8
The Law of Mood Memory

“Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.”

—Bill Watterson, cartoonist and creator of “Calvin & Hobbes”

Elaine, one of my roommates during college, always tried to be a great friend. She would go out of her way to do nice things, bringing me soup whenever I felt sick, checking up on me twice a day if I was going through a rough patch with a guy I was dating, and so on. I genuinely wanted to reciprocate, but somehow my attempts never seemed good enough for her. She had a very strict image of what a good friend was, how a good friend should act, and what a good friend needed to do. She was incredibly demanding of her friends and she expected them, unequivocally, to go as far out of their ways for her as she did for them.

She always let me know when I didn’t live up to her expectations, to the point that it began to seem as if she was constantly judging me. I could feel her disappointment in me, and despite my best attempts I couldn’t stop fumbling into trouble with her. A misstep that seemed innocuous in my mind would wind up deeply upsetting her. If I didn’t call exactly when I said I would, she’d take it as a personal affront.

After a while I realized that whenever I thought about her I got tense. The muscles in my neck would tighten and a knot in the pit of my stomach would form. I knew that I shouldn’t be having such a strong negative reaction to someone I considered a friend, but thinking about her literally put me in a bad mood. Her critical nature and extremely high demands eventually outweighed any enjoyment I got out of spending time with her, and our friendship deteriorated.

Think about your best friend and the last time you hung out and had fun. Set that image in your mind and replay it in your head. How does it make you feel? Are you mentally and maybe even physically smiling? Now think about a recent conversation that didn’t go so well. Maybe you got trapped talking to someone annoying at a bar, or you were cornered at the office by the colleague who has a knack for grousing about everything. Think about having to talk to that person. How does the memory of that situation make you feel? What does it feel like to imagine having more conversations with that person?

The way you experience a person or a situation—the feeling you get, whether negative or positive—lingers long after the actual moment of interaction has past. The impressions you are left with form the feelings you associate with that person or event. This is called “mood memory.” Creating positive mood memories of yourself for other people is an essential part of increasing your likability.

It’s Not What You Said

We’ve all had that sensation: You’re thinking about someone and feeling good, without really being able to say why. Was it the conversation? Perhaps, but you barely even remember what was said. Was it the person’s mannerisms or general outlook on things? You’re just not sure. Without being able to put your finger on the reasons, you just feel good about it all. This taps into the law of mood memory: People are more apt to remember how you made them feel than what you said. The colleague who manages to put everyone at ease and joke naturally without being a wise guy usually leaves everybody in a positive mood. But the peer who regularly dismisses your ideas and talks over you in meetings, well, thinking of that person can make you want to scowl and roll your eyes.

According to research, when we record a memory it is encoded not only with sensory data but with our mood and emotional state as well.1 That’s why when we recall a memory we often find ourselves reliving the feelings we had when it first occurred. The lingering remembrance of feeling—the mood memory—is an ingredient of likability. If other people have a positive mood memory of you, they are more likely to want to interact with you again.

LIVE THE LAW: ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE

We often aren’t aware of the moods we create. Just as it is important to understand how to create positive moods, it’s crucial to understand how to stop making bad ones. Creating negative mood memory reduces your chances that the other person will actively seek out interacting with you again. To avoid doing the things that may make someone feel bad, you must increase your awareness of other people’s and your own behavior.

First, make a list of the things that other people do that leave you feeling less than stellar. Did a friend answer his cell phone while you were in the middle of a story? Was a new acquaintance looking around the room instead of at you while you were talking? Do you have a coworker who is always spinning out a worst-case scenario? Is there someone in your life who expresses things with such know-it-all confidence that she leaves little room for other people’s opinions?

Once you’ve compiled the list, do some self-reflection. Are you prone to doing any of the things on that list? Has anyone ever given you feedback about something you’ve done that has left a negative impression?

Start another list of those things you may do to create negative mood memory. Don’t worry too much if there are things you’re doing that you’re not aware of yet; just note the behaviors you can recognize, and remember—if someone does something that makes you feel bad, chances are you are making someone else feel bad if you do that, too. Choose one or two things from this list to start paying attention to and weeding out from your own behavior. Don’t go crazy and choose too many at first, because you’ll never be able to stay aware of all of them at once. Instead, choose a few so that you can truly focus on changing those behaviors.

Create Good Vibrations: Apply Other Laws

In many ways, mood memory is the culmination of the other laws we’ve learned so far. When you use what you know about how to increase your likability, you help create positive mood memories for other people while heightening your awareness of the impressions you leave those people with.

Let’s review how, when used to their best effect, the laws of likability allow you to connect with other people in positive ways, thereby creating positive mood memories.

Harness Your Words, Your Body, and Your Energy

In Chapters 2, 3, and 4, we looked at how word choice, body language, and energy impact not just our perceptions of ourselves, but the perceptions others have of us. These laws intertwine to help shape mood memory. The energy with which you enter a situation dictates your word choices and body language. These things transmit your energy to other people, which in turn impacts their mood memory of you and the situation. It is a cycle, and one that you can consciously affect when you have awareness.

Choose Your Words

As we learned in Chapter 2, the words we use—in our heads and when we speak with other people—are a choice, and they reflect the ways we think. Positive framing can help us stay true to our authentic thoughts while giving us the opportunity to cast them in a positive light. Be aware of the words you are choosing, and keep asking yourself, “How can I look at this person, situation, or event positively?” Or, as I like to say, “What’s the upside?”

I didn’t have the easiest childhood. That statement alone is an example of choosing positive language. I could have said, “I had a difficult childhood,” which would essentially be synonymous with the previous statement, but there is an important difference between the two ways of framing the basic fact. By choosing to say it wasn’t the easiest childhood, I make it possible for the next thought to be, “But it wasn’t the hardest childhood, either.” Framing the situation this way immediately directs my thinking to the positive and balances my energy so that it’s more neutral.

Mood memory does not apply only to people; it may also be attached to situations, events, and even companies and organizations. Because I was able to choose my words and use positive framing, my mood memory of my parents’ divorce did not have disastrous results. I didn’t attach a negative mood memory to the idea of marriage, and I didn’t run screaming in the opposite direction away from commitment. I was able to focus on what the experience taught me about what to do, and what not to do, in relationships. So I’ve been able to create positive associations with marriage and approach it with clarity.

It’s All in Your Body

In Chapter 3 we looked at psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s likability formula, which states that body language contributes more than 50 percent to our overall likability. If you want the authentic you to stay with someone after the conversation is through, you need to be sure that what you say during the interaction is congruent with how you say it. Your verbal and nonverbal messages need to communicate the same things.

Body language has any number of subtleties. The variables of culture, gender, and style differences make it impossible for there to be hard-and-fast rules about nonverbal communication. Still, there are some basic ways we communicate through our gestures that are important to pay attention to. If you want to increase the potential for creating positive mood memories, be mindful of four aspects of body language:

ImageEye Contact. Consistent eye contact makes a person feel listened to and respected, and therefore good. There is abundant science that supports this claim. Direct eye contact releases feel-good endorphins, and the heart starts to beat a little faster.2 This doesn’t mean you should be staring relentlessly at someone, of course. Follow your natural instincts to sustain eye contact in a way that communicates that you are listening to and comprehending what the other person is saying.

ImageSmiling. A genuine smile is incredibly powerful. It communicates ease and openness, approachability and trustworthiness. It is perhaps the single most immediate way to express likability. An authentic smile creates strong positive mood memories: Even if the other person doesn’t remember what you’ve said, he may very well remember your smile. A smile is like an invitation to join a conversation and feel comfortable saying what is on your mind. Granted, some of us are not natural smilers, but I encourage you to practice. Eventually muscle memory will take over and you’ll find yourself smiling more naturally. And I bet you’ll feel happier, too.

ImageNodding. The nod is another powerful nonverbal signal, but it can also be a bit of a gender-specific quandary. Numerous researchers, including productivity-management expert and author Simma Lieberman, posit that men nod when they agree with something, and women nod to indicate that they are listening. The best tack, whether you are a man or a woman and regardless of how and why you nod, is to be aware of how much you are doing it. Nodding should be a signal that’s in your nonverbal toolbox. You don’t want to overuse it, because its purpose—to indicate agreement or attentiveness—can be diminished if it’s done too much. By the same token, pay attention to when the nod might actually help you convey how you are experiencing the situation. Especially when backed up by quick verbal signals (“Hmm, that’s interesting,” or “I couldn’t agree with you more”), nodding can effectively communicate that you comprehend what you’re hearing.

ImagePersonal Space. The physical distance between two people when they are talking is referred to as personal space, and there are two main things that tend to influence how someone feels about it: culture and communication style. Some cultures are more comfortable with intimate personal space, others prefer to maintain more distance, and it all depends upon the situation. If you travel to the Middle East, you’ll see groups of male friends walking together, arms draped around one another’s shoulders. Men who are walking down the street with their male friends in Northern Europe usually stand a bit apart. The communication styles we learned about in Chapter 3 also impact personal-space preferences: Zig Zags and Circles are often fine with the touched shoulder to indicate emphasis; Angles and Straight Lines, however, like to maintain nonvisible, no-touch boundaries. Keep cultural and communication-style differences in mind when it comes to handling personal space, and trust your own instincts. Whatever feels natural and right for you, as you stay aware of the situation you’re in and the person you are with, is what determines the best course of action.

Shift Your Energy

Chapter 4 explored the law of energy: It’s contagious. If you want to make others feel good, start by feeling good yourself. As was emphasized in that chapter, feeling good doesn’t necessarily mean feeling perky and happy; it means connecting with what feels positive and appropriate in the situation and the person you’re dealing with.

If you know that, going into a situation, you are not in a pleasant place mentally, make the choice to shift your energy. Think about what energy would work best for you in that moment, and if necessary, remember a time when you did have that energy. Focus on as many details as you can to recall what it felt like, and absorb it. The idea is not to fake the mood, but rather to find or re-create the mood within yourself instead.

Admire, Appreciate, and Ask for Advice

Curiosity and listening can have a profound positive impact on the connections we make. They also are powerful tools for shaping positive mood memory. Use the tactics you learned in Chapter 5 about curiosity and in Chapter 6 on listening to create good energy and lasting impressions when forming connections.

Don’t Just Think It—Say It

Chapter 6’s “just say it” strategy for managing internal distractions and increasing listening capacity has direct application for creating mood memory. The basic premise is: Don’t let people misinterpret what’s going on in your mind when you can just tell them. In the context of mood memory, the phrase becomes, “Don’t just think it—say it.”

In my own life, an experience that made me get proactive about my own mood-memory awareness was when my colleague Laurie had breast cancer. Even though we weren’t particularly close, when I saw how she faced her illness with such grace, courage, and humor, I had to say something, even if I embarrassed myself and her. So I finally told her how in awe of her I felt. She was deeply touched, and shared with me that cancer had taken so much from her but given her so much too, and that my kind words were one of those gifts. Her perspective humbled me. Soon after that, she passed away. I think of her and I am reminded of how short life can be, and of how we mustn’t waste the opportunities we have to say what we want and need to say.

In life-and-death situations, we often remember to put words to what we are thinking. My experience with Laurie reminded me that I needed to do the same in less momentous situations as well. It was like waking up from a daze. I started consciously engaging people even in small moments, telling them what I was thinking when it was appropriate, putting words of appreciation and admiration to the thoughts that had previously stayed in my head. I thanked the bus driver who waited for me while I ran to catch the bus, not with the usual perfunctory “Thanks,” but by looking him in the eye and letting him know that I appreciated his kindness and that it mattered to me, saying something more engaging and personable such as, “You made my day and saved me from the wrath of a very punctual boss.” I stopped to chat with and thank the doorman who was always there with a smile and a hello, helping me with my packages, kids, or a neighbor’s dog. I went up to the speaker at a meeting I attended to compliment him on handling a heckler in an effective but courteous manner.

The key is to open ourselves up to seeing the good things that are always around us and that we rarely stop to notice, appreciate, or give thanks for. Don’t just think it—say it.

Not long ago I was conducting a two-week training session at a manufacturing company, and we were discussing employee evaluations. One of the participants was talking about the annual review as a chance to “get yourself into the conversation.” It was such a great phrase and such a great way of framing the situation that I immediately complimented him on it and used the phrase for the rest of the training, giving him credit every time I referenced it. Not only did this make him feel good, but it made the entire group feel engaged: They were proud that one of their members had coined a phrase I wanted to incorporate in my training, and they felt as if they were truly active participants in the sessions.

Telling people what you genuinely admire about them can increase the connection they have with you; it makes the other person feel understood. The more connections we make with someone, the more likely that those connections will build into a meaningful relationship.

LIVE THE LAW: DON’T JUST THINK IT—SAY IT

Actively noticing the things you admire about other people, and telling them so, may seem like a small gesture, but it can have a big impact. People you know and even strangers appreciate genuine compliments and praise because it makes them feel valued. The things you remark upon do not have to be momentous; they can be as simple as how someone always answers the phone with a smile in his voice, or as important as how someone handles a difficult situation. If your admiration is sincere, the compliment will be genuinely appreciated, and articulating it will make you feel good, too.

OPTION 1: APPRECIATE SOMEONE YOU KNOW

Think about the people you see on a regular basis, and the things you admire about them. Perhaps you admire how diligently the receptionist at your office keeps everything running on time, or you’re impressed by how a colleague always seems to close even the toughest deals. Now put words to those thoughts of admiration. The next time they demonstrate the behavior you admire, tell them. Articulating your appreciation not only increases positive mood memory, it may also open up the chance for you to engage them more about their likable trait and learn from what they do.

OPTION 2: MAKE A STRANGER’S DAY

Complimenting people we don’t know may feel strange, but we all have ample opportunities for doing this in a natural way, and making a habit of it further raises our awareness of the situations we are in and the mood memories we create. The next time you are traveling and experience flight disruptions that provoke cranky customers to vent on a calm, gracious flight attendant, let the flight attendant know he’s doing a great job. When faced with one of those maddening customer service problems that can keep you on the phone, frustrated, for what feels like hours, remember to tell the extremely patient employee on the other end that you know the problem isn’t her fault, and thank her for her help.

Take It to the Next Level: Seek Advice

Expressing your genuine interest in someone by following your curiosity can build connections and open an avenue for deeper bonds. To maximize the law of curiosity (Chapter 5) in creating mood memory, seek out advice from those people you truly admire and hold in high regard. When you ask for someone’s opinion, advice, or expertise, the message you are sending is: I value you. This creates positive mood memory because people generally feel respected and recognized for their strengths when someone else seeks advice from them; at the same time, you are leveraging your curiosity and creating opportunities to learn. Asking for advice may leave you feeling vulnerable, but this can be a good thing: Being vulnerable is being open and authentic, which are very likable qualities. By having the courage to expose yourself, you open up the door for ongoing communication.

In professional situations, the mentor/mentee relationship is a classic advice-seeking dynamic. This relationship can be effectively cultivated with someone already in your life, but it can also be set in motion with people you are meeting for the first time. One time I found myself sitting next to a woman named Ora, an adjunct professor at NYU, during a conference lunch break. Ever since I was a kid, I’d dreamed about being a college professor one day, but never wanted to do it full-time. I asked Ora how she got started at NYU. As I raptly listened to her story, she asked me if I’d ever done any teaching. I explained that it was something I’d always hoped to do, part-time, but wasn’t sure how to pursue. She offered to introduce me to the head of her department, and came through with the introduction when I followed up later that week. During the next several weeks she generously offered her time and advice as I reached out to the department chair and set up an interview. Thanks in large part to her guidance, I began an adjunct position at NYU the next semester, and Ora continued to help me navigate the exciting new challenges the experience presented.

Don’t worry that as a mentee you may feel as if you are taking more than you are giving. You will inevitably get your chance to be in the giving role (we’ll take a closer look at the law of giving in Chapter 10). Also, remember that people like to be valued and recognized for their expertise. By seeking advice, you create positive mood memory, which helps sustain the relationship so that it can continue to evolve.

Know When It Is Over

Knowing when to end a conversation is often a challenge. Ending it too quickly can send the signal that you are losing interest, or would rather be talking to someone else, or any number of negative things that will leave the person you’re conversing with feeling bad. Dragging it out too long, though, can create the impression that you want to monopolize the other person’s time or are oblivious to the subtle wrap-it-up hints the other person may be giving.

You want to leave a conversation with the other person wanting a little bit more of you and feeling positively energized from having interacted with you. If you could read people’s minds as you are exiting the conversation, ideally they’d be thinking something like this:

• “It was great speaking with you; I can’t wait for our next chance to talk.”

• “It was terrific that you asked me for my advice. It gave me a chance to help, and it made me feel smart.”

• “You have an excellent handshake, and your eye contact was confident and engaging the whole time we were talking. I know you were paying attention and were really interested in what I was saying.”

When you’re not sure if you should end the conversation, try one of the following conversation curtailers; they leave a door open if the person you are speaking with wants to continue the conversation but also provide an out if the other person feels it’s time to wrap things up.

Image“The more the merrier….” If you spot someone not engaged in conversation, suggest bringing them into yours. Adding a new person to the group can refresh the conversation and allow people the chance to exit gracefully if they want to.

Image“Can I get you a drink?” This comment creates an easy exit if one is wanted. Saying, “I am going to grab a drink, can I get you one?” allows for both possibilities—the exit or the continuation. Take your cue from the person’s response.

Image“I’m headed this way.” This tactic can be particularly useful in a conference or workshop setting. Try saying, “I wanted to go check out the (fill in the blank), would you like to join me?” It shows that you are not just trying to get rid of the other person, and that you’d even welcome the chance to explore more of the event with him.

Image“Shall we mingle?” This is similar to the previous option, but applicable to almost any social situation. Moving through a crowd with someone also creates opportunities to reenergize a previous conversation or open up new topics of discussion.

Before closing a conversation, strive to (1) make the other person feel good, and (2) create an opportunity to follow up. We’ll look at the follow-up component in the next section of the book. But in terms of ending the conversation with positive mood memory, if you are doing your best and find that it just isn’t happening in a given situation, let it go. It’s better to exit a less-than-stellar conversation gracefully, creating neutral mood memory, than to try forcing the issue to such an extent that the other person remembers the interaction negatively. Exiting the situation with a neutral impression leaves the door open to trying to connect again in the future.

Most conversations end naturally, with or without the aid of a conversation curtailer. For those instances when it’s clear that it’s time to bring things to a close but somehow the moment still feels awkward, use one of these “back pocket” conversation closers. Pair your words with body language that reinforces the verbal indication that the conversation is concluding, such as putting on your coat or picking up your bag, shifting your body toward the exit, and extending your arm to shake hands. People always understand the need to exit the conversation if you say:

• “I will make sure to (fill in the follow-up item).”

• “Do you prefer phone or e-mail? Great, you will hear from me very soon.”

• “I am so glad I met you. Thanks for telling me about….”

• “Do you know where the restrooms are?”

Leave Them Feeling Good

In essence, the law of mood memory is about creating a feel-good association so that you leave someone else with a favorable impression of you. There are many ways to increase the probability of good mood memory. But the most important of all is: Be authentic.

THE CORPORATE APPLICATION

Mood memory is fundamental to the success—or failure—of corporations. How a business is run, how it deals with its customers and treats its employees, has everything to do with how it is perceived, and how people choose to interact with that business based on what they remember from previous experiences.

How you feel about your Internet provider or local hardware store or any provider of goods or services has been shaped by your experiences with that entity, especially the personnel with whom you’ve interacted and the quality of services provided. If you have positive mood memories of those experiences, you are apt to go back and even recommend them to others. If not, there’s almost always another retailer or carrier who can offer you similar goods or services.

There are stores I seek out because shopping there is consistently a positive experience. I know they will stand by their products, be pleasant on the phone, and make any transactions easy. I love that when I walk into my local Restoration Hardware store I know every associate by name, and they all recognize me. But even when I first started shopping there, before I’d even purchased a single item, the staff was welcoming and friendly, and never pushy. Even when the sales associates are busy with other customers, they keep you updated about when someone will be free to assist you. This past holiday season, the lines were long and I was having a tough time choosing colors for the items I wanted. Chaz, the assistant manager, suggested that once I made my decision on colors, I could go home and then call them to place my order, and pay over the phone, which I did. When I went back the next day, he had the items all packaged up for me and ready to go. This is just one example of how the store staff continually go out of their way to provide top-notch service. And so I happily keep shopping there.

But in the corporate world, customer loyalty isn’t enough. To be truly successful companies must master employee allegiance. One telltale way they display this, particularly noteworthy as of late, is how they handle layoffs. My friend Edward was working for several years at a company he really liked. He was in a small division, and in hindsight he admits that he was oblivious to the division’s dwindling importance within the company, but he and his team worked well together and were highly effective, and overall his experience of working for the company was extremely positive.

Then came the layoffs. HR put dozens of employees—including everyone in Edward’s division—into a room and made them wait for hours until, one by one, employees were told they were getting laid off. They got one day to evacuate the office, with a minimal severance package. When Edward went to tell some of his colleagues in other divisions his news, a company partner followed him suspiciously and asked where he was going, as if he were about to steal trade secrets. Needless to say, the poor way the layoffs were handled completely erased any positive feelings Edward previously had about the company.

On the flip side of the coin, my friend Monica, who is in the same industry as Edward, got laid off right around the same time. She got six times the severance he did, as well as outplacement services, and full use of the office and office equipment during her search for a new job. The company that was letting her go supported her in her search because it understood that a former employee might one day be a future client, and the company wisely didn’t want to burn any bridges.

Refresh Your Memory

The Law of Mood Memory. People are more apt to remember how you made them feel than what you said.

It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It. The overall energy you impart often has more of a lasting impression on someone than the specifics of what you said.

Harness Your Words, Your Body, and Your Energy. The same strategies for word choice (Chapter 2), body language (Chapter 3), and shifting energy (Chapter 4) can be applied to creating positive mood memory. How you perceive of and present yourself directly impacts the impression you leave.

Admire, Appreciate, and Ask for Advice. Articulating what you admire about other people makes them feel understood; asking for advice makes them feel valued and shows that you can be vulnerable, which fosters trust. All are powerful tools for creating positive mood memory.

Know When It’s Over. Exit the conversation at the appropriate time to ensure the most positive mood memory and the best opportunities for productively following up.

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