surprisingly revealing. Someone you’ve just met or are still getting to know is likely to feel comfortable giving opinions about something as neutral as a consumer product, and this type of question makes most people feel that you value their opinion enough to ask it. Follow-up questions can lead to conversations about the price of gas, the manufacturing methods of different countries, even road trip memories—you name it.
The Art of Probing
To sustain an engaged conversation, you’ve got to learn the art of the probe. A probe is a question that digs deeper into the topic being discussed, opening up new material to explore. You’ve already read some examples of probing questions in the previous sections. Probes are excellent conversation continuers once the initial spark of dialogue has been lit.
Even the most curious people, full of probing questions, sometimes find themselves in conversations where they suddenly hit a brick wall. When that happens it is helpful to follow the lead of the person you’re talking to. What has most excited this person during the conversation so far? If you hit a topic and the other person’s energy flags, move on to a new topic until you land on one that helps the dialogue flow again. The more energetic responses you get, the better your chances for continuing to probe in ways that build connection.
There are three main types of probes: clarifying, rational, and expansion.
Clarifying Probe: Am I Clear?
A clarifying probe effectively demonstrates that you are paying attention. Rephrase or summarize what you’ve heard and ask if you’ve understood it correctly, or, if you don’t think you have understood, ask the other person to explain in greater detail. Clarifying probes are also great conversation stallers because, if you are thinking about where you want to take the conversation next, they’ll buy you time. Be careful about how you phrase these kinds of probes, though. Avoid constructions such as “Are you saying …?” which, depending on tone and whom you’re talking to, can be misperceived as shock, judgment, or even outrage. Instead, paraphrase what you think you heard and then check your accuracy with, “Did I understand that correctly?”
Rational Probe: How Come?
A rational probe seeks to understand the reasoning behind a stated choice or action. Another way to think about this probe is that it asks “How come?” instead of “Why?”
Intentionally or not, why is a word that almost instantly puts the receiver on the defensive. It makes people feel as if they are being challenged and must defend their responses. “How come?” poses more of a genuine inquiry, lessening the possibility that the question will be construed as some kind of attack. To minimize this possibility further, watch your tone of voice and rate of speech. Longer phrasing such as “I’m curious, what made you opt for that project over the other one?” feels more thought out and less aggressive than a super-fast “How come?”
Resist the common urge, though, to express comprehension by filling in the blank with your own response; for example, saying, “How come? Is it because of such-and-such?” instead of just simply “How come?” Providing possible answers to your own question before the other person has time to respond shuts down the flow of communication and could make the other person feel as if you don’t really want to hear what she has to say.
Expansion Probe: Elaborate Please?
An expansion probe delves for more information about a given response. My favorite phrase is, “Tell me more.” This statement invites people to elaborate on something that interests them, which naturally makes them feel comfortable. It also lets them know that you are genuinely interested in hearing what they’re talking about, putting them at ease that they are not dominating the conversation. Expansion probes allow you to listen (there’s more about listening in Chapter 6) and learn what the other person’s authentic interests, needs, and concerns are—and how you might be able to help. These opportunities to assist rise up organically in conversations and can be powerful opportunities for further growing connections. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the relationship.
Don’t Interrogate
As already discussed, with any of these questioning techniques, don’t ask unless you want to know the answer. If you don’t really care, you are more likely to tune out when the other person responds. Silence descends, and there is no place else to take the conversation.
When you ask about something of true interest, though, your follow-up questions come to you more easily and your body language and energy naturally reflect your interest and attentiveness. But be careful not to let your exuberance tip over into a machine-gun questioning style. Bombarding people with rapid queries, regardless of your enthusiasm, will make them feel as if they need to protect themselves, and they’ll stay guarded.
Enjoy the conversation; don’t turn it into an interrogation. Conversations are two-sided dialogues, filled with pauses and spontaneous asides during which the people conversing consider and absorb what is being said by others. Sprinkling in information about yourself is important, because it helps build the bond that good communication promotes, making you more likable and making whomever you’re talking to feel comfortable enough to share.
Stay Curious
If we remain curious, then in conversations we appear comfortable and genuine, even without too much foreknowledge of the person we’re speaking with. Curiosity brings out the best in us and prompts us to naturally do all those things that foster positive connections: maintain good eye contact, give appropriate head nods, ask interesting follow-up questions that show we’re engaged. When we demonstrate these behaviors it’s because curiosity does away with distractions and uncertainties. We’re focused on connecting, and so that’s naturally what we do.