CONCLUSION
Renewing Confidence, Commitment, and Energy

What we love most about our jobs is witnessing the moment when a person breaks through his or her pain to discover the release that comes with rebuilding trust and healing. We see the weight come off her shoulders, the stress dissipate from his face, and the gait in her step become more lively, assured, and purposeful.

When you rebuild trust in your relationships, you renew confidence in yourself and others, you restore a sense of commitment to your relationships and your workplace, and you regain your energy to deliver on your promises.

The Healing Journey

You grow when you choose to step into and work through your pain. You learn from your challenges and make difficulties work for you versus against you. Two of our clients, Peter and his boss, Daniel, experienced such powerful, meaningful growth in their relationships with each other, themselves, and their department. When we first met them, Peter was deeply disappointed that the collaborative work environment he was “sold” as a candidate turned out to feel disjointed, lonely, and accusatory.

Peter had uprooted his family to join this organization. He believed in its purpose and saw in his new boss, Daniel, a mentor. He was touched when Daniel indicated that he would have him to his home for dinner and help him become acclimated during the transitional period while Peter waited for his family to join him.

However, neither the mentoring nor the dinner invitations ever came to fruition. At first, Peter chalked it up to Daniel being busy. But when, over the course of his first year on the job, the focus was on short-term objectives rather than strategy, as promised in the interviews, Peter became more deeply disappointed. He did not experience mentoring from Daniel, who now seemed aloof, distant, and reactionary. While his relationship with Daniel was not what Peter wanted it to be, he continued to hope that that he could build a career at the organization.

Then, out of the blue, his world changed. Two team members accused Peter of making sexual comments in their presence. Without discussion, Daniel told Peter that he had no choice but to follow standard protocol and that HR would be launching a formal sexual harassment investigation. Daniel instructed Peter to go home immediately and make no contact with anyone until the investigation was completed. He gave the rest of the department only a very brief announcement that Peter was on leave immediately and indefinitely.

Peter remained at home, out of contact for six weeks. He could not imagine what led to the accusations. Periodically, he would hear from HR, but not from Daniel. Peter felt shut out, deeply confused, and disoriented.

Although the charge ended up being false and Peter resumed his responsibilities, the damage to his already disappointing relationship with Daniel seemed permanent. Realizing that the situation was untenable, they both summoned the conviction to work through the Seven Steps. Their journey brought them to a place of connection, closeness, and performance neither of them had imagined possible.

Step 1: Observe and Acknowledge What Happened

It wasn’t until Peter discovered our book about trust building that he saw possibilities for improvement in his relationship with Daniel. Peter was able to put a word onto what he had long been feeling: betrayed. He gained perspective about what can be done to rebuild trust. Through the book, Peter observed and acknowledged on multiple levels what had happened in his relationship with Daniel.

With his family settled and his belief in the organization’s mission still intact, Peter felt inspired to rebuild his relationship with Daniel. Peter invited Daniel into the exploration by giving him his copy and saying, “You need to read this book.”

Through the book, Daniel realized that his relationship with Peter had been seriously damaged and that he had a role in that damage. He knew he had work to do and realized that he could not do it alone; he needed support.

In one-on-one work with Michelle and through the interview and survey data that she presented, Daniel was able to observe how he had let Peter down. He saw the impact on the entire department that came from not giving them more information about why Peter had been on leave. He was able to see that he had been blind as to how Peter’s absence had impacted them; he had simply expected them to continue on as if nothing had happened.

Through one-on-one and department discussions, he then acknowledged how the situation had made them feel. He let them know that he understood that they had felt disoriented, confused, and angry about how the investigation had been handled. “I understand that I left you all hanging at a time when you needed more information,” said Daniel in these meetings. “I understand why you would think I don’t care. I acknowledge that it was inappropriate for me to expect you to continue on as if nothing ever happened. I see now that you experienced Peter’s physical absence and my emotional distance as a double loss: You were confused and had no place to turn.”

“When I finally sat down with Peter, I came to understand why he was so hurt. I had abandoned him during the investigation. I told Peter that while I did have to follow protocol, I certainly could have called to check in on him.” Daniel acknowledged that he had not extended compassion to Peter and that he understood how alone he must have felt.

“I can now also understand the series of disappointments that preceded the charges,” summarized Daniel. “I hear that he saw me as a potential mentor and I sure have not been that. He had me on a pedestal and I ended up disappointing him in so many ways. I was so completely unaware of his desires and the depth of pain I had caused him. I had said I would invite him to dinner—I barely remember that—but I never followed through.”

Peter and Daniel observed what had happened in their relationship. Peter acknowledged the loss of relationship with Daniel and the impact that had on him: He had lost his dream of having a mentor; he had lost his vision of a trusting workplace where people treated each other with care. Daniel acknowledged that he was clueless regarding Peter’s work-related expectations and desires. Daniel also acknowledged that he wasn’t doing his job as a mentor, or as a leader to members of his team. He came to terms with the impact of his failure to pay attention.

Step 2: Allow Feelings to Surface

Because Peter had felt disappointed for a long time, and carried the pain of being wrongly accused, his feelings regarding his relationship with Daniel surfaced earlier than did Daniel’s. “As I read the book, I found validation of what I had been thinking and feeling,” recalls Peter. “It was as if someone opened my heart, looked into my soul, and saw my pain. My eyes began to well with tears as I realized I was not crazy and not alone.”

For his part, Daniel didn’t know about how he had hurt Peter until much later, when he was working with Michelle. “I was floored and flabbergasted when I heard how let down my team felt. Realizing the damage I had done to Peter was especially emotionally hard for me. I pride myself in not wanting to hurt anyone, yet I really had hurt him and those around him.”

Peter and Daniel surfaced their feelings in different ways. When Peter read the book, he had a release that was liberating. He finally felt confirmation of thoughts and validation of feelings that had been rumbling around in his head and churning in his heart. When Daniel realized what he had done, he was caught off guard. He stopped to reflect upon his relationship with Peter. Realizing that his behavior had hurt Peter so much saddened Daniel. He struggled to express his feelings. He acknowledged that expressing his feelings in other aspects of his life was difficult as well, so this was all new learning for him.

Step 3: Get and Give Support

Daniel had listened to Peter regarding the need for support. “We brought in an outside coach to help us address the issues. Michelle helped open my eyes to the extent of the damage I had done. Her presence made it safe for me to talk through things with him.”

Michelle also supported Peter to understand the layers of hurt he felt. She helped him move from his pain to reframing and taking responsibility for his part of what happened.

Likewise, Michelle supported the entire department by providing them with a venue to share their perspective and feelings about the way Peter’s investigation and absence had been handled. The department relied on her to facilitate meetings so that they could continue to work through the Steps together.

With Michelle as a coach, Daniel, Peter, and the other members of the department were supported to rebuild trust in their relationships. Peter was able to shift from feeling like a victim and realize that both he and Daniel had choices regarding how they could interact with one another and how they could rebuild their relationship in a mutually beneficial way. Daniel used the support to learn about himself and find new ways of connecting with his team.

Step 4: Reframe the Experience

Reframing brought about a definite shift in both men. Daniel changed the way he interacts with his employees. Peter developed a willingness to open up to Daniel. Peter’s shift came about when he started to see his boss differently.

“What made the relationship with Daniel change was his being willing to sit down and listen to me about the false sexual harassment charge and the series of letdowns that came before it. I told him, ‘At a time when I needed you to back me, you pulled away and played it safe.’ “

As he learned more about Daniel’s resistance to express himself, Peter was finally able to reframe the situation and understand why Daniel had been unable to support him at that time. “It wasn’t that he didn’t care. It was simply that he didn’t have the skills to be there for me.”

For his part, Daniel reframed the experience by seeing Peter in a different way. “Through this process, I came to understand Peter’s background,” summarized Daniel. “He had had a tough childhood and had followed a winding path to success. I had thought of him as strong and confident since he had a brash, in-your-face tone. He was an extrovert who seemed to have it all worked out. Now I see that underneath that tough exterior, he had really deep needs for connection with a mentor and was looking for me to fill them. I’m the opposite: I’m an introvert who needs to be alone to think things through. I realize now that my tendency to avoid confrontation and emotion is what led to so much of the sense of abandonment that Peter and other members of my team experienced.”

Peter and Daniel were able to look at how the extenuating circumstances and each other’s behavioral preferences contributed to each of them reacting in ways that ultimately caused their relationship to break down. Once they were able to understand each other’s experience (Peter feeling abandoned and Daniel retreating from confrontation and feelings), they were each able to look within themselves and understand that they had choices as to how to respond: They could continue to judge and blame the other, or they could seek to understand through compassion. From the lessons they learned, they also saw how they could rebuild their relationship and help the department to heal and grow.

Step 5: Take Responsibility

Even as the one who initially felt hurt, Peter sees that he had a role in what happened. “Looking back over my earlier interactions with Daniel, I now see that I read too much into what I heard during the interview process. I hoped for more than was offered. I needed to take responsibility for my part in working through the tough issues in order to give the relationship a second chance.”

Daniel took responsibility for his behavior; specifically, for the way he treated people. Peter witnessed the result: “Daniel made more of an effort to be there for people. He is far less dismissive now. He really worked hard at making that change.”

Daniel also took responsibility for avoiding conflict and for his behavior with the team. “Before we went through this trust rebuilding work, I never knew how others saw me. Now I see that my need to avoid confrontation meant that I had abdicated responsibility for leading my team. I now see that I didn’t consider Peter’s feelings when he was accused of sexual harassment because I didn’t want to be involved in the conflict. I realize that people need connection with me. I am proud to be Peter’s mentor.”

Peter and Daniel each took responsibility for their part of the relationship breaking down. Peter realized that keeping thoughts and feelings to himself for all that time had been unfair to Daniel; they only grew in him and caused him to lose perspective. Peter also realized why Daniel hadn’t been more present to him during the sexual harassment case. Daniel took ownership by understanding that his need to avoid confrontation meant that he had abdicated his responsibility to provide appropriate support to Peter. He also owned that his dismissive behavior hurt his effectiveness as a leader. Both men took action to correct their behavior and be there for the other. As a result, they started to realize what they had gained from this experience.

Step 6: Forgive Yourself and Others

Daniel remembers the forgiveness phase of their healing. “I first had to forgive myself. Yes, I had a responsibility to turn to HR and follow protocol. But I did not need to abandon Peter and my people. We both said we were sorry. Peter was able to express his needs clearly to me, and I agreed to support Peter by giving him developmental attention. I took action to address some lingering issues in the department, made some long overdue personnel changes, and promoted Peter to Assistant Vice President.”

Peter and Daniel each apologized and made meaningful restitution to the other. Daniel also apologized to his people for not paying attention to the impact of the situation on them and for expecting them to go on as if nothing had happened. In addition, Daniel forgave himself. He moved from admonishing himself for his avoidance behavior to feeling compassion for himself. He acknowledged that he did the best he knew how to do at the time. Peter showed compassion for Daniel by shifting his anger to forgiveness. He also showed renewed commitment to Daniel and the company by “getting back in the game” and becoming a top performer once again.

Step 7: Let Go and Move On

After working with Michelle for three months, both Daniel and Peter were able to reflect upon the gains they had made.

“What makes the difference now is knowing that Daniel is going to listen to me, and not dismiss me—knowing that he is ready to hear me, and knowing there isn’t going to be any judgment. The fact that he is willing to sit down and listen gives me the strength to talk about issues and be upfront with him about them. After all, in order to get through it, you’ve got to go through it.”

Daniel said, “I think the act that shows I’ve let go and moved on is that I promoted Peter precisely because I have such confidence in him. I want to invest in his career. I have discovered that I actually enjoy mentoring.”

Both Peter and Daniel have accepted what happened in their relationship without guilt or judgment. Each has integrated his learning into acting differently in support of their relationship. They now celebrate how far they have come and how much they appreciate one another. Sure, they have missteps. But when they occur, each takes responsibility for sustaining trust in their relationship.

The Outcome:
Confidence, Commitment, and Energy

“Getting here was harder and took more effort than I ever thought. But, I and we would not be where we are today if we had not gone through it.”

—Daniel

When you feel betrayed, you lose the confidence, commitment, and energy that keeps relationships together, fuels your performance, and feed your satisfaction at work. Now, through rebuilding trust with courage and compassion, you have healed and the restored those critical aspects of yourself. Peter and Daniel experienced these outcomes and articulated their gains in interviews with us a year after we worked with them.

Confidence

“I have learned that it’s OK for us to be vulnerable as people, and that it’s better to show your vulnerability rather than to hide it because the outcome will be better for everyone. When we’re vulnerable, showing who we are, opening up, expressing our needs, we are true to ourselves. We trust in who we are and become confident in what we do.”

—Peter

“Before going through this process, I tried pretending to be somebody I was not. Now I want to be real for my people. I am so much more willing to ‘face the music’ and take on the tough issues.”

“I used to be hesitant and unsure of myself when I talked to others. I know people thought I was aloof or abrupt. I was really just confused about who I was as a leader. Now, I know what it means to sit down and listen. I can connect much more easily with people these days. I enjoy the relationships that have emerged.

“I get this feeling that my heart has started opening up. The only person who was looking for me to be perfect was me. I feel much more comfortable to be a person around my direct reports. I can admit that I make mistakes, I can admit when I’m hurt or disappointed, and I can even put words on those feelings for the first time in my life. Before, I couldn’t even talk about my emotions with my wife.

“All in all, I guess I finally understand what it means to be ‘wholly present’ with people. And underneath that, I am accepting who I am—not just as a leader, but also as a person.”

—Daniel

When you rebuild trust, you start by rebuilding self-trust. In so doing, you regain confidence in yourself because you come to accept more fully who you are. In that way, you may, like Daniel, end up more confident to be yourself than you were before trust was broken. Being self-confident means that you are willing to bring “all of yourself” to the table, even the parts you fear that others may not like, because you believe that all in all, you are indeed “good enough.” You, like Daniel, see yourself as competent and are willing to take personal risks.

This inner layer of healing allows you to restore your confidence in the other person or people involved, and in those you may have labeled “guilty by association.” From there, you restore your confidence in the leadership of your organization or even in the innate goodness of humankind.

Commitment

“My relationship with Daniel now far exceeds anything I ever hoped for or thought possible. It is stronger than ever! I have moved from a time when I felt deceived, to now having even more than I ever hoped for in my working relationship with Daniel. I know that he’ll have my back and I will have his!

“Daniel lets me be vulnerable. I am tremendously committed to him and to our company. He challenges me and holds me accountable. In return, he knows where my commitment and my loyalty lie. As a result of the trust building work we’ve done, I am able to perform at a very high level. My dedication to the company is also deeper than before.

“If I were to summarize the outcome of rebuilding trust across our department, I’d say that the company gets committed, performing employees who will go to the wall for the boss and the team. The greatest value I now experience is that I know people will do what they say they will do. And, if for some reason, they do not, we work it through. Things do not pile up. We used to be ‘every man for himself.’ Now, people care about one another. It is amazing what can happen when you know that people care about you.”

—Peter

“I admit that I started this process because of the situation with Peter. But it’s helped my relationship with all of my direct reports—and my colleagues at my level, too. Now that I know what’s possible, I want to have the same kind of connection with everyone. And I sense that I do. What’s even more exciting for me is to see how team members are talking to each other differently, even when I’m not involved. It’s as if we’ve all come to a different level of commitment.”

—Daniel

When you rebuild trust, you restore your commitment to the relationship that was hurt. When that relationship is at work, you thereby restore your commitment to your team, your organization, and your career. When you are not questioning your commitment, you can once again put your effort into the organization’s mission, your team’s goals, and the needs of the customers, patients, or other constituents that you serve. As Peter said, you become ready to “go to the mat” for your teammates, and you are dedicated to the organization.

This renewed outward commitment is mirrored within yourself. With confidence in who you are as a foundation, you commit to your values and seek to live by them. You are therefore much less likely to betray yourself in a way that betrays or hurts others. Your behavior at work comes across as cooperative, helpful, and respectful, and you contribute to the sense of authentic closeness that Daniel appreciates so much now.

Energy

“I have a renewed sense of respect and appreciation for Daniel. I am able to drop by his office and discuss anything—whether it is a challenging work issue, a personal matter, or the score of the last ball game. I am grateful for the connection we have and the relationship we have that is built on trust.”

—Peter

“I am proud to be Peter’s mentor and I am excited to be working with him. We have a special relationship that takes on energy of its own. Together we meet our goals, accomplish a lot, and have fun doing it.

—Daniel

Just as betrayal was energy-depleting, trust is energy-producing. When you rebuild trust like Daniel and Peter did in their relationship, you stop spending energy thinking about how you were hurt or hurt another. You cease to use your creative energy to think about how to get even or to blame your pain on someone else. Instead of draining your life energy by beating yourself up and second-guessing “who” you are, you use that energy to form connections, find new solutions, and help others. You are able to focus like a laser on your job and find that it invigorates you, so that you are excited to go to work. Because energy is contagious, others want to be around you, and when they are, they feel productive, too. In that place, you and your team are able to produce results like never before.

Together, the renewed confidence, commitment, and energy can transform you and your relationships. We don’t use the word “transform” lightly. To us, to transform means that you remain yourself, but, because of what you have gone through (“trans”), you choose to shape your life and your perspective differently, in a different “form.”

You are transformed on two linked levels: by the depth of your connection to yourself, and by the powerful connections that self-connection allows you to form with others.

Connection to Self

Through rebuilding trust, you have learned what it means to be compassionate toward yourself. You have embraced your innate humanness, and the term “self-love” takes on an entirely new meaning. You know and accept who you are, and you stop overriding your own needs and instincts because now you know that the price of doing so is too high. This sustainable presence of trust generates greater tolerance and acceptance of your whole being. You are therefore able to dissolve your defensive armor. Without the armor and blockages, you can experience more energy within yourself. You feel lighter, more focused, and more alive, as you are willing to be vulnerable around others.

Because you are more compassionate with yourself, you don’t need to be right. When there is a breakdown in one of your relationships, you seek to understand it rather than to make the other person wrong. Sure, you will make mistakes and let others down. But when you do, you know how to respond. You now know which path to choose.

You are, in short, realigned with your sense of self. By being more fully aware of who you are, you expand your capacity for trust in yourself, for others—and thereby the depth of your relationships. Because you embrace the benefits that rebuilt trust offers, you find value and meaning in pain and are set up to form more enriched relationships in the future.

Connection to Others

“I’m not only interested in my co-workers’ personal lives. I know that I need to know about their lives in order to see the whole picture and to see them as whole people.”

—Daniel

When you choose to work through your own pain, you deepen your connection to others and create relationships in which trust is both given and received. The more self-aware you are, the more you have to give others. Because you are comfortable with your own humanness, you give others permission to expose their own vulnerability and be human. You create and sustain the sacred space of healing in which there is the emotional and psychological safety that people will not be viewed as “less than” but instead will be accepted and supported.

Full, compassionate acceptance shifts your perspective. After you have accepted yourself as human first and employee second, you can authentically see others as humans first and co-workers second. In short, you have created a profound opportunity for the kind of connection that allows you to influence others, and for others to influence you. You become an empathetic co-worker who others want to be around.

Transforming Others’ Lives: Helping Rebuild Trust

Throughout this book, the last section of each chapter provided tips for what to do if you want to help others rebuild trust. Time and time again, our advice began with clarifying your intentions and checking to see what pain you might be carrying. The simple truth is that you cannot effectively help others when you are hurting yourself; you cannot fully support others in rebuilding trust if you have never been down that path yourself.

But if you have followed the path and experienced the transformation that rebuilding trust brings, you have expanded exponentially your capacity to give support to others. You have learned how to provide support from the inside out. Whether you rebuilt trust because you were hurt or because you hurt another, through healing you become someone who is viewed as trustworthy and someone who is there to help.

Because you are more aware, you pick up on subtle clues about what others are going through. You pay attention to the signs of confusion or doubt, and you answer lingering questions. You catch issues and offer support and reframing before there’s a major break or betrayal. You are also more willing to be present and respond to the behavior that you witness. You are less likely to overlook little things that can accumulate over time to erode trust; you are more likely to pause and ask questions. By not ignoring, defending, justifying, or explaining away breaches of trust, you help to create an environment where breaches of trust become less common.

You choose to support the healing of others because you want them to have what you have discovered: wholeness. When others see you being both courageous and vulnerable in relationships, they feel they have permission to break out, take risks, be bold in their thinking, and honest in their emotions. With a prototype in front of them, they themselves become rigorous in practicing behaviors that build trust.

What may have started with your personal work or efforts to heal one relationship can transform your whole team into a group of people who want to work together, to grow together, to achieve and perform together. We often hear clients express this sense of possibility by saying, “Now, there is nothing we can’t do!”

In this way, workplaces can be transformed individual by individual, relationship by relationship, and team by team. Transformation starts when one person like you discovers more fully who he is and what he has to offer. Through energy powered by individuals making and supporting the choice to rebuild trust, the pervasive culture becomes one in which people have permission and confidence to be human. The work environment becomes a place built on commitment where everyone wants to give their all—all of their heart, mind, and soul. The work environment becomes a safe and exciting place where people want to come to work and want to produce.

Rebuilding trust is not something you do just once. Healing becomes an approach to life. When things get tough, you choose to be aware and responsible. With compassion and courage as your partners, you have faith in the opportunities that rebuilding trust brings.

It may have felt to you at times that the Seven Steps for Healing took you through the uncharted waters of your emotions and experiences. It is our hope that we have supported you on your journey of self-discovery, healing, and renewal. It is our continuing hope that now you will be able to support another person or group of people on their trust rebuilding journey as well. As you encourage others to choose healing and renewal, you contribute to a world in which trust can transform not only you and your relationships, but others’ lives and your workplace as well.